OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I HAVE A BABY AND ZIE'S ALREADY A MONTH OLD AND WHAT THE FUUUUCCKKKKK
How has
Mostly this past month my time has been taken up sleeping, nursing The Kid (aka The Velociraptor), and for the first two weeks, mostly sitting on the couch exhausted, but for the last few weeks, doing laundry, reading books, doing the dishes, making bottles, folding clothes, cooking dinner, shit like that. Also feeding myself and peeing. So much peeing.
I've also been working on completely re-learning how to walk, for like the eight thousandth time in my life. My hips were SO loose and out of alignment by the time I gave birth. It was really bad. Giving birth actually pretty much immediately relieved the constant pain I was in - funny how not having OVER EIGHT POUNDS OF BABY sitting RIGHT ON A LOOSE FLOPPY JOINT eases that. But I'd gotten in to a lot of habits to compensate for that joint, which, now that it's not as floppy, it doesn't have all that extra pressure on it, and my actual hip joints are easing back in, are causing me pain. So I'm having to constantly remind myself that I need to stand up straight, and don't need to waddle any more, and can effectively use my abdominal muscles to stabilize my spine again, etc. and so on. It's a work in progress.
But, it is in progress. I don't parcel out my activity in terms of how many times I can do the stairs in a day anymore. I mean, I am doing so much laundry - since we're using cloth diapers at home - but going up and down the stairs three or four times a day is okay. I went out last weekend and ran errands and went to like five stores and I WAS OKAY. I've been cooking dinner nearly every night after the first two weeks - OMFG HAVE I MENTIONED I LIKE FOOD AGAIN. FOOD IS AMAZING. I WANT TO EAT IT. ALSO COOK IT. I HAD PORK CHOPS AND TORTILLA SOUP AND ALL SORTS OF THE THINGS MY PREGNANT ASS COULDN'T EAT AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.
Also I can wear high heels again, which is fantastic. Flats don't make my back and feet hurt as much as they did pre-pregnancy, but they are definitely back to being way less comfortable. My feet have not changed size either, which is helpful.
I don't feel like my body has changed shape or size much either. Oh, let's be real, I have a whole bunch of brand new, angry purple stretch marks all over my belly. But... I'm back in my old clothes. Not that I ever wore "maternity" clothes anyway, or bought any bigger clothes for myself. But I'm back in the jeans and shirts that were a bit too small. My belly is still soft and floppy and jiggly, but it was BEFORE I got pregnant. My boobs are still definitely bigger, especially since I am breastfeeding at least most of the time, and I don't have a single bra that fits properly, but since most of my days I'm just at home with The Kid, fuck it, I just don't wear a bra.
The one thing that may have changed would be my bits, and honestly, it's not like I looked at them, uh, at all before I got pregnant, and I haven't looked at them since I gave birth. I do know that there were A LOT of stitches put in there, and there's a couple that seem to have not quite healed. But everything seems like it's more or less okay and where it belongs? I don't know. I get them checked out IN FULL in about a week, and The Man is definitely keeping count of how many days are left until I get cleared by my midwife. (I was informed by my mother that my father ALSO kept close track of how many days were left until OMG SEXYTIMES, which on the one hand, omg, not thinking about my parents having sex, and on the other, is hilarious).
I'm also in so much better health mentally. The last month of pregnancy was really fucking tough on me, and in ways that I'm still figuring out and didn't realize at the time. I am aware that I was cranky, angry, rude, had no patience, and was unpleasant to be around, and I'm sorry. I really am much better now though. Amazing what not being in pain does for one's mental health - which I also realize I don't need to explain to many people who read this blog or follow me on the twitter-machine. Yeah, I get tired, and for the first two weeks especially, I was a, weepy as hell, and b, super-frustrated that I couldn't be up and doing everything I wanted to yet.
The weepiness was hormonal - I would see my parents holding The Kid and be all like "That's my MOM" or "that's my DAD! HOLDING MY BABY!" and be so overwhelmed with joy and happiness and sadness that oh my god, they won't always be around and the baby is growing SO QUICKLY and a whole host of other emotions that they were too much to contain and they all leaked down my face. Or I'd be reading a book and something bad would happen to a baby or child and be all like "THAT IS SO TERRIBLE OH MY GOD I HOPE THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO MY CHILD I AM SO SAD", etc. and so on. It's eased up, a lot. I'm still feeling more of those kinds of emotions than I was, but they're not leaking down my face anymore, which, I am grateful for.
The frustration was definitely OKAY I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRAP ANYMORE I WANT TO DO LAUNDRY AND SHIT and it was really hard for me to have my mom doing it all for those first two weeks. Both my folks were over here pretty much every day the first week after The Kid was born, and my mom stayed with us another week. So she cooked, and did laundry, and spring cleaned the house, and I am immensely grateful for it... and struggled a lot with guilt and frustration around it. It was hard for me to realize that yeah, if I had REALLY needed to do all of those things that early on, I could have... but the first week especially, I really wasn't capable of it, and it was better for me to rest and build up strength, and it was PERFECTLY FINE for someone to help me and do them for me for a while.
And it really helped. Yeah, I was tired after she left... but I'd had two solid weeks where I could really rest and heal, and I think it made a huge difference.
So now my days are getting up with The Velociraptor, feeding The Velociraptor (always feeding... this child, y'all, swear to Maude zie has a hollow leg because I don't know where four hours of nursing and 20 oz. of formula goes SERIOUSLY), changing diapers, washing diapers, figuring out what to eat for dinner, thinking about leaving the house, sometimes ACTUALLY LEAVING THE HOUSE... and yeah, I'm pretty happy. Tired by late at night, but happy.
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