I Will Formula Feed Out Of Spite, I Swear To Maude

[Contents: parent-shaming, gender essentialism]

So here is what is setting me off:



I saw a few people tweeting about this; I first saw it from @DrJaneChi. The image is of a brochure holder in a doctor's office. The headline is "Save a Life. Donate Milk...". The brochure has what appears to be a white premature baby on the cover, with the same "Save a Life, Donate Milk..." text. The text on the brochure holder is as follows; emphasis original:

"Make a difference in the life of a child by becoming a milk donor.

Babies in hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Units depend on this life saving nourishment to thrive when their own mother's milk is not available.

To learn about our non-profit organization or how to donate, visit: MilkBankColorado.org"

Then there's the logo for the milk bank and some pretty colored banding at the bottom.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear before we go on: I do not have a problem with breast milk banks or donation in and of themselves.

What I have a problem with here is the strong implication that breast milk and ONLY breast milk is what infants in the NICU can be fed, and ONLY breast milk can make sure that they don't die. Which is not only factually incorrect, but incredibly shaming and stigmatizing to people who choose formula, for whatever reason they choose it.

That is incredibly harmful.

It is incredibly harmful because there are a number of people who cannot breastfeed, and what you've just told them is that if, gods forbid, their kid winds up in the NICU, ONLY breast milk will allow them to survive and thrive, so they better hope and pray someone donates, because it's their only hope.

It is incredibly harmful because it's yet more parent-shaming heaped on women, almost exclusively women, about how their choices are actively harming their baby, when those choices are doing nothing of the sort. It's the same "YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER FOR NOT BREASTFEEDING" shit that is all over the fuck place. It's using the specter of dead babies to guilt trip people in to breastfeeding.

It's incredibly harmful because it implies that people who are breastfeeding but do not make enough breast milk to donate for whatever reason are less good people than those that DO donate, because only those that donate can save NICU baby lives.

It's incredibly harmful because as I have written about before, not every pregnant person is a woman, not every pregnant person is or becomes a mother or even wants to be.

It is incredibly harmful because it is just. plain. wrong.

And for those who are like WELL IT SAYS NOTHING OF THE SORT, well, no, sit down. Because the exact message I got out of this was "only breast milk will save NICU babies" and "ps breast is best you're bad if you don't do it and ps MAKE MORE SO YOU CAN DONATE AND BE AN EVEN BETTER PERSON." And it's not like I had to sit and think and read between the lines. I'm not sitting here looking for shit to get mad about, which is another popular accusation. The message is pretty damn clear.

This is the sort of shit I'm talking about when I say I am planning to breastfeed in spite of pro-breastfeeding rhetoric, not because of it. I mean, I'll admit, spite is a powerful motivator in my life, and I also plan on enjoying the spitefulness of breastfeeding in public and making all the assholes who are against it squirm. But the more pro-breastfeeding stuff I read, the less I want to breastfeed. And if there's more of this stuff, I swear to Maude, I will formula feed just to spite the people who think like this. (If you think I won't, you obviously have never met me.)

Formula does not kill babies, not even NICU babies. And if you can't make an argument for breastfeeding without either implying or directly stating that, your argument is shit. If you can't even make a pitch for breastmilk donation without relying on the specter of dead babies, your argument is really shit, and you should be ashamed of yourself for the harm you are perpetuating. Because make no mistake, you ARE causing harm. So long as their child is receiving sufficient, safe food, no parent should ever be shamed for how they choose to feed their child. EVER.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 31

[Contents: TMI, pain]

Short version: hormones are seriously kicking my assssssssssssssss.

I've been upset by some stuff happening in my personal life the past week, and while it's all stuff that would upset or piss me off even if I weren't pregnant, because I am seven million goddamn months pregnant, all of the upset is accompanied by SO. MUCH. CRYING.

I'm not usually one to cry much, and I also really hate crying, so I try to avoid it. SO MUCH CRYING this past week, y'all. SO MUCH. OH MY FUCKING GOD CAN IT STOP NOW.

Crying so much also makes me even more tired than I am otherwise, yaaaaay!

The other hormone that's kicking my ass is motherfucking relaxin, STILL. My poor hips, y'all. My poor goddamn hips. I know I posted a few weeks ago that doing some PT exercises really helped and could get me pain-free. They still really help, but I haven't been pain-free lately. This may also have to do with the fact that I think "why yes, let's make like six stops after my pre-natal appointment sounds like a great plan" and then proceed to do it, but I blame the hormones. Fucking hormones. I semi-woke The Man up this week once as I was getting out of bed because my pubic symphysis cracked so fucking loudly. It's super freaky when it does that, but it feels SO good. And it really lessened the pain I was in.

The other thing that helps is laying with mah Snoogle Mini that my BFF gave me, because she is an amazing person. I lay on my side, then part of it goes between my thighs, the rest gets tucked under my belly and boobs, and it's awesome. I don't sleep with it all night, because it eventually bothers me to not have a pillow between my legs for the entire length of my legs, but when I'm just laying in bed reading or whatever I use it and it's great. It's thicker than my usual between-the-legs pillow and something about the thickness, the firmness, or the position shifts my hips around in a different way that helps ease them back in to a less painful position. RECOMMENDED. Also I'm 6' tall and definitely a fat lady, so do not let your height or weight worry you with this sucker.

I'm also at the stage where I waddle when I walk, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Sometimes if my hips are really wonky it's more of a lurch. I AM THE EPITOME OF GRACE AND DIGNITY, FOLKS.  Rolling over in bed is a five-minute production that makes me grateful I have a 100% metal bed frame that is solid enough I can grab my headboard and use it for leverage.

Speaking of bed, I spend a lot of time there! It's soft and comfy! Sadly I don't sleep more than 2-4 hours at a stretch anymore! I finally find a comfortable position and fall asleep. 2-4 hours later, I am woken up by one or more of the following:

• My fucking hip hurts. (I am an obligate side sleeper, so I am always laying on one hip or the other.)
• I have to goddamn pee, AGAIN.
• FUCKING HELL SHIT DAMN I NEED FOOD.

Sometimes, after taking care of whatever's bothering me, I can fall back asleep easily. Sometimes I'm up for 1-3 additional hours! Because! It's a joy! So while I am getting 8-10 hours of sleep per day, it's broken sleep. Greaaaaat.

I also just have a very limited amount of things I can do in a day, still. Like, I can usually manage doing a full up/down cycle on the stairs in my house a maximum of twice per day. There's fifteen steps to get from the front door to my house, and fifteen steps to get from the floor with my bedroom to the attic, where my sewing room and the laundry are. Oh and to leave the house there's another five stairs. If I am doing a lot of walking or standing (or sometimes even sitting), stairs are right out. And if I do too much of anything in a day, I can be totally wiped out and in extra pain for a day or three afterwards. STILL. AGAIN. GODS.

So I'm having to get even more strategic about what I do in a day and really planning that shit out - like today, I needed to be upstairs sewing, as I have a commission due the end of the month and someone staying with me next week. So in order to both be able to work AND have dinner, I had to plan something to throw in the crock pot. And plan on getting nothing else done besides the sewing and the dinner making, except maaaaybe being able to throw in a load of laundry while I'm upstairs already. It's a delicate balance between getting things done (which improves my mental health) and not moving too much (which keeps my physical health better), but not avoiding movement TOO much, because too little movement adds to the pain too. I frequently fuck it up. It's never ending fucking fun.

Also in really TMI land, so for most pregnant folks, at some point their boobs start, uh, leaking some proto-breast milk. That is week 30 for me apparently, because in the morning I have juuuuust a little bit of crusty nonsense on my nipples. GRACE, DIGNITY, ETC.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 30

[Contents: medical, weight discussion/fat bias, TMI]

Uhhhhh y'all I am so not ready to have a baby.

I mean, with any luck, it's going to be a solid 10 weeks before I do but uhhhh that's like two and a half months? Aaaaand that is not much time.

Also oh my fucking gods I am so fucking tired. SO FUCKING TIRED. I'm at the point where I am waking up every 2-4 hours at night, either because I have to pee, my hip hurts, or both. So while I am sleeping, it's broken sleep. Which I mean hey, good practice for when The Kid arrives but OH MY GOD JUST LET ME SLEEP FOR REAL.

Then some days I feel really pretty good, and energetic and shit! And I want to do all the things! And I have to keep reminding myself NO, DO NOT DO ALL THE THINGS, THAT ONLY LEADS TO SORROW AND PAIN, STOP. So I'm not getting things done as quickly as I'd like, and my hormones are like YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR HOUSE CLEAN AND EVERYTHING READY IN TIME YOU ARE DOOOOOMED and the rest of my brain is like, uh, the house is pretty clean, yo, like, you're fine. Baby clothes are small that's only going to be like one load of laundry, chill. DOOOOOOOMED.

Not doomed. I mean, hey, I cleaned up my half of the bedroom the other night and it took like an hour, because I kept sitting back down and taking breaks. So now the bassinet can get set up in a couple weeks. And after my prenatal appointment today, I was all adulty and shit and ran errands, including buying a giant thing of motherfuckin' Mod Podge, so all those shoeboxes I'm no longer using can get some of my cute fabric from my giant honking fabric stash applied and BE TRANSFORMED in to drawer organizers mwahahahahah. And I also bought some cute baby clothes because LOOK THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE AND THEY WERE ADORABLE AND SUPER CHEAP AND OMG. One of them might turn out to be the "YAY HERE IS YOUR FIRST REAL CLOTHES" outfit for leaving the hospital. We'll see.

The prenatal appointment went really well. The midwives are sooooo happy with my weight... which, I lost another pound, so uh hey! Great. I'm not trying, I wish I weren't losing weight, and I know full well that if I were gaining the pound a week that all of the pregnancy books and shit say that I should be at this point, they'd probably be counseling me ohhhh, be careful you don't gain too much. Especially since my uterus is still measuring a little over a week ahead of typical for this point. But I also know from previous ultrasounds that The Kid is likely going to be taaallllll. You know, that and plus genetics and shit. So whatever. Kid is still extremely active, we have reached the "alien chestburster" phase, heartbeat was right where it should be still and everything is fine. So I'm not worried, but again, I know, I KNOW, that if I were gaining like many people do, they'd be on me about my weight.  Bleah.

My hips are definitely complaining after all of the in and out of the car and walking around I did today. So definitely doing PT exercises tonight. And tomorrow Fuckwinter is supposed to be back in force, so my plan is to sleep as much as I can, go upstairs and do some sewing, come down to eat and pee, then go back upstairs. I'm making a dress for a friend of mine that needs to be done by the end of the month. I also maaaaay have bought some fabric to make a baby quilt or something along those lines MAYBE. (Okay definitely... hey I had a coupon.)

I'm still not getting a ton of Braxton-Hicks; it's still only after I have WAY overdone shit, or if I get pretty dehydrated. But oh my fuck god, I have to drink all the water. ALL THE WATER. GIVE IT TO ME. NO, MORE. YES. WATER. Ugh. Some days, or if I move the wrong way, I also get ligament or muscle pain. I figure that's what it is because while it is sharply painful, it's super-localized, transient, and goes away if I stop doing whatever move started it. I've also occasionally bent down to get something and I swear to Maude SORRY KID FOR CATCHING ONE OF YOUR LIMBS IN THE FOLD. It's freaky-feeling.

Things I was told would happen in the third trimester were "right so food aversions and nausea, welcome those back" and YUP. I've been having raspberry frosted Pop Tarts for breakfast with a glass of milk for like a WEEK. Yesterday, I made them, and took a few bites, and was pretty sure I was totally going to puke. GREAT. THANKS BODY. Pork still doesn't sound great, and neither does cooked broccoli (but only COOKED broccoli; raw sounds fine). Guacamole and queso are the best things in the world and if you disagree we will fight.

I was also told OH HA HA YEAH YOUR ANKLES AND FINGERS WILL SWELL and nope. My rings are still super loose, and even after a long day like today my ankles aren't swelling.  I'm not complaining; sudden or extreme swelling can be a sign of pre-eclampsia, and you do NOT want to fuck around with that shit. But it's perpetually interesting to me to compare what I'm told should happen and when, with what IS happening and when.

I also got all the paperwork for the hospital - shit like consent forms, registration forms, the form for the birth certificate, the form for the birth plan, all that. Oh my maude, that shit is a shitshow. Why is is so difficult for institutions to make functional, easy-to-use-and-understand forms? WHYYY. So I definitely made a pain in the ass of myself at my appointment today with "so by the way this is a hot mess and here's why, also your instruction sheet is no better thanks" hahah WELP. I am definitely that patient. But seriously... if you're going to say that I can refuse to, say, allow you to use any tissue or body parts of mine you remove during birth for research purposes, it behooves you to give me a space to clearly mark whether I consent or not. Like, come the fuck on.

But basically at this point it's EAT ENOUGH FOODS, DAMMIT and DRINK ALL THE WATER and TAKE IT EASY OH MY GOD YOUR HIPS CANNOT HANDLE SHIT... and trying to go full-term. WOOOOOOOOO.

"Have You Thought About How You're Going to Feed the Baby?"

[Contents: medical, gender essentialism, fat hate]

That was one of the questions I got asked yesterday in my prenatal appointment with the midwife.

She's not new to the practice, but I hadn't seen her before, and we actually had a good discussion on the framing of that question. She talked about how she had used to say "So are you planning on breastfeeding?" and after some feedback and looking in to things, realized that could be incredibly stigmatizing towards people who could not or chose not to breastfeed. So, good for her. Especially since so much of the pro-breastfeeding rhetoric that's out there is stigmatizing, shaming, and guilt-tripping bullshit.

I tweeted about this the other day, but I ran across an article entitled "Is breastfeeding the key to mother-baby bonding?" And the answer is NOPE NEXT QUESTION, again, as I tweeted. But if that article is intended to get more people to breastfeed their babies, that's not going to do it. Because what that title is really saying is "fyi, if you don't breastfeed your baby, you're a BAD MOM and you WON'T BOND with your kid." Which is false false falsity false... but when you hear that message often enough, it starts sinking in.

I also mentioned, both to the midwife and to Twitter, that I planned on breastfeeding, in spite of a lot of the pro-breastfeeding stuff that was out there. And that's really the case for me. Honestly, The Man being pro-breastfeeding did way more to convince me to try it than anything I've ever read or heard on the subject. I was formula-fed, as were my siblings, and really, I don't have a problem with formula feeding. (I have problems with formula manufacturers, but not formula in and of itself.)

The thing of it is, I don't know that breastfeeding is going to work, for a couple of reasons.

One, supposedly breastfeeding requires you to consume an extra 500 calories a day, above and beyond what you ate during pregnancy. Okay, I haven't read any good studies on it, but on its face, that passes the sniff test, if you will. It makes sense that you're going to need some extra fuel in order to produce food for an entire other being. You're also supposed to drink plenty of water - again, makes sense. But here's my problem: I apparently can't eat enough to even gain weight during pregnancy. I lost three pounds this past month, as I transitioned in to my third trimester, where "typical" weight gain is a pound a week. Instead I lost almost a pound a week. Let's not even get in to my fucked up issues with food from my past - I really have been pretty damn good about fooding myself on the regular once I got over the constant fucking nausea. But even with that, it seems I cannot eat enough.

I also know that I don't often drink enough water. When I get really dehydrated, I start getting Braxton-Hicks contractions. That's considered typical (although apparently I started getting those much earlier than most people, WHOOPS sorry care providers; I've always been precocious), but jeezy muffin creezy I'm supposed to drink EVEN MORE WATER? Oh fuck.

I just don't know that I'll be able to keep up with eating and drinking enough to actually do this.

Secondly, that's all complicated by the fact that I am hypothyroid, and most likely have Hashimoto's disease. I haven't been officially diagnosed with Hashi's... but I meet every criteria, including the presence of TPO antibodies above and beyond what's considered "normal" in a woman my age. It's also the most common cause of hypothyroidism, so HAHA WELP. There isn't a ton of research in to hypothyroidism of any stripe and breastfeeding, but what's out there suggests that breastfeeding is more difficult with hypothyroidism. The TPO antibodies, so far as we know, are not secreted in breastmilk (which is good), but people with hypothyroidism are more likely to have significant supply issues.

Plus, we just started regulating my thyroid, and fixing all of the problems that come along with a borked thyroid (which, in case you forgot, include severe iron deficiency, severe vitamin D deficiency, a totally wack metabolism, B12 deficiency, and more) less than a year ago. I'm quite honestly a bit shocked a, that I even got pregnant, and b, that I've been able to stay pregnant while some of this shit is still regulating. (And yes, it still is - I can tell from symptoms, but even without that, it was probably fucked for twenty years. It ain't gonna fix itself in nine months.) Even by the time The Kid is born, it will STILL be less than a year that I'll have been in treatment. And while my iron and D counts are still slowly creeping up, they have slowed down their upward movement in pregnancy. In other words, things are improving, but not as quickly, because pregnancy is an additional stress and draw on those resources.

This is why when I got an email from yesterday's midwife about "oh yeah, your blood work was normal, your iron looks good for this point in pregnancy", I laughed. Lady, my hematocrit and hemoglobin slid down again and are both below normal, and my MCV is still below normal. I'm still fighting for iron and having trouble hanging on to it. "I recommend you continue taking your current vitamins and supplements" also made me laugh. THERE WAS NO CHANCE I WAS STOPPING ANY TIME SOON, THANKS. Especially since that's all being managed by my pcp - who is tracking my ferritin, that is, stored iron, not just the circulating iron. It's the ferritin that was dangerously low and that we're working on bringing up. As of December, it was at 51. After supplementing since July. It should be around 80. Yeah. Got a ways to go on that one.

Which also raises the question, how nutritious is any breastmilk I manage to make going to be? And, if it's like pregnancy, wherein the fetus and placenta basically override my needs for nutrients and steal shit like calcium right out of my damn TEETH if they need it... what cost will I have to pay? How healthy is that going to be for me?

Plus, people with  Hashi's are more likely to have significant thyroid problems in the post-partum period. In other words, it's very likely that shit's going to get wild with my thyroid. So with that, on top of "hey things aren't actually totally regulated yet WHEE", and then trying to breastfeed? Oh yeah shit could get real interesting, real quick.

Finally... if you look at the pictures in all of the breastfeeding literature? Fat people don't breastfeed. People with very large breasts like mine don't breastfeed. People like me don't use breastfeeding aids like Boppy or My Brest Friend (NOT KIDDING, THAT'S THE NAME) pillows, because they aren't big enough. If I want to use a pillow to help support The Kid, I either have to make one, or make due with other pillows, because there just aren't purpose-made pillows manufactured to fit someone like me. There aren't a lot of options for nursing bras even in my current size, much less if my breasts get even bigger (which they probably will), or clothing made to make nursing easier. All of those nursing covers? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH nope too small.

I have no idea if any of the lactation consultants will even know how to work with someone shaped like me. You would think they would... and yet doctors and other care providers often don't, so I don't assume they will. Which could mean that for the most part, I'm going to be on my own, without a lot of professional support. Which is also not a guaranteed recipe for disaster - the lactation consultant is, after all, a recent invention - but it's not like breastfeeding was something my family has done recently either, you know? My mom is definitely pro whatever my plans are, but she doesn't have practical experience with them. Even most of the people I know who are pro-breastfeeding, give breastfeeding advice, etc. are not fat folk.

So yeah I'm planning on breastfeeding, and if you want to be all like "WELL YOU ARE GETTING DISCOURAGED BEFORE YOU START YOU ARE BAD", go fuck yourself. I'm also signing up for formula coupons just in case. And preparing for the onslaught of BREAST IS BEST and OH BUT YOU SHOULDN'T SUPPLEMENT and all of the other bullshit, including, I'm sure, guilt from some folks if I switch to formula. Fuck it. Kid's getting fed no matter what. But shit, can we drop most of how we talk about breastfeeding and how we "encourage" people to do it? Because it's really not encouraging at all.