Breastfeeding, Now That I've Done It

[Contents: TMI; parent-shaming; disordered eating]

I feel a little strange writing this up, since I'm no longer breastfeeding, but part of this blog is to share my experiences, especially as a fat lady with some chronic health issues, so that people who are similar boats have some reference material and don't feel as isolated and alone.

So. Breastfeeding.

Honestly going in to it, I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about breastfeeding. I was anticipating it was going to be super-weird. And, except for about thirty seconds when I thwapped out one of my boobs and started nursing in front of my father, it wasn't weird. It was just, "oh, I'm feeding my baby, okay."

I will also say that now that I've stopped, I don't miss nursing. And you know, nursing was pretty easy for me. I had to get a little creative with positioning sometimes - which I'll go in to more detail about later - but I never had sore or cracked nipples, I never had mastitis, a blocked duct, or thrush, The Kid never had latch problems, I never had painful engorgement, nothing. It worked pretty damn well all around.

The only issues were my supply - it's unclear whether I would have had enough to nurse exclusively. I go back and forth on that. Since I have thyroid issues, it is more likely that I did have some under-supply issues. Those issues, if they existed, were probably not helped by the fact that I really, really struggle to eat enough. It's easy to blame having a baby for the not eating, but that's a lie. I've struggled for years with making sure to feed myself adequately. I will say that having a baby exacerbated that. I could have really used someone who just constantly brought me food I could eat one-handed, especially in the first month or so where basically if the baby was awake, zie was nursing. And without eating enough, it's difficult to make enough breast milk.

But yeah, I don't miss it. I do miss being able to read or internets while nursing - I almost always had one hand free, and I have an iPod Touch with wifi, which is perfect for one-handed use. I do miss the early morning, 5 am wake-ups, and taking the baby in to bed with me and nursing while dozing. I miss nursing the baby to sleep. I miss nursing the baby to sleep on the couch and then shifting hir up to my shoulder so that we could both take a three-hour nap on the couch. I miss the baby unlatching hirself and giving me a milk-drunk, half-asleep grin with milk dribbling out of hir mouth.

I don't miss the last few months of nursing, whereupon The Kid was constantly clawing me and pinching my breasts, so that nursing turned in to a constant battle to prevent my personal pain. I don't miss The Kid's distracted nursing as they got older. I don't miss being stuck in a stationary position for however long nursing lasted. I don't miss the fact that I never found a nursing bra that fit, so nursing anywhere but at home was a royal pain in the ass. I don't miss the pain in my wrists from having to support whichever breast I was nursing from for however long nursing lasted, and it was regularly over an hour. I don't miss the discomfort from being stuck in whatever position I was in while nursing. I don't miss my tailbone constantly aching from sitting and nursing all the time.

One of the big things they tell you about breastfeeding is that it's SO CONVENIENT and IT'S FREE. Well, no. It's not free. It's certainly less expensive than formula feeding, but it's not free. It's a hell of a lot more time - and my time is not of zero value - and it's an increased cost in food and water for whoever is nursing. For lo, do you need to drink the hell of a lot of water when nursing.

And as for convenience, I'd say that breastfeeding and formula feeding are both convenient, just in different ways.

Ways breastfeeding is convenient:

• You really do never leave the house without the baby's food.
• You always have more food - you never run out.
• You can snooze while doing it.
• You don't have to do a load of dishes before you can feed the baby.
• You often have a free hand, so you can catch up on your reading or Twitter feed.
• No food goes to waste.

Ways formula feeding is convenient:

• You don't have to half-undress in order to feed the baby.
• It doesn't take an hour or more per feeding session.
• You don't have to try to eat or drink anything extra.
• Someone else can feed the baby while you eat some damn dinner finally.
• I can actually put the baby in the carrier and feed hir while we're moving.

They're also both inconvenient in some ways.

Ways breastfeeding is inconvenient:

• It's way harder, for me anyway, to find a comfortable position. The combination of large breasts (that I half-lovingly refer to as "cantaloupes in socks"... really soft cantaloupes) mean that unless I'm at home, where I can put my feet up and have a pillow in my lap, breastfeeding involves hunching over and lots of stress on my arms. Some people can nurse while their baby is in a carrier and they're moving! I am not one of them.
• It takes a long, long time to completely feed the baby, especially at first. Then once it shortens up, GROWTH SPURT, and we're back to constant nursing.
• Nursing strikes. You haven't lived until your baby has screamed at you every time you offer hir your breast.
• You're the only one who can feed your baby, unless you choose to pump, which is a whole other level of pain-in-the-ass-ness. (I did not pump.) Even if you do pump, any regular feeding time you aren't nursing, you have to pump, so you're still getting up in the middle of the night usually.
• You constantly need food, and especially water.
• The baby will always want to nurse when it's dinner time.
• You have to watch what you eat and drink. For example, if you drink something caffeinated, caffeine will be in your breast milk, and you might have a baby who is wired. Some babies with allergies and food intolerances are also sensitive to what their nursing parent eats - e.g., dairy.
• I didn't have them, but cracked nipples, clogged ducts, and thrush are real, painful things.
• Most doctors in the US will recommend that breastfed babies receive a Vitamin D supplement. So you have to buy that and remember to give it to the baby.
• Clapperclawing. Your baby will do it.

Ways formula feeding is inconvenient:

• Formula is expensive. And you will always have to toss some out, because once you mix up a bottle, the clock starts ticking.
• Bottles are expensive. The bottles that work best for us? Are $19.99 for three. We use at least six bottles a day right now. So a dozen bottles (so you've always got at least one clean... honestly, we have 17 now and I'm finally comfortable) is $80. Sure, there's coupons and sales, but jeebus. Let's not even talk about replacement nipples.
• You don't have a hand free.
• You can leave the house without the baby's food (and I've done it WHOOPS).
• You can't snooze while doing it - you have to stay awake.
• You have to make sure you buy enough formula you don't run out. The grocery store sells it, but it's often the most expensive option. So you have to either order it online, or make a special trip to Babies R Us or Target or wherever. It's also heavy as fuck.
• Unless you're using ready-to-feed (the most expensive form of formula out there), you have to make sure you have enough safe water to mix up the formula. I think about this, because it's hurricane season, and it's about to be winter storm season. We've never had a problem with our water here, but if we did, I need to make sure the baby doesn't starve.

I'm sure there are more things to add to all four of these lists (please feel free to share in comments!). But basically, it's a trade-off. As for other things that get used to shame people in to breastfeeding - and yeah, a lot of times it is trying to shame people in to breastfeeding - I have bonded with my baby just fine, thank you; my baby is healthy as fuck and has consistently been months ahead on hir milestones; my baby is at the 50% percentile for weight-for-age and even if they weren't, I don't consider obesity a health problem to prevent; breast cancer doesn't run in my family so I'm at low risk anyways; did I miss any?

As for positions, let me tell you, the ones you get the diagrams for, aren't made with fat ladies with large breasts in mind. Nor are nursing pillows. I used either a standard US bed pillow, or a Snoogle mini. I really loved nursing in the hospital, because I could angle the bed how I wanted it, then prop the baby up on a pillow next to me and use a modified football hold. The hospital is also the only place I successfully nursed in the side-lying position, because I could wedge a pillow between the baby and the bed rail. Otherwise, I would sit down, with my feet out in front of me, put a pillow on my lap, and prop the baby on the pillow. I'd support whatever breast I was nursing from with the hand on the same side, and latch the baby on. Nursing in any chair with arms was no good - there wasn't enough room for me, my breasts, and the baby.

I'm still pissed I can't find a nursing bra. Motherfuckers.

So no, I don't miss nursing. I'll most likely nurse my next baby or babies, assuming I have any, although I doubt it will be for any longer than this round, and I doubt it will be exclusively. And you know what? THAT'S ALL FINE.

Breastfeeding, Continued

So Wednesday after my midwife appointment I had an appointment with one of the lactation consultants on staff at the office. My OB recommended it because last time I saw her, I mentioned some of the issues I brought up in my last breastfeeding post, namely, HI I HAVE THYROID PROBLEMS.

I actually really liked the LC, who is apparently also a nurse, etc. and so on. 

Things we agreed on:

1. Baby getting fed is the absolute most important thing. No, seriously, that is it. Cut line.
2. Because of my thyroid issues, I am way more likely to have supply issues.

She also had some recommendations, including making sure to try and put The Kid to breast as soon and as often as possible, to try to stimulate as much supply as possible. And to keep an eye on my thyroid, because any fluctuation in that is going to affect supply - which, I kind of figured, and we'll be keeping a close watch on it anyway. Also she recommended a hospital-grade pump, which if my insurance doesn't cover that like they're supposed to I will BURN THEIR SHIT DOWN.

We also talked about the potential supplementation options, including supplements for me, and supplementing with formula. Basically, she agrees that the odds of my being able to exclusively breast-feed are low. I can likely do some breastfeeding, but we won't know how much or for how long until we try.

She just seemed very down to earth and pragmatic, which I appreciated. Yes, she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she actually acknowledged and validated my concerns, WHICH IS HUGE AND DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH IN THE BREASTFEEDING SPHERE. She also acknowledged that sometimes the struggle to breastfeed just is not worth it, which is also huge. So much pro-breastfeeding rhetoric really just does not acknowledge that there are costs to the person breastfeeding, and sometimes it is not worth it. (Just wait until I write up a post about this pin I saw, "101 reasons to breastfeed"... oh my holy fucking dark lord.)

So basically, yes, I was right, I am likely to have supply problems, there are potentially some things we can do about them, but, as she said, we go in to it knowing in advance what the potential problems will be and work with them as they come up. And whatever winds up happening, winds up  happening, and if I switch to part or even all formula, hey, so long as the baby is getting enough food, we're all good.

THANK FUCK.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 33

[Contents: medical, TMI, weight discussion, fat hate]

Wait, 33? Is it really 33 weeks?

This whole time I have had no trouble knowing exactly how many weeks and days along I am, and now I'm just like SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT RARRR LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

But I can tell you that in just under three weeks, I get to stop the progesterone. I picked up my last refill of that the other day. And in just under four weeks I get the cerclage taken out. At my OB appointment this week I definitely had my doctor WAY UP IN MY BITS THANK YOU to check on cervical position and cerclage status. Apparently everything feels good and we should have no trouble just taking the cerclage out in the office at 37 weeks.

After that comes out, who knows what'll happen. When she put it in, my MFM specialist warned me that some people get it taken out and basically proceed directly to hospital for baby-birthin' time without passing go, some people go home and don't start labor until like 41 weeks. Like many things with pregnancy, IT IS A MYSTERY.

I'm getting kind of ready to be done though.

I mean, I don't want the kid showing up until April. PLEASE, DARK LORD, NO. But while I certainly chose to get pregnant, and I do not in any way regret this choice, fucking a this shit is getting old. I'm kind of over the tireds. I'm kind of over the painful hips. I'm kind of over the nausea OH YES IT'S BACK, I'm way over nothing in the way of food or drink sounding or tasting particularly good, I'm so far fucking over the hormonal bullshit, I'm getting over the times that The Kid makes me even MORE nauseated as they burble around in there, I cannot wait to be able to stop taking the prenatal vitamins that make me gag more often than not STILL, I'm JUST ABOUT DONE.

Conveniently, I am just about done, but, you know.

 Also about halfway through writing this I had to stop and eat dinner, and it dawned on me "HEY MAYBE THIS IS YOUR THYROID" and it actually probably is. While unrelenting tired, appetite problems, and mood swings are all pregnancy symptoms and are the short summary of this past week, cold spots on my thighs and ass are not - those are definitely my thyroid. So is the brain fog. YAY AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE yes I have emailed my doctor and I have lab orders to check shit already.

Meanwhile, I have gained weight (although now that I know my thyroid swung a bit I wonder how much is that HA HA GOOD TIMES) and am FINALLY above my starting weight. Barely. If I am doing the math right, I did gain more than the "recommended" pound per week, and I'm sure if my blood pressure weren't fucking terrific my doctors would be freaking out, but that shit is the lowest it's been at any point during this pregnancy for the past two weeks. Instead I got "oh your weight looks okay" - not "we're happy with your weight" any more, I NOTE.

Plus I have literally no swelling. Seriously, none. I'm trying really hard to not get a bad case of the smugs about it. At my appointment this week my OB complimented me "Oh how smart you got a pretty chain to put [your wedding ring] on", because the necklace I was wearing has a pretty silver circular pendant with a small diamond in it. So I held up my left hand with my wedding ring on it and waggled it and said "Oh no, I'm still wearing it". She was surprised. The damn thing is LOOSE on me. Like it spins gleefully around my finger all damn day when I wear it. Trying and mostly failing to not have the smugs.

Also at my appointment this week, I brought up "hey by the way I have thyroid disease and while I do plan on trying to breastfeed, there's not a lot of good information out there about it, do y'all have anything?" and apparently they have a lactation consultant on staff who may have some stuff. So my OB is giving her a heads up so she can do some additional research and I have an appointment with her later this month.

I'm sure my insurance will try to charge me a co-pay for that visit, even though according to the ACA they're not allowed to any more. They definitely charged me a co-pay for when I got tested for a UTI, so I get to fight with them about that. My insurance company also does not have my plan's summary of benefits and coverage available on their subscriber portal - those are required to be available to me by law. They also charged me a whole fuckton of money for my cerclage, for each of the ultrasounds I got, keep trying to charge me co-pays for pre-natal visits... basically, they are terrible and I am super-sick of having to fight them on everything. I can't even get an answer from them about whether I'm supposed to "pre-certify" for my hospital baby delivery, which I need to know for the hospital paperwork that I really need to send in ASAP. So that's fun.

In more annoying shit The Man and I started taking childbirth classes this week, starting with "Infant Care". If you look at the outline on the website, this class is supposed to be 2.5 hours all about "oh shit now I have the kid home WHAT DO I DO". So covering feeding, bathing, clothes, car seats, sleeping, etc. and so on. I know this shit, because I've literally been through it with a sister who is nearly 13 years younger than me, with all of the babies I've cared for over the years, etc. and so on, so I was like wev about it. But The Man has literally zero childcare experience, so we thought it would be a good idea to learn some of this from a neutral, non-hormonal third party.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH which, that was a good plan, if that were what the class had actually been. I ranted about this on Twitter for a while on Sunday, but basically, our instructor was terrible and kept talking about shit the nurses do in the hospital, there was less than half an hour of hands-on practice (which only covered bathing and changing a diaper), she covered approximately none of the stuff in the packets we were given (which was all of the stuff we were led to believe the class would be about), talked way too fast, went fifteen minutes over, did not give us evaluations to fill out, and the class was in a room that you HAD TO USE STAIRS TO GET IN TO. So I'm writing a very long letter to the department overseeing this about all of THAT. It was a waste of our $55 and a waste of our Sunday afternoon.

This Sunday starts our actual "SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY" classes, that cover birthing techniques, the hospital tour, all that happy crap. Hopefully it's significantly better.

Finally, do y'all even see my belly? I mean holy shit. Also it is definitely starting to move lower. And while it's not clear in the picture, my waist has been getting... flatter. Like, I used to have a really deep crease right through my belly button dividing my belly, and that's flattening out. Also The Kid has pretty consistently been head-down these past few weeks. I have a foot wedged up under my rib cage on my right side. SO PLEASANT, THANK YOU CHILD.

I Will Formula Feed Out Of Spite, I Swear To Maude

[Contents: parent-shaming, gender essentialism]

So here is what is setting me off:



I saw a few people tweeting about this; I first saw it from @DrJaneChi. The image is of a brochure holder in a doctor's office. The headline is "Save a Life. Donate Milk...". The brochure has what appears to be a white premature baby on the cover, with the same "Save a Life, Donate Milk..." text. The text on the brochure holder is as follows; emphasis original:

"Make a difference in the life of a child by becoming a milk donor.

Babies in hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Units depend on this life saving nourishment to thrive when their own mother's milk is not available.

To learn about our non-profit organization or how to donate, visit: MilkBankColorado.org"

Then there's the logo for the milk bank and some pretty colored banding at the bottom.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear before we go on: I do not have a problem with breast milk banks or donation in and of themselves.

What I have a problem with here is the strong implication that breast milk and ONLY breast milk is what infants in the NICU can be fed, and ONLY breast milk can make sure that they don't die. Which is not only factually incorrect, but incredibly shaming and stigmatizing to people who choose formula, for whatever reason they choose it.

That is incredibly harmful.

It is incredibly harmful because there are a number of people who cannot breastfeed, and what you've just told them is that if, gods forbid, their kid winds up in the NICU, ONLY breast milk will allow them to survive and thrive, so they better hope and pray someone donates, because it's their only hope.

It is incredibly harmful because it's yet more parent-shaming heaped on women, almost exclusively women, about how their choices are actively harming their baby, when those choices are doing nothing of the sort. It's the same "YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER FOR NOT BREASTFEEDING" shit that is all over the fuck place. It's using the specter of dead babies to guilt trip people in to breastfeeding.

It's incredibly harmful because it implies that people who are breastfeeding but do not make enough breast milk to donate for whatever reason are less good people than those that DO donate, because only those that donate can save NICU baby lives.

It's incredibly harmful because as I have written about before, not every pregnant person is a woman, not every pregnant person is or becomes a mother or even wants to be.

It is incredibly harmful because it is just. plain. wrong.

And for those who are like WELL IT SAYS NOTHING OF THE SORT, well, no, sit down. Because the exact message I got out of this was "only breast milk will save NICU babies" and "ps breast is best you're bad if you don't do it and ps MAKE MORE SO YOU CAN DONATE AND BE AN EVEN BETTER PERSON." And it's not like I had to sit and think and read between the lines. I'm not sitting here looking for shit to get mad about, which is another popular accusation. The message is pretty damn clear.

This is the sort of shit I'm talking about when I say I am planning to breastfeed in spite of pro-breastfeeding rhetoric, not because of it. I mean, I'll admit, spite is a powerful motivator in my life, and I also plan on enjoying the spitefulness of breastfeeding in public and making all the assholes who are against it squirm. But the more pro-breastfeeding stuff I read, the less I want to breastfeed. And if there's more of this stuff, I swear to Maude, I will formula feed just to spite the people who think like this. (If you think I won't, you obviously have never met me.)

Formula does not kill babies, not even NICU babies. And if you can't make an argument for breastfeeding without either implying or directly stating that, your argument is shit. If you can't even make a pitch for breastmilk donation without relying on the specter of dead babies, your argument is really shit, and you should be ashamed of yourself for the harm you are perpetuating. Because make no mistake, you ARE causing harm. So long as their child is receiving sufficient, safe food, no parent should ever be shamed for how they choose to feed their child. EVER.

"Have You Thought About How You're Going to Feed the Baby?"

[Contents: medical, gender essentialism, fat hate]

That was one of the questions I got asked yesterday in my prenatal appointment with the midwife.

She's not new to the practice, but I hadn't seen her before, and we actually had a good discussion on the framing of that question. She talked about how she had used to say "So are you planning on breastfeeding?" and after some feedback and looking in to things, realized that could be incredibly stigmatizing towards people who could not or chose not to breastfeed. So, good for her. Especially since so much of the pro-breastfeeding rhetoric that's out there is stigmatizing, shaming, and guilt-tripping bullshit.

I tweeted about this the other day, but I ran across an article entitled "Is breastfeeding the key to mother-baby bonding?" And the answer is NOPE NEXT QUESTION, again, as I tweeted. But if that article is intended to get more people to breastfeed their babies, that's not going to do it. Because what that title is really saying is "fyi, if you don't breastfeed your baby, you're a BAD MOM and you WON'T BOND with your kid." Which is false false falsity false... but when you hear that message often enough, it starts sinking in.

I also mentioned, both to the midwife and to Twitter, that I planned on breastfeeding, in spite of a lot of the pro-breastfeeding stuff that was out there. And that's really the case for me. Honestly, The Man being pro-breastfeeding did way more to convince me to try it than anything I've ever read or heard on the subject. I was formula-fed, as were my siblings, and really, I don't have a problem with formula feeding. (I have problems with formula manufacturers, but not formula in and of itself.)

The thing of it is, I don't know that breastfeeding is going to work, for a couple of reasons.

One, supposedly breastfeeding requires you to consume an extra 500 calories a day, above and beyond what you ate during pregnancy. Okay, I haven't read any good studies on it, but on its face, that passes the sniff test, if you will. It makes sense that you're going to need some extra fuel in order to produce food for an entire other being. You're also supposed to drink plenty of water - again, makes sense. But here's my problem: I apparently can't eat enough to even gain weight during pregnancy. I lost three pounds this past month, as I transitioned in to my third trimester, where "typical" weight gain is a pound a week. Instead I lost almost a pound a week. Let's not even get in to my fucked up issues with food from my past - I really have been pretty damn good about fooding myself on the regular once I got over the constant fucking nausea. But even with that, it seems I cannot eat enough.

I also know that I don't often drink enough water. When I get really dehydrated, I start getting Braxton-Hicks contractions. That's considered typical (although apparently I started getting those much earlier than most people, WHOOPS sorry care providers; I've always been precocious), but jeezy muffin creezy I'm supposed to drink EVEN MORE WATER? Oh fuck.

I just don't know that I'll be able to keep up with eating and drinking enough to actually do this.

Secondly, that's all complicated by the fact that I am hypothyroid, and most likely have Hashimoto's disease. I haven't been officially diagnosed with Hashi's... but I meet every criteria, including the presence of TPO antibodies above and beyond what's considered "normal" in a woman my age. It's also the most common cause of hypothyroidism, so HAHA WELP. There isn't a ton of research in to hypothyroidism of any stripe and breastfeeding, but what's out there suggests that breastfeeding is more difficult with hypothyroidism. The TPO antibodies, so far as we know, are not secreted in breastmilk (which is good), but people with hypothyroidism are more likely to have significant supply issues.

Plus, we just started regulating my thyroid, and fixing all of the problems that come along with a borked thyroid (which, in case you forgot, include severe iron deficiency, severe vitamin D deficiency, a totally wack metabolism, B12 deficiency, and more) less than a year ago. I'm quite honestly a bit shocked a, that I even got pregnant, and b, that I've been able to stay pregnant while some of this shit is still regulating. (And yes, it still is - I can tell from symptoms, but even without that, it was probably fucked for twenty years. It ain't gonna fix itself in nine months.) Even by the time The Kid is born, it will STILL be less than a year that I'll have been in treatment. And while my iron and D counts are still slowly creeping up, they have slowed down their upward movement in pregnancy. In other words, things are improving, but not as quickly, because pregnancy is an additional stress and draw on those resources.

This is why when I got an email from yesterday's midwife about "oh yeah, your blood work was normal, your iron looks good for this point in pregnancy", I laughed. Lady, my hematocrit and hemoglobin slid down again and are both below normal, and my MCV is still below normal. I'm still fighting for iron and having trouble hanging on to it. "I recommend you continue taking your current vitamins and supplements" also made me laugh. THERE WAS NO CHANCE I WAS STOPPING ANY TIME SOON, THANKS. Especially since that's all being managed by my pcp - who is tracking my ferritin, that is, stored iron, not just the circulating iron. It's the ferritin that was dangerously low and that we're working on bringing up. As of December, it was at 51. After supplementing since July. It should be around 80. Yeah. Got a ways to go on that one.

Which also raises the question, how nutritious is any breastmilk I manage to make going to be? And, if it's like pregnancy, wherein the fetus and placenta basically override my needs for nutrients and steal shit like calcium right out of my damn TEETH if they need it... what cost will I have to pay? How healthy is that going to be for me?

Plus, people with  Hashi's are more likely to have significant thyroid problems in the post-partum period. In other words, it's very likely that shit's going to get wild with my thyroid. So with that, on top of "hey things aren't actually totally regulated yet WHEE", and then trying to breastfeed? Oh yeah shit could get real interesting, real quick.

Finally... if you look at the pictures in all of the breastfeeding literature? Fat people don't breastfeed. People with very large breasts like mine don't breastfeed. People like me don't use breastfeeding aids like Boppy or My Brest Friend (NOT KIDDING, THAT'S THE NAME) pillows, because they aren't big enough. If I want to use a pillow to help support The Kid, I either have to make one, or make due with other pillows, because there just aren't purpose-made pillows manufactured to fit someone like me. There aren't a lot of options for nursing bras even in my current size, much less if my breasts get even bigger (which they probably will), or clothing made to make nursing easier. All of those nursing covers? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH nope too small.

I have no idea if any of the lactation consultants will even know how to work with someone shaped like me. You would think they would... and yet doctors and other care providers often don't, so I don't assume they will. Which could mean that for the most part, I'm going to be on my own, without a lot of professional support. Which is also not a guaranteed recipe for disaster - the lactation consultant is, after all, a recent invention - but it's not like breastfeeding was something my family has done recently either, you know? My mom is definitely pro whatever my plans are, but she doesn't have practical experience with them. Even most of the people I know who are pro-breastfeeding, give breastfeeding advice, etc. are not fat folk.

So yeah I'm planning on breastfeeding, and if you want to be all like "WELL YOU ARE GETTING DISCOURAGED BEFORE YOU START YOU ARE BAD", go fuck yourself. I'm also signing up for formula coupons just in case. And preparing for the onslaught of BREAST IS BEST and OH BUT YOU SHOULDN'T SUPPLEMENT and all of the other bullshit, including, I'm sure, guilt from some folks if I switch to formula. Fuck it. Kid's getting fed no matter what. But shit, can we drop most of how we talk about breastfeeding and how we "encourage" people to do it? Because it's really not encouraging at all.