Breastfeeding, Now That I've Done It

[Contents: TMI; parent-shaming; disordered eating]

I feel a little strange writing this up, since I'm no longer breastfeeding, but part of this blog is to share my experiences, especially as a fat lady with some chronic health issues, so that people who are similar boats have some reference material and don't feel as isolated and alone.

So. Breastfeeding.

Honestly going in to it, I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about breastfeeding. I was anticipating it was going to be super-weird. And, except for about thirty seconds when I thwapped out one of my boobs and started nursing in front of my father, it wasn't weird. It was just, "oh, I'm feeding my baby, okay."

I will also say that now that I've stopped, I don't miss nursing. And you know, nursing was pretty easy for me. I had to get a little creative with positioning sometimes - which I'll go in to more detail about later - but I never had sore or cracked nipples, I never had mastitis, a blocked duct, or thrush, The Kid never had latch problems, I never had painful engorgement, nothing. It worked pretty damn well all around.

The only issues were my supply - it's unclear whether I would have had enough to nurse exclusively. I go back and forth on that. Since I have thyroid issues, it is more likely that I did have some under-supply issues. Those issues, if they existed, were probably not helped by the fact that I really, really struggle to eat enough. It's easy to blame having a baby for the not eating, but that's a lie. I've struggled for years with making sure to feed myself adequately. I will say that having a baby exacerbated that. I could have really used someone who just constantly brought me food I could eat one-handed, especially in the first month or so where basically if the baby was awake, zie was nursing. And without eating enough, it's difficult to make enough breast milk.

But yeah, I don't miss it. I do miss being able to read or internets while nursing - I almost always had one hand free, and I have an iPod Touch with wifi, which is perfect for one-handed use. I do miss the early morning, 5 am wake-ups, and taking the baby in to bed with me and nursing while dozing. I miss nursing the baby to sleep. I miss nursing the baby to sleep on the couch and then shifting hir up to my shoulder so that we could both take a three-hour nap on the couch. I miss the baby unlatching hirself and giving me a milk-drunk, half-asleep grin with milk dribbling out of hir mouth.

I don't miss the last few months of nursing, whereupon The Kid was constantly clawing me and pinching my breasts, so that nursing turned in to a constant battle to prevent my personal pain. I don't miss The Kid's distracted nursing as they got older. I don't miss being stuck in a stationary position for however long nursing lasted. I don't miss the fact that I never found a nursing bra that fit, so nursing anywhere but at home was a royal pain in the ass. I don't miss the pain in my wrists from having to support whichever breast I was nursing from for however long nursing lasted, and it was regularly over an hour. I don't miss the discomfort from being stuck in whatever position I was in while nursing. I don't miss my tailbone constantly aching from sitting and nursing all the time.

One of the big things they tell you about breastfeeding is that it's SO CONVENIENT and IT'S FREE. Well, no. It's not free. It's certainly less expensive than formula feeding, but it's not free. It's a hell of a lot more time - and my time is not of zero value - and it's an increased cost in food and water for whoever is nursing. For lo, do you need to drink the hell of a lot of water when nursing.

And as for convenience, I'd say that breastfeeding and formula feeding are both convenient, just in different ways.

Ways breastfeeding is convenient:

• You really do never leave the house without the baby's food.
• You always have more food - you never run out.
• You can snooze while doing it.
• You don't have to do a load of dishes before you can feed the baby.
• You often have a free hand, so you can catch up on your reading or Twitter feed.
• No food goes to waste.

Ways formula feeding is convenient:

• You don't have to half-undress in order to feed the baby.
• It doesn't take an hour or more per feeding session.
• You don't have to try to eat or drink anything extra.
• Someone else can feed the baby while you eat some damn dinner finally.
• I can actually put the baby in the carrier and feed hir while we're moving.

They're also both inconvenient in some ways.

Ways breastfeeding is inconvenient:

• It's way harder, for me anyway, to find a comfortable position. The combination of large breasts (that I half-lovingly refer to as "cantaloupes in socks"... really soft cantaloupes) mean that unless I'm at home, where I can put my feet up and have a pillow in my lap, breastfeeding involves hunching over and lots of stress on my arms. Some people can nurse while their baby is in a carrier and they're moving! I am not one of them.
• It takes a long, long time to completely feed the baby, especially at first. Then once it shortens up, GROWTH SPURT, and we're back to constant nursing.
• Nursing strikes. You haven't lived until your baby has screamed at you every time you offer hir your breast.
• You're the only one who can feed your baby, unless you choose to pump, which is a whole other level of pain-in-the-ass-ness. (I did not pump.) Even if you do pump, any regular feeding time you aren't nursing, you have to pump, so you're still getting up in the middle of the night usually.
• You constantly need food, and especially water.
• The baby will always want to nurse when it's dinner time.
• You have to watch what you eat and drink. For example, if you drink something caffeinated, caffeine will be in your breast milk, and you might have a baby who is wired. Some babies with allergies and food intolerances are also sensitive to what their nursing parent eats - e.g., dairy.
• I didn't have them, but cracked nipples, clogged ducts, and thrush are real, painful things.
• Most doctors in the US will recommend that breastfed babies receive a Vitamin D supplement. So you have to buy that and remember to give it to the baby.
• Clapperclawing. Your baby will do it.

Ways formula feeding is inconvenient:

• Formula is expensive. And you will always have to toss some out, because once you mix up a bottle, the clock starts ticking.
• Bottles are expensive. The bottles that work best for us? Are $19.99 for three. We use at least six bottles a day right now. So a dozen bottles (so you've always got at least one clean... honestly, we have 17 now and I'm finally comfortable) is $80. Sure, there's coupons and sales, but jeebus. Let's not even talk about replacement nipples.
• You don't have a hand free.
• You can leave the house without the baby's food (and I've done it WHOOPS).
• You can't snooze while doing it - you have to stay awake.
• You have to make sure you buy enough formula you don't run out. The grocery store sells it, but it's often the most expensive option. So you have to either order it online, or make a special trip to Babies R Us or Target or wherever. It's also heavy as fuck.
• Unless you're using ready-to-feed (the most expensive form of formula out there), you have to make sure you have enough safe water to mix up the formula. I think about this, because it's hurricane season, and it's about to be winter storm season. We've never had a problem with our water here, but if we did, I need to make sure the baby doesn't starve.

I'm sure there are more things to add to all four of these lists (please feel free to share in comments!). But basically, it's a trade-off. As for other things that get used to shame people in to breastfeeding - and yeah, a lot of times it is trying to shame people in to breastfeeding - I have bonded with my baby just fine, thank you; my baby is healthy as fuck and has consistently been months ahead on hir milestones; my baby is at the 50% percentile for weight-for-age and even if they weren't, I don't consider obesity a health problem to prevent; breast cancer doesn't run in my family so I'm at low risk anyways; did I miss any?

As for positions, let me tell you, the ones you get the diagrams for, aren't made with fat ladies with large breasts in mind. Nor are nursing pillows. I used either a standard US bed pillow, or a Snoogle mini. I really loved nursing in the hospital, because I could angle the bed how I wanted it, then prop the baby up on a pillow next to me and use a modified football hold. The hospital is also the only place I successfully nursed in the side-lying position, because I could wedge a pillow between the baby and the bed rail. Otherwise, I would sit down, with my feet out in front of me, put a pillow on my lap, and prop the baby on the pillow. I'd support whatever breast I was nursing from with the hand on the same side, and latch the baby on. Nursing in any chair with arms was no good - there wasn't enough room for me, my breasts, and the baby.

I'm still pissed I can't find a nursing bra. Motherfuckers.

So no, I don't miss nursing. I'll most likely nurse my next baby or babies, assuming I have any, although I doubt it will be for any longer than this round, and I doubt it will be exclusively. And you know what? THAT'S ALL FINE.