Ten Things I Hate About Being A Parent

[Contents: parent-shaming]

I was talking on the Twitter-machine a few weeks ago with some friends about Wide World of Mommy Blogs, and the pressure there is to ONLY share the GOOD parts of parenting, and how you love EVERY MINUTE and are SO FULFILLED and blah blah blah. Look, I love being a parent to The Kid, and I adore The Kid, but parenting is filled with bullshit. So to counteract the firehouse of BUT DON'T YOU LOVE BEING A PARENT (especially MOM) shit we all get exposed to, and to give a giant FUCK YOU to that entire portion of the world, here are ten things I fucking hate about being a parent. Please feel free to share some more in the comments; this is a shame-free zone.

1. I have to get up early every damn morning, except some Sunday mornings, when The Man gets up early. And even then, I wake up the second The Kid does.
2. Thanks to constant societal pressure to be the BEST MOM and what my baby SHOULD BE DOING, if I can't get hir to nap, it's really easy to feel like a complete failure. I'm not, because I know that I cannot force my child to sleep, but it's still reallllly easy to feel like it. Conversely, if I do get The Kid asleep easily and on time, I feel like a fucking MOM NINJA. Neither is true.
3. Somewhere, someone is completely judging me and saying I'm doing shit wrong. It's one thing if you're abusing your kid, or doing something demonstrably dangerous. But I'm not, and people still think I'm doing shit wrong.
4. I hate the smell of spit-up. Especially when it's all over me. I hate spit-up all over me.
5. Doing anything, including peeing, takes planning.
6. Pretty sure I've seriously and permanently fucked up my right wrist, somewhere in the nursing/holding iPod/fastening diapers blur.
7. My social schedule is the most ridiculous it has ever, EVER been. I love my family and friends, but just the idea that I could have some social event going on every single day of the week, for the foreseeable future, is a kind of hell for me.
8. Sometimes I would just like to be in a room with NO OTHER PEOPLE, THANK YOU.
9. It's really hard to make sure I eat something.
10. Each and every day, I am on duty, 24 hours. Yes, The Kid is only awake for like 12 of them, but 3 am crying? WELP I'm up. Yes, The Man helps, yes, I do get out of the house, etc. and so on, but when the shit really hits the fan? I am the caregiver of last resort. I don't get breaks so much.

Cloth Diapers, Six Months In

One of the other things I found immensely helpful when researching cloth diapers was how things worked as the babies grew. So here's my contribution.

Here is a link to the list of things we use.

We have added a bit to the stash. I bought more cloth wipes (like, 45 more cloth wipes), and have considered buying more but haven't yet. Sometimes we really do go through a dozen or more wipes in a diaper change. The "fold them up and dunk them as necessary" system still works a treat though.

I've also bought some more covers. I bought a half a dozen Thirsties Duo Wraps in size 2, a couple more of those in size 1, and some more Flip covers. Cotton Babies, the maker of Flip, regularly releases limited edition patterned diaper covers. Bet your ass I got Spence, the pirate cover. I also have Stellar, their new midnight blue solid colored cover, on pre-order. I know that the "limited edition" is marketing, and they're not any better than the regular covers, but I am susceptible to the marketing of cuteness, sooooo.

I've also sent in a few covers to be converted to snaps. In my last post, I mentioned a hook and loop Blueberry cover and a hook and loop cover from Nicki's Diapers, wherein I did not like the laundry tabs. Well, now I really don't fucking like them, because they stopped working about two months ago. Every time I washed those covers, the tabs would come open, and attach themselves to the flats in the wash. Leading to some tears in a couple of the Gerber flats. AWESOME. One of the Flips in hook and loop had this problem too (actually, from the time we bought it, but it was on clearance so whatever - and I do want to note, none of my other Flip hook and loop covers have ever had this problem). So I found a person on Etsy who will remove the hook and loop and apply snaps for a reasonable price. It's something technically I can do myself, but gods I hate setting snaps so I am happy to pay someone else to deal with that.

The Thirsties and Flips are still definitely our favorite covers, and we still strongly prefer hook and loop for the Thirsties. In fact, all of the new Thirsties covers I bought were hook and loop. We are using some of the size 2 Thirsties covers. They are definitely big on The Kid, but not so big they're unusable. They're big kind of like how a bunch of covers were big on hir as a newborn. When we close the size 2s, the tabs are definitely overlapping. Right now we're stuffing them with a prefold, and I think we'll continue doing that as The Kid grows. The nice thing is, we are still using the size small prefolds from Diaper Junction as diapers, since we just fold them and lay them in a cover. If I were fastening the prefold around hir, well, that stopped working about two months ago or so. The size mediums work just fine for that.

Oh, yeah - sometimes we do just use a Snappi fastener and fasten a prefold around The Kid's bum and don't use a cover. Usually this happens when zie has a diaper rash, and I want to give hir some "air time". I Snappi a prefold on hir, then lay hir in hir crib, because we always have a waterproof pad under hir sheets. Not that we've needed it - The Kid has pooped when this has been going on, and the prefolds have contained everything. So yes, I recommend the Diaper Junction prefolds, and I'll likely be getting more. I do not recommend the Econobums prefolds. They're perfectly fine cotton, and nice and soft, but they are the wrong size no matter how I fold them. If I fold them along the long seams, they're too long and skinny, and I have to fold down the front to get them to fit on The Kid. If I fold them along the short seams, they're too short and wide. Right now we use them as soaker pads on the changing pad, or as a mat under the bowl of wipe water, so the top of The Kid's dresser doesn't get ruined.

Oh, yeah, some of our flats and prefolds do have stains on them now, WELP. Guess what? They still smell super-clean and work just as well. If I wanted, I could move the drying rack in the attic to a window and sun them, but I don't care that much.

We were having a slight smell problem with the polyester/PUL covers we use. The cotton was fine after every wash, but after a month or so, the covers retained just the faintest bit of poop odor. I was bleaching them once a month, which worked fine, although they also hung on to the bleach smell for a while. Then I did a little more research and found out that perhaps a bit more detergent in the wash would do the trick, and it seems to have done so nicely. Right now we use the full recommended amount for a "medium" load in All Free & Clear, and the smell is gone. GOOD TIMES. For information about how much detergent might work for you, here is a handy chart of diaper wash load size and detergents. We usually wash 12-18 diapers in a load of laundry, but we've gone up to 21 diapers with attendant wipes and wet bag.

We are no longer using any of the Bumkins covers. The elastic started failing on another, then they all started leaking. That or they were wicking really badly, but long story short, if they were on for more than like, half an hour, The Velociraptor's clothes would be wet. So those are gone. We do still have a Bumkins wet bag that I use when on the go, and that seems to work fine.

Oh yes - we have traveled and I have gone on errands using just cloth diapers. They're bulkier in the diaper bag, but it's totally doable. I don't take cloth wipes with when traveling because I haven't figured out a good way to do so. I just use regular disposable wipes. I either throw them directly in the trash, or put them in the outside "dry" pocket of the wet bag, and put the diapers in the main "wet" pocket. Then I empty the wipes in to my trash at home and throw the diapers and wet bag in the wash. We actually did a weekend trip out of state using nothing but cloth diapers, and it wasn't horrible. I feel a little weird about my life right now, but honestly? Yeah, it worked and it's doable. It's also totally fine to be like "fuck all of that, give me a box of Pampers", because we do that on the regular too. Like when we go to my mom's house, because fuck if I'm going to figure out how to wash diapers in her HE washing machine.

I do still wash and dry a load of diapers per day. It takes a while in the wash, but it doesn't take much of my time, and honestly, it works for us. I'm the kind of person who feels the need to accomplish something each day, so even if all I do is keep myself and The Kid alive and wash a load of diapers, HEY IT'S A WINNING DAY alright. I'm unsure how much our gas bill has gone up, for all of the hot water. And we do use way more detergent than we used to. We'd be doing more laundry anyway, but seven extra loads a week is not free, you know? Plus diaper laundry is like fucking magic. I throw in a bunch of things with pee and poop on them and a couple hours later, MAGICALLY CLEAN it's amazing.

Things The Kid Is Doing: Month Five

WHAT THE FUCK THE KID IS FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS OLD HOW DID THAT HAPPEN

We are so close, SO CLOSE, to saying words. SO CLOSE. There are all kinds of consonants in the babbling right now, and something that sounds an awful lot like "MOM" comes out of hir mouth when they want to get my attention. I'm also pretty sure I heard an "okay" today. Even if there's not recognizable words, there's sentences and phrases coming out.

The Kid has also discovered their toes. They don't chew on them, but basically any time they can, they grab their toes.

As for other moving, we've mastered rolling over, both front-to-back and back-to-front. And we're not crawling, but somehow moving anyway. If I put hir down in hir crib while awake, I don't know what position they'll be in two minutes later. The other day I laid hir down on hir back in the crib, then laid myself down on the spare bed in the room. Two minutes later, they had rolled over, turned 90 degrees, and pulled down the crib bumper to glare at me. They are very, very good at moving around while on their belly, and I've seen the occasional forwards or backwards scoot. I can also lay hir down on hir play mat, and thirty seconds later, zie's done a 180 on their belly. It's impressive.

Mommy's Little Agent of Chaos has also figured out how to take the bar of hir play gym out of its sockets; how to detach the links attaching the toys to the bar; how to pull down the bar that we used to snap on to the crib rails and dangle toys from; how to throw things; how to palm a ball; how to drop things on the ground then look for them; how to get Mom and Dad to pick up what they dropped; how to unfold any laundry within their reach. One of my projects this weekend is to take one of the old boxes from wipes, decoupage some paper on it, and hem a bunch of fabric squares, so they have their own box with things they can take out ALL THE TIME. And then eventually learn to put back in.

We also started solids a few weeks ago. The Kid is VERY ADAMANT that they put the spoon in their mouth, so okay. Zie's not doing too badly with it, either! Zie also likes chewing on the spoon, and then doesn't want to let it go for more food, so we have frequent discussions on how if zie gives Mommy the spoon, Mommy will put more food on the spoon. So far our favorite food seems to be pureed green beans. Banana is okay too, and zie'll eat butternut squash soup and oatmeal. (Yes, I fed the baby some of the soup we had for dinner.) Avocado was no good though, apparently. We know for sure they're eating SOME of the food, although they do wind up wearing a good portion of it. That's okay. It's all good practice. The next food we plan on introducing is mango - yes, Gerber makes an organic mango puree first food, and I am excited about it.

Still no teeth yet, although chewing on everything remains a favorite pastime. Friday's new trick was putting something in hir mouth, then shaking hir head back and forth to rub hir gums on it. Also, if the something was, say, a bottle nipple, making a squeaking noise. I could live without the squeaking noise.

The Kid is still sleeping through the night just fine, but is in the process of moving from four to three naps a day. This means sometimes they really fight naps, especially the last one in the late afternoon, and so they're up forever and super cranky by bedtime. But we're also usually getting at least one nap a day that's an hour to two hours long, SOOOO. We're working on not having to nap on Mom all the time again, too.

Also The Kid is wearing 9-month-sized sleepers. WHAT. WHAT. NOT OKAY.

Zie is also working on sitting up. They can sit up on their own if they prop themselves up, and then often fall to the side. If Mom or Dad is holding their hips to stabilize, it works a bit better. Sitting up is awesome and zie wants to do it all the time. Zie also wants to sit at the table with us for dinner, even if they're not eating. So we have a giant-ass high chair in our small living/dining room, whatever. Zie also likes standing with some balance support - zie can support hir own weight on hir legs. The other night zie discovered zie can BOUNCE and this was THE MOST AMAZING DISCOVERY IT WAS GREAT. Zie GIGGLED LIKE WHOA.

Actually zie giggles a lot anyway. We can often get hir to laugh just by laughing at hir. Then zie'll scrunch up hir face and giggle at us. We giggle back. Zie giggles in response. This can go on for five minutes.

NO REGRETS SPENDING FIVE MINUTES GIGGLING WITH MY BABY, NOT EVER

Breastfeeding, Now That I've Done It

[Contents: TMI; parent-shaming; disordered eating]

I feel a little strange writing this up, since I'm no longer breastfeeding, but part of this blog is to share my experiences, especially as a fat lady with some chronic health issues, so that people who are similar boats have some reference material and don't feel as isolated and alone.

So. Breastfeeding.

Honestly going in to it, I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about breastfeeding. I was anticipating it was going to be super-weird. And, except for about thirty seconds when I thwapped out one of my boobs and started nursing in front of my father, it wasn't weird. It was just, "oh, I'm feeding my baby, okay."

I will also say that now that I've stopped, I don't miss nursing. And you know, nursing was pretty easy for me. I had to get a little creative with positioning sometimes - which I'll go in to more detail about later - but I never had sore or cracked nipples, I never had mastitis, a blocked duct, or thrush, The Kid never had latch problems, I never had painful engorgement, nothing. It worked pretty damn well all around.

The only issues were my supply - it's unclear whether I would have had enough to nurse exclusively. I go back and forth on that. Since I have thyroid issues, it is more likely that I did have some under-supply issues. Those issues, if they existed, were probably not helped by the fact that I really, really struggle to eat enough. It's easy to blame having a baby for the not eating, but that's a lie. I've struggled for years with making sure to feed myself adequately. I will say that having a baby exacerbated that. I could have really used someone who just constantly brought me food I could eat one-handed, especially in the first month or so where basically if the baby was awake, zie was nursing. And without eating enough, it's difficult to make enough breast milk.

But yeah, I don't miss it. I do miss being able to read or internets while nursing - I almost always had one hand free, and I have an iPod Touch with wifi, which is perfect for one-handed use. I do miss the early morning, 5 am wake-ups, and taking the baby in to bed with me and nursing while dozing. I miss nursing the baby to sleep. I miss nursing the baby to sleep on the couch and then shifting hir up to my shoulder so that we could both take a three-hour nap on the couch. I miss the baby unlatching hirself and giving me a milk-drunk, half-asleep grin with milk dribbling out of hir mouth.

I don't miss the last few months of nursing, whereupon The Kid was constantly clawing me and pinching my breasts, so that nursing turned in to a constant battle to prevent my personal pain. I don't miss The Kid's distracted nursing as they got older. I don't miss being stuck in a stationary position for however long nursing lasted. I don't miss the fact that I never found a nursing bra that fit, so nursing anywhere but at home was a royal pain in the ass. I don't miss the pain in my wrists from having to support whichever breast I was nursing from for however long nursing lasted, and it was regularly over an hour. I don't miss the discomfort from being stuck in whatever position I was in while nursing. I don't miss my tailbone constantly aching from sitting and nursing all the time.

One of the big things they tell you about breastfeeding is that it's SO CONVENIENT and IT'S FREE. Well, no. It's not free. It's certainly less expensive than formula feeding, but it's not free. It's a hell of a lot more time - and my time is not of zero value - and it's an increased cost in food and water for whoever is nursing. For lo, do you need to drink the hell of a lot of water when nursing.

And as for convenience, I'd say that breastfeeding and formula feeding are both convenient, just in different ways.

Ways breastfeeding is convenient:

• You really do never leave the house without the baby's food.
• You always have more food - you never run out.
• You can snooze while doing it.
• You don't have to do a load of dishes before you can feed the baby.
• You often have a free hand, so you can catch up on your reading or Twitter feed.
• No food goes to waste.

Ways formula feeding is convenient:

• You don't have to half-undress in order to feed the baby.
• It doesn't take an hour or more per feeding session.
• You don't have to try to eat or drink anything extra.
• Someone else can feed the baby while you eat some damn dinner finally.
• I can actually put the baby in the carrier and feed hir while we're moving.

They're also both inconvenient in some ways.

Ways breastfeeding is inconvenient:

• It's way harder, for me anyway, to find a comfortable position. The combination of large breasts (that I half-lovingly refer to as "cantaloupes in socks"... really soft cantaloupes) mean that unless I'm at home, where I can put my feet up and have a pillow in my lap, breastfeeding involves hunching over and lots of stress on my arms. Some people can nurse while their baby is in a carrier and they're moving! I am not one of them.
• It takes a long, long time to completely feed the baby, especially at first. Then once it shortens up, GROWTH SPURT, and we're back to constant nursing.
• Nursing strikes. You haven't lived until your baby has screamed at you every time you offer hir your breast.
• You're the only one who can feed your baby, unless you choose to pump, which is a whole other level of pain-in-the-ass-ness. (I did not pump.) Even if you do pump, any regular feeding time you aren't nursing, you have to pump, so you're still getting up in the middle of the night usually.
• You constantly need food, and especially water.
• The baby will always want to nurse when it's dinner time.
• You have to watch what you eat and drink. For example, if you drink something caffeinated, caffeine will be in your breast milk, and you might have a baby who is wired. Some babies with allergies and food intolerances are also sensitive to what their nursing parent eats - e.g., dairy.
• I didn't have them, but cracked nipples, clogged ducts, and thrush are real, painful things.
• Most doctors in the US will recommend that breastfed babies receive a Vitamin D supplement. So you have to buy that and remember to give it to the baby.
• Clapperclawing. Your baby will do it.

Ways formula feeding is inconvenient:

• Formula is expensive. And you will always have to toss some out, because once you mix up a bottle, the clock starts ticking.
• Bottles are expensive. The bottles that work best for us? Are $19.99 for three. We use at least six bottles a day right now. So a dozen bottles (so you've always got at least one clean... honestly, we have 17 now and I'm finally comfortable) is $80. Sure, there's coupons and sales, but jeebus. Let's not even talk about replacement nipples.
• You don't have a hand free.
• You can leave the house without the baby's food (and I've done it WHOOPS).
• You can't snooze while doing it - you have to stay awake.
• You have to make sure you buy enough formula you don't run out. The grocery store sells it, but it's often the most expensive option. So you have to either order it online, or make a special trip to Babies R Us or Target or wherever. It's also heavy as fuck.
• Unless you're using ready-to-feed (the most expensive form of formula out there), you have to make sure you have enough safe water to mix up the formula. I think about this, because it's hurricane season, and it's about to be winter storm season. We've never had a problem with our water here, but if we did, I need to make sure the baby doesn't starve.

I'm sure there are more things to add to all four of these lists (please feel free to share in comments!). But basically, it's a trade-off. As for other things that get used to shame people in to breastfeeding - and yeah, a lot of times it is trying to shame people in to breastfeeding - I have bonded with my baby just fine, thank you; my baby is healthy as fuck and has consistently been months ahead on hir milestones; my baby is at the 50% percentile for weight-for-age and even if they weren't, I don't consider obesity a health problem to prevent; breast cancer doesn't run in my family so I'm at low risk anyways; did I miss any?

As for positions, let me tell you, the ones you get the diagrams for, aren't made with fat ladies with large breasts in mind. Nor are nursing pillows. I used either a standard US bed pillow, or a Snoogle mini. I really loved nursing in the hospital, because I could angle the bed how I wanted it, then prop the baby up on a pillow next to me and use a modified football hold. The hospital is also the only place I successfully nursed in the side-lying position, because I could wedge a pillow between the baby and the bed rail. Otherwise, I would sit down, with my feet out in front of me, put a pillow on my lap, and prop the baby on the pillow. I'd support whatever breast I was nursing from with the hand on the same side, and latch the baby on. Nursing in any chair with arms was no good - there wasn't enough room for me, my breasts, and the baby.

I'm still pissed I can't find a nursing bra. Motherfuckers.

So no, I don't miss nursing. I'll most likely nurse my next baby or babies, assuming I have any, although I doubt it will be for any longer than this round, and I doubt it will be exclusively. And you know what? THAT'S ALL FINE.

Okay, so giving birth, right?

[Content: tmi, medical, childbirth, needles in various forms, hospital, blood]

So the story of The Kid being born, I'm going to start the day before, on May 1.

I had an appointment with the midwife, and omfg was I RIPSHIT. Basically any time any of the super-nice nurses asked "oh how are you doing" all I could do was growl-whine "I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE". Which they took in stride and agreed with me, so that helped. I hurt, I was tired, I felt like crap, I was DONE DONE DONE.

I'd been having contractions off and on for a month by this point. Never mind the fact that, as I mentioned in a previous post, I was at higher risk of delivering early. So at this appointment, they wanted to perform a non-stress test, since I was at 41 weeks and 1 day, also known as "post-dates". Did I have contractions during the NST? OF COURSE NOT. But The Kid looked fine, more or less. There was one small, non-emergency finding that prompted my midwife to schedule an ultrasound for the next day, May 2, but that was it.

I was asked if I wanted a vaginal exam. I seriously thought about it, but declined. I figured if there were any changes from the last one, it would get my hopes up so far and then if nothing happened I'd be in even worse shape mentally, and if there were no changes, it would just feed the brainweasels telling me that I would be pregnant forever.

Seriously. Those brainweasels were all about telling me a, that everything was the WORST, and b, that I would just be pregnant forever, la la la, and that's fine, let's start thinking about what that will look like and what I'll need to change in my life to account for that, doop de do. I would tell The Man that I would be Pregnant Forever, and my voice would be that kind of cheerful rational that you know is actually not at all cheerful or rational, and is in fact a little scary.

But I was going to be Pregnant Forever, so FINE.

The midwife asked me if I wanted to talk about induction. I said to her "well I assume you won't let me go past 42 weeks anyway" at which point she breaks in and says oh no, if everything looks fine, they'll let me go past 42 weeks, at which point I broke in and said "Okay well I do not want to go past 42 weeks". I know that in my birth plan I had said I'd want to go past, but by this point I was so fucking constantly uncomfortable, if not in outright pain from my hips, and so sick of everything, and so upset basically all the time, that it wasn't worth it to me to not be induced.

So we scheduled an induction, for the next Wednesday, at 42 weeks, and I went home.

That night, we go to bed. Now, weeks ago, at the advice of a friend (HI BRIGID), I'd bought a waterproof pad and put it under my side of the bed. There was a plasticky backing to it, so it kind of crinkled and was hot to sleep on, but I hadn't gotten rid of it. Which was good, because about quarter after 1, I turned off the light, rolled over, and oh SHIT that was DEFINITELY my water breaking uh wow yeah that is unmistakeable.

I actually said "OH SHIT" and woke up The Man. Then I was like "SO I'M GOING TO MAKE A PHONE CALL" as he starts getting dressed. Since I was group B strep positive, my water breaking meant WELP HOSPITAL TIME RIGHT NOW. For most people, water breaking is HEY WELCOME TO LABOR PRETTY SOON GO AHEAD AND STAY HOME SLEEP IF YOU CAN. Yeah.

So I call the midwives and am like no really my water broke, I'm sitting in a like foot-wide wet spot on my bed, really, that's what it has to be. I wasn't having contractions at that point, but they were like "yeah, you should come in." So we finish getting dressed, finish packing the auxiliary hospital bag, and make our way down there.

Before we left, I took one last belly picture, and I'm smiling in it for the first time in weeks, because my mind is saying BABY IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OR LESS AWWWWW YEAH.

Here is that picture:

We get to the hospital, and while The Man parks the car, I check in. I'm still not really having contractions. I'd had one or two in the car, but nothing big and nothing regular. I sign another eight million forms and get walked up to the antenatal testing and evaluation unit, so that they can test and evaluate us HAR HAR. Basically they had me get naked, put on a hospital gown, have people stick some pH paper in my vagina to see if it was amniotic fluid I was leaking (OH I TOTALLY WAS), then hook me up to the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor, like they would do during a non-stress test.

I FINALLY HAD SOME CONTRACTIONS WHILE BEING MONITORED it was so fucking affirming. Finally, NO, I WASN'T MAKING THIS UP I KNEW WHAT I WAS FEELING WERE CONTRACTIONS. But it's like three-thirty in the morning so after the heplock was put in my arm (and the nurse who did that did an AMAZING job), so they dim the lights and advise us to get some sleep. We are also told that it's a busy night and all of the labor and delivery rooms are currently full, so who knows if or when we'll get one! It could be interesting!

I'm laying in the bed, and The Man is trying to sleep in the one chair in the room, and not doing well. I'm kind of dozing, but mostly super excited. So I try to read as I'm getting my penicillin. This is maybe four, four-thirty in the morning. And I start having regular contractions. So I start timing them.

They're ten minutes apart.

Then seven minutes apart.

Then five minutes apart.

FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

They're not super-painful, but it's enough that I'm like yup, contraction. So when the nurse comes in she hooks me back up to the monitor, and puts the word out that we'll need a labor and delivery room. The Man and I entertain ourselves by watching the monitor through the contractions. They're getting a bit stronger, enough that I have to take a few deep breaths during them, but not bad. The Man is fascinated by being able to predict exactly when he'll see my facial expression change during a contraction.

The nurse and I naturally chit-chatted and made friends. She asked if I had a birth plan and what it was, and when I told her that I was planning no painkillers, that labor didn't scare me, she told me "oooh I love the tough girls, y'all are my favorite". Pretty much all of the nurses, I made friends with. It was awesome.

Around seven, seven-thirty, a labor and delivery room is free, so our nurse snags that shit for us and we are moved down the hall. I walked under my own power! Good times. The labor and delivery room is much larger, has a more comfortable bed, has more outlets, and its own bathroom with a jacuzzi and a shower, hell yeah. We are advised to sleep while we can, and hey, here's the room service menu maybe order some breakfast they'll bring it to you. So we order some food. We got blueberry pancakes, which were adequate. I didn't eat much, again, excited, and really didn't have much of an appetite.

Also it was apparently an ISSUE that I brought my own thyroid medication and took it myself without a nurse there whoops. Everything I'd read said "take your medications with you to the hospital", and the nurses were like "oh well we'll get you some Synthroid from our pharmacy why use yours". I had to explain that I wasn't ON Synthroid, I was on Tirosint, and I'd prefer to use mine, thanks. They took my box of meds to the pharmacy to get checked in, which took hours, and basically all that happened was it was put in a ziploc bag with a little sticker on it with my name and a barcode, and had a disclaimer form in there that I never signed that said I DO NOT HOLD THE HOSPITAL OR PHARMACY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDICATION etc. and so on.  Yeah, okay. Wev.

So for most of the morning and afternoon, I was in labor. I was also on Twitter, because it was early labor, and yeah, I could tell it was happening, but it wasn't super painful. For a while I was on a birthing ball, I took a hot shower for like forty-five minutes, I walked around. The nurses and midwives encouraged me to eat, so we got some lunch. I had a cheeseburger and fries, which were okay but not the most amazing cheeseburger I've had. But okay. The Man was on the internets on his tablet and trying to sleep in the chair in the room.

Throughout the afternoon, the intensity of the contractions ramped up - as in, they were more painful, and I'd have to stop talking during one, but nothing where I was OMG IN PAIN OMG. I had penicillin every four hours, and that was really the reason I was at the hospital - otherwise I would have gone through all of this at home. The contractions varied some more in their timing - they would be five minutes apart, then ten for a while, then back to seven, but they didn't stop. I also continued leaking fluid, which was OH SO FUN. I basically spent the day wearing just a hospital gown, because fuck underwear when a baby could pop out soon.

I also definitely spent like an hour talking with one of the nurses - who herself had like NINE KIDS - about the state of child mental health services and child protection services in the state.

In the bathroom was a bag with some mesh underwear, and giant-ass pads. There was a package of pads on the shelf in the bathroom - "Curity" was the brand, but it was open and the bag had sagged just enough that it looked like it said "Cunty", which entertained me NO END.

The nurses also had me walking up and down the hall, which I did with The Man. My hips were still in poor shape, so it was slow progress, and the later it got, the more I had to stop walking during contractions, but it was fine.

Towards about four pm, the midwife came in to see me. The nice thing was the midwife on duty all day was one that I REALLY liked - she was the one who gave me the huge hug when I was released from maternal-fetal medicine. So anyway, she comes in to check up on me. And while the fact that I'm still in early labor is not in and of itself a problem, she's concerned because by this point I'd had A LOT of penicillin. Like a lot a lot. And they don't have a time limit on delivery, per se - so nothing like "within 24 hours of your water breaking" - but that's a lot of drugs for me and baby, and maybe we should think about a little pitocin to see if that kicks things in to high gear.

I am okay with this plan because I AM DONE BEING PREGNANT I AM HAVING MY BABY GODDAMN TODAY THAT IS FINAL.

The midwife advised me to eat something, because once the pitocin started, I wouldn't be allowed to eat anything. Also, I'd have to be hooked up to a monitor continuously during the pitocin. Oh and we should do an ultrasound to confirm what position the baby is in.

The Man brought me some toast with peanut butter on it, and I wolfed that down. I also drank some more water. We did an ultrasound and the baby was in the right occiput posterior position - so head down, but the back along my right side, and hir face was facing up, away from my back - "sunny-side up" if you will, and looking right at the ultrasound wand. Which explained a few things, especially how I could feel their hands fluttering right in front and low during the last few months of pregnancy. It also explained why I kept leaning back during contractions.

Once we did the ultrasound, I was hooked back up to the monitors and we started the pitocin. I really didn't have much of it - maybe 1 cc in total. Basically it started and a few minutes later OH SHIT hi welcome to active labor. I had been skeptical about the "oh, you won't be able to mistake active labor" bit that I was told, but NOPE NO MISTAKING THIS. ACTIVE LABOR WAS NOT KIDDING. I was laying in the bed, on my right side - in the hopes that we could help the baby to rotate - and jeezy muffin creezy. I held on tight to the rail of the bed, moaned, wanted to scream but was talked through moaning by the midwife, and yo, it wasn't kidding.

I also puked. A LOT.

Now, I had been nauseated during contractions earlier, and had said a few times "ugh I feel like I'm going to puke." This, after a few contractions, went from "I feel like I'm going to puke" to "DEFINITELY GOING TO PUKE". Some quick thinking from the midwife and The Man ensured I had a container to puke in. The peanut butter toast? Came right back up. And then I puked like three more times. After the second time, I am pretty sure my entire GI tract tried to evacuate via my throat. It was deeply, deeply unpleasant. I fucking hate puking, and I honestly could not help it at all. It was NOPE PUKING NOW.

The midwife was wonderful. She told me "during labor, vomit and blood and nausea are GOOD signs." Which, yes, the were signs labor was progressing, but oh jeebus, fuck vomiting, fuck that shit.

I also started having back labor. Fuck back labor. I labored for a while on my hands and knees, which made keeping the monitor hooked up to me difficult. They kept losing the baby's heartbeat. We decided to take me off the pitocin so that I could be taken off the monitors. They still had to check the baby's heartbeat every fifteen minutes, but I didn't have to be continuously monitored. Active labor definitely continued without the pitocin. The midwife encouraged me to breathe, moan with a low pitch, mouth open - "open mouth open cervix" - and relax between contractions. During the first part of active labor, that was pretty easy to do, especially while I was on my hands and knees.

Later on, that was not so easy. Like I said, I definitely had back labor. Back labor is unsurprising with a posterior-presenting baby. I spent a long time sitting on the toilet, because it had a really high pipe in the back for the flush mechanism, and I could rest my head on it between contractions.

After an hour or two, the midwives wanted me to move, so I was back on the birthing ball, leaning back against The Man. The contractions were way more intense. With back labor, I didn't get a break during contractions at all, so basically I was constantly in pain. The pain definitely got WORSE during a contraction, but it never went away. That made labor a fuckton harder. Additionally, I was getting frustrated because the nurse would talk me through a contraction - saying things like "okay, it's easing, it's going away now". Which wasn't always true. I had a number of contractions that "double-peaked", meaning I'd hit a peak pain in the contraction, and it would fade a little, then hit a second, stronger peak before finally easing. They would also come in waves - three less intense contractions, then three more intense contractions.

The nurses and midwives also wanted me to lean forward with contractions, but that made shit hurt worse - also not unusual with a posterior baby and back labor. So I kept leaning back with contractions.

By this point, I was tired as fuck and crying. All I could say was "make it stop, make it stop". I was pretty out of it with pain. Not going to lie, I had a conversation with the nurse and The Man about how I know I had said I didn't want an epidural but oh my god the pain just didn't stop, it wouldn't stop, make it stop. The nurse put me off and said "well when the midwife comes back we can talk about an epidural." She told me after I gave birth that once I hit that point, she was pretty sure I was at least 8-9 centimeters dilated.

Some time later, the midwife came back in. The earlier midwife had gone off duty, so this was a new one - except that we'd met her when we went in thinking that maybe my water had broken. Her style was not huggy, it was very calm, matter of fact, and firm, which is what I needed at that point. She had me get up on the bed and try laying on my side. And then I had a contraction and OH WELL SHIT WE'RE PUSHING NOW. It was honestly a little frightening. I was pushing and I did not have a choice in the matter, it was happening SO FUCKING THERE. Like I said, I was kind of out of it with pain, so I cried as I explained that I had to push I couldn't help it.  The midwife did the first and only vaginal exam I had and said "you're almost fully dilated, there's just a thin rim and one more good contraction should to it." That got my attention - even the midwife said "oh you just came back to me a little now." And honestly I had, for two reasons. The first was that the end was in sight. The second was that the back pain had gone away finally, indicating The Kid had rotated and was ready to rock and roll.

I pushed for about twenty minutes. Not straight - I was still only having contractions about every four to five minutes, so I got a definite break. During contractions, the nurse and The Man were holding up my legs, as I was laying on my back in the bed. Which we found interesting, because we heard how oh, that's the hardest position, it's better to squat, blah blah blah, and here I was in it anyway. Whatever, it worked and didn't hurt.

And really, pushing hurt way less than active labor. It was intense as fuck - there was definitely one where I screamed like R2D2 - but it hurt less. The midwife did have to keep reminding me don't scream with the effort, push all that down. So instead my face turned MASSIVELY PURPLE - The Man was like "oh shit, is she going to have a freaking aneurism" he told me later. It was a LOT of effort. But in between I put my legs down, and was aware enough that when I felt one coming on, I could be like "pick up my legs please" before I had to really push.

As I was pushing, the midwife first asked if I wanted a mirror. I responded with a flat "NO." A bit later, as The Kid was crowning, she said "give me your hand" and I responded with the same flat "NO." The Man watched the entire process, but I was not interested in watching or feeling with my hand. I WAS PRETTY AWARE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING, I DO HAVE NERVE ENDINGS IN AND AROUND MY VAGINA, THANK YOU. I KNOW WHERE THE KID IS, AND THEY ARE NOT OUT YET.

Like I said, I only pushed for like twenty minutes. At one point the midwife was asking after the OB on call and asking that they be notified to be ready, which I thought meant that I was going to have a c-section. I thought to myself OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO. This perception was bolstered by the fact that as The Kid descended through the birth canal, their heart rate started dropping. So the midwife was pretty clear that The Kid needed to come out REAL QUICK. After another push the midwife said "we need to do an episiotomy, is that okay?" and I was barely done saying "okay" before I felt the snip. And after maybe three more pushes The Kid was out.

After the head popped out the midwife told me to stop for a minute and not push - turns out The Kid had their hands fisted up in front of their mouth, and then the cord wrapped around all of that, so the midwife quickly unlooped the cord, and then then PLOP baby was out. Feeling a baby slither out of my vagina was definitely an interesting feeling I am never going to forget.

They put the baby on my chest, skin-to-skin, where I exhaustedly cooed to hir. Then they took hir away to be weighed, etc. The Man went with. I stayed on the table. For over an hour. Because it turns out the reason the midwife wanted the OB ready to go was because she could tell that oh shit was I going to need some serious stitching up. During the stitching up, I chatted with the OB and midwife. Turns out the midwives there have a 2% episiotomy rate so yeah, I really needed one, and even with that, I had a 3rd degree tear and a fair amount of interior and lateral tearing as well. Like I said, it was over an hour to stitch me up. I also found out that I lost almost as much blood as I would have had I had a c-section FUN TIMES.

After I was stitched up, The Man brought The Kid over to me so that I could try breastfeeding. All of the sites and shit are like OH MAKE SURE THE BABY LATCHES ON IN THE FIRST HOUR AFTER BIRTH, yeah, well, that wasn't an option, but it didn't seem to matter, because The Kid latched on like a fucking PRO and nursed contentedly.

After that and some additional clean-up, and after a bassinet was found - they were running a little short on those - we finally got moved to the post-partum room. The hospital was so busy that weekend that we were in an overflow room on a different floor, in one of the pediatric units. But, the room had a cot for The Man, and there was still snacks down the hall. My overnight nurse for my entire stay was Pam, and lo, she was AWESOME. We really bonded. She was tickled when I informed her that by bringing me food, she was now my FAVORITEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, for lo, I was SO FUCKING HUNGRY. I devoured some Cheerios, some peanut butter toast, a fuckton of water, graham crackers, some other shit. Basically whatever was available for free in the kitchen down the hall (one of the selling points to this hospital was that the labor and delivery unit had kitchens available for patient use, including free food like cereal, milk, tea, coffee, juice, ginger ale, popsicles, bread, bagels, butter, peanut butter... that sort of thing). FOOD WAS DELICIOUS.

Also the midwife came and checked up on me. Turns out after you give birth, they are really keen on you peeing as soon as possible. But everything is all swollen and numb in that area, so it can be difficult. I got to pee in front of my nurse and midwife. Turns out the trick is to sit on the toilet and blow in to a straw in a cup of water. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, but it totally works. Pam them showed me the joys of ice packs and witch hazel and lidocaine delivered to one's bits via mesh undies. Bulky, messy, and yet OH MY FUCKING GOD FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

And then I slept. By the time The Velociraptor was born, I had been up for about 36 hours and The Man for over 40. He made up the cot in the room and had passed the fuck out about five minutes after we got the room. Once I had eaten and peed and gotten a dose of ibuprofen and The Kid was asleep, I did the same thing. Mmm. Sleep.

And that's basically it. Even during labor, I never was like I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. It was hard. It was painful... and yeah I want more kids. Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my care providers and hospital (I do NOT love the bills, but wev). They were awesome and I will definitely be returning if possible for the next one.

THINGS I LIKE: Cloth Diapers Edition

When I was pregnant with The Velociraptor, The Man and I (really I, and The Man acceded) decided we would give cloth diapers a try. Cue my reading every possible blog post about cloth diapers out there, from what were the best brands, to how to wash, to different types, etc. and so on.

Now that I am cloth diapering full-time at home, HAHAHAH NOW I GET TO MAKE ONE OF THOSE POSTS YESSSSSSSSSS

I'm not going to go in to the basics of types of diapers, etc. and so on. What I'm going to detail is what we use, what we like/dislike about them, details about fit, and how we wash the whole mess of them. Because this is the sort of thing I found immensely helpful when making my decisions. I will also note, if you're thinking about trying cloth diapers, SO MANY PEOPLE give them away ALL THE TIME. Here is a fabulous weekly giveaway round-up. That includes cloth diapers, cloth diaper accessories, and other baby products. People can also add their own "family-friendly" giveaways to the link-up at the bottom. Some of my stash came from giveaways, so hey.

Anyway so what we use are prefolds and flats with waterproof diaper covers (to date, all of them are made of PUL). We fold up the diaper, lay it in a cover, and apply that to The Kid. It seriously is no more complicated than using a disposable diaper. We chose this for a couple reasons. One, it's probably the cheapest way to cloth diaper. Two, it's fucking easy to wash. Everything I've read suggests that all of the human-made fibers used in some of the fancier options get a stink in them after a few months that is nigh impossible to remove. Plus, you can use pretty much any detergent on 100% cotton... the human-made fibers usually require special "cloth diaper" detergents.

I will now go through brand by brand what covers, prefolds, and flats we have. Links will be to the manufacturer's or retailer's website. These are NOT referral links, and I have received no compensation for any of this post - this literally is just my opinions and experiences. The Kid was approximately 8 lbs. at birth, and is built long and lean (seriously, their hips, SO NARROW). Their thighs are not what I'd call particularly chunky, either, although they aren't particularly bony or lean, either.

Covers

• Flip one-size covers
  The manufacturer, Cotton Babies, call these a "hybrid diaper system" and sells their own branded inserts for them. I have none of the Flip inserts, but I do have Flip covers in just about every color made, and at least one of the special edition patterns, and we have them in both hook-and-loop and snap closures. These are probably my overall favorite cover and the first ones I reach for (there's a reason I have so many... seriously, like EVERY COLOR THEY HAVE MADE TO DATE except like, Armadillo). These are designed as a "one-size" cover, and when The Kid was a newborn weighing around 8 lbs., fit hir the second best. They continue to fit very well, and it's just now that I had to adjust the rise. They're trim, they hold up well and contain messes, and I have no preference for hook-and-loop or snaps. They're really nice and widely available. I just wish they came in more patterns.


• Thirsties Duo Wrap sized covers
  These are probably The Man's favorite, and I like them quite a bit too. Unlike Flips and most other covers, these are sized - so, there's a smaller size for smaller babies, and a larger size for larger babies and toddlers. We have four or five of these in size one, and honestly, when The Kid was a newborn, these fit the best. They are very trim. I prefer the hook and loop of these - it's good, solid hook-and-loop, and provides a little bit better fit in the waist. I love that they have double leg gussets, but wish they had flaps to tuck your inserts in like the Flips (not that this has seemed to make a difference in effectiveness, I note). I adjusted the rise on these before the Flips, but they weren't the first that needed adjusting. They're also not all the way unsnapped for the rise yet, although the way The Kid is growing, they probably will be next week. The fabric is nice, although like the Flips, I wish they came in more patterns -  I don't like the colored cover with white trim they have going on. Buuuuut I will probably buy some size twos in a few months.


• Econobums one-size covers
  I actually won a trial kit of these, containing one cover and three prefolds. I'm prepping the prefolds right now, although they are nice and soft right out of the box. As for the cover, it's been in use a few weeks, and The Man's description of it I think is spot on: "It is 'econo'." It's the same cut as Flips (they are from the same manufacturer), but there's only one row of snaps to fasten the waist (Flips have a double-row) and the PUL used is definitely thinner, and a little see-through, and it doesn't have the nice flaps to tuck your insert in to like the Flips do. That being said, it does the job alright. 


• Bumkins one-size covers
  One of these in the turtle pattern was actually the first cover I bought (zulily was having a sale on them... although I think you can find them cheaper than what I paid. Oh well). They fit really well, and I like that they have the double leg gussets and flaps to tuck your inserts in to. But when they say "all snap", they are NOT KIDDING. SO MANY SNAPS. SOOOO MANY SNAPS. Honestly, I don't bother fastening all of the waist snaps when I use these. Also, these are the only covers we have that have the rise snaps totally unsnapped, and we did that pretty early on. Of our one-size covers, these are probably the smallest. The fabric is nice, and is softer and stretchier than any of the other covers, and almost silky. However, that turtle one I bought? Had a total leg elastic failure on one side a month in. It was an easy fix for me (I sew), but disappointing.


• Diaper Safari one-size covers
  Yeah a bunch of the diaper websites have their own in-house covers. WHAT. LET'S GIVE MORE VARIETY. Anyway, these have apparently been redesigned since I bought mine, but the old ones are definitely the biggest covers we have. They are BIG for one-size, and even now, at 2.5 months, the leg gussets are still loose on the kid. The rise is still as small as we can make it. We usually stuff these with prefolds. They also have many snaps, but not as many as the Bumkins. The fabric is nice, thick, and slightly stretchy, and my god, you can NOT beat the price. Diaper Safari also frequently runs sales and has a rewards program. However, these are probably our least favorite right now, simply because they are STILL too big, and the kid weighs close to 12 lbs. I would recommend them for very chunky-thighed babies.


• Blueberry Coveralls one-size covers
  I first got one of these in hook-and-loop because IT WAS A COW-SPOT PATTERN I HAD TO HAVE IT OKAY. These are the second-biggest covers we have in our stash, and they are accurate when they say that their sizing starts at 10 lbs. At 8 lbs., they were too big. By one month, they fit nicely. We haven't adjusted the rise on these yet, although I probably will this week. I like that they have double-leg gussets, but I definitely prefer the snaps in these. I don't like how they do the "laundry tabs" for the hook-and-loop, and prefer the one we have with snaps.  Also, the inside of the cow cover is slightly discolored, and the hook-and-loop band on the front has warped a bit, so it curls. Still works just fine, though. 


• Nicki's Diapers one-sized covers
  I got one of these because OMG HOUNDSTOOTH. This the third-biggest cover we have. We still haven't adjusted the rise. I like it fine, but it's not my favorite. But again, an excellent economy option for covers. I don't like how the laundry tabs are done on this one, either, for the hook-and-loop. but that's a personal preference - they work just fine.


• Imagine one-sized covers
  I bought one of these because OMG DINOSAURS... and we kind of hate it. Honestly, it's not even in use right now, and I'll probably sell it. In our experience, it does not fit from 8 lbs. up, and it still didn't fit quite right at 10 lbs. It might be better now, but since we have plenty of other options... it languishes in the back of the drawer. I have this in hook-and-loop.

Inserts

• Gerber birdseye cotton flats
  I wound up getting a package of these at my baby shower. I did have cloth diapers on my registry, and even Gerber cloth diapers, but I had prefolds to use as burp cloths. ANYWAY, I got them, and dutifully prepped them, and I am glad I did. Flats are the cheapest insert options, generally, and these are proooobably the cheapest flats out there. I will say "you get what you pay for", but also say that using these converted me to flats. They are thin, soft cotton, almost see-through. They will warp in the wash. The edges are finished just with some serging, and they will fray. And I still use them. They absorb well, wash easily, and it only takes me a few minutes to fold them all up via a pad fold for stuffing in to covers. Especially when The Kid was a newborn, these fit fantastically, and are still going strong now at 2.5 months. Plus, these are probably the most widely available flats - I know Babies R Us by me carries them, and I believe Target does too. Most other flats and prefolds are not sold in stores, although Babies R Us I think does carry OsoCozy.


• Diaper Rite birdseye cotton flats
  So as I mentioned, I got converted to flats. So then I wanted to buy more, because especially at first, prefolds were just too bulky on The Velociraptor. I priced out a bunch of places, and these wound up the least expensive. Y'all, these are NICE. The fabric is a good thickness - thicker than quilting cotton, less thick than denim, definitely not see-through. The diapers are cut selvedge to selvedge, and the cut ends are finished with a rolled hem (for those that do not sew and have no idea what I just said, just know that they are made very, very nicely and that the edges will not fray). They have stayed square through washing. The size small are still good-sized; they are slightly bigger than the Gerber prefolds. The Kid has slept through the night with just one of these in their diaper and has woken up with zero leaks. Definitely recommended. Diaper Junction, the retailer of these, also has coupons and a rewards program.


• Diaper Rite cotton doublers
  I got some of these for free with a couple of orders, and while I wasn't planning on getting doublers, I could not pass up free. These are awesome, trim, 100% cotton inserts you can fold in to the middle of a prefold or flat to add some extra absorbency. I have them bleached and unbleached, and both washed up soft and fluffy, and work great. Now that The Kid is a little older and can sleep 11 hours overnight, we usually fold one of these in to a prefold for the night.


• Diaper Rite cotton prefolds
  Huh I did not realize that we had pretty much all Diaper Rite inserts. Huh. ANYWAY so since nobody bought me the prefolds I had on my baby registry, I priced out prefolds and read reviews and bought half a dozen of the size small, and half a dozen of the size medium, in white. These are very nice. They are a good heavyweight twill, nice and thick, and hold up to anything we've thrown at them though. I will say, however, that the size small was still too bulky on The Kid at 8 lbs., so I'd recommend them for closer to 10 lbs. and up. We also use the mediums as a soaker pad on the changing pad, because The Kid really loves to pee all over in the middle of diaper changes. SIGH. Anyway, I have some Gerber "premium" prefolds for use as burp cloths, and while I'm sure those would work as diapers, you can tell the difference (not even Gerber promotes them primarily for diapers, they are all like OH LOOK BURP CLOTHS, CLEANING RAGS, YEAH). The Diaper Rites are thicker in the middle, thicker in the wings, quilt up nicer, and are softer. (But seriously, get you some cloth diapers for burp cloths.) These are bulkier than the flats when in use, but not OH GOD SO BULKY. Even with these, I have not had to size up any of The Kid's clothes to account for the diaper.

Washing

Y'all there are SO MANY WASHING INSTRUCTIONS FOR CLOTH DIAPERS OUT THERE I CAN'T EVEN.  It depends on what kind of washer you have, what diapers you have, what kind of water you have, etc. and so on. I will say that I found the instructions on washing from Green Mountain Diapers helpful, both on the website and in their booklet - although they can kind of ramble and repeat themselves.

Since we have all cotton with PUL covers, our wash routine is pretty simple. We throw the soiled diapers (and cloth wipes) in to a wet bag we have hanging off the changing table. (Some people say that you can wipe out a PUL insert if the baby has just peed and reuse it... we don't do this, because it kind of squicks us out.) We do not bother trying to get the inserts out of the covers; they come out just fine in the wash. When the wet bag gets pretty full, we take it to the washer and do the following:

• Run a prewash cycle on warm
• Run a "super-wash" long cycle on hot, with an extra rinse
• Dry the cotton in the dryer on medium for the max cycle length
• Hang the covers and wet bag to dry

We have a top-loading, non-HE washer. It has an automatic water level sensor, so in order to get enough water in the load, we not only put it on "bulky items" (which means it adds extra water), we override the water level sensor. We never fill it more than halfway with cloth diapers, since one consistent thing is that you need a lot of water for each diaper, and this way there's plenty. I definitely recommend reading your fucking washer manual to see all of the neat features you may like or need to counteract on yours.

As for detergent, since we are using cotton, we just use All free and clear, like we do for our regular clothes. We have had zero issues getting diapers clean with it, and have run in to zero issues with absorbency.  For each load, we use about half the amount recommended on the bottle for a "medium" load. We also live in a city with what is widely considered some of the best municipal water in the country - we do not have hard water. Oh, and definitely do NOT use fabric softener of any kind with cloth diapers, even dryer sheets.

For drying, we do have some wool dryer balls that I like to throw in with the cotton, to make sure it's fluffed up, but we did plenty of loads without them and it worked fine. The cycle length is long just to make sure the prefolds get dry - flats and wipes dry really fucking quickly. We hang the covers to dry to help the PUL last as long as possible. I have a drying rack similar to this one set up in the laundry area. I hang the covers and bags up and they dry pretty quickly.

We do a load of diapers every 24-36 hours. We've got... maybe 20 or so covers and flats, and when your baby can go through 14 diaper changes in a day some days, you need to. Plus, this cuts down on stink. The only time I have had a stink problem was right before vacation. I held off on doing a load of diapers because I wanted to get the last few from the next morning in. Fine, except that I left the loaded wet bag hanging in our laundry area, which is in our attic, so they basically roasted. I washed them with our regular routine, and they still smelled. So I went through the routine again, except I  added 1/4 C of bleach to the "super-wash" cycle, and that did the trick. Some manufacturers say to not use bleach; Cotton Babies recommends using a small amount of bleach once a month. A small amount of bleach once in a while is not going to ruin cotton or PUL, and sometimes you just need it.

Right now, we also don't rinse the poop out of the diapers. The Kid is partially breastfed, so the poop is pretty liquid. Sometimes if they have more formula, it's a little thicker, but even then, we don't bother rinsing it. We have found that with our diapers and wash routine, the poop comes right out. We haven't had any problems with staining, either. And no, neither the diapers nor the washer smell of poop. The diapers smell like either nothing, or grass - unbleached cotton has its own grassy smell, which I am amazed that it still hangs on to after so many washes.

Finally, in order to use cotton diapers, you have to prep them. Basically, you are stripping all of the natural oils from the cotton to make them as absorbent as possible. I prep mine by washing them five times on hot with detergent, drying in between.

And that's it. I am happy to answer questions in comments or via the Twittermachine.

Things The Velociraptor Is Doing: Week 11

• Not only has zie discovered those things on the end of hir arms can grab things, they have discovered that they can use them to put things in their mouth. Things that have ended up in said mouth include blankets, burp cloths, my fingers, their fingers, toys, and everybody's clothes.


• Hands can also be used to touch things, so they have spent a lot of time investigating my arm and elbow during diaper changes. The first time this happened, it was so weird - here I am, changing a diaper, when all of a sudden I feel this little hand gently stroking my arm. I look over. and The Velociraptor is ENRAPTURED. And stroking my arm, over and over. They have also spent some quality time investigating our hands and faces.


• Speaking of diaper changes, we still have at least a dozen of those a day, and oh, does The Velociraptor LOVE peeing during them. LOVES IT. THINKS IT IS HILARIOUS. HAS LAUGHED WHILE DOING IT. Has also managed to not only get pee all over themselves, including caught in their belly button (it's like a little pee reservoir, and always gets filled), they also once managed to get pee IN THEIR EAR. And thought it was hilarious, naturally.


• Also apparently this one romper that I REALLY LIKE okay? The Kid has apparently decided they hate it, because the last two times zie's worn it, zie has pooped on it.


• Between that, the peeing all over, and the spitting up pretty regularly still, I am still doing a lot of laundry.


• Zie fucking LOVES watching me fold laundry. And touching laundry. And knocking piles of folded laundry over.


• Zie also LOVES "talking" to us. Right now it's vowel-sound babbling, but swear to Maude zie's trying (and nearly succeeding) to say "hi" to us. ("Hi" is a word that happens a LOT in our house.) Like it's REALLY close. The Man was also reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? to hir the other day, and says that when they got to Red Bird, a sound remarkably like "red" emerged from hir mouth.The Kid is definitely watching our mouths and trying to imitate us, and loves having conversations, and will definitely let us know when they want to "talk".


• Zie HATES baths in the bathtub so far. Sponge baths they'll tolerate, but oh, the hate for the bathtub.


• The Kid is also REMARKABLY INTERESTED IN OUR FOOD. Oh my gods, if we eat in front of hir, the glares we get. It's like we are taking the food out of hir mouth. We keep telling hir zie can have some with zie grows teeth, and that they'll get a taste of it via breastmilk, but this is not doing much to placate them.


• Zie still hates "tummy time". We usually do pretty good if it involves laying on me, but on the floor? NOAP. They pick their head up and move it fine if they're upright or on my shoulder, but getting it up off the ground leads to frustration... probably because it's not crawling. Seriously, the legs are moving like whoa during tummy time. I keep telling hir that zie has to pick up their head before they can crawl. It's not gotten through yet.


• Zie has also grown out of 0-3 months sized clothes. I put a 6 mos. sized sleeper on hir this week and it fit PRETTY DAMN WELL. So I culled all the 0-3 mos. stuff. Straight 3 mos. still fits, but probably not for much longer. This child is LONG, y'all.

DO NOT LET ME READ SLEEP SITES

[Contents: mommy/parent-shaming]

SERIOUSLY.

So the other day I tweeted this:

Note to self: no seriously you are banned from reading any baby sleep sites or books. BANNED. #zomgbaby
— Wench (@kingdomofwench) July 17, 2014

[Text: Note to self: no seriously you are banned from reading any baby sleep sites or books. BANNED. #zomgbaby]

BECAUSE I NEED TO NOT READ THEM ANY MORE. ALL THEY LEAD TO IS TEARS AND FRUSTRATION.

We got here because I am a reader. And a researcher. I cannot even tell you how many hours I spent reading baby books and websites while pregnant, and that hasn't really stopped now that The Velociraptor has made an appearance (and been around for TWO AND A HALF MONTHS WHAT). So I was reading baby sleep sites!

And they pretty much all say things like DON'T DO THIS YOU WILL RUIN YOUR CHILD FOREVERRRRRRR (not always in those exact words, but it surprises me how close many of them are) and YOUR BABY SHOULD BE DOING THIS and HERE ARE THE WORST MISTAKES YOU CAN MAKE.

Oh my fucking god! So stressful!

Also, none of them agree with each other. They do not even agree on the basics of how many hours per day babies should sleep at various ages, much less on how many naps babies should take, the best way to get babies to nap, etc. and so on.

But I kept reading them, because y'all, The Kid's naps are a MESS.

Here's the thing. I am not complaining. I'm frustrated, but I'm not complaining, because The Velociraptor has slept through the night since they were about two weeks old. And not that crappy "oh five hours is TOTALLY sleeping through the night" that sleep sites and books try to sell you. Nah dude. At least seven hours. Right now, we're averaging nine hours straight a night.

But daytime sleep, since about a month ago, has been a mess. Developmentally, this makes a lot of sense, because right about that time zie discovered that they could talk to us! And hit things! And move their legs! And there was a baby in the mirror! And they could grab things! And they could maybe roll over! So there were ALL SORTS OF SUPER NEAT THINGS TO SEE AND DO AND TRY at once so FUCK SLEEPING AMIRITE CHECK THIS OUUUUUTTTTTT

So then we'd get to the point where The Kid would be up for five hours at a time (note: ALL sites agree that is WAY too long awake for a baby The Kid's age), and then suddenly crash and be screaming. And then only sleep 26 minutes (I am not kidding, you can set a fucking watch by this child). And wake up cranky, RINSE AND REPEAT.

But even in the midst of that, The Kid would sleep through the night. GETTING them to sleep was a challenge, but once they were out, they were out.

So I would read sites about how to get your baby to nap regularly and not be up for five hours. And then when things wouldn't work and we'd have one of Those Days again I would be in TEARS because WHAT AM I DOING WRONG WHYYYYYYYY and feel horrible about nursing The Kid to sleep or sometimes just giving up when they were tired and not going to sleep and just letting them quietly play in their crib and did I mention TEARS.

This is no good.

Because here's the thing. I even asked The Kid's pediatrician about it. She said "Do the best you can. It's great zie's sleeping through the night, and I often find that great night sleepers are crappy day sleepers and vice versa. It'll probably settle down after three months, so in the mean time, do what you can."

And that's just it. The Kid sleeps through the night. They are ahead of the curve developmentally. Even when super fucking tired, they are not super fussy and impossible to calm down. Does it suck when they are up three, four, five hours and I'm like GO TO SLEEP JUST GO TO SLEEP? YES. YES IT DOES. Because it feels like I am beating my head against a brick wall and I can't stop. But, zie does eventually go to sleep (and increasingly, they seem to want LESS intervention to go to sleep). And while most people would tell you that the unpredictability of the nap schedule right now means going out is hellacious, honestly, it isn't for us. We took a road trip to Chicago last week, then road-tripped to Michigan from Chicago, and zie did AMAZINGLY FINE. So it's not like this is keeping me tied home or anything.

But oh, the SHOULD and MUST and BLAH BLAH BLAH of sites. Oh my gods.

I have decided that pretty universally, people are just making most of that shit up (not the part about babies needing a lot of sleep; that is pretty easy to tell just by observation. The rest of it, though, is highly suspect). So FUCK THEM. They don't know MY kid. (They really don't; none of them I've found even remotely address a 2-month-old who sleeps through the night but is a terrible napper; at this age they're all like HERE IS HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT... thanks player, lucked out on that one already). The Man and I know our kid. And so some days we have horrible no good nap days, and some are rock star days, and in the meantime, we make sure zie is clean and fed and we try to get them to sleep as regularly as possible.

AND THAT IS OKAY. 

Pooooooooop

[Contents: poop and ways of dealing with it; menstruation and related products]

Not my poop, although there is a whole lot we could talk about with being pregnant and what that does to one's digestive system. Baby poop.

So, babies poop. Kind of a lot. And pee. Kind of a lot. So you kind of need some way to deal with that business.

And oh my Maude, y'all, there are some STRONG. FUCKING. OPINIONS. out there about how to do that.

My opinion can be summed up as follows: look it holds bodily waste, so long as it does a good job containing that, whatever you choose is fine.

I do personally really like cloth diapers. Super cute! Supposed to be better for the environment! Soft and can cause fewer rashes! Did I mention cute! We are cloth diapering The Kid while at home (mostly - sometimes we use disposables, and we definitely use disposables while out of the house) and y'all, I really really do like cloth diapering The Kid. This post is mostly about why, what I like, and the concerns people have with cloth diapering.

There's a lot of bullshit that goes along with cloth diapers, including some of the OMG CHEMICALS ARE SO HORRIBLE WHY WOULD YOU LET ANY TOUCH YOUR BABY crowd (newsflash: everything, literally, on this earth is chemicals). Which, seriously, can we please stop trying to promote our positions by shaming the other position or position. (Unless the other position is something like "people don't need food" or p much anything else in the US Republican platform; then shame away.) So while I totally understand not wanting to do it because of that, there are a lot of nice things about cloth diapers, too.

One of the nicest things about cloth diapers is that if you are running out? It's a pretty easy fix - LOAD OF LAUNDRY. Admittedly, you can't just throw your diapers in with whatever other clothes need washing; they need to be a separate load. And it takes longer, because you have to pre-soak and then extra rinse and blah blah blah. And you can't throw all of them in the dryer. But hey! They ARE washable! If you have your own washer and dryer like us, you can be in your pjs! It can be midnight! Doesn't matter, you can have more diapers ready to go without having to get dressed, go to the store, deal with people, and come home.

For those who are now going OMG POOP IN YOUR WASHER, well, baby clothes and sheets and blankets frequently get poop, pee, spit-up, and drool all over them. And what do you do when that happens? You wash them. Same thing. Also, once the kid is eating solids and is pooping actual poop instead of the watery loose stool you get from formula or breastmilk, you shake the poop off in to the toilet and flush it. Our washer does not smell like poop, and we've been cloth diapering for like six weeks now. Our clothes do not smell like poop either (unless they have been freshly pooped on, which, for a while, The Kid liked to poop in that thirty seconds of not having a diaper on for a diaper change, and you would be amazed at how far a three-week old infant can launch poop. It is truly terrifying.).

The diapers also don't smell like poop or pee, they smell like clean cotton. One of the challenges of cloth diapering can be getting them clean. Depending on your water and washing machine, what detergent you use, what materials your diapers are made out of (we are only using cotton and waterproof PUL covers), this can be a challenge and require lots of trial and error. There's also about eight zillion recommendations online, making things even more confusing. I was lucky enough to hit on a good combination the first try, so that's what we do. Some people recommend special detergents; I have found that the all Free & Clear detergent we normally use works just fucking fine, thanks. It does take longer to wash and dry a load of diapers than normal laundry. It takes two wash cycles - a prewash, and then a super-long wash cycle with an extra rinse. They also take a longer dry cycle, because we have mostly flats but some prefolds, as well as some doublers, and since the prefolds and doublers are thicker, they take longer to dry.

But once the diapers are clean and dry, it takes maybe five minutes for me to fold and prep the entire load? Most of the time The Kid is laying on the bed next to me, watching in utter fascination. (Folding laundry is like a fucking AIR SHOW for infants.) Changing the diapers is no more complicated either. The covers are the same shape as disposables, and are applied the same way. They close with either hook-and-loop tabs or snaps. We do use cloth wipes with the cloth diapers, and that's easy too - there's a stack of clean wipes next to a bowl filled with water that has a touch of baby wash added to it. Dip the wipe, squeeze it out, apply to baby bottom. The wipes then get washed with the diapers. They're also super fucking absorbent, so like when The Velociraptor pees in the middle of a diaper change, hey, let's use a dry wipe to soak up the extra that landed on the changing pad, YEAH. And if it takes me a dozen wipes to clean up poop, WHO CARES, they just get washed.

Cloth diapers are bulkier than disposables. Some cloth is bulkier than others (this is why I have my favorite covers and usually use flats, but that's a subject for a whole other post). I have found that generally, I have not had to size up The Kid's clothes to account for this. If it fits them while wearing a disposable, it fits them while wearing cloth. Their butt looks bigger, but that's about it.

Also, we have not had any problems with leaks with the cloth diapers, even when The Kid went to sleep for the night way earlier than we expected and slept in a cloth diaper. We've had one poop leak in disposables, and one in cloth, so it's less the cloth and more OMG SO MUCH POOP. Because leaks happen, no matter what kind of diaper you use. The cloth diapers we are using - flats or prefolds in waterproof covers - work really, really well, y'all.

Finally, once we started cloth diapering The Kid, while the amount of laundry we did went up (and probably our gas bill, because we do use hot water), the amount of trash went WAY THE FUCK DOWN. Pre-baby, we generated one bag of trash per week. We are back to that now, from about 3 bags per week. This, I like, because I don't take out the trash, and trying to stuff yet another dirty diaper in the trash when it's already full is no fun. We also are not scrounging to find any sort of plastic bag to put dirty diapers in. It's way better for us.

Also did I mention cute? I mean, how can you argue with a cow-print diaper? Or dinosaurs? Or little birds? I mean seriously.

Things The Velociraptor is Doing: Week 7

The Kid will be eight weeks old on Friday. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.

They have definitely started realizing that they can move their hands and feet. We've watched hir bat over and over at toys hanging from their play gym in the past week or so - like, it's clearly a deliberate, repeated movement. Same with the legs - we got this play gym, which has a toy piano at the foot that they can kick. And they do. Often. Repeatedly. Deliberately. We're going on vacation in a week or so, and I'm planning on adding a few small hanging toys to the packing list, to attach to the car seat for driving entertainment.

They have also discovered that cute baby in the mirror, and will gleefully talk and talk and talk and smile at them.

They will also talk and talk and talk at US. We have reached the "coos" stage, although that really doesn't describe the range of noises zie is making. There are all sorts of coos, squeals, grunts, groans, yelps, etc. that The Kid is making, in various patterns, pitches, and tones. We have "conversations", wherein The Kid will squeal, and I'll respond, and go back and forth for a few minutes. They also try to imitate us - I can usually get hir to "sing" 'ah-ah-ah' with descending pitch at me.

The Kid has also recognized our faces and voices.  This morning, when zie woke up, they were laying in their bassinet with their face away from me. I sat up in bed, said "Good morning" and zie quickly turned their head towards me, focused on my face, and gave me the BIGGEST grin. The turning the head to the voice in the morning is new, but for a week or two now, we have gotten facial recognition. We could pick hir up while they were fussing awake, and watch hir calm down, focus on us, and then grin. Soon after that, they started tracking movement - I could lay hir in the bassinet, then be walking around getting dressed or whatever, and zie would follow my movement.

The biggest grin upon recognition helps immensely when zie wakes up after only half an hour of napping. Or when we think we have hir down for the night, and zie wakes up forty-five minutes later. Even then, I can't complain, because zie's been sleeping 7-9 hours at night consistently for weeks now. Granted, that doesn't always start until really late (The Kid's bedtime is somewhere between midnight and 2 right now), but once they're asleep, they are ASLEEP. The other night they were napping and we went out to dinner with friends at a super-noisy restaurant, and they slept through the entire thing. As well as with moving from the car seat to bed when we got home. Today zie napped through construction next door.

Zie also has been picking up their head when up on our shoulder pretty much since birth, but now is getting better at doing it while laying on the floor. Today we got to about a 45-degree angle. When I'm reclined on the couch and zie's on my chest, zie can pick their head up and turn and look at me, which is awesome.

Finally, our current favorite song seems to be "The Fish of the Sea". What, you don't sing shantys that featured in Assassin's Creed: Black Flag to YOUR baby? Pffft.

SHIT HAPPENING TO MY NO-LONGER-PREGNANT ASS

[Content: tmi, medical]

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I HAVE A BABY AND ZIE'S ALREADY A MONTH OLD AND WHAT THE FUUUUCCKKKKK

How has this month this month and a half and almost two months gone by so quickly? I am pretty sure I gave birth like, last weekend y'all, and somehow I have this gorgeous baby who quickly outgrew their newborn-sized clothes and who smiles and coos and giggles and grunts and farts and is just SO FREAKING ADORABLE ALL THE TIME and who smells so good and eats so well and is growing SO FAST.

Mostly this past month my time has been taken up sleeping, nursing The Kid (aka The Velociraptor), and for the first two weeks, mostly sitting on the couch exhausted, but for the last few weeks, doing laundry, reading books, doing the dishes, making bottles, folding clothes, cooking dinner, shit like that. Also feeding myself and peeing. So much peeing.

I've also been working on completely re-learning how to walk, for like the eight thousandth time in my life. My hips were SO loose and out of alignment by the time I gave birth. It was really bad. Giving birth actually pretty much immediately relieved the constant pain I was in - funny how not having OVER EIGHT POUNDS OF BABY sitting RIGHT ON A LOOSE FLOPPY JOINT eases that. But I'd gotten in to a lot of habits to compensate for that joint, which, now that it's not as floppy, it doesn't have all that extra pressure on it, and my actual hip joints are easing back in, are causing me pain. So I'm having to constantly remind myself that I need to stand up straight, and don't need to waddle any more, and can effectively use my abdominal muscles to stabilize my spine again, etc. and so on. It's a work in progress.

But, it is in progress. I don't parcel out my activity in terms of how many times I can do the stairs in a day anymore. I mean, I am doing so much laundry - since we're using cloth diapers at home - but going up and down the stairs three or four times a day is okay. I went out last weekend and ran errands and went to like five stores and I WAS OKAY. I've been cooking dinner nearly every night after the first two weeks - OMFG HAVE I MENTIONED I LIKE FOOD AGAIN. FOOD IS AMAZING. I WANT TO EAT IT. ALSO COOK IT. I HAD PORK CHOPS AND TORTILLA SOUP AND ALL SORTS OF THE THINGS MY PREGNANT ASS COULDN'T EAT AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

Also I can wear high heels again, which is fantastic. Flats don't make my back and feet hurt as much as they did pre-pregnancy, but they are definitely back to being way less comfortable. My feet have not changed size either, which is helpful.

I don't feel like my body has changed shape or size much either. Oh, let's be real, I have a whole bunch of brand new, angry purple stretch marks all over my belly. But... I'm back in my old clothes. Not that I ever wore "maternity" clothes anyway, or bought any bigger clothes for myself. But I'm back in the jeans and shirts that were a bit too small. My belly is still soft and floppy and jiggly, but it was BEFORE I got pregnant. My boobs are still definitely bigger, especially since I am breastfeeding at least most of the time, and I don't have a single bra that fits properly, but since most of my days I'm just at home with The Kid, fuck it, I just don't wear a bra.

The one thing that may have changed would be my bits, and honestly, it's not like I looked at them, uh, at all before I got pregnant, and I haven't looked at them since I gave birth. I do know that there were A LOT of stitches put in there, and there's a couple that seem to have not quite healed. But everything seems like it's more or less okay and where it belongs? I don't know. I get them checked out IN FULL in about a week, and The Man is definitely keeping count of how many days are left until I get cleared by my midwife. (I was informed by my mother that my father ALSO kept close track of how many days were left until OMG SEXYTIMES, which on the one hand, omg, not thinking about my parents having sex, and on the other, is hilarious).

I'm also in so much better health mentally. The last month of pregnancy was really fucking tough on me, and in ways that I'm still figuring out and didn't realize at the time. I am aware that I was cranky, angry, rude, had no patience, and was unpleasant to be around, and I'm sorry. I really am much better now though. Amazing what not being in pain does for one's mental health - which I also realize I don't need to explain to many people who read this blog or follow me on the twitter-machine. Yeah, I get tired, and for the first two weeks especially, I was a, weepy as hell, and b, super-frustrated that I couldn't be up and doing everything I wanted to yet.

The weepiness was hormonal - I would see my parents holding The Kid and be all like "That's my MOM" or "that's my DAD! HOLDING MY BABY!" and be so overwhelmed with joy and happiness and sadness that oh my god, they won't always be around and the baby is growing SO QUICKLY and a whole host of other emotions that they were too much to contain and they all leaked down my face. Or I'd be reading a book and something bad would happen to a baby or child and be all like "THAT IS SO TERRIBLE OH MY GOD I HOPE THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO MY CHILD I AM SO SAD", etc. and so on. It's eased up, a lot. I'm still feeling more of those kinds of emotions than I was, but they're not leaking down my face anymore, which, I am grateful for.

The frustration was definitely OKAY I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRAP ANYMORE I WANT TO DO LAUNDRY AND SHIT and it was really hard for me to have my mom doing it all for those first two weeks. Both my folks were over here pretty much every day the first week after The Kid was born, and my mom stayed with us another week. So she cooked, and did laundry, and spring cleaned the house, and I am immensely grateful for it... and struggled a lot with guilt and frustration around it. It was hard for me to realize that yeah, if I had REALLY needed to do all of those things that early on, I could have... but the first week especially, I really wasn't capable of it, and it was better for me to rest and build up strength, and it was PERFECTLY FINE for someone to help me and do them for me for a while.

And it really helped. Yeah, I was tired after she left... but I'd had two solid weeks where I could really rest and heal, and I think it made a huge difference.

So now my days are getting up with The Velociraptor, feeding The Velociraptor (always feeding... this child, y'all, swear to Maude zie has a hollow leg because I don't know where four hours of nursing and 20 oz. of formula goes SERIOUSLY), changing diapers, washing diapers, figuring out what to eat for dinner, thinking about leaving the house, sometimes ACTUALLY LEAVING THE HOUSE... and yeah, I'm pretty happy. Tired by late at night, but happy.

HOLY SHIT

UM

SO I HAVE A BABY NOW

ZIE IS SIX AND A HALF WEEKS OLD ALREADY

I DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED

Also turns out that while the baby sleeps pretty regularly? Turns out that somehow I don't have much time to blog? Because I'm doing things like dishes, and laundry (this child generates 1-2 loads of laundry per day, HOW), and sneeping myself, and prepping bottles, and folding laundry, and addressing birth announcements, and going to doctor's appointments (for The Kid AND me), and making dinner, and feeding myself, and staring in to space...

It's pretty awesome.

Baby and I are both doing really well. Zie sleeps through the night and has since about two weeks old - and not just that crappy "oh five hours straight", this kid sleeps on average six and a half hours, and up to nine hours at night. Kid is also growing SO FAST. We've already had to move up the straps in the car seat and swing. They grew out of newborn-sized clothes a few weeks ago already too. At their last doctor's appointment they weighed 9 lb. 15 oz. and were 23 inches long already.

The Kid also smiles and coos and almost-giggles and tries to mimic us and is just an absolute joy. So yeah, pretty happy. Just busy :)

Birth Plans

[Contents: medical, tmi, needles, pain]

OH BUT DO YOU HAVE A BIRTH PLAN

yes i have a birth plan okay

Birth plans come off to me as this odd mix of super-trendy "empowering" crap, and a good exercise for thinking through and stating your care preferences. My care provider's office and hospital use them, and have a form (although it's a terrible form and I hate it... which has been such a theme for every piece of paperwork I've gotten from them), which I have duly filled out and have in my purse so that it is handy for when I go to the hospital and am actually in labor.

The thing about birth plans is, you can state your preferences all you fucking want, and then they are going to run smack in to what ACTUALLY happens while you're giving birth, which may not even remotely resemble what you were hoping for, and in fact has decent odds of giving you a situation you did not even consider.

When I filled mine out... mmm, probably about six to eight weeks ago, one of the things on there was "if baby and I are fine, I want to let the pregnancy go to 42 weeks before being induced", which, now that I'm past 40 weeks and kind of thought it would never be relevant, I am a little boggling at my dipshit self. It's not that I disagree with it - I tend to be of the "don't fucking intervene unnecessarily" camp, just that wow, this is not a thing I was told I even had to worry about.

Probably the biggest thing on my birth plan that People Have Opinions About is about pain management. Yes, People Have Opinions about lots of stuff during pregnancy, birth, and child rearing (and boy, do they loooooove to share them unsolicited, holy shit), but oh my fucking god, do People Have Opinions about epidurals.

There is the camp that believes epidurals are the universe's gift to pregnant-person kind, and who remembers or will gladly tell you about what a fight it was to get any sort of pain relief offered regularly to people in labor. And, there is a point - there was a lot of rank misogyny and sexism to overcome on the part of getting a population mostly of women effective, safe pain relief during something that a great number of people think SHOULD goddamn hurt.

Then there's the camp that promotes "natural" birth, and "natural" pain relief methods, who write things like "90% of US babies are born with drugs in their system" completely uncritically (I saw this on an article on Pinterest, and I should have repinned it, because JESUS GOD), who will tell you all about how "your body knows what it is doing" and "it's empowering" and etc. and so on. Which, I'm not knocking (much) of that either (I'm definitely knocking the bullshit OMG DRUGS shit), because yeah I do think birth is something that generally, yeah, bodies are at least kind of made to do that shit.

What I do hate is the implicit or explicit "virtue" that gets ascribed to having a "natural" birth, like you're somehow a better person if you don't use painkillers. That is some shaming bullshit, and it needs to stop.

Personally, I don't want an epidural. Not because I think I'll be a better person, not because I think I'll be more empowered or whatever, but because I have had needles in my spine and I don't really fucking like them, so if I can opt out, I will.

Seriously.

I am fully aware of how effective drugs are, especially when injected in to or near your spine - I had a spinal with my cerclage in December, and prior to that, I've had cortisone injections in my spine because of my disc problems. Shit works! I will be the FIRST to tell you. I really just fucking hate needles in my fucking spine.

That, and honestly, I'm not really concerned about pain levels during labor.

This has been kind of a struggle during any sort of care I get, because my personal pain scale is not the same as everyone else's. Okay, let's be real - no one has EXACTLY the same pain scale as anyone else. But mine is... particularly skewed, it seems. I come to this conclusion after years of dealing with pain and describing it, and having many if not most people be like "and that's only a WHAT for you?"

Like with the cerclage removal. If you read stories about it, most people are like "yeah that was super fucking painful I wish I could have had drugs". Mine went on for over half an hour, it was complicated, we're lucky it could be done in the doctor's office, and I described it afterwards as "unpleasant". Like, if we use that ubiquitous 1-10 pain scale with the stupid faces on it, the removal hit maybe a 1 for me. In other words, I noticed it, but it didn't get anything out of me besides a brief wince. When I told this to the nurse, her jaw dropped.

Likewise, I have a history of herniated disks in my lower back. This can cause excruciating pain, including sciatica, muscle pain, and joint pain. A symphony of pain, if you will. The first time it happened to me, basically all I could do was lie on the floor, crying and occasionally screaming, praying for death. I fucked up my disks again the last semester of graduate school. I couldn't sit or stand up straight, I was in pain for a good six months. It sucked and I hated it, and I still went to class and wrote papers and did dishes and basically was extremely angry but got on with my life. It's exhausting, but I had trouble getting a diagnosis and referral for physical therapy this last round, because the doctor I saw didn't believe I was in that much pain or in that bad of shape, because I walked in to their office under my own power and was able to calmly hold a fucking conversation.

So labor pain? Doesn't fucking scare me. I have lived through way fucking worse, that has lasted way fucking longer.

This is also why all of the advice in childbirth classes for how to tell you're in labor, like "oh, yes, it'll be really painful, you won't mistake it", I am somewhat skeptical about. I've already had a few contractions that sure, have made me go "fuck, ow".... and I've talked to my mother, who seems to have a similar pain scale to mine, and from her experience, active labor and pushing and all that isn't much worse. Like, it's painful, and it sucks... but it's not OMFG THE WORST PAIN EVER GOING TO DIE. Also, it only lasts a few hours, which, in comparison to literally months, hahahah yeah fuck it that ain't shit.

I am not opposed to painkillers, and (at least partly to reassure The Man, who does not like seeing me in pain) I am open to having a dose of some IV narcotics if things get horrible. And obviously if I wind up with a c-section, yes please, anesthesia all the fucking way. But... yeah, nope, no epidural please, and thanks.

Other than that, my birth plan is basically summed up as "OMFG LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE". Don't give me eight thousand vaginal exams, don't touch me unless I ask you to, don't do shit to me without my express consent and without explaining it, don't induce me, don't let students peer up my vag, let me move around during labor, don't force me to lay on my back, leave me alone. I will let you know if I need anything, I promise, I've gotten REAL good at communicating my needs.

Do I know how things are going to go? No. Sure, I can make some guesses, but they really are guesses, even if they are based on my mom's experiences. She and I are a lot alike - including down to hey, prodromal labor, FUN TIMES - but that's no guarantee either. So we'll see what happens. That shit may all very well get thrown out the fucking window (except the no needles in my fucking spine part, seriously, I hate needles in my spine), but so long as The Kid and I come out the other side okay, sounds good.