REAL THINGS IN THE WORLD

[Contents: unsafe baby products, including those that have caused infant deaths]

So because I'm having a baby at some point WITHIN LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF JESUS FUCK, I have spent a lot of time doing things like browsing Pinterest in the "kids" category and entering baby- and kid-related giveaways. There's a lot of neato shit out there!

This post is not about the really neato, clever shit, some of which has made it on to my own baby registry.

This post is about the WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ARE YOU SERIOUS shit, the shit you look at and go "right so science, have you met it?" or "I would have to pay how much more for the word "baby" in the product name?" That shit. I'm not even going to get in to the THOUSAND DOLLAR STROLLERS out there, or even the $450 stroller my downstairs neighbors have parked in the vestibule, because really, why would I ever want or need to keep my stroller down there too, I mean, it's not like I live on the second floor or anything and wouldn't want to haul shit up and down the stairs if I didn't have to, ps the vestibule IS NOT PART OF YOUR APARTMENT, NEIGHBORS.

Ahem.

1. The $30 crib sheet. Thirty blessed US dollars EACH for one of these 100% cotton crib sheets. The sheet does not change itself, it does not repel poop, pee, or spit-up, it's not even organic cotton (those cost EVEN MORE). It's just a 100% cotton sheet from what I am led to believe is White People's favorite new baby brand, Aden + Anais (do not even get me started on their "muslin swaddle blankets" that are actually cotton gauze, or basically anything they make, because it is all a giant motherfucking rip-off. Because White People). Look. I don't have a problem with 100% cotton sheets - the ones I'm making for The Kid are 100% cotton - but THIRTY. DOLLARS. THIRTY. THIRTY DOLLARS. I COULD BUY THE FANCIEST COTTON YARDAGE I COULD FIND AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. I COULD GET CUSTOM COTTON YARDAGE FROM SPOONFLOWER TO MAKE MY OWN SHEETS AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. HOLY SHIT.


2. The $80 blender with a damn smiley face on it. Oh my gods, if I see "OMG YOU HAVE TO GET A BABY BULLET" in one more article, I am going to screeeeeeaaaammmmm. Has anyone been able to explain to me what exactly the Baby Bullet does that my regular blender doesn't? No. Has anyone been able to explain to me why I can't just get a set of silicone ice cube trays to freeze baby food instead of using the special trays the Baby Bullet comes with? No. BUT IT'S FOR BABIES seems to be the thing about this. That and the smiley face. THE CREEPY SMILEY FACE.


3. The $25 or more teething solution. That link is just one of the many places that will gladly take VERY MANY OF YOUR DOLLARS to give you "genuine Baltic amber" teething necklaces for your baby. It's apparently VITALLY IMPORTANT that it be "Baltic amber", because if it were I dunno, "Nigerian Amber" it wouldn't work? Supposedly there's compounds in the amber that soothe inflamed gums and *handwaving* and *sparkles* and OMG NO MORE TEETHING PAIN. This is one of those "right, so science?" products. Also can we talk about how these are a giant choking and strangulation hazard? No? Okay, cool.


4. The $109 "radiation-shielding" blanket. Okay, there's a $69 version too. And t-shirts. And $59 belly bands. All to shield your PRECIOUS PRECIOUS UTERUS AND ITS CARGO from "ambient radiation". Like from your wireless phone or laptop. It has SILVER IN IT YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY IT WORKS. AND OBVIOUSLY RADIATION IS A PROBLEM BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY BABIES BEING BORN WITH RADIATION POISONING FROM CELL PHONES wait no there aren't. I talked about this on Twitter, but I am tempted to write the company to straight troll them and ask "But what if I'm, say, at the cafe, and have my blanket with me, but the seat back is open and someone BEHIND me has a cell phone or laptop? WHAT ABOUT THE RADIATION THAT CAN ENTER THROUGH MY BACK?" SHHHH SCIENCE HAS NO PLACE HERE.


5. The $200 wireless video baby monitor FOR YOUR CAR. You can't text and drive, you can't even talk on your phone and drive in some places, but a creepy-ass camera and video monitor you put on your windshield? I'M SURE THERE WILL BE NO PROBLEMS WITH DISTRACTION THERE. Am I the only person in the world who a, realizes that it's okay if the baby cries for five minutes until you b, pull the fuck over? And that if you don't put extraneous crap in the car seat with them, they won't get in to any crap?


6. The $395 all-natural TEXTURED CRIB MATTRESS. All-natural, "non-toxic" etc. and so on crib mattresses are getting wildly popular anyway, but this just takes it to the next level. What. Is. The. Point. Of. The. Pebbles. WHAT IS THE POINT. WHAT IS THE POINT. DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ANSWER THAT IS BASED IN ACTUAL SCIENCE AND/OR FACTS PLEASE.


7. The $349 crib canopy. Look can we just have a talk about how shit hanging up above the baby's crib is a giant fucking hazard? Like, you're an adult, you want a giant ass canopy hanging above your bed, FINE. Even for a child. You know, a child that can MOVE ON THEIR OWN and can FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF A SACK. Things that INFANTS CANNOT DO. You're not even supposed to put blankets or bumpers in the crib with the baby, so why would you hang a giant, heavy swath of fabric above the crib that is just WAITING to fall IN to the crib? And I have some epic side-eye for all your Pinterest folks dreaming about CHANDELIERS or GIANT FRAMED ARTWORK or HEAVY WOODEN SHELVES hanging above your baby's crib, too.


8. The $182 baby towel set. I find "baby" towels kind of a rip-off anyway, because while yes, I do enjoy super-soft towels and assume that my child will too, uh, a standard bath towel is more than big enough to wrap the baby in after a bath, so why exactly wouldn't I just get some on sale with a coupon somewhere? These towels take that to the next level. OH BUT THEY ARE CUTE COLORS AND HAVE THE ALPHABET ON THEM look my child does not need reminding of the alphabet at every moment of every day. They're going to learn it at some point, even if it's NOT on their GODDAMN TOWELS.


9. The $70 baby bean bag napper. Actually, any sort of "baby napper" or "lounger". Because one, why? What does this do that the crib, bassinet, bouncer, swing, or car seat does not do when it comes to naps? Is it really easier to put your baby to sleep in this, that HAS to be on the floor for safety, than it is to put them in the crib? Can we also talk about how the bean bag is a giant suffocation hazard? Can we also talk about how the super-popular "Nap Nanny" that I keep seeing pinned on Pinterest has been completely recalled and it's illegal to sell or even bring them in to the US because babies DIED in them?


10.  The $40 or more perfume for your baby. That link goes to an article rounding up the top ten, TEN, fragrances meant to be used on babies and children in 2010. MORE HAVE COME OUT SINCE THEN. Why. Why does my baby need motherfucking PERFUME. WHY.

Please feel free to share additional wtfery and horror in comments.