Shit Happening to My Pregnant Ass: Week 36

[Contents: TMI, medical]

JEEZY MUFFIN CREEZY I AM THIRTY-MOTHERFUCKING-SIX WEEKS PREGNANT WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.

I looked at The Man yesterday and said "You know, there is a small but non-zero chance that we will have a baby in a week."

This is because next Wednesday, at 37 weeks, the cerclage gets taken out. And once that's out... I could immediately start dilating and we could proceed directly to the hospital. Or I could just chill out for three or more weeks and deliver after my due date. There's no real way to know for sure.

But... a small, yet non-zero chance that this time next week I will have a baby.

SO THAT'S A FUN REALIZATION.

This week I stopped the progesterone supplements I was on, so that also makes it a small but non-zero chance I will have a baby soon.

So, things I am anxious about still include things like OH SHIT I HAVE TO WASH BABY CLOTHES AFTER THE SHOWER THIS WEEKEND and BUT WHAT WILL THE BABY WEAR HOME (which, I talked to my mother about today, and she found it hilarious - which I do too - and she also said "yeah I took one outfit to the hospital and set aside a couple things at home so that if I had to send your father to get something, it was clear what to grab."), and now OH SHIT I WILL HAVE A BABY MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE DRASTICALLY AND VERY SOON.

Still highly sanguine about the entire PROCESS of birthing a baby, and the whole "taking care of a baby" thing. But the "wait a minute they're going to let US? BE PARENTS. WHAAAAAAT." has kicked in.

Meanwhile speaking of The Kid, had one of my NOW WEEKLY appointments with the midwives. Still measuring ahead in terms of fundal height, surprising NOBODY. Heartbeat sounded good too. All indications are the The Kid is doing well.

Honestly, I'm doing pretty well too. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy. I mean, I get tired - I'm tired today - but it's after I do stuff, and then I sleep and I feel better and have energy again. My mood seems to be pretty stable, and my hips and pelvis still hurt, but not as bad. And I tend to have more energy per day than I have through most of the pregnancy. So I'm not complaining; it's coming in handy in terms of nesting and shit, but yeah. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy.

I am however looking forward to hopefully not having weird-ass food aversions soon, and hopefully being able to wear all of my usual, heeled shoes again soon. PLEASE PLEASE.

This is getting really old

[Contents: food, food aversions, vomit]

So this is what is getting really old, and had me nearly crying at the dinner table tonight THANKS HORMONES:

Food aversions.

Yeah, they're a common pregnancy side effect, and most sources will tell you oh, they go away after the first trimester. This is not true for everyone, and it is not true for me.

Here is a list of foods I normally eat, and usually like anywhere from quite fine to PLEASE PUT THIS IN MY FACE, that I have not been able to stand during pregnancy:

• Cooked pork. I don't eat bacon, ham, or any of their exotic cousins anyway, because those nauseate the hell out of me, even to smell them. Eating them has lead to vomiting. But other pork products, such as ribs or pork chops or even pork roast, I am usually fine with. No. Not during pregnancy. None of those are okay. Sausage, however, in pretty much any form, remains fine.
• Chili. I make really good beef chili. Even thinking about it right now makes me a little queasy. The day I cooked it for The Man, that was a bad, bad day, because it takes hourrrsssss to cook.
• Tortilla Soup. Tortilla soup is one of my favorite soups. It's spicy and salty and you put cheese in it and it's amazing. NOPE. Made it a month ago and could not even bring myself to take a bite.
• Taco Casserole. Also one of my favorites, it's a pretty easy dinner to throw together and we can usually kill an entire batch of it in two days. Oh god, I need to end this list soon, thinking about all of this shit is not doing me any favors. Anyway, this is also spices + tomatoes + meat.
• Barbequed... anything. I had some barbecued ribs at Christmas (why yes, one of the traditional Christmas meats in our family is ribs), and normally I love them, and they were okay... but not the best and I had to not eat a lot. And barbequed, say, chicken right now? NOPE.

Now see, I would think there's a theme of sorts here - spicy tomato-and-meat-based dishes, but NOPE. Because here are things that have been fucking delicious:

• Curry. IN ANY FORM. Lamb curry, chicken makhani, dal, lamb bhuna, PLEASE GIVE ME ALL OF THE CURRIES. All of my favorite curries are heavily tomato-based, and I tend to like at least a "medium" level of spiciness. Fucking delicious, and if I had more garlic naan, I'd warm up some of the chicken makhani I made Friday and eat it right now.
• Tacos. REGULAR TACOS ARE JUST FINE. They are delicious in fact! I have made them a bazillion times because they consistently sound good! Granted, there's no tomatoes in them, but it's clearly not just taco spices that are my problem.
• Fajitas. PLEASE PUT MORE FAJITAS IN MY FACE THEY'RE DELICIOUS. These also involve chili powder and many of the same spices that are in my chili, so I don't know what the deal is.
• Beans and rice. The black beans from my favorite local Tex-Mex restaurant? INVOLVE PORK STOCK. The rice? has all sorts of veg matter in there, including I think tomatoes. Could eat these every motherfucking day.
• Pasta bake. Oh my maude, give me some like, baked ziti with a good tomato sauce and some Italian sausage mixed in and cheese melted on top. Have made this eight thousand times too because it tastes good.
• Chicken parm subs. Clearly my problem is not meat + tomato sauce.
• Roast chicken. We had to punt a week ago Sunday on dinner, because we ordered chicken parm sandwiches and the site had fucked up and the place where we get them was closed, so The Man ducked in to the Whole Foods across the street and got one of their roasted chickens and some mashed potatoes. Oh my fucking god, so good. When I roast a chicken at home, I do not bother doing it any other way than with two lemons [warning: diet talk at that link, but the recipe is 100% worth your time if you do meat].
• Buffalo wings. I had some two weeks ago after baby-havin' class and it was the best party in my mouth that week.
• Fried chicken. yesssssss
• Potatoes. Preferably fried or mashed. All the potatoes. Allll of them.

Then we get to tonight.

I had some potatoes on hand, so last night I took out a chicken breast and threw it in some lemon garlic marinade. Tonight's dinner was said chicken breast, roasted, mashed potatoes, and some corn. Now, I chose this marinade because the other ones I have on hand are more barbeque-flavored in profile and since they're not Open Pit-flavored, they're suspect. But I like the garlic-lemon-herb whatever the fuck this is! So I picked it!

Chicken smells just fine as it's cooking. I get everything to the table, including mashed potatoes with a truly ridiculous amount of butter in them, cut a piece of chicken, take a bite... and nope. Nope! And I'm like, really? Because I know I need the protein, and I know I like chicken, and this should be fine, so I take another bite and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Can someone please explain to me in what motherfucking goddamn way that this all makes sense. BECAUSE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THERE IS NO LINKING FACTOR IN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN AS TO WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS BAD RIGHT NOW. NONE.

THIS IS BULLSHIT AND I AM SICK OF IT AND IT HAD BETTER GO AWAY AFTER I HAVE THIS KID.

And that is why hormones were leaking down my face at the dinner table tonight.

Breastfeeding, Continued

So Wednesday after my midwife appointment I had an appointment with one of the lactation consultants on staff at the office. My OB recommended it because last time I saw her, I mentioned some of the issues I brought up in my last breastfeeding post, namely, HI I HAVE THYROID PROBLEMS.

I actually really liked the LC, who is apparently also a nurse, etc. and so on. 

Things we agreed on:

1. Baby getting fed is the absolute most important thing. No, seriously, that is it. Cut line.
2. Because of my thyroid issues, I am way more likely to have supply issues.

She also had some recommendations, including making sure to try and put The Kid to breast as soon and as often as possible, to try to stimulate as much supply as possible. And to keep an eye on my thyroid, because any fluctuation in that is going to affect supply - which, I kind of figured, and we'll be keeping a close watch on it anyway. Also she recommended a hospital-grade pump, which if my insurance doesn't cover that like they're supposed to I will BURN THEIR SHIT DOWN.

We also talked about the potential supplementation options, including supplements for me, and supplementing with formula. Basically, she agrees that the odds of my being able to exclusively breast-feed are low. I can likely do some breastfeeding, but we won't know how much or for how long until we try.

She just seemed very down to earth and pragmatic, which I appreciated. Yes, she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she actually acknowledged and validated my concerns, WHICH IS HUGE AND DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH IN THE BREASTFEEDING SPHERE. She also acknowledged that sometimes the struggle to breastfeed just is not worth it, which is also huge. So much pro-breastfeeding rhetoric really just does not acknowledge that there are costs to the person breastfeeding, and sometimes it is not worth it. (Just wait until I write up a post about this pin I saw, "101 reasons to breastfeed"... oh my holy fucking dark lord.)

So basically, yes, I was right, I am likely to have supply problems, there are potentially some things we can do about them, but, as she said, we go in to it knowing in advance what the potential problems will be and work with them as they come up. And whatever winds up happening, winds up  happening, and if I switch to part or even all formula, hey, so long as the baby is getting enough food, we're all good.

THANK FUCK.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 35

[contents: medical, TMI, menstruation, fat hate]

Lately I have found great enjoyment from putting my hands on my belly, looking at The Man, and intoning "SOON" as creepily as possible.

Because SOON.

Nesting has returned in full force. Last Friday I was all kinds of anxious and cranky, and I decided to wash a load of baby clothes, and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE. I haven't folded them yet - that is kind of waiting for me to make the drawer organizers for the dresser - but they're CLEAN.

I also started packing my hospital bag, which also made me feel better about my life. And started packing the diaper bag with things to bring to the hospital for The Kid. Thoughts I have had include "oh, hey, this neato microfiber car seat cover, that's a good thing to stick in the bag", and "oh hey, all of these new gigantic cloth pads you just bought, those should go in your hospital bag", and "OMG YOU NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BUY SPECIAL HOSPITAL UNDERWEAR". That last one I talked myself out of.

Okay yeah, theoretically the hospital provides underwear for you for postpartum. I have read so many blogs extolling the virtues of the "mesh granny panties" from the hospital. Yeah, so, I had some right after my surgery in December, and, no. No, the standard size is not sized for fat folk like me. So while maybe the hospital I'll be delivering at has bigger ones (and I plan on asking during the hospital tour), I'm assuming hahahaha nope they won't and bringing some of my own underwear with me. All of the blogs assure me this is a TERRIBLE idea, because there will be BLOOD and LEAKING and BODILY FLUIDS all over, but uh, you know, mesh panties that don't fit me aren't going to stop it either, so maybe let's wear knickers that actually fit and use pads that are actually comfortable and fit instead of the giant monstrosities that are hospital pads (seriously. They're like a giant pillow in your crotch, except made of scratchy paper and somehow STILL not in the right place, even though they are LITERALLY AS LONG AS MY FOREARM). You know.

So I've put in some cheapie knit underwear I have but never wear, and some underwear I bought on sale at Christmas but managed to get the wrong size and then I exchanged them but managed to get the wrong cut but you know if they get ruined I won't cry, and we're going to go from there.

I've also got a pair of slippers I picked up for a mere $7 post-Christmas, since the hospital is VERY ADAMANT that I be wearing socks and/or slippers at all times "for safety and hygiene purposes". And a giant fuzzy blue robe that I got for like $20, so that when my in-laws inevitably visit us all in the hospital I can look something approaching put together. And since they weren't super expensive, if all the blogs are right and everything is going to be leaked on and ruined, it's not the end of my world.

I'm also trying not to obsess over the "coming home" outfit for The Kid. I have no idea how big they will be, and no idea if I should just bring something easy like one of those snap-up footie pajama outfits, or something more elaborate, and if I do bring something omg WHAT SIZE, and should I bring a couple sizes, and what if I'm WRONG and oh my GODS. And logically I know that it doesn't have to be the MOST PRECIOUS OUTFIT IN THE WORLD (we can save that for pictures for the baby announcements), it just has to be cute, and I can put like two different sizes in there and if, for some reason, neither of them works, OUR HOUSE IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY I CAN SEND THE MAN HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.

BUT WHAT SHOULD I PICK AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

The Man and I have also been attending baby-havin' classes. The hospital calls the course "Prepared Childbirth", but whatever, baby-havin' classes. Thankfully these are better than the infant care class we took a few weeks ago that was omfg awful (and yes, I did just mail a letter to the department enumerating the many problems with that shit... and hinting that I'd like my goddamn $55 back THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Our instructor is a little spacey sometimes, and mispronounces "centimeters", but generally pretty good. (Her pronunciation is like a mash-up of "sonogram" and "centimeters", so it sounds like "sonometers", which... yeah I don't know.) I do find it difficult sometimes to not pipe up when she's answering a question with what I've found out in the research, but mostly I bite my tongue. I don't want to be that asshole, you know?  BUT I KNOW THINGS OKAY YES I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS OKAY LOOK SERIOUSLY NO THAT CONDITION IS NOT LINKED TO THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY.

Ahem.

It is kind of nice to be around other pregnant people and talk about that shit though. And there's someone in class due on the exact same day as me, so that's fun. There's also one other kind-of fat pregnant person in the class - although I have no idea how they'd describe themselves - which is pretty awesome too. They were also the one to speak up last week when everyone was describing unmedicated vaginal birth as "natural" and call out how bullshit and stigmatizing that was, so HI FRIEND LET'S BE FRIENDS.

Shit I am Not Worried About includes labor and delivery, and how to take care of The Kid afterwards. Which damn BLANKET to bring to the hospital? MOMENTOUS ANXIETY. Labor? Wev. Delivery? Meh. Basic baby care? Yeah it's cool. Even knowing that I might have a 10-pound baby? Yeah it's fine, I know people who've birthed big babies vaginally and unmedicated, I am not concerned. This is... not the common attitude in our baby-havin' class.

Meanwhile my MIL is holding a baby shower for us in like a week and a half and she's REALLY EXCITED OKAY. She also asked "OH SO SHOULD WE HAVE YOUR MOM AND DAD SKYPE IN" and I made an executive decision NO on that one. I get that she's trying to be nice and make this wonderful, since this will be the only in-person baby shower I'm having. And that really is lovely of her. But um, it's going to be the only in-person shower because HI I HATE BABY SHOWERS, AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANY BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FOR ME. I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE CONSENTED TO THIS ONE IF I DIDN'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU WERE SUPER-SAD THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRIDAL SHOWER. I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE SOME INTERESTING EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS, THANKS. Also having my folks dialed in is not going to make anything better or less awkward for me. So like I said, executive decision, NOPE.

I am not looking forward to the baby shower.

Physically, turns out that I was right about how tired I was a week ago - that was probably my thyroid deciding to be an asshole for a week. THANKS AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. My hips are also doing marginally better this week, although it is still the world's biggest production to move around in bed. I also added a waterproof, absorbs-up-to-five-cups-of-fluid pad to my side of the bed under the sheets. Just in case. Except that it totally has a plastic back, so that shit does not breathe, and it moves around with and under the sheets, which is also less fun. So when I wake up, inevitably in four hours or less, my hip and leg I'm laying on are not only sore, but slightly sticky from laying on something with a plastic back. So far, I am convinced this is a better plan than my water breaking in bed and ruining our memory foam topper and mattress. We'll see how long that lasts.

My belly is still getting bigger. OMG SO MUCH BELLY. My bellybutton has not popped, as I was told that NO REALLY EVERYONE'S DOES, but it has gotten... flatter. Like, it's normally pretty deep, and in kind of a crease in my belly, and as that crease has flattened out so has my belly button. It's weird and feels weird when I touch it.

The Kid also seems to be doing fine. There are few kicks, and more... burbling. Like, there's movement, and my belly moves, and ugh super weird, but it's... not as violent. JUST EXTREMELY CREEPY. Like as I was typing this paragraph I looked down and was watching The Kid move my belly. SO WEIRD. SO. INCREDIBLY. WEIRD. Also there is still a foot wedged up under my ribs and OW.

Today's midwife appointment also went well, I gained 2 more pounds so I am a whopping FOUR POUNDS over my starting weight now YEAHHHHHH. I am happier about this than any of my care providers. So if that's going to be the case, I might find a new practice for next time. But no swelling, blood pressure looks great, blah blah blah oh shit you mean the fat lady is still having a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy at this point THE HELL YOU SAY.

No but seriously BELLY EVERWHERE.

REAL THINGS IN THE WORLD

[Contents: unsafe baby products, including those that have caused infant deaths]

So because I'm having a baby at some point WITHIN LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF JESUS FUCK, I have spent a lot of time doing things like browsing Pinterest in the "kids" category and entering baby- and kid-related giveaways. There's a lot of neato shit out there!

This post is not about the really neato, clever shit, some of which has made it on to my own baby registry.

This post is about the WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ARE YOU SERIOUS shit, the shit you look at and go "right so science, have you met it?" or "I would have to pay how much more for the word "baby" in the product name?" That shit. I'm not even going to get in to the THOUSAND DOLLAR STROLLERS out there, or even the $450 stroller my downstairs neighbors have parked in the vestibule, because really, why would I ever want or need to keep my stroller down there too, I mean, it's not like I live on the second floor or anything and wouldn't want to haul shit up and down the stairs if I didn't have to, ps the vestibule IS NOT PART OF YOUR APARTMENT, NEIGHBORS.

Ahem.

1. The $30 crib sheet. Thirty blessed US dollars EACH for one of these 100% cotton crib sheets. The sheet does not change itself, it does not repel poop, pee, or spit-up, it's not even organic cotton (those cost EVEN MORE). It's just a 100% cotton sheet from what I am led to believe is White People's favorite new baby brand, Aden + Anais (do not even get me started on their "muslin swaddle blankets" that are actually cotton gauze, or basically anything they make, because it is all a giant motherfucking rip-off. Because White People). Look. I don't have a problem with 100% cotton sheets - the ones I'm making for The Kid are 100% cotton - but THIRTY. DOLLARS. THIRTY. THIRTY DOLLARS. I COULD BUY THE FANCIEST COTTON YARDAGE I COULD FIND AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. I COULD GET CUSTOM COTTON YARDAGE FROM SPOONFLOWER TO MAKE MY OWN SHEETS AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. HOLY SHIT.


2. The $80 blender with a damn smiley face on it. Oh my gods, if I see "OMG YOU HAVE TO GET A BABY BULLET" in one more article, I am going to screeeeeeaaaammmmm. Has anyone been able to explain to me what exactly the Baby Bullet does that my regular blender doesn't? No. Has anyone been able to explain to me why I can't just get a set of silicone ice cube trays to freeze baby food instead of using the special trays the Baby Bullet comes with? No. BUT IT'S FOR BABIES seems to be the thing about this. That and the smiley face. THE CREEPY SMILEY FACE.


3. The $25 or more teething solution. That link is just one of the many places that will gladly take VERY MANY OF YOUR DOLLARS to give you "genuine Baltic amber" teething necklaces for your baby. It's apparently VITALLY IMPORTANT that it be "Baltic amber", because if it were I dunno, "Nigerian Amber" it wouldn't work? Supposedly there's compounds in the amber that soothe inflamed gums and *handwaving* and *sparkles* and OMG NO MORE TEETHING PAIN. This is one of those "right, so science?" products. Also can we talk about how these are a giant choking and strangulation hazard? No? Okay, cool.


4. The $109 "radiation-shielding" blanket. Okay, there's a $69 version too. And t-shirts. And $59 belly bands. All to shield your PRECIOUS PRECIOUS UTERUS AND ITS CARGO from "ambient radiation". Like from your wireless phone or laptop. It has SILVER IN IT YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY IT WORKS. AND OBVIOUSLY RADIATION IS A PROBLEM BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY BABIES BEING BORN WITH RADIATION POISONING FROM CELL PHONES wait no there aren't. I talked about this on Twitter, but I am tempted to write the company to straight troll them and ask "But what if I'm, say, at the cafe, and have my blanket with me, but the seat back is open and someone BEHIND me has a cell phone or laptop? WHAT ABOUT THE RADIATION THAT CAN ENTER THROUGH MY BACK?" SHHHH SCIENCE HAS NO PLACE HERE.


5. The $200 wireless video baby monitor FOR YOUR CAR. You can't text and drive, you can't even talk on your phone and drive in some places, but a creepy-ass camera and video monitor you put on your windshield? I'M SURE THERE WILL BE NO PROBLEMS WITH DISTRACTION THERE. Am I the only person in the world who a, realizes that it's okay if the baby cries for five minutes until you b, pull the fuck over? And that if you don't put extraneous crap in the car seat with them, they won't get in to any crap?


6. The $395 all-natural TEXTURED CRIB MATTRESS. All-natural, "non-toxic" etc. and so on crib mattresses are getting wildly popular anyway, but this just takes it to the next level. What. Is. The. Point. Of. The. Pebbles. WHAT IS THE POINT. WHAT IS THE POINT. DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ANSWER THAT IS BASED IN ACTUAL SCIENCE AND/OR FACTS PLEASE.


7. The $349 crib canopy. Look can we just have a talk about how shit hanging up above the baby's crib is a giant fucking hazard? Like, you're an adult, you want a giant ass canopy hanging above your bed, FINE. Even for a child. You know, a child that can MOVE ON THEIR OWN and can FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF A SACK. Things that INFANTS CANNOT DO. You're not even supposed to put blankets or bumpers in the crib with the baby, so why would you hang a giant, heavy swath of fabric above the crib that is just WAITING to fall IN to the crib? And I have some epic side-eye for all your Pinterest folks dreaming about CHANDELIERS or GIANT FRAMED ARTWORK or HEAVY WOODEN SHELVES hanging above your baby's crib, too.


8. The $182 baby towel set. I find "baby" towels kind of a rip-off anyway, because while yes, I do enjoy super-soft towels and assume that my child will too, uh, a standard bath towel is more than big enough to wrap the baby in after a bath, so why exactly wouldn't I just get some on sale with a coupon somewhere? These towels take that to the next level. OH BUT THEY ARE CUTE COLORS AND HAVE THE ALPHABET ON THEM look my child does not need reminding of the alphabet at every moment of every day. They're going to learn it at some point, even if it's NOT on their GODDAMN TOWELS.


9. The $70 baby bean bag napper. Actually, any sort of "baby napper" or "lounger". Because one, why? What does this do that the crib, bassinet, bouncer, swing, or car seat does not do when it comes to naps? Is it really easier to put your baby to sleep in this, that HAS to be on the floor for safety, than it is to put them in the crib? Can we also talk about how the bean bag is a giant suffocation hazard? Can we also talk about how the super-popular "Nap Nanny" that I keep seeing pinned on Pinterest has been completely recalled and it's illegal to sell or even bring them in to the US because babies DIED in them?


10.  The $40 or more perfume for your baby. That link goes to an article rounding up the top ten, TEN, fragrances meant to be used on babies and children in 2010. MORE HAVE COME OUT SINCE THEN. Why. Why does my baby need motherfucking PERFUME. WHY.

Please feel free to share additional wtfery and horror in comments.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 33

[Contents: medical, TMI, weight discussion, fat hate]

Wait, 33? Is it really 33 weeks?

This whole time I have had no trouble knowing exactly how many weeks and days along I am, and now I'm just like SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT RARRR LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

But I can tell you that in just under three weeks, I get to stop the progesterone. I picked up my last refill of that the other day. And in just under four weeks I get the cerclage taken out. At my OB appointment this week I definitely had my doctor WAY UP IN MY BITS THANK YOU to check on cervical position and cerclage status. Apparently everything feels good and we should have no trouble just taking the cerclage out in the office at 37 weeks.

After that comes out, who knows what'll happen. When she put it in, my MFM specialist warned me that some people get it taken out and basically proceed directly to hospital for baby-birthin' time without passing go, some people go home and don't start labor until like 41 weeks. Like many things with pregnancy, IT IS A MYSTERY.

I'm getting kind of ready to be done though.

I mean, I don't want the kid showing up until April. PLEASE, DARK LORD, NO. But while I certainly chose to get pregnant, and I do not in any way regret this choice, fucking a this shit is getting old. I'm kind of over the tireds. I'm kind of over the painful hips. I'm kind of over the nausea OH YES IT'S BACK, I'm way over nothing in the way of food or drink sounding or tasting particularly good, I'm so far fucking over the hormonal bullshit, I'm getting over the times that The Kid makes me even MORE nauseated as they burble around in there, I cannot wait to be able to stop taking the prenatal vitamins that make me gag more often than not STILL, I'm JUST ABOUT DONE.

Conveniently, I am just about done, but, you know.

 Also about halfway through writing this I had to stop and eat dinner, and it dawned on me "HEY MAYBE THIS IS YOUR THYROID" and it actually probably is. While unrelenting tired, appetite problems, and mood swings are all pregnancy symptoms and are the short summary of this past week, cold spots on my thighs and ass are not - those are definitely my thyroid. So is the brain fog. YAY AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE yes I have emailed my doctor and I have lab orders to check shit already.

Meanwhile, I have gained weight (although now that I know my thyroid swung a bit I wonder how much is that HA HA GOOD TIMES) and am FINALLY above my starting weight. Barely. If I am doing the math right, I did gain more than the "recommended" pound per week, and I'm sure if my blood pressure weren't fucking terrific my doctors would be freaking out, but that shit is the lowest it's been at any point during this pregnancy for the past two weeks. Instead I got "oh your weight looks okay" - not "we're happy with your weight" any more, I NOTE.

Plus I have literally no swelling. Seriously, none. I'm trying really hard to not get a bad case of the smugs about it. At my appointment this week my OB complimented me "Oh how smart you got a pretty chain to put [your wedding ring] on", because the necklace I was wearing has a pretty silver circular pendant with a small diamond in it. So I held up my left hand with my wedding ring on it and waggled it and said "Oh no, I'm still wearing it". She was surprised. The damn thing is LOOSE on me. Like it spins gleefully around my finger all damn day when I wear it. Trying and mostly failing to not have the smugs.

Also at my appointment this week, I brought up "hey by the way I have thyroid disease and while I do plan on trying to breastfeed, there's not a lot of good information out there about it, do y'all have anything?" and apparently they have a lactation consultant on staff who may have some stuff. So my OB is giving her a heads up so she can do some additional research and I have an appointment with her later this month.

I'm sure my insurance will try to charge me a co-pay for that visit, even though according to the ACA they're not allowed to any more. They definitely charged me a co-pay for when I got tested for a UTI, so I get to fight with them about that. My insurance company also does not have my plan's summary of benefits and coverage available on their subscriber portal - those are required to be available to me by law. They also charged me a whole fuckton of money for my cerclage, for each of the ultrasounds I got, keep trying to charge me co-pays for pre-natal visits... basically, they are terrible and I am super-sick of having to fight them on everything. I can't even get an answer from them about whether I'm supposed to "pre-certify" for my hospital baby delivery, which I need to know for the hospital paperwork that I really need to send in ASAP. So that's fun.

In more annoying shit The Man and I started taking childbirth classes this week, starting with "Infant Care". If you look at the outline on the website, this class is supposed to be 2.5 hours all about "oh shit now I have the kid home WHAT DO I DO". So covering feeding, bathing, clothes, car seats, sleeping, etc. and so on. I know this shit, because I've literally been through it with a sister who is nearly 13 years younger than me, with all of the babies I've cared for over the years, etc. and so on, so I was like wev about it. But The Man has literally zero childcare experience, so we thought it would be a good idea to learn some of this from a neutral, non-hormonal third party.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH which, that was a good plan, if that were what the class had actually been. I ranted about this on Twitter for a while on Sunday, but basically, our instructor was terrible and kept talking about shit the nurses do in the hospital, there was less than half an hour of hands-on practice (which only covered bathing and changing a diaper), she covered approximately none of the stuff in the packets we were given (which was all of the stuff we were led to believe the class would be about), talked way too fast, went fifteen minutes over, did not give us evaluations to fill out, and the class was in a room that you HAD TO USE STAIRS TO GET IN TO. So I'm writing a very long letter to the department overseeing this about all of THAT. It was a waste of our $55 and a waste of our Sunday afternoon.

This Sunday starts our actual "SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY" classes, that cover birthing techniques, the hospital tour, all that happy crap. Hopefully it's significantly better.

Finally, do y'all even see my belly? I mean holy shit. Also it is definitely starting to move lower. And while it's not clear in the picture, my waist has been getting... flatter. Like, I used to have a really deep crease right through my belly button dividing my belly, and that's flattening out. Also The Kid has pretty consistently been head-down these past few weeks. I have a foot wedged up under my rib cage on my right side. SO PLEASANT, THANK YOU CHILD.

HELP MY HIPS ARE KILLING ME

[Content: TMI, medical]

So lately it seems like every other pregnant person I talk to here on these internets is having the same problem I am - namely, pelvic girdle pain, or symphysis pubis dysfunction. Their hips ache, they are having trouble walking, pain radiates down their thighs, their pubic joint aches (mine actually cracks), etc. and so on. That link above has some more detailed examples of symptoms.

Basically, it blows, and it can significantly reduce your mobility and quality of life. OH FRIENDS, DO I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

So I know I've talked about mine before, and some of what I do for it, but it's in a few different blog posts and I wanted to have just one that had everything in it. It's easier to find, and it's easier than sending eleventeen tweets to anyone on Twitter who asks about it, you know? Plus I can go in to more detail. Blog posts are also a lot less ephemeral than Twitter.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. All I can share is things I personally do for this condition and that I find helpful, which I have found through years of doing physical therapy and experimentation. I cannot guarantee you will find them helpful. If any of these things causes bad things, such as an increase in your pain, contractions of any sort, or injury, please, please don't do them. Please listen to your body.

Things I find helpful

1. Lay on your side with a pillow between your legs. Because I have a history of lower back problems, this is something I've been doing for years anyway. I have a specific pillow that is my leg pillow for when I sleep. However, I find as my pregnancy progresses, that pillow is a little too thin to do much good when my pelvis is really bad. I like using it when I'm actually sleeping, because it's a standard sized pillow and fits between my legs from hips to ankles, but it's not sufficient to really start relieving any pain I'm having.
   
   So my advice is this: lay on your side, knees slightly bent, keeping your hips as straight and aligned as possible. And experiment with pillows. Don't be afraid to put a fat, firm pillow between your legs. My personal favorite right now is the Snoogle Mini, and that sucker is firm and like eight inches thick. Experiment with placement, as well. I find that the Snoogle helps most when it's between my thighs and pretty close to my pelvis (bonus: I can put the rest of it under my belly and boobs which feels nice). When I get it in the right place, I can feel my lower back, pelvis, and hip joints slowly stretch out and work themselves back more or less in to place. It's sometimes disconcerting and almost achy, but not painful. If it's painful, stop. I usually lay with the Snoogle for about an hour total before I go to sleep, half an hour on each side, then when I'm ready to go to sleep I switch to my usual leg pillow. Do what works for you.


2.  Leg rocks. So if you're like me, rolling over in bed can easily turn in to a five minute ordeal. Often I have a few minutes where I just have to stop, breathe, and lay on my back before I can continue to my other side. I know they say OMG DON'T LAY ON YOUR BACK DURING PREGNANCY, but for most people, for a few minutes, it's fine (after all, you probably do it at EVERY OB OR MIDWIFE APPOINTMENT). When you're in this position, you can do what my last physical therapist called "rocking the baby", which now that I'm pregnant is entirely too relevant to my life.
   
   Here's how you do it. While laying on your back, bend your knees, keeping your legs together. Gently rock just your legs from side to side. Imagine that there is a baby balanced on your knees, and you are rocking it to sleep. Don't rock your legs faster or farther than you would if there were a baby up there. It's important to keep your spine flat on your bed - don't let your hips lift up as your move your legs. What this does is gently rotates your hip joints which can alleviate pain and help work them back in to place. This can also be helpful if you have sciatica - try doing it before you get out of bed in the morning for a few minutes, or any time the sciatica flares up.
   
   
3.  Pelvic tilts. Now we start getting in to the nitty-gritty. One of the most helpful things you can do to help stabilize your pelvis is to strengthen your abdominal muscles (belly!), your glutes (YOUR ASS), and your PC muscles (the ones Kegels are targeted at). These muscles are what surround your pelvis and lower back, and you can use them to not only stabilize these areas, but to some extent, correct and compensate for loose joints and ligaments (aka WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU NOW YAY THANKS PREGNANCY).
   
   Here is an excellent primer on how to do these, both while laying on your back, or while standing against a wall. Personally, I prefer the standing version right now, although last time I was in PT for my back, I did the laying version, and I can attest that both work. This gives a gentle stretch to your lower back, as well as works on strengthening your abdominal muscles. The trick to these, which is not in the tutorial, is that you want to tighten your abdominals (and to some extent, your PC muscles and glutes) to gently press your lower spine either in to the bed or the wall. You don't need a very large movement - the tutorial has a gif that illustrates just how little you need to move.
   
   Right now, I do five of these per day, and I hold each for five seconds. Again, not a medical professional, but that is a decent starting point to try. When I was doing this for my back in PT, I worked up to two to three sets of ten per day, holding each for at least ten seconds. Please, please, listen to your body and don't rush them. It honestly does not take much, I have found, to provide relief.
   
   
4. Kegels. I know they tell those of us with vaginas to do these anyway, but here's why: as I outlined above, the PC muscles that you exercise with these help support your pelvis and lower back. These muscles can be used to compensate for the bullshit your pelvis is pulling.
   
   Here is a good tutorial on how to do these, including how to identify which muscles you actually want. What I would add is what my last PT told me. You can do two variations on these - and basically do them whenever you think of them. Variation one is "quick" Kegels: contract the muscles, hold for one second, release for one second, and repeat, ten to twenty times in a row. Variation two is closer to what's in the tutorial: contract, hold for ten seconds, release. Repeat in sets of ten to twenty.


5. Lateral pelvic shift correction. Because of my existing back problems, the non-technical term for this is that I tend to stand and sit crooked. If you look at my spine, often it seems to be running on a diagonal. My right hip tends to jut out past my right shoulder, which brings my left hip more under my neck than my left shoulder. This also leads to further lower back and pelvic pain and instability. To check to see if the same thing is happening to you, stand up and look in a mirror. Are your hips both directly below their matching shoulders? If so, then you don't have this. If one hip looks higher than the other (you can check by putting a hand on each hip bone), then maybe you do (this is often the most noticeable symptom for me - my right hip looks about three inches higher than the left when it's bad - and it can be pretty bad right now). A physical therapist can also diagnose this (which is how I know I have it).
   
   This YouTube video describes how to do these. For those that can't do the video, what you are doing is using the wall as a straight surface to align your spine and hips. Since it's my right hip that juts out, I place my left side against the wall - if your left hip jutted out, you would place your right side against the wall. Bend your elbow on the wall side, keeping it tucked in close to your body. Place your wall shoulder and elbow against the wall. Your outside leg should be straight but leaning, about a foot or two away from the wall. Your inside leg moves to be next to your outside leg. Gently use your abdominal, PC, and glute muscles to shift your inside hip so that it is pressed against the wall, in line with your shoulder. Go SLOWLY. You can also place a hand on your outside hip to help press. Once your inside hip is aligned, hold for 2-5 seconds using your abs, glutes, and PC muscles, then take your inside leg, step against the wall, and stand up straight. Currently, I do a set of five of these per day, holding each for five seconds.
   


6.  Posture. So in the last few items, I've been talking about the three major muscle groups that stabilize your hips and lower spine - your abdominal muscles, your glutes (aka the muscles in your ass), and your PC muscles (the ones you do Kegels with). But you don't just use them during the PT exercises I've outlined above. You use them when you're sitting, standing or walking as well.
   
   What you want to do is tighten each of these muscle groups in order to help maintain good posture - upright back, not crooked, not slumping or slouching, hips aligned, keep your legs close together, etc. You don't need to tighten them MUCH - I found that my pain increased if I tightened too much. And you will have to experiment to see how much each group has to be kept tight. If you're not used to doing it, you might not be able to do it all the time, and that's fine. But keep practicing. It gets easier with the exercises and with practice. If you can keep your posture as good as possible while sitting, standing, and walking, it really does help relieve the pain. Also, I understand that if your pelvis is really bad, you might not be able to stand up straight at first - I usually can't right when I get out of bed. Do the best you can, and improve when possible.
   
   
7. Keep moving. Yeah, I know, probably the last thing you want to do when it fucking hurts to move. But, if you stay in one position too long, that gives your joints a chance to lock up in that position, making any changes that much more painful. So if you've been laying for a while, sit up for a bit. If you've been sitting for a while, get up and walk around for a few minutes. If you've been standing for a while, gently sway back and forth (just like if you were trying to soothe a baby) or for you ballroom dancers out there, practice what your instructor calls "Cuban motion" (video), that you use in rhythm/Latin dances. Don't lock your knees. If you have a bad back, they say switch positions every fifteen minutes, and that's a great ideal. Me, I'm fucking tired, so often it's like every hour I change. But change positions.
   
   I find right now with walking, especially if I'm up and walking after laying down, the first step is the most painful. My joints are locked, my muscles are complaining, it's awful. The next half dozen aren't so grand either. But after that, I start to feel my joints shifting back in to place and my stride becomes much easier and less painful. Give your body the chance to do that - and again, remember your posture. Fix it when you can.
   
   
8. Stop fucking moving. Yeah I know I just told you to move. But you're only going to have so much moving in a day. Your body currently has limits on what it can do, which, especially if you've never really had limits like this before, can be difficult and intensely frustrating (but let's not kid ourselves: I've had limits on body movement for years and I still get intensely pissed about it. Your feels, whatever they are, are okay). Please trust that when I tell you that respecting those limits is a way better idea than fighting them, because I have learned the hard way, many, many times. To give you an idea, right now, one of my limits is with stairs. If we count going either up or down a flight of stairs (so 10-15 steps, yeah?) as one trip, I get four trips per day. That's it. If I go beyond that, I pay, oh my sweet dark lord, do I pay, often the same evening.
   
   There's also only so much walking, standing, and sitting I can do in a day. So, if I know like today, I have an OB appointment (requires 2 stair trips to get out of my house, requires getting in and out of the car, requires sitting in the car, sitting in the waiting room, sitting in the exam room, requires some walking), then I know that I probably won't be able to stand long enough to make dinner that night, so I either throw something in the slow cooker or plan on delivery or plan on an easy dinner that The Man is capable of cooking on his own.
   
   If you can, build in days where you don't have to do anything. I realize this is easier for me because I do not work full-time and therefore do not have to leave the house every day. But, if you have three, four, five days in a row where you have to be up and get shit done, try to give yourself at least one day where you DON'T. Sleep late, take a super long warm shower, don't do any damn laundry, nothing. Again, I know it's not always practical, but try to give yourself as much of a break as possible. And please feel zero shame about asking your partner, spouse, best friend, neighbor, old enough kids, whoever, to help get shit done. You have limits. It blows. But you have them. Even if you can go, say, do a load of dishes, then lay down or sit with your feet up for fifteen minutes after (and drink a glass of water) before you have to do the next thing, it helps. I now have a chair in my apartment's kitchen for exactly this purpose.
   
   
9. Heat, cold, pressure. I am a huge fan of hot showers, and just letting the hot water beat on my lower back to start the day. It loosens shit up (I know, I know) and eases some of the achiness that can set in overnight.
   
   I am also a huge fan of icing the joints that have just gotten a huge workout after I'm done. Sometimes, a cold pack on your hip joint or pubic joint or lower back can work wonders to soothe it after you've asked a lot of it. Some people prefer either heat or cold - whichever works for you and provides the most relief.
   
   Finally, a little massage helps too. I really like to have The Man provide some pretty strong pressure to either side of my spine, just above my pelvis, at the end of the night when I'm laying in bed. You might like to have your hips rubbed. Whatever - try it out. If a spot is achy and sore, try a little massage. It doesn't have to be fancy.
   

These are what I am doing on a regular basis. Again, I can get significant relief, if not to pain-free, doing this. This is not everything that can be done. For example, here is a PDF (I know - but search for "pelvic stabilization exercises") with some additional exercises. I personally have done the "Clam" exercises, as well as the "Double Leg Bridge" exercises with my lower back, and they're awesome. Sitting on an exercise ball can also be helpful. While sitting on it, you can also gently shift your hips from side to side. You can also sit up straight on it and gently, gently twist your upper body from side to side, while keeping your hips and legs still.

Also, if you are in a lot of pain and can access and afford it, a good physical therapist can provide so much help. They can provide additional exercises, make sure you're doing them correctly, and help figure out exactly what's wrong to fix it. I absolutely credit the PTs I have worked with in the past with the fact that I largely live my life pain-free, even with the severe disk herniations I have lived through.

If any of these aren't clear, please let me know and I'm happy to provide more details. And again, not a medical professional, listen to your body, etc. All I can tell you is things I personally do that help. And sympathize with your pain, because OH MY GOD DID I MENTION THAT I FEEL YOUR PAIN.