[Contents: medical, tmi, weight, mention of previous miscarriage]
WHY AM I STILL PREGNANT
Okay before I go any further, let me make a few things clear: one, I am so not looking for advice, so please miss me with that. Two, I really, really do not want anyone saying to me "oh but first babies are almost always late", "most pregnancies go past their due date", "only x% of babies arrive on their due date", or any variation thereof.
Partly because I know all of the statistics already, thanks, and partly because THIS WAS IN NO WAY WHAT I WAS LED TO BELIEVE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
"Oh well ha ha no one can predi-" SHUT. THE. ENTIRE. FUCK. UP.
If you've been reading for a while, you know that I have (had? maybe at this point "had" is more appropriate) a number of risk factors for pre-term birth, including thyroid disease, a history of spontaneous miscarriage, vaginal bleeding during pregnancy, a short cervix (including having an emergency cerclage put in), low pregnancy weight gain, and anti-thyroid antibodies. Basically, every single care provider I have seen at this point is extremely shocked that I made it to 38 weeks, NEVER EVEN MIND THAT I AM PAST 40 WEEKS NOW.
For anyone who would like to spout some "oh but your dates are probably off tee hee" shit, no, they're not. I know the exact date I fucking ovulated, which was confirmed by a very early ultrasound, so fuck off. While I do think that the method most often used to date a pregnancy, Naegele's Rule, does play a role in the fact that more pregnancies go past 40 weeks than not, that was not the method used to date my pregnancy.
Even more fun: for pregnant folks with ultrasound-indicated cerclages (LIKE MINE), on average they deliver about 2 weeks after cerclage removal. (This is a PDF of one of the studies looking at this sort of thing. I have not been able to find a non-PDF source yet, but if I do, I'll add it.) So mean delivery time is just under 14 days after cerclage removal, plus or minus 10 days. Tomorrow will be that "plus 10 days" point for me. I had my cerclage out over three weeks ago.
There is still no sign that I will be delivering this kid any time soon. Oh sure, I've been having contractions off and on since two days after the cerclage removal. Bloody show? Check; that was three weeks ago too. On multiple occasions, I have had contractions 10 minutes apart for an hour, even 5 minutes apart for an hour. I've had contractions that have made me stop what I was doing, or made me lean against the wall, take deep breaths, actually say "fuck, ow". Before anyone tries to lecture me "Oh well Braxton-Hicks can be painful", if they were Braxton-Hicks, I'd kind of expect them to stop when I laid down and drank a couple glasses of water, which is NOT WHAT HAPPENS, so you can also shut the entire fuck up. I was 2 cm dilated THREE POINT FIVE WEEKS AGO, and 50% effaced. The Kid was at -2 engagement (translation: head dropped in to my pelvis, but not quite all the way.) As of Wednesday, THAT HAS NOT CHANGED.
Sunday, we thought maybe something was happening. From Sunday in to Monday, I had contractions about half an hour apart for OVER 24 HOURS. Monday afternoon, they stopped for a bit, then came back 10 minutes apart. We thought for sure that would be it, especially since we live in Boston, Monday was the Boston Marathon, and getting anywhere on Marathon Monday is THE biggest pain in the ass. Then the contractions stopped.
Tuesday I didn't have much, except that all of a sudden, huh, wow, some sort of watery vaginal discharge where there wasn't before! Could this be amniotic fluid? MAYBE. So I watch and wait and yeah, five hours later, still slowly leaking a bit, so I call my doctor's office. I wouldn't have cared, except that I am Group B Strep positive, which, long story short, means if my water breaks, I need to proceed directly to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Regardless of when my water breaks - which, it's more likely to break in active labor than beforehand, but wev - I need to receive antibiotics every four hours during active labor, and ideally I'd have at least 2 doses before The Kid arrives.) So I call. And I'm like, I'm not sure, but it's enough of a change and I know that if it is amniotic fluid, we need to take steps, and the OB on call agreed, so about 11:45 Tuesday night we headed to the hospital.
No, I did not post anything on Twitter about it, no we did not call our parents, because fuck if I'm getting everyone excited for something just as likely to be a false alarm.
Which it was.
We get to the hospital, they hook me up to the monitors, The Kid kicks the monitors, they test to see if it's amniotic fluid, it's not, thankfully neither the nurse nor the midwife gave me much of that condescending "oh it's your first pregnancy you clearly don't know what's going on" shit or else someone would have died, we got sent home.
Yesterday, I'm in the shower, and holy shit, here I am leaning against the wall because OW. Every seven minutes, OW. I start thinking about calling The Man and saying hey, maybe you should think about leaving work. I ponder this for about ten minutes, during which point the contractions stop. I get up, walk around, fold some laundry, eat some beans and rice, hahahahah NOPE we're done for the day.
I consider shanking some motherfuckers. Which, honestly, my interests right now are first and foremost, HAVING A DAMN KID ALREADY JEEBUS, sleeping, eating (mostly beans and rice, because oh my fucking god beans and rice is so delicious), and SHANKING MOTHERFUCKERS.
Meanwhile my pelvis is still a floppy, relaxin-fucked mess, I have weird stretch marks all over my belly, my belly dropped OH RIGHT LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO ALREADY, I have not been able to find new bras (which I made the mistake of tweeting about... I'm totally shocked the random person on Twitter who insisted no no, they totally make stretchy multiple-cup sized bras in your size hasn't gotten back to me yet... BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES THOSE IN MY SIZE IT'S LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING), thank fuck I still have pants and shirts that fit, I'm getting sick of packing my meds and glasses and chargers and shit every time I leave the house, and if one more person asks me "still pregnant?" or any variation thereof, I will be announcing The Kid's arrival AT LEAST A MONTH AFTERWARDS YOU CAN ALL JUST GO SCREW.
Showing posts with label PGP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PGP. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
HELP MY HIPS ARE KILLING ME
[Content: TMI, medical]
So lately it seems like every other pregnant person I talk to here on these internets is having the same problem I am - namely, pelvic girdle pain, or symphysis pubis dysfunction. Their hips ache, they are having trouble walking, pain radiates down their thighs, their pubic joint aches (mine actually cracks), etc. and so on. That link above has some more detailed examples of symptoms.
Basically, it blows, and it can significantly reduce your mobility and quality of life. OH FRIENDS, DO I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
So I know I've talked about mine before, and some of what I do for it, but it's in a few different blog posts and I wanted to have just one that had everything in it. It's easier to find, and it's easier than sending eleventeen tweets to anyone on Twitter who asks about it, you know? Plus I can go in to more detail. Blog posts are also a lot less ephemeral than Twitter.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. All I can share is things I personally do for this condition and that I find helpful, which I have found through years of doing physical therapy and experimentation. I cannot guarantee you will find them helpful. If any of these things causes bad things, such as an increase in your pain, contractions of any sort, or injury, please, please don't do them. Please listen to your body.
Things I find helpful
Also, if you are in a lot of pain and can access and afford it, a good physical therapist can provide so much help. They can provide additional exercises, make sure you're doing them correctly, and help figure out exactly what's wrong to fix it. I absolutely credit the PTs I have worked with in the past with the fact that I largely live my life pain-free, even with the severe disk herniations I have lived through.
If any of these aren't clear, please let me know and I'm happy to provide more details. And again, not a medical professional, listen to your body, etc. All I can tell you is things I personally do that help. And sympathize with your pain, because OH MY GOD DID I MENTION THAT I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
So lately it seems like every other pregnant person I talk to here on these internets is having the same problem I am - namely, pelvic girdle pain, or symphysis pubis dysfunction. Their hips ache, they are having trouble walking, pain radiates down their thighs, their pubic joint aches (mine actually cracks), etc. and so on. That link above has some more detailed examples of symptoms.
Basically, it blows, and it can significantly reduce your mobility and quality of life. OH FRIENDS, DO I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
So I know I've talked about mine before, and some of what I do for it, but it's in a few different blog posts and I wanted to have just one that had everything in it. It's easier to find, and it's easier than sending eleventeen tweets to anyone on Twitter who asks about it, you know? Plus I can go in to more detail. Blog posts are also a lot less ephemeral than Twitter.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. All I can share is things I personally do for this condition and that I find helpful, which I have found through years of doing physical therapy and experimentation. I cannot guarantee you will find them helpful. If any of these things causes bad things, such as an increase in your pain, contractions of any sort, or injury, please, please don't do them. Please listen to your body.
Things I find helpful
- Lay on your side with a pillow between your legs. Because I have a history of lower back problems, this is something I've been doing for years anyway. I have a specific pillow that is my leg pillow for when I sleep. However, I find as my pregnancy progresses, that pillow is a little too thin to do much good when my pelvis is really bad. I like using it when I'm actually sleeping, because it's a standard sized pillow and fits between my legs from hips to ankles, but it's not sufficient to really start relieving any pain I'm having.
So my advice is this: lay on your side, knees slightly bent, keeping your hips as straight and aligned as possible. And experiment with pillows. Don't be afraid to put a fat, firm pillow between your legs. My personal favorite right now is the Snoogle Mini, and that sucker is firm and like eight inches thick. Experiment with placement, as well. I find that the Snoogle helps most when it's between my thighs and pretty close to my pelvis (bonus: I can put the rest of it under my belly and boobs which feels nice). When I get it in the right place, I can feel my lower back, pelvis, and hip joints slowly stretch out and work themselves back more or less in to place. It's sometimes disconcerting and almost achy, but not painful. If it's painful, stop. I usually lay with the Snoogle for about an hour total before I go to sleep, half an hour on each side, then when I'm ready to go to sleep I switch to my usual leg pillow. Do what works for you. - Leg rocks. So if you're like me, rolling over in bed can easily turn in to a five minute ordeal. Often I have a few minutes where I just have to stop, breathe, and lay on my back before I can continue to my other side. I know they say OMG DON'T LAY ON YOUR BACK DURING PREGNANCY, but for most people, for a few minutes, it's fine (after all, you probably do it at EVERY OB OR MIDWIFE APPOINTMENT). When you're in this position, you can do what my last physical therapist called "rocking the baby", which now that I'm pregnant is entirely too relevant to my life.
Here's how you do it. While laying on your back, bend your knees, keeping your legs together. Gently rock just your legs from side to side. Imagine that there is a baby balanced on your knees, and you are rocking it to sleep. Don't rock your legs faster or farther than you would if there were a baby up there. It's important to keep your spine flat on your bed - don't let your hips lift up as your move your legs. What this does is gently rotates your hip joints which can alleviate pain and help work them back in to place. This can also be helpful if you have sciatica - try doing it before you get out of bed in the morning for a few minutes, or any time the sciatica flares up.
- Pelvic tilts. Now we start getting in to the nitty-gritty. One of the most helpful things you can do to help stabilize your pelvis is to strengthen your abdominal muscles (belly!), your glutes (YOUR ASS), and your PC muscles (the ones Kegels are targeted at). These muscles are what surround your pelvis and lower back, and you can use them to not only stabilize these areas, but to some extent, correct and compensate for loose joints and ligaments (aka WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU NOW YAY THANKS PREGNANCY).
Here is an excellent primer on how to do these, both while laying on your back, or while standing against a wall. Personally, I prefer the standing version right now, although last time I was in PT for my back, I did the laying version, and I can attest that both work. This gives a gentle stretch to your lower back, as well as works on strengthening your abdominal muscles. The trick to these, which is not in the tutorial, is that you want to tighten your abdominals (and to some extent, your PC muscles and glutes) to gently press your lower spine either in to the bed or the wall. You don't need a very large movement - the tutorial has a gif that illustrates just how little you need to move.
Right now, I do five of these per day, and I hold each for five seconds. Again, not a medical professional, but that is a decent starting point to try. When I was doing this for my back in PT, I worked up to two to three sets of ten per day, holding each for at least ten seconds. Please, please, listen to your body and don't rush them. It honestly does not take much, I have found, to provide relief.
- Kegels. I know they tell those of us with vaginas to do these anyway, but here's why: as I outlined above, the PC muscles that you exercise with these help support your pelvis and lower back. These muscles can be used to compensate for the bullshit your pelvis is pulling.
Here is a good tutorial on how to do these, including how to identify which muscles you actually want. What I would add is what my last PT told me. You can do two variations on these - and basically do them whenever you think of them. Variation one is "quick" Kegels: contract the muscles, hold for one second, release for one second, and repeat, ten to twenty times in a row. Variation two is closer to what's in the tutorial: contract, hold for ten seconds, release. Repeat in sets of ten to twenty. - Lateral pelvic shift correction. Because of my existing back problems, the non-technical term for this is that I tend to stand and sit crooked. If you look at my spine, often it seems to be running on a diagonal. My right hip tends to jut out past my right shoulder, which brings my left hip more under my neck than my left shoulder. This also leads to further lower back and pelvic pain and instability. To check to see if the same thing is happening to you, stand up and look in a mirror. Are your hips both directly below their matching shoulders? If so, then you don't have this. If one hip looks higher than the other (you can check by putting a hand on each hip bone), then maybe you do (this is often the most noticeable symptom for me - my right hip looks about three inches higher than the left when it's bad - and it can be pretty bad right now). A physical therapist can also diagnose this (which is how I know I have it).
This YouTube video describes how to do these. For those that can't do the video, what you are doing is using the wall as a straight surface to align your spine and hips. Since it's my right hip that juts out, I place my left side against the wall - if your left hip jutted out, you would place your right side against the wall. Bend your elbow on the wall side, keeping it tucked in close to your body. Place your wall shoulder and elbow against the wall. Your outside leg should be straight but leaning, about a foot or two away from the wall. Your inside leg moves to be next to your outside leg. Gently use your abdominal, PC, and glute muscles to shift your inside hip so that it is pressed against the wall, in line with your shoulder. Go SLOWLY. You can also place a hand on your outside hip to help press. Once your inside hip is aligned, hold for 2-5 seconds using your abs, glutes, and PC muscles, then take your inside leg, step against the wall, and stand up straight. Currently, I do a set of five of these per day, holding each for five seconds.
- Posture. So in the last few items, I've been talking about the three major muscle groups that stabilize your hips and lower spine - your abdominal muscles, your glutes (aka the muscles in your ass), and your PC muscles (the ones you do Kegels with). But you don't just use them during the PT exercises I've outlined above. You use them when you're sitting, standing or walking as well.
What you want to do is tighten each of these muscle groups in order to help maintain good posture - upright back, not crooked, not slumping or slouching, hips aligned, keep your legs close together, etc. You don't need to tighten them MUCH - I found that my pain increased if I tightened too much. And you will have to experiment to see how much each group has to be kept tight. If you're not used to doing it, you might not be able to do it all the time, and that's fine. But keep practicing. It gets easier with the exercises and with practice. If you can keep your posture as good as possible while sitting, standing, and walking, it really does help relieve the pain. Also, I understand that if your pelvis is really bad, you might not be able to stand up straight at first - I usually can't right when I get out of bed. Do the best you can, and improve when possible.
- Keep moving. Yeah, I know, probably the last thing you want to do when it fucking hurts to move. But, if you stay in one position too long, that gives your joints a chance to lock up in that position, making any changes that much more painful. So if you've been laying for a while, sit up for a bit. If you've been sitting for a while, get up and walk around for a few minutes. If you've been standing for a while, gently sway back and forth (just like if you were trying to soothe a baby) or for you ballroom dancers out there, practice what your instructor calls "Cuban motion" (video), that you use in rhythm/Latin dances. Don't lock your knees. If you have a bad back, they say switch positions every fifteen minutes, and that's a great ideal. Me, I'm fucking tired, so often it's like every hour I change. But change positions.
I find right now with walking, especially if I'm up and walking after laying down, the first step is the most painful. My joints are locked, my muscles are complaining, it's awful. The next half dozen aren't so grand either. But after that, I start to feel my joints shifting back in to place and my stride becomes much easier and less painful. Give your body the chance to do that - and again, remember your posture. Fix it when you can.
- Stop fucking moving. Yeah I know I just told you to move. But you're only going to have so much moving in a day. Your body currently has limits on what it can do, which, especially if you've never really had limits like this before, can be difficult and intensely frustrating (but let's not kid ourselves: I've had limits on body movement for years and I still get intensely pissed about it. Your feels, whatever they are, are okay). Please trust that when I tell you that respecting those limits is a way better idea than fighting them, because I have learned the hard way, many, many times. To give you an idea, right now, one of my limits is with stairs. If we count going either up or down a flight of stairs (so 10-15 steps, yeah?) as one trip, I get four trips per day. That's it. If I go beyond that, I pay, oh my sweet dark lord, do I pay, often the same evening.
There's also only so much walking, standing, and sitting I can do in a day. So, if I know like today, I have an OB appointment (requires 2 stair trips to get out of my house, requires getting in and out of the car, requires sitting in the car, sitting in the waiting room, sitting in the exam room, requires some walking), then I know that I probably won't be able to stand long enough to make dinner that night, so I either throw something in the slow cooker or plan on delivery or plan on an easy dinner that The Man is capable of cooking on his own.
If you can, build in days where you don't have to do anything. I realize this is easier for me because I do not work full-time and therefore do not have to leave the house every day. But, if you have three, four, five days in a row where you have to be up and get shit done, try to give yourself at least one day where you DON'T. Sleep late, take a super long warm shower, don't do any damn laundry, nothing. Again, I know it's not always practical, but try to give yourself as much of a break as possible. And please feel zero shame about asking your partner, spouse, best friend, neighbor, old enough kids, whoever, to help get shit done. You have limits. It blows. But you have them. Even if you can go, say, do a load of dishes, then lay down or sit with your feet up for fifteen minutes after (and drink a glass of water) before you have to do the next thing, it helps. I now have a chair in my apartment's kitchen for exactly this purpose.
- Heat, cold, pressure. I am a huge fan of hot showers, and just letting the hot water beat on my lower back to start the day. It loosens shit up (I know, I know) and eases some of the achiness that can set in overnight.
I am also a huge fan of icing the joints that have just gotten a huge workout after I'm done. Sometimes, a cold pack on your hip joint or pubic joint or lower back can work wonders to soothe it after you've asked a lot of it. Some people prefer either heat or cold - whichever works for you and provides the most relief.
Finally, a little massage helps too. I really like to have The Man provide some pretty strong pressure to either side of my spine, just above my pelvis, at the end of the night when I'm laying in bed. You might like to have your hips rubbed. Whatever - try it out. If a spot is achy and sore, try a little massage. It doesn't have to be fancy.
Also, if you are in a lot of pain and can access and afford it, a good physical therapist can provide so much help. They can provide additional exercises, make sure you're doing them correctly, and help figure out exactly what's wrong to fix it. I absolutely credit the PTs I have worked with in the past with the fact that I largely live my life pain-free, even with the severe disk herniations I have lived through.
If any of these aren't clear, please let me know and I'm happy to provide more details. And again, not a medical professional, listen to your body, etc. All I can tell you is things I personally do that help. And sympathize with your pain, because OH MY GOD DID I MENTION THAT I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 31
[Contents: TMI, pain]
Short version: hormones are seriously kicking my assssssssssssssss.
I've been upset by some stuff happening in my personal life the past week, and while it's all stuff that would upset or piss me off even if I weren't pregnant, because I am seven million goddamn months pregnant, all of the upset is accompanied by SO. MUCH. CRYING.
I'm not usually one to cry much, and I also really hate crying, so I try to avoid it. SO MUCH CRYING this past week, y'all. SO MUCH. OH MY FUCKING GOD CAN IT STOP NOW.
Crying so much also makes me even more tired than I am otherwise, yaaaaay!
The other hormone that's kicking my ass is motherfucking relaxin, STILL. My poor hips, y'all. My poor goddamn hips. I know I posted a few weeks ago that doing some PT exercises really helped and could get me pain-free. They still really help, but I haven't been pain-free lately. This may also have to do with the fact that I think "why yes, let's make like six stops after my pre-natal appointment sounds like a great plan" and then proceed to do it, but I blame the hormones. Fucking hormones. I semi-woke The Man up this week once as I was getting out of bed because my pubic symphysis cracked so fucking loudly. It's super freaky when it does that, but it feels SO good. And it really lessened the pain I was in.
The other thing that helps is laying with mah Snoogle Mini that my BFF gave me, because she is an amazing person. I lay on my side, then part of it goes between my thighs, the rest gets tucked under my belly and boobs, and it's awesome. I don't sleep with it all night, because it eventually bothers me to not have a pillow between my legs for the entire length of my legs, but when I'm just laying in bed reading or whatever I use it and it's great. It's thicker than my usual between-the-legs pillow and something about the thickness, the firmness, or the position shifts my hips around in a different way that helps ease them back in to a less painful position. RECOMMENDED. Also I'm 6' tall and definitely a fat lady, so do not let your height or weight worry you with this sucker.
I'm also at the stage where I waddle when I walk, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Sometimes if my hips are really wonky it's more of a lurch. I AM THE EPITOME OF GRACE AND DIGNITY, FOLKS. Rolling over in bed is a five-minute production that makes me grateful I have a 100% metal bed frame that is solid enough I can grab my headboard and use it for leverage.
Speaking of bed, I spend a lot of time there! It's soft and comfy! Sadly I don't sleep more than 2-4 hours at a stretch anymore! I finally find a comfortable position and fall asleep. 2-4 hours later, I am woken up by one or more of the following:
I also just have a very limited amount of things I can do in a day, still. Like, I can usually manage doing a full up/down cycle on the stairs in my house a maximum of twice per day. There's fifteen steps to get from the front door to my house, and fifteen steps to get from the floor with my bedroom to the attic, where my sewing room and the laundry are. Oh and to leave the house there's another five stairs. If I am doing a lot of walking or standing (or sometimes even sitting), stairs are right out. And if I do too much of anything in a day, I can be totally wiped out and in extra pain for a day or three afterwards. STILL. AGAIN. GODS.
So I'm having to get even more strategic about what I do in a day and really planning that shit out - like today, I needed to be upstairs sewing, as I have a commission due the end of the month and someone staying with me next week. So in order to both be able to work AND have dinner, I had to plan something to throw in the crock pot. And plan on getting nothing else done besides the sewing and the dinner making, except maaaaybe being able to throw in a load of laundry while I'm upstairs already. It's a delicate balance between getting things done (which improves my mental health) and not moving too much (which keeps my physical health better), but not avoiding movement TOO much, because too little movement adds to the pain too. I frequently fuck it up. It's never ending fucking fun.
Also in really TMI land, so for most pregnant folks, at some point their boobs start, uh, leaking some proto-breast milk. That is week 30 for me apparently, because in the morning I have juuuuust a little bit of crusty nonsense on my nipples. GRACE, DIGNITY, ETC.
Short version: hormones are seriously kicking my assssssssssssssss.
I've been upset by some stuff happening in my personal life the past week, and while it's all stuff that would upset or piss me off even if I weren't pregnant, because I am seven million goddamn months pregnant, all of the upset is accompanied by SO. MUCH. CRYING.
I'm not usually one to cry much, and I also really hate crying, so I try to avoid it. SO MUCH CRYING this past week, y'all. SO MUCH. OH MY FUCKING GOD CAN IT STOP NOW.
Crying so much also makes me even more tired than I am otherwise, yaaaaay!
The other hormone that's kicking my ass is motherfucking relaxin, STILL. My poor hips, y'all. My poor goddamn hips. I know I posted a few weeks ago that doing some PT exercises really helped and could get me pain-free. They still really help, but I haven't been pain-free lately. This may also have to do with the fact that I think "why yes, let's make like six stops after my pre-natal appointment sounds like a great plan" and then proceed to do it, but I blame the hormones. Fucking hormones. I semi-woke The Man up this week once as I was getting out of bed because my pubic symphysis cracked so fucking loudly. It's super freaky when it does that, but it feels SO good. And it really lessened the pain I was in.
The other thing that helps is laying with mah Snoogle Mini that my BFF gave me, because she is an amazing person. I lay on my side, then part of it goes between my thighs, the rest gets tucked under my belly and boobs, and it's awesome. I don't sleep with it all night, because it eventually bothers me to not have a pillow between my legs for the entire length of my legs, but when I'm just laying in bed reading or whatever I use it and it's great. It's thicker than my usual between-the-legs pillow and something about the thickness, the firmness, or the position shifts my hips around in a different way that helps ease them back in to a less painful position. RECOMMENDED. Also I'm 6' tall and definitely a fat lady, so do not let your height or weight worry you with this sucker.
I'm also at the stage where I waddle when I walk, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Sometimes if my hips are really wonky it's more of a lurch. I AM THE EPITOME OF GRACE AND DIGNITY, FOLKS. Rolling over in bed is a five-minute production that makes me grateful I have a 100% metal bed frame that is solid enough I can grab my headboard and use it for leverage.
Speaking of bed, I spend a lot of time there! It's soft and comfy! Sadly I don't sleep more than 2-4 hours at a stretch anymore! I finally find a comfortable position and fall asleep. 2-4 hours later, I am woken up by one or more of the following:
- My fucking hip hurts. (I am an obligate side sleeper, so I am always laying on one hip or the other.)
- I have to goddamn pee, AGAIN.
- FUCKING HELL SHIT DAMN I NEED FOOD.
I also just have a very limited amount of things I can do in a day, still. Like, I can usually manage doing a full up/down cycle on the stairs in my house a maximum of twice per day. There's fifteen steps to get from the front door to my house, and fifteen steps to get from the floor with my bedroom to the attic, where my sewing room and the laundry are. Oh and to leave the house there's another five stairs. If I am doing a lot of walking or standing (or sometimes even sitting), stairs are right out. And if I do too much of anything in a day, I can be totally wiped out and in extra pain for a day or three afterwards. STILL. AGAIN. GODS.
So I'm having to get even more strategic about what I do in a day and really planning that shit out - like today, I needed to be upstairs sewing, as I have a commission due the end of the month and someone staying with me next week. So in order to both be able to work AND have dinner, I had to plan something to throw in the crock pot. And plan on getting nothing else done besides the sewing and the dinner making, except maaaaybe being able to throw in a load of laundry while I'm upstairs already. It's a delicate balance between getting things done (which improves my mental health) and not moving too much (which keeps my physical health better), but not avoiding movement TOO much, because too little movement adds to the pain too. I frequently fuck it up. It's never ending fucking fun.
Also in really TMI land, so for most pregnant folks, at some point their boobs start, uh, leaking some proto-breast milk. That is week 30 for me apparently, because in the morning I have juuuuust a little bit of crusty nonsense on my nipples. GRACE, DIGNITY, ETC.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass This Week: Week 27
[Contents: medical, mention of pregnancy loss]
AHHHHHHH THIRD TRIMESTER HOLY SHIT
HOLY SHIT
I spent a lot of this pregnancy not really expecting to get here, you know? Through the first trimester, I was on edge the ENTIRE TIME, because I was spotting pretty consistently, and because I had an early miscarriage in 2012. Then I got through twelve weeks and heard the heartbeat on the Doppler the first time, and it was AMAZING. I could not believe how tight I was wound. I mean, I knew I'd been wound seriously fucking tight, but all of a sudden I was so much more sanguine.
Then we found out my cervix was short and I was at higher risk of delivering early. Which didn't stress me as much as the first trimester, but still stressed me. Most days I could be pretty okay... some days, definitely not. Some days I was convinced I would lose the baby, and lose it before 24 weeks, and oh god, it was going to be terrible.
And then I didn't.
And now it's the third trimester.
And now even if I do deliver early - which I'm not even considered to be at high risk of anymore - every single day, the probable outcomes for The Kid look better and better. And I'm not having contractions, I have no signs of pre-term labor.. everything looks like yup, we're going full-term right now. Kid's growth is on track (and as of last update, hir legs were actually measuring ahead... SHOCK TIME, as both The Man and I are six feet tall), I'm feeling pretty good... wow.
So naturally I have to work not to obsess over kick counts.
My OB doesn't even want me doing them until week 28, and that's the typical recommendation. And there's not a ton of good evidence that they even prevent bad outcomes. And yet!
The Kid is generally pretty active. Generally within an hour after my eating something, there's a flurry of activity. Then late at night when I'm laying in bed. Usually right after I get up in the morning and pee (the first of like EIGHT THOUSAND TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM PER DAY GODS). It's pretty predictable. Some days, though, they're quieter. The day after, they're somewhat more active, and I get all sorts of fun round ligament pain, so my theory is GROWTH SPURT. Then after that we're back to HI WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE KICKED LIKE ALL DAY I HOPE SO BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE DOING.
Today is one of those days.
And even on the less active days, without fail, WITHOUT FAIL, I get to the point where I start worrying "oh shit, I haven't felt The Kid for a while", I get kicked. Unmistakably. Which is nice and reassuring and makes me laugh, because of course. So really, all signs are that The Kid is perfectly fine. And rolling over and changing positions and Kid how did you kick my hip what are you even DOING in there.
I've also managed to significantly improve the problems with my pelvis. I wrote a while ago that it was already spreading, and I came back from 2013 Midwestern Holiday and was in pretty solid, lurching pain for two weeks from PGP, which probably at this point at this point could be called symphisis pubic dysfunction, seeing as how that particular joint has cracked multiple times. Convenient part though is that a lot of the exercises recommended for that are the exercises recommended for my back. So I've been doing some pelvic tilts, pelvic side shifts to straighten out my spine (because I've noticed that's crooked again), some gentle leg lifts and rocks, things like that. And holy shit, have I mentioned I'm a huge believer in PT? Because now I'm not in pain anymore.
I still have to be careful - I can tell if I go up and down my stairs too many times in a day, for example, and I've more or less given up on doing a full grocery shop, because it's just too much. So I got groceries delivered last week. I can still stop and pick up a few things if we need them though, and that helps. But oh man, now it doesn't hurt to get out of bed any more. And my sciatica was flaring a bit, and that's eased too.
Fucking physical therapy, yo. Fucking MIRACULOUS.
I've also realized that oh shit, I need to eat like ALL THE TIME, and probably if I'm feeling just kind of bleah, it's because I need food. I can also tell if I skip my prenatal vitamins for a day, even if I replace them with a regular multivitamin. I don't know what's in them that makes the difference, but if I don't take them, I get way more emotional, and way more in the mood to just curl up in bed and never, ever leave. I had a day last week, after I'd skipped the vitamins for two days, where basically I was just a complete hormonal, weepy mess. And this weekend after skipping them for one day, I could feel myself going back there. So NO SKIPPING FOR ME too bad they still taste terrible.
OH MY FUCK GOD I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY SOME TIME IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS HOLY FUCKBALL SHIT
AHHHHHHH THIRD TRIMESTER HOLY SHIT
HOLY SHIT
I spent a lot of this pregnancy not really expecting to get here, you know? Through the first trimester, I was on edge the ENTIRE TIME, because I was spotting pretty consistently, and because I had an early miscarriage in 2012. Then I got through twelve weeks and heard the heartbeat on the Doppler the first time, and it was AMAZING. I could not believe how tight I was wound. I mean, I knew I'd been wound seriously fucking tight, but all of a sudden I was so much more sanguine.
Then we found out my cervix was short and I was at higher risk of delivering early. Which didn't stress me as much as the first trimester, but still stressed me. Most days I could be pretty okay... some days, definitely not. Some days I was convinced I would lose the baby, and lose it before 24 weeks, and oh god, it was going to be terrible.
And then I didn't.
And now it's the third trimester.
And now even if I do deliver early - which I'm not even considered to be at high risk of anymore - every single day, the probable outcomes for The Kid look better and better. And I'm not having contractions, I have no signs of pre-term labor.. everything looks like yup, we're going full-term right now. Kid's growth is on track (and as of last update, hir legs were actually measuring ahead... SHOCK TIME, as both The Man and I are six feet tall), I'm feeling pretty good... wow.
So naturally I have to work not to obsess over kick counts.
My OB doesn't even want me doing them until week 28, and that's the typical recommendation. And there's not a ton of good evidence that they even prevent bad outcomes. And yet!
The Kid is generally pretty active. Generally within an hour after my eating something, there's a flurry of activity. Then late at night when I'm laying in bed. Usually right after I get up in the morning and pee (the first of like EIGHT THOUSAND TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM PER DAY GODS). It's pretty predictable. Some days, though, they're quieter. The day after, they're somewhat more active, and I get all sorts of fun round ligament pain, so my theory is GROWTH SPURT. Then after that we're back to HI WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE KICKED LIKE ALL DAY I HOPE SO BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE DOING.
Today is one of those days.
And even on the less active days, without fail, WITHOUT FAIL, I get to the point where I start worrying "oh shit, I haven't felt The Kid for a while", I get kicked. Unmistakably. Which is nice and reassuring and makes me laugh, because of course. So really, all signs are that The Kid is perfectly fine. And rolling over and changing positions and Kid how did you kick my hip what are you even DOING in there.
I've also managed to significantly improve the problems with my pelvis. I wrote a while ago that it was already spreading, and I came back from 2013 Midwestern Holiday and was in pretty solid, lurching pain for two weeks from PGP, which probably at this point at this point could be called symphisis pubic dysfunction, seeing as how that particular joint has cracked multiple times. Convenient part though is that a lot of the exercises recommended for that are the exercises recommended for my back. So I've been doing some pelvic tilts, pelvic side shifts to straighten out my spine (because I've noticed that's crooked again), some gentle leg lifts and rocks, things like that. And holy shit, have I mentioned I'm a huge believer in PT? Because now I'm not in pain anymore.
I still have to be careful - I can tell if I go up and down my stairs too many times in a day, for example, and I've more or less given up on doing a full grocery shop, because it's just too much. So I got groceries delivered last week. I can still stop and pick up a few things if we need them though, and that helps. But oh man, now it doesn't hurt to get out of bed any more. And my sciatica was flaring a bit, and that's eased too.
Fucking physical therapy, yo. Fucking MIRACULOUS.
I've also realized that oh shit, I need to eat like ALL THE TIME, and probably if I'm feeling just kind of bleah, it's because I need food. I can also tell if I skip my prenatal vitamins for a day, even if I replace them with a regular multivitamin. I don't know what's in them that makes the difference, but if I don't take them, I get way more emotional, and way more in the mood to just curl up in bed and never, ever leave. I had a day last week, after I'd skipped the vitamins for two days, where basically I was just a complete hormonal, weepy mess. And this weekend after skipping them for one day, I could feel myself going back there. So NO SKIPPING FOR ME too bad they still taste terrible.
OH MY FUCK GOD I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY SOME TIME IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS HOLY FUCKBALL SHIT
Friday, November 22, 2013
Things Happening to My Pregnant Ass This Week
[Contents: TMI, medical, eating, mention of weight loss]
While I will be doing much ranting and swearing on this blog, I also just want to talk about what being pregnant is LIKE for me. Some of the things I find most helpful are just people's descriptions of what they are going through with pregnancy. As much as I have and I'm sure will rant about "anecdata", I love hearing people's stories. And in so many cases, it's those stories that make me realize that "I'm not alone." So I want to both document my experiences, and give that to other folks.
Especially since so, so many of these stories are written by not-fat folks. Which doesn't mean they're less valid, just that I already know that their experience is different than mine. And yeah, I'm fat, which doesn't mean every fat person who goes through pregnancy will have the same experience as me, but shit let's get some variety in this piece.
SO. Things this week.
One of the neatest things for me is just feeling where my uterus is. I've been able to find it since, mmmm, around week 13 or so. I used to have to lay on my back to find it. My lower abdomen is normally squishy. I have a floppy layer of fat there, that jiggles and wiggles and yes, squishes pretty easily. I was poking around one night (no lie, because I'd read in one of those pregnancy calendars that The Kid by this point could react to stimuli like pokes, and I wanted to piss them off :D) and was like heeyyyy, that's not squishy. I palpated all around - at this point I had to press pretty hard, but I could feel the firm, rounded edges and was like HEY THAT'S PRETTY NEAT. Then I grabbed The Man's hand so he could feel.
I check on it every so often, especially since I get so many reminders in pregnancy calendars that are like "Oh the top of your uterus is 3" below your belly button!" and so far it's been right on target. This Monday though, was the first time I felt it NOT laying down on my back. I was in the shower, soaping up and all of a sudden it was like WHOA. There it is. Starting right at the bottom of my belly button and spreading out to the sides. It's part of why I mentioned in Monday that it sure seems like the uterus is pushing the fat out of its way, because I could NOT feel this earlier. And I can't feel it while sitting down yet (at least not from the outside), it's really easy to feel while I'm standing up.
The Man also said to me this week, literally, "You kind of look... wider." I laughed and laughed and laughed. It was fricken' adorable.
I'm not a small person, okay? For various reasons, I wound up losing a lot of weight the first three and half months of pregnancy. The most visible way most folks would notice is that my face got really thin - I had slight hollows in my checks, and my bone structure really stood out. My face looked way longer than wide. I noticed my face had filled out and gotten rounder a couple of weeks ago, but I hadn't really noticed anything else. The Man was talking more about my hips and thighs and stuff. Given that his powers of observation when it comes to me are acute as hell, I completely believe him.
The "spread", as it were, also explains why standing up hurts. I'm about 99% sure it's pelvic girdle pain, even without talking to my OB or midwives. It's not in a spot I usually get pain, and it's definitely a perfect fit for the descriptions. It was worst a week ago Monday, after I got groceries, and I'm pretty sure it was exacerbated significantly by the shoes I was wearing. They were a low heel, which is most comfortable for me right now, but they have wood heels and about no padding. So my hips and knees and feet took the shocks of walking. But the clearest way I can describe it was that for a day or two afterwards, my hips felt like they were in the wrong place, and the pain from it, I felt in what sometimes is called the "pelvic saddle", and radiating down my thighs. I also had trouble standing up straight.
It's better this week, although it still aches when I first stand up. It's worse first thing in the morning, after everything has relaxed more. And usually walking for a few steps helps get things back in to place. I also find that a technique I was advised to use for my back helps a lot. My PT told me that your glutes, PC muscles, and abs all do the bulk of the work in stabilizing your spine and pelvis. So I make sure to have all of those tightened a bit when walking - which also improves my posture - and that seems to help a lot. If you read the Wikipedia article on PGP, it mentions that in some cases, yes, the muscles can compensate in whole or in part for pelvic instability, and that's what I'm doing. But shit, it works. The other thing that's helped is better shoes. I bought ones that have low heels, and have way more cushioning and softer soles, so they absorb more shocks. I know those things aren't options for everyone, but I wanted to put them out there in case they're options for others.
Finally, I think I need a timer. It needs to go off about every one to two hours, half an hour before the hunger gets critical and I lose my ability to coherently, calmly think about what I should eat. I am so hungry, y'all. And hungry really, really regularly. Problem is, I can't eat much. Sunday night I made fried chicken, which is one of my most favorite things in the world (it's also one of my sister's, and it was for her birthday). I've also craved chicken and potatoes pretty hard throughout this entire pregnancy. I ate like six bites of chicken, and a dozen fries, and was FULL. It was such bullshit; I was so upset. Then I was hungry an hour later, to my frustration. The hunger is definitely fiercest and most frequent in the afternoon and evening, but yeah, seriously, I need to shove food in my face about every hour to two hours. And I can't eat that much. UGH.
While I will be doing much ranting and swearing on this blog, I also just want to talk about what being pregnant is LIKE for me. Some of the things I find most helpful are just people's descriptions of what they are going through with pregnancy. As much as I have and I'm sure will rant about "anecdata", I love hearing people's stories. And in so many cases, it's those stories that make me realize that "I'm not alone." So I want to both document my experiences, and give that to other folks.
Especially since so, so many of these stories are written by not-fat folks. Which doesn't mean they're less valid, just that I already know that their experience is different than mine. And yeah, I'm fat, which doesn't mean every fat person who goes through pregnancy will have the same experience as me, but shit let's get some variety in this piece.
SO. Things this week.
One of the neatest things for me is just feeling where my uterus is. I've been able to find it since, mmmm, around week 13 or so. I used to have to lay on my back to find it. My lower abdomen is normally squishy. I have a floppy layer of fat there, that jiggles and wiggles and yes, squishes pretty easily. I was poking around one night (no lie, because I'd read in one of those pregnancy calendars that The Kid by this point could react to stimuli like pokes, and I wanted to piss them off :D) and was like heeyyyy, that's not squishy. I palpated all around - at this point I had to press pretty hard, but I could feel the firm, rounded edges and was like HEY THAT'S PRETTY NEAT. Then I grabbed The Man's hand so he could feel.
I check on it every so often, especially since I get so many reminders in pregnancy calendars that are like "Oh the top of your uterus is 3" below your belly button!" and so far it's been right on target. This Monday though, was the first time I felt it NOT laying down on my back. I was in the shower, soaping up and all of a sudden it was like WHOA. There it is. Starting right at the bottom of my belly button and spreading out to the sides. It's part of why I mentioned in Monday that it sure seems like the uterus is pushing the fat out of its way, because I could NOT feel this earlier. And I can't feel it while sitting down yet (at least not from the outside), it's really easy to feel while I'm standing up.
The Man also said to me this week, literally, "You kind of look... wider." I laughed and laughed and laughed. It was fricken' adorable.
I'm not a small person, okay? For various reasons, I wound up losing a lot of weight the first three and half months of pregnancy. The most visible way most folks would notice is that my face got really thin - I had slight hollows in my checks, and my bone structure really stood out. My face looked way longer than wide. I noticed my face had filled out and gotten rounder a couple of weeks ago, but I hadn't really noticed anything else. The Man was talking more about my hips and thighs and stuff. Given that his powers of observation when it comes to me are acute as hell, I completely believe him.
The "spread", as it were, also explains why standing up hurts. I'm about 99% sure it's pelvic girdle pain, even without talking to my OB or midwives. It's not in a spot I usually get pain, and it's definitely a perfect fit for the descriptions. It was worst a week ago Monday, after I got groceries, and I'm pretty sure it was exacerbated significantly by the shoes I was wearing. They were a low heel, which is most comfortable for me right now, but they have wood heels and about no padding. So my hips and knees and feet took the shocks of walking. But the clearest way I can describe it was that for a day or two afterwards, my hips felt like they were in the wrong place, and the pain from it, I felt in what sometimes is called the "pelvic saddle", and radiating down my thighs. I also had trouble standing up straight.
It's better this week, although it still aches when I first stand up. It's worse first thing in the morning, after everything has relaxed more. And usually walking for a few steps helps get things back in to place. I also find that a technique I was advised to use for my back helps a lot. My PT told me that your glutes, PC muscles, and abs all do the bulk of the work in stabilizing your spine and pelvis. So I make sure to have all of those tightened a bit when walking - which also improves my posture - and that seems to help a lot. If you read the Wikipedia article on PGP, it mentions that in some cases, yes, the muscles can compensate in whole or in part for pelvic instability, and that's what I'm doing. But shit, it works. The other thing that's helped is better shoes. I bought ones that have low heels, and have way more cushioning and softer soles, so they absorb more shocks. I know those things aren't options for everyone, but I wanted to put them out there in case they're options for others.
Finally, I think I need a timer. It needs to go off about every one to two hours, half an hour before the hunger gets critical and I lose my ability to coherently, calmly think about what I should eat. I am so hungry, y'all. And hungry really, really regularly. Problem is, I can't eat much. Sunday night I made fried chicken, which is one of my most favorite things in the world (it's also one of my sister's, and it was for her birthday). I've also craved chicken and potatoes pretty hard throughout this entire pregnancy. I ate like six bites of chicken, and a dozen fries, and was FULL. It was such bullshit; I was so upset. Then I was hungry an hour later, to my frustration. The hunger is definitely fiercest and most frequent in the afternoon and evening, but yeah, seriously, I need to shove food in my face about every hour to two hours. And I can't eat that much. UGH.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Pregnancy as a cause of disability
[Contents: ableism, gender essentialism, medical]
So I have a lot of thoughts related to the #solidarityisfortheablebodied tag that I've been watching (and participating in) on the Twittermachine, especially in relation to pregnancy. This will probably turn in to a whole series of posts, but to start with, I wanted to record some of the tweets and talk a bit about how pregnancy can cause disability.
(Just as an FYI, #solidarityisfortheablebodied was started by Neal Carter to talk about ableism. It was inspired by #solidarityisforwhitewomen, which was started by Mikki Kendall to talk about racism in social justice movements, especially feminism. I really recommend checking them both out.)
So while participating in the tag, K Boyd, Cabell Gathman, and I were talking a bit about the intersection of pregnancy, ableism, and disability. Here are some of the highlights:
One of the things that continues to strike me about pregnancy is this overwhelming assumption of it and framing of the experience that it is the best, most fulfilling thing that a woman [sic] can ever do. That you will feel SO WONDERFUL in your second trimester, even if you felt horrid in your first trimester! It's fine! It's all great! (Don't believe me? Start looking at pretty much any pregnancy book or website out there.) And while the sites and books will talk about "round ligament pain", and "sore feet", and "mood swings", and while they'll often go in to detail about all of the things that can go wrong with the pregnancy, like placental abruption, they don't generally talk about how pregnancy can really be disabling.
The exception to that seems to be pelvic girdle pain, which is mentioned specifically both as "common" and "potentially debilitating". The Wikipedia article is way better (even if it does assume that all pregnant people are women). It's more detailed as to symptoms, potential effects, and way more thorough in terms of what treatment is available. "What To Expect" - which, I seem to recall hearing that this was so detailed it was too detailed about pregnancy and that's why no one liked it - has scant information, and scant options. And beyond that first mention of "debilitating", doesn't really go in to much else.
But PGP is far, FAR from the only change in pregnancy that can disable someone. Some of the easier ones to figure on are things like the loosening and spreading of your joints causing foot pain, or the lower back pain that can also be very common in pregnancy. Even in those cases though, the response often is "well get new shoes", "it's not that bad", "if you exercise more it will feel better". And yeah, foot pain and joint pain doesn't sound so bad. Until you have it, like I do, and when I went grocery shopping last Monday I could barely make it out of the store, hunched over the cart, unable to carry my groceries in, and having to slowly, painfully lurch my way up the stairs to my apartment, and immediately lay down. If you'd like to inform me that that's not disability, that that kind of pain isn't disabling, you can fuck right off. CAN'T. GET. MY. OWN. GROCERIES.
Then there's the nausea and vomiting, and the extreme nausea and vomiting known as hyperemesis gravidarum. HG can get people hospitalized. They literally cannot keep anything down, and are so dehydrated they usually wind up getting IV fluids and nutrients. It's incredibly dangerous both for the pregnant person and the embryo/fetus they're carrying. And even milder forms of "morning sickness" can be disabling. It's hard to function if you can't eat, if common smells make you ill, if you just feel like shit all the damn time with no relief.
Pregnancy doesn't just affect you physically though. There are so many mental and emotional changes that happen. Those often get dismissed as "hormones". And while hormones may be the cause, they're not always. Even if the cause is hormones, that doesn't make the effects any less real. Plus, any sort of mental health issue is incredibly stigmatized, and especially in women, tends to get pooh-poohed. "You're just lazy", "oh take a deep breath", "it's all in your head". Well that's fine and dandy (asshole), but when you're so ill you can't get out of the house, can't get out of bed? When you're afraid to move because WHAT IF IT HURTS THE BABY, and a part of you knows that's not really rational and it's the disease talking, but you still can't move? All the deep-breathing in the world ain't gonna fix that, and to suggest that it's such an easy fix, and that it's not disabling, is incredibly shitty.
And like was quoted above, lots of people do NOT experience debilitating, disabling side effects during pregnancy (and the ones I mentioned above are an extremely abbreviated list, mostly drawn from my own experience). That is genuinely awesome for them. My problem is when that becomes the only acceptable narrative for pregnancy, as it often seems to be. Again, the narrative we're presented about pregnancy so often is along the lines of "it's the most fulfilling, wonderful thing you can do!" and that completely erases people for whom it is emphatically not (such as myself!). It's one thing if you want to say "I found pregnancy amazingly fulfilling" or "I felt wonderful during my pregnancy", but to describe pregnancy in general as those things is bullshit. The kindest thing I can say about being pregnant is that it's incredibly uncomfortable and undignified, and part of the reason I use that phrasing is because if I tell it how it really is, I have gotten people jumping down my throat about how WELL JUST DO THIS and YOU'RE TERRIBLE and OH IT'S NOT THAT BAD etc. and so on. Many people are sympathetic - but that's also a function of the fact that I largely surround myself with people who aren't shitheads.
Which brings me to another point: I've gotten to the point, even this "early" in my pregnancy, a few times where I have significant trouble standing upright or walking. And even I hesitate to call that "disabled". I can't get groceries on my own, I have to plan dinners so that if I cook something that involves more than five minutes of effort one day, the next day I have to have something that only requires five minutes of effort, I'm back to doing PT exercises for my fucked up back and hips, I hate hate HATE that I have to pee all the time because goddammit I just got comfortable and standing up is going to hurt, and I dread the possibility of The Kid laying on my spine as they get bigger and aggravating my degenerated disks. And this is all shit that started after I got pregnant.
There's incredible stigma against disability, being disabled, and identifying as disabled here in the US. Being a pregnant person on top of that? There should be a really elegant math metaphor here, but I'll settle for "it way more than doubles the bullshit and stigma".
So I have a lot of thoughts related to the #solidarityisfortheablebodied tag that I've been watching (and participating in) on the Twittermachine, especially in relation to pregnancy. This will probably turn in to a whole series of posts, but to start with, I wanted to record some of the tweets and talk a bit about how pregnancy can cause disability.
(Just as an FYI, #solidarityisfortheablebodied was started by Neal Carter to talk about ableism. It was inspired by #solidarityisforwhitewomen, which was started by Mikki Kendall to talk about racism in social justice movements, especially feminism. I really recommend checking them both out.)
So while participating in the tag, K Boyd, Cabell Gathman, and I were talking a bit about the intersection of pregnancy, ableism, and disability. Here are some of the highlights:
#solidarityisfortheablebodied when pregnancy cn only be "inconvenient," never disabling. Pregnant ppl even ashamed to name it to themselves."@cabell: #solidarityisfortheablebodied when pregnancy cn only be "inconvenient" never disabling. Pregnant ppl even ashamed to name it to themselves."
— Cabell Gathman (@cabell) November 16, 2013
@kingdomofwench and just btw, I do become physically disabled when pregnant. :/"@MendyLady: @kingdomofwench and just btw, I do become physically disabled when pregnant. :/"
— K Boyd (@MendyLady) November 16, 2013
MT @MendyLady: @me Many people do not, and so it's awful that society assumes they do. But then for those of us who do, it's ..."@kingdomofwench: MT @MendyLady @me Many people do not, and so it's awful that society assumes they do. But then for those of us who do, it's..."
— Wench (@kingdomofwench) November 16, 2013
@kingdomofwench miserable to get our condition taken seriously. #solidarityisfortheablebodied"@MendyLady: miserable to get our condition taken seriously. #solidarityisfortheablebodied"
— K Boyd (@MendyLady) November 16, 2013
One of the things that continues to strike me about pregnancy is this overwhelming assumption of it and framing of the experience that it is the best, most fulfilling thing that a woman [sic] can ever do. That you will feel SO WONDERFUL in your second trimester, even if you felt horrid in your first trimester! It's fine! It's all great! (Don't believe me? Start looking at pretty much any pregnancy book or website out there.) And while the sites and books will talk about "round ligament pain", and "sore feet", and "mood swings", and while they'll often go in to detail about all of the things that can go wrong with the pregnancy, like placental abruption, they don't generally talk about how pregnancy can really be disabling.
The exception to that seems to be pelvic girdle pain, which is mentioned specifically both as "common" and "potentially debilitating". The Wikipedia article is way better (even if it does assume that all pregnant people are women). It's more detailed as to symptoms, potential effects, and way more thorough in terms of what treatment is available. "What To Expect" - which, I seem to recall hearing that this was so detailed it was too detailed about pregnancy and that's why no one liked it - has scant information, and scant options. And beyond that first mention of "debilitating", doesn't really go in to much else.
But PGP is far, FAR from the only change in pregnancy that can disable someone. Some of the easier ones to figure on are things like the loosening and spreading of your joints causing foot pain, or the lower back pain that can also be very common in pregnancy. Even in those cases though, the response often is "well get new shoes", "it's not that bad", "if you exercise more it will feel better". And yeah, foot pain and joint pain doesn't sound so bad. Until you have it, like I do, and when I went grocery shopping last Monday I could barely make it out of the store, hunched over the cart, unable to carry my groceries in, and having to slowly, painfully lurch my way up the stairs to my apartment, and immediately lay down. If you'd like to inform me that that's not disability, that that kind of pain isn't disabling, you can fuck right off. CAN'T. GET. MY. OWN. GROCERIES.
Then there's the nausea and vomiting, and the extreme nausea and vomiting known as hyperemesis gravidarum. HG can get people hospitalized. They literally cannot keep anything down, and are so dehydrated they usually wind up getting IV fluids and nutrients. It's incredibly dangerous both for the pregnant person and the embryo/fetus they're carrying. And even milder forms of "morning sickness" can be disabling. It's hard to function if you can't eat, if common smells make you ill, if you just feel like shit all the damn time with no relief.
Pregnancy doesn't just affect you physically though. There are so many mental and emotional changes that happen. Those often get dismissed as "hormones". And while hormones may be the cause, they're not always. Even if the cause is hormones, that doesn't make the effects any less real. Plus, any sort of mental health issue is incredibly stigmatized, and especially in women, tends to get pooh-poohed. "You're just lazy", "oh take a deep breath", "it's all in your head". Well that's fine and dandy (asshole), but when you're so ill you can't get out of the house, can't get out of bed? When you're afraid to move because WHAT IF IT HURTS THE BABY, and a part of you knows that's not really rational and it's the disease talking, but you still can't move? All the deep-breathing in the world ain't gonna fix that, and to suggest that it's such an easy fix, and that it's not disabling, is incredibly shitty.
And like was quoted above, lots of people do NOT experience debilitating, disabling side effects during pregnancy (and the ones I mentioned above are an extremely abbreviated list, mostly drawn from my own experience). That is genuinely awesome for them. My problem is when that becomes the only acceptable narrative for pregnancy, as it often seems to be. Again, the narrative we're presented about pregnancy so often is along the lines of "it's the most fulfilling, wonderful thing you can do!" and that completely erases people for whom it is emphatically not (such as myself!). It's one thing if you want to say "I found pregnancy amazingly fulfilling" or "I felt wonderful during my pregnancy", but to describe pregnancy in general as those things is bullshit. The kindest thing I can say about being pregnant is that it's incredibly uncomfortable and undignified, and part of the reason I use that phrasing is because if I tell it how it really is, I have gotten people jumping down my throat about how WELL JUST DO THIS and YOU'RE TERRIBLE and OH IT'S NOT THAT BAD etc. and so on. Many people are sympathetic - but that's also a function of the fact that I largely surround myself with people who aren't shitheads.
Which brings me to another point: I've gotten to the point, even this "early" in my pregnancy, a few times where I have significant trouble standing upright or walking. And even I hesitate to call that "disabled". I can't get groceries on my own, I have to plan dinners so that if I cook something that involves more than five minutes of effort one day, the next day I have to have something that only requires five minutes of effort, I'm back to doing PT exercises for my fucked up back and hips, I hate hate HATE that I have to pee all the time because goddammit I just got comfortable and standing up is going to hurt, and I dread the possibility of The Kid laying on my spine as they get bigger and aggravating my degenerated disks. And this is all shit that started after I got pregnant.
There's incredible stigma against disability, being disabled, and identifying as disabled here in the US. Being a pregnant person on top of that? There should be a really elegant math metaphor here, but I'll settle for "it way more than doubles the bullshit and stigma".
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