[Contents: medical, tmi, weight, mention of previous miscarriage]
WHY AM I STILL PREGNANT
Okay before I go any further, let me make a few things clear: one, I am so not looking for advice, so please miss me with that. Two, I really, really do not want anyone saying to me "oh but first babies are almost always late", "most pregnancies go past their due date", "only x% of babies arrive on their due date", or any variation thereof.
Partly because I know all of the statistics already, thanks, and partly because THIS WAS IN NO WAY WHAT I WAS LED TO BELIEVE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
"Oh well ha ha no one can predi-" SHUT. THE. ENTIRE. FUCK. UP.
If you've been reading for a while, you know that I have (had? maybe at this point "had" is more appropriate) a number of risk factors for pre-term birth, including thyroid disease, a history of spontaneous miscarriage, vaginal bleeding during pregnancy, a short cervix (including having an emergency cerclage put in), low pregnancy weight gain, and anti-thyroid antibodies. Basically, every single care provider I have seen at this point is extremely shocked that I made it to 38 weeks, NEVER EVEN MIND THAT I AM PAST 40 WEEKS NOW.
For anyone who would like to spout some "oh but your dates are probably off tee hee" shit, no, they're not. I know the exact date I fucking ovulated, which was confirmed by a very early ultrasound, so fuck off. While I do think that the method most often used to date a pregnancy, Naegele's Rule, does play a role in the fact that more pregnancies go past 40 weeks than not, that was not the method used to date my pregnancy.
Even more fun: for pregnant folks with ultrasound-indicated cerclages (LIKE MINE), on average they deliver about 2 weeks after cerclage removal. (This is a PDF of one of the studies looking at this sort of thing. I have not been able to find a non-PDF source yet, but if I do, I'll add it.) So mean delivery time is just under 14 days after cerclage removal, plus or minus 10 days. Tomorrow will be that "plus 10 days" point for me. I had my cerclage out over three weeks ago.
There is still no sign that I will be delivering this kid any time soon. Oh sure, I've been having contractions off and on since two days after the cerclage removal. Bloody show? Check; that was three weeks ago too. On multiple occasions, I have had contractions 10 minutes apart for an hour, even 5 minutes apart for an hour. I've had contractions that have made me stop what I was doing, or made me lean against the wall, take deep breaths, actually say "fuck, ow". Before anyone tries to lecture me "Oh well Braxton-Hicks can be painful", if they were Braxton-Hicks, I'd kind of expect them to stop when I laid down and drank a couple glasses of water, which is NOT WHAT HAPPENS, so you can also shut the entire fuck up. I was 2 cm dilated THREE POINT FIVE WEEKS AGO, and 50% effaced. The Kid was at -2 engagement (translation: head dropped in to my pelvis, but not quite all the way.) As of Wednesday, THAT HAS NOT CHANGED.
Sunday, we thought maybe something was happening. From Sunday in to Monday, I had contractions about half an hour apart for OVER 24 HOURS. Monday afternoon, they stopped for a bit, then came back 10 minutes apart. We thought for sure that would be it, especially since we live in Boston, Monday was the Boston Marathon, and getting anywhere on Marathon Monday is THE biggest pain in the ass. Then the contractions stopped.
Tuesday I didn't have much, except that all of a sudden, huh, wow, some sort of watery vaginal discharge where there wasn't before! Could this be amniotic fluid? MAYBE. So I watch and wait and yeah, five hours later, still slowly leaking a bit, so I call my doctor's office. I wouldn't have cared, except that I am Group B Strep positive, which, long story short, means if my water breaks, I need to proceed directly to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Regardless of when my water breaks - which, it's more likely to break in active labor than beforehand, but wev - I need to receive antibiotics every four hours during active labor, and ideally I'd have at least 2 doses before The Kid arrives.) So I call. And I'm like, I'm not sure, but it's enough of a change and I know that if it is amniotic fluid, we need to take steps, and the OB on call agreed, so about 11:45 Tuesday night we headed to the hospital.
No, I did not post anything on Twitter about it, no we did not call our parents, because fuck if I'm getting everyone excited for something just as likely to be a false alarm.
Which it was.
We get to the hospital, they hook me up to the monitors, The Kid kicks the monitors, they test to see if it's amniotic fluid, it's not, thankfully neither the nurse nor the midwife gave me much of that condescending "oh it's your first pregnancy you clearly don't know what's going on" shit or else someone would have died, we got sent home.
Yesterday, I'm in the shower, and holy shit, here I am leaning against the wall because OW. Every seven minutes, OW. I start thinking about calling The Man and saying hey, maybe you should think about leaving work. I ponder this for about ten minutes, during which point the contractions stop. I get up, walk around, fold some laundry, eat some beans and rice, hahahahah NOPE we're done for the day.
I consider shanking some motherfuckers. Which, honestly, my interests right now are first and foremost, HAVING A DAMN KID ALREADY JEEBUS, sleeping, eating (mostly beans and rice, because oh my fucking god beans and rice is so delicious), and SHANKING MOTHERFUCKERS.
Meanwhile my pelvis is still a floppy, relaxin-fucked mess, I have weird stretch marks all over my belly, my belly dropped OH RIGHT LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO ALREADY, I have not been able to find new bras (which I made the mistake of tweeting about... I'm totally shocked the random person on Twitter who insisted no no, they totally make stretchy multiple-cup sized bras in your size hasn't gotten back to me yet... BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES THOSE IN MY SIZE IT'S LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING), thank fuck I still have pants and shirts that fit, I'm getting sick of packing my meds and glasses and chargers and shit every time I leave the house, and if one more person asks me "still pregnant?" or any variation thereof, I will be announcing The Kid's arrival AT LEAST A MONTH AFTERWARDS YOU CAN ALL JUST GO SCREW.
Showing posts with label hypothyroid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hypothyroid. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Breastfeeding, Continued
So Wednesday after my midwife appointment I had an appointment with one of the lactation consultants on staff at the office. My OB recommended it because last time I saw her, I mentioned some of the issues I brought up in my last breastfeeding post, namely, HI I HAVE THYROID PROBLEMS.
I actually really liked the LC, who is apparently also a nurse, etc. and so on.
Things we agreed on:
We also talked about the potential supplementation options, including supplements for me, and supplementing with formula. Basically, she agrees that the odds of my being able to exclusively breast-feed are low. I can likely do some breastfeeding, but we won't know how much or for how long until we try.
She just seemed very down to earth and pragmatic, which I appreciated. Yes, she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she actually acknowledged and validated my concerns, WHICH IS HUGE AND DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH IN THE BREASTFEEDING SPHERE. She also acknowledged that sometimes the struggle to breastfeed just is not worth it, which is also huge. So much pro-breastfeeding rhetoric really just does not acknowledge that there are costs to the person breastfeeding, and sometimes it is not worth it. (Just wait until I write up a post about this pin I saw, "101 reasons to breastfeed"... oh my holy fucking dark lord.)
So basically, yes, I was right, I am likely to have supply problems, there are potentially some things we can do about them, but, as she said, we go in to it knowing in advance what the potential problems will be and work with them as they come up. And whatever winds up happening, winds up happening, and if I switch to part or even all formula, hey, so long as the baby is getting enough food, we're all good.
THANK FUCK.
I actually really liked the LC, who is apparently also a nurse, etc. and so on.
Things we agreed on:
- Baby getting fed is the absolute most important thing. No, seriously, that is it. Cut line.
- Because of my thyroid issues, I am way more likely to have supply issues.
We also talked about the potential supplementation options, including supplements for me, and supplementing with formula. Basically, she agrees that the odds of my being able to exclusively breast-feed are low. I can likely do some breastfeeding, but we won't know how much or for how long until we try.
She just seemed very down to earth and pragmatic, which I appreciated. Yes, she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she actually acknowledged and validated my concerns, WHICH IS HUGE AND DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH IN THE BREASTFEEDING SPHERE. She also acknowledged that sometimes the struggle to breastfeed just is not worth it, which is also huge. So much pro-breastfeeding rhetoric really just does not acknowledge that there are costs to the person breastfeeding, and sometimes it is not worth it. (Just wait until I write up a post about this pin I saw, "101 reasons to breastfeed"... oh my holy fucking dark lord.)
So basically, yes, I was right, I am likely to have supply problems, there are potentially some things we can do about them, but, as she said, we go in to it knowing in advance what the potential problems will be and work with them as they come up. And whatever winds up happening, winds up happening, and if I switch to part or even all formula, hey, so long as the baby is getting enough food, we're all good.
THANK FUCK.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 35
[contents: medical, TMI, menstruation, fat hate]
Lately I have found great enjoyment from putting my hands on my belly, looking at The Man, and intoning "SOON" as creepily as possible.
Because SOON.
Nesting has returned in full force. Last Friday I was all kinds of anxious and cranky, and I decided to wash a load of baby clothes, and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE. I haven't folded them yet - that is kind of waiting for me to make the drawer organizers for the dresser - but they're CLEAN.
I also started packing my hospital bag, which also made me feel better about my life. And started packing the diaper bag with things to bring to the hospital for The Kid. Thoughts I have had include "oh, hey, this neato microfiber car seat cover, that's a good thing to stick in the bag", and "oh hey, all of these new gigantic cloth pads you just bought, those should go in your hospital bag", and "OMG YOU NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BUY SPECIAL HOSPITAL UNDERWEAR". That last one I talked myself out of.
Okay yeah, theoretically the hospital provides underwear for you for postpartum. I have read so many blogs extolling the virtues of the "mesh granny panties" from the hospital. Yeah, so, I had some right after my surgery in December, and, no. No, the standard size is not sized for fat folk like me. So while maybe the hospital I'll be delivering at has bigger ones (and I plan on asking during the hospital tour), I'm assuming hahahaha nope they won't and bringing some of my own underwear with me. All of the blogs assure me this is a TERRIBLE idea, because there will be BLOOD and LEAKING and BODILY FLUIDS all over, but uh, you know, mesh panties that don't fit me aren't going to stop it either, so maybe let's wear knickers that actually fit and use pads that are actually comfortable and fit instead of the giant monstrosities that are hospital pads (seriously. They're like a giant pillow in your crotch, except made of scratchy paper and somehow STILL not in the right place, even though they are LITERALLY AS LONG AS MY FOREARM). You know.
So I've put in some cheapie knit underwear I have but never wear, and some underwear I bought on sale at Christmas but managed to get the wrong size and then I exchanged them but managed to get the wrong cut but you know if they get ruined I won't cry, and we're going to go from there.
I've also got a pair of slippers I picked up for a mere $7 post-Christmas, since the hospital is VERY ADAMANT that I be wearing socks and/or slippers at all times "for safety and hygiene purposes". And a giant fuzzy blue robe that I got for like $20, so that when my in-laws inevitably visit us all in the hospital I can look something approaching put together. And since they weren't super expensive, if all the blogs are right and everything is going to be leaked on and ruined, it's not the end of my world.
I'm also trying not to obsess over the "coming home" outfit for The Kid. I have no idea how big they will be, and no idea if I should just bring something easy like one of those snap-up footie pajama outfits, or something more elaborate, and if I do bring something omg WHAT SIZE, and should I bring a couple sizes, and what if I'm WRONG and oh my GODS. And logically I know that it doesn't have to be the MOST PRECIOUS OUTFIT IN THE WORLD (we can save that for pictures for the baby announcements), it just has to be cute, and I can put like two different sizes in there and if, for some reason, neither of them works, OUR HOUSE IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY I CAN SEND THE MAN HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.
BUT WHAT SHOULD I PICK AAAAAAHHHHHHH.
The Man and I have also been attending baby-havin' classes. The hospital calls the course "Prepared Childbirth", but whatever, baby-havin' classes. Thankfully these are better than the infant care class we took a few weeks ago that was omfg awful (and yes, I did just mail a letter to the department enumerating the many problems with that shit... and hinting that I'd like my goddamn $55 back THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Our instructor is a little spacey sometimes, and mispronounces "centimeters", but generally pretty good. (Her pronunciation is like a mash-up of "sonogram" and "centimeters", so it sounds like "sonometers", which... yeah I don't know.) I do find it difficult sometimes to not pipe up when she's answering a question with what I've found out in the research, but mostly I bite my tongue. I don't want to be that asshole, you know? BUT I KNOW THINGS OKAY YES I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS OKAY LOOK SERIOUSLY NO THAT CONDITION IS NOT LINKED TO THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY.
Ahem.
It is kind of nice to be around other pregnant people and talk about that shit though. And there's someone in class due on the exact same day as me, so that's fun. There's also one other kind-of fat pregnant person in the class - although I have no idea how they'd describe themselves - which is pretty awesome too. They were also the one to speak up last week when everyone was describing unmedicated vaginal birth as "natural" and call out how bullshit and stigmatizing that was, so HI FRIEND LET'S BE FRIENDS.
Shit I am Not Worried About includes labor and delivery, and how to take care of The Kid afterwards. Which damn BLANKET to bring to the hospital? MOMENTOUS ANXIETY. Labor? Wev. Delivery? Meh. Basic baby care? Yeah it's cool. Even knowing that I might have a 10-pound baby? Yeah it's fine, I know people who've birthed big babies vaginally and unmedicated, I am not concerned. This is... not the common attitude in our baby-havin' class.
Meanwhile my MIL is holding a baby shower for us in like a week and a half and she's REALLY EXCITED OKAY. She also asked "OH SO SHOULD WE HAVE YOUR MOM AND DAD SKYPE IN" and I made an executive decision NO on that one. I get that she's trying to be nice and make this wonderful, since this will be the only in-person baby shower I'm having. And that really is lovely of her. But um, it's going to be the only in-person shower because HI I HATE BABY SHOWERS, AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANY BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FOR ME. I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE CONSENTED TO THIS ONE IF I DIDN'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU WERE SUPER-SAD THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRIDAL SHOWER. I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE SOME INTERESTING EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS, THANKS. Also having my folks dialed in is not going to make anything better or less awkward for me. So like I said, executive decision, NOPE.
I am not looking forward to the baby shower.
Physically, turns out that I was right about how tired I was a week ago - that was probably my thyroid deciding to be an asshole for a week. THANKS AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. My hips are also doing marginally better this week, although it is still the world's biggest production to move around in bed. I also added a waterproof, absorbs-up-to-five-cups-of-fluid pad to my side of the bed under the sheets. Just in case. Except that it totally has a plastic back, so that shit does not breathe, and it moves around with and under the sheets, which is also less fun. So when I wake up, inevitably in four hours or less, my hip and leg I'm laying on are not only sore, but slightly sticky from laying on something with a plastic back. So far, I am convinced this is a better plan than my water breaking in bed and ruining our memory foam topper and mattress. We'll see how long that lasts.
My belly is still getting bigger. OMG SO MUCH BELLY. My bellybutton has not popped, as I was told that NO REALLY EVERYONE'S DOES, but it has gotten... flatter. Like, it's normally pretty deep, and in kind of a crease in my belly, and as that crease has flattened out so has my belly button. It's weird and feels weird when I touch it.
The Kid also seems to be doing fine. There are few kicks, and more... burbling. Like, there's movement, and my belly moves, and ugh super weird, but it's... not as violent. JUST EXTREMELY CREEPY. Like as I was typing this paragraph I looked down and was watching The Kid move my belly. SO WEIRD. SO. INCREDIBLY. WEIRD. Also there is still a foot wedged up under my ribs and OW.
Today's midwife appointment also went well, I gained 2 more pounds so I am a whopping FOUR POUNDS over my starting weight now YEAHHHHHH. I am happier about this than any of my care providers. So if that's going to be the case, I might find a new practice for next time. But no swelling, blood pressure looks great, blah blah blah oh shit you mean the fat lady is still having a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy at this point THE HELL YOU SAY.
No but seriously BELLY EVERWHERE.
Lately I have found great enjoyment from putting my hands on my belly, looking at The Man, and intoning "SOON" as creepily as possible.
Because SOON.
Nesting has returned in full force. Last Friday I was all kinds of anxious and cranky, and I decided to wash a load of baby clothes, and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE. I haven't folded them yet - that is kind of waiting for me to make the drawer organizers for the dresser - but they're CLEAN.
I also started packing my hospital bag, which also made me feel better about my life. And started packing the diaper bag with things to bring to the hospital for The Kid. Thoughts I have had include "oh, hey, this neato microfiber car seat cover, that's a good thing to stick in the bag", and "oh hey, all of these new gigantic cloth pads you just bought, those should go in your hospital bag", and "OMG YOU NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BUY SPECIAL HOSPITAL UNDERWEAR". That last one I talked myself out of.
Okay yeah, theoretically the hospital provides underwear for you for postpartum. I have read so many blogs extolling the virtues of the "mesh granny panties" from the hospital. Yeah, so, I had some right after my surgery in December, and, no. No, the standard size is not sized for fat folk like me. So while maybe the hospital I'll be delivering at has bigger ones (and I plan on asking during the hospital tour), I'm assuming hahahaha nope they won't and bringing some of my own underwear with me. All of the blogs assure me this is a TERRIBLE idea, because there will be BLOOD and LEAKING and BODILY FLUIDS all over, but uh, you know, mesh panties that don't fit me aren't going to stop it either, so maybe let's wear knickers that actually fit and use pads that are actually comfortable and fit instead of the giant monstrosities that are hospital pads (seriously. They're like a giant pillow in your crotch, except made of scratchy paper and somehow STILL not in the right place, even though they are LITERALLY AS LONG AS MY FOREARM). You know.
So I've put in some cheapie knit underwear I have but never wear, and some underwear I bought on sale at Christmas but managed to get the wrong size and then I exchanged them but managed to get the wrong cut but you know if they get ruined I won't cry, and we're going to go from there.
I've also got a pair of slippers I picked up for a mere $7 post-Christmas, since the hospital is VERY ADAMANT that I be wearing socks and/or slippers at all times "for safety and hygiene purposes". And a giant fuzzy blue robe that I got for like $20, so that when my in-laws inevitably visit us all in the hospital I can look something approaching put together. And since they weren't super expensive, if all the blogs are right and everything is going to be leaked on and ruined, it's not the end of my world.
I'm also trying not to obsess over the "coming home" outfit for The Kid. I have no idea how big they will be, and no idea if I should just bring something easy like one of those snap-up footie pajama outfits, or something more elaborate, and if I do bring something omg WHAT SIZE, and should I bring a couple sizes, and what if I'm WRONG and oh my GODS. And logically I know that it doesn't have to be the MOST PRECIOUS OUTFIT IN THE WORLD (we can save that for pictures for the baby announcements), it just has to be cute, and I can put like two different sizes in there and if, for some reason, neither of them works, OUR HOUSE IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY I CAN SEND THE MAN HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.
BUT WHAT SHOULD I PICK AAAAAAHHHHHHH.
The Man and I have also been attending baby-havin' classes. The hospital calls the course "Prepared Childbirth", but whatever, baby-havin' classes. Thankfully these are better than the infant care class we took a few weeks ago that was omfg awful (and yes, I did just mail a letter to the department enumerating the many problems with that shit... and hinting that I'd like my goddamn $55 back THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Our instructor is a little spacey sometimes, and mispronounces "centimeters", but generally pretty good. (Her pronunciation is like a mash-up of "sonogram" and "centimeters", so it sounds like "sonometers", which... yeah I don't know.) I do find it difficult sometimes to not pipe up when she's answering a question with what I've found out in the research, but mostly I bite my tongue. I don't want to be that asshole, you know? BUT I KNOW THINGS OKAY YES I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS OKAY LOOK SERIOUSLY NO THAT CONDITION IS NOT LINKED TO THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY.
Ahem.
It is kind of nice to be around other pregnant people and talk about that shit though. And there's someone in class due on the exact same day as me, so that's fun. There's also one other kind-of fat pregnant person in the class - although I have no idea how they'd describe themselves - which is pretty awesome too. They were also the one to speak up last week when everyone was describing unmedicated vaginal birth as "natural" and call out how bullshit and stigmatizing that was, so HI FRIEND LET'S BE FRIENDS.
Shit I am Not Worried About includes labor and delivery, and how to take care of The Kid afterwards. Which damn BLANKET to bring to the hospital? MOMENTOUS ANXIETY. Labor? Wev. Delivery? Meh. Basic baby care? Yeah it's cool. Even knowing that I might have a 10-pound baby? Yeah it's fine, I know people who've birthed big babies vaginally and unmedicated, I am not concerned. This is... not the common attitude in our baby-havin' class.
Meanwhile my MIL is holding a baby shower for us in like a week and a half and she's REALLY EXCITED OKAY. She also asked "OH SO SHOULD WE HAVE YOUR MOM AND DAD SKYPE IN" and I made an executive decision NO on that one. I get that she's trying to be nice and make this wonderful, since this will be the only in-person baby shower I'm having. And that really is lovely of her. But um, it's going to be the only in-person shower because HI I HATE BABY SHOWERS, AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANY BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FOR ME. I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE CONSENTED TO THIS ONE IF I DIDN'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU WERE SUPER-SAD THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRIDAL SHOWER. I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE SOME INTERESTING EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS, THANKS. Also having my folks dialed in is not going to make anything better or less awkward for me. So like I said, executive decision, NOPE.
I am not looking forward to the baby shower.
Physically, turns out that I was right about how tired I was a week ago - that was probably my thyroid deciding to be an asshole for a week. THANKS AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. My hips are also doing marginally better this week, although it is still the world's biggest production to move around in bed. I also added a waterproof, absorbs-up-to-five-cups-of-fluid pad to my side of the bed under the sheets. Just in case. Except that it totally has a plastic back, so that shit does not breathe, and it moves around with and under the sheets, which is also less fun. So when I wake up, inevitably in four hours or less, my hip and leg I'm laying on are not only sore, but slightly sticky from laying on something with a plastic back. So far, I am convinced this is a better plan than my water breaking in bed and ruining our memory foam topper and mattress. We'll see how long that lasts.
My belly is still getting bigger. OMG SO MUCH BELLY. My bellybutton has not popped, as I was told that NO REALLY EVERYONE'S DOES, but it has gotten... flatter. Like, it's normally pretty deep, and in kind of a crease in my belly, and as that crease has flattened out so has my belly button. It's weird and feels weird when I touch it.
The Kid also seems to be doing fine. There are few kicks, and more... burbling. Like, there's movement, and my belly moves, and ugh super weird, but it's... not as violent. JUST EXTREMELY CREEPY. Like as I was typing this paragraph I looked down and was watching The Kid move my belly. SO WEIRD. SO. INCREDIBLY. WEIRD. Also there is still a foot wedged up under my ribs and OW.
Today's midwife appointment also went well, I gained 2 more pounds so I am a whopping FOUR POUNDS over my starting weight now YEAHHHHHH. I am happier about this than any of my care providers. So if that's going to be the case, I might find a new practice for next time. But no swelling, blood pressure looks great, blah blah blah oh shit you mean the fat lady is still having a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy at this point THE HELL YOU SAY.
No but seriously BELLY EVERWHERE.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
"Have You Thought About How You're Going to Feed the Baby?"
[Contents: medical, gender essentialism, fat hate]
That was one of the questions I got asked yesterday in my prenatal appointment with the midwife.
She's not new to the practice, but I hadn't seen her before, and we actually had a good discussion on the framing of that question. She talked about how she had used to say "So are you planning on breastfeeding?" and after some feedback and looking in to things, realized that could be incredibly stigmatizing towards people who could not or chose not to breastfeed. So, good for her. Especially since so much of the pro-breastfeeding rhetoric that's out there is stigmatizing, shaming, and guilt-tripping bullshit.
I tweeted about this the other day, but I ran across an article entitled "Is breastfeeding the key to mother-baby bonding?" And the answer is NOPE NEXT QUESTION, again, as I tweeted. But if that article is intended to get more people to breastfeed their babies, that's not going to do it. Because what that title is really saying is "fyi, if you don't breastfeed your baby, you're a BAD MOM and you WON'T BOND with your kid." Which is false false falsity false... but when you hear that message often enough, it starts sinking in.
I also mentioned, both to the midwife and to Twitter, that I planned on breastfeeding, in spite of a lot of the pro-breastfeeding stuff that was out there. And that's really the case for me. Honestly, The Man being pro-breastfeeding did way more to convince me to try it than anything I've ever read or heard on the subject. I was formula-fed, as were my siblings, and really, I don't have a problem with formula feeding. (I have problems with formula manufacturers, but not formula in and of itself.)
The thing of it is, I don't know that breastfeeding is going to work, for a couple of reasons.
One, supposedly breastfeeding requires you to consume an extra 500 calories a day, above and beyond what you ate during pregnancy. Okay, I haven't read any good studies on it, but on its face, that passes the sniff test, if you will. It makes sense that you're going to need some extra fuel in order to produce food for an entire other being. You're also supposed to drink plenty of water - again, makes sense. But here's my problem: I apparently can't eat enough to even gain weight during pregnancy. I lost three pounds this past month, as I transitioned in to my third trimester, where "typical" weight gain is a pound a week. Instead I lost almost a pound a week. Let's not even get in to my fucked up issues with food from my past - I really have been pretty damn good about fooding myself on the regular once I got over the constant fucking nausea. But even with that, it seems I cannot eat enough.
I also know that I don't often drink enough water. When I get really dehydrated, I start getting Braxton-Hicks contractions. That's considered typical (although apparently I started getting those much earlier than most people, WHOOPS sorry care providers; I've always been precocious), but jeezy muffin creezy I'm supposed to drink EVEN MORE WATER? Oh fuck.
I just don't know that I'll be able to keep up with eating and drinking enough to actually do this.
Secondly, that's all complicated by the fact that I am hypothyroid, and most likely have Hashimoto's disease. I haven't been officially diagnosed with Hashi's... but I meet every criteria, including the presence of TPO antibodies above and beyond what's considered "normal" in a woman my age. It's also the most common cause of hypothyroidism, so HAHA WELP. There isn't a ton of research in to hypothyroidism of any stripe and breastfeeding, but what's out there suggests that breastfeeding is more difficult with hypothyroidism. The TPO antibodies, so far as we know, are not secreted in breastmilk (which is good), but people with hypothyroidism are more likely to have significant supply issues.
Plus, we just started regulating my thyroid, and fixing all of the problems that come along with a borked thyroid (which, in case you forgot, include severe iron deficiency, severe vitamin D deficiency, a totally wack metabolism, B12 deficiency, and more) less than a year ago. I'm quite honestly a bit shocked a, that I even got pregnant, and b, that I've been able to stay pregnant while some of this shit is still regulating. (And yes, it still is - I can tell from symptoms, but even without that, it was probably fucked for twenty years. It ain't gonna fix itself in nine months.) Even by the time The Kid is born, it will STILL be less than a year that I'll have been in treatment. And while my iron and D counts are still slowly creeping up, they have slowed down their upward movement in pregnancy. In other words, things are improving, but not as quickly, because pregnancy is an additional stress and draw on those resources.
This is why when I got an email from yesterday's midwife about "oh yeah, your blood work was normal, your iron looks good for this point in pregnancy", I laughed. Lady, my hematocrit and hemoglobin slid down again and are both below normal, and my MCV is still below normal. I'm still fighting for iron and having trouble hanging on to it. "I recommend you continue taking your current vitamins and supplements" also made me laugh. THERE WAS NO CHANCE I WAS STOPPING ANY TIME SOON, THANKS. Especially since that's all being managed by my pcp - who is tracking my ferritin, that is, stored iron, not just the circulating iron. It's the ferritin that was dangerously low and that we're working on bringing up. As of December, it was at 51. After supplementing since July. It should be around 80. Yeah. Got a ways to go on that one.
Which also raises the question, how nutritious is any breastmilk I manage to make going to be? And, if it's like pregnancy, wherein the fetus and placenta basically override my needs for nutrients and steal shit like calcium right out of my damn TEETH if they need it... what cost will I have to pay? How healthy is that going to be for me?
Plus, people with Hashi's are more likely to have significant thyroid problems in the post-partum period. In other words, it's very likely that shit's going to get wild with my thyroid. So with that, on top of "hey things aren't actually totally regulated yet WHEE", and then trying to breastfeed? Oh yeah shit could get real interesting, real quick.
Finally... if you look at the pictures in all of the breastfeeding literature? Fat people don't breastfeed. People with very large breasts like mine don't breastfeed. People like me don't use breastfeeding aids like Boppy or My Brest Friend (NOT KIDDING, THAT'S THE NAME) pillows, because they aren't big enough. If I want to use a pillow to help support The Kid, I either have to make one, or make due with other pillows, because there just aren't purpose-made pillows manufactured to fit someone like me. There aren't a lot of options for nursing bras even in my current size, much less if my breasts get even bigger (which they probably will), or clothing made to make nursing easier. All of those nursing covers? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH nope too small.
I have no idea if any of the lactation consultants will even know how to work with someone shaped like me. You would think they would... and yet doctors and other care providers often don't, so I don't assume they will. Which could mean that for the most part, I'm going to be on my own, without a lot of professional support. Which is also not a guaranteed recipe for disaster - the lactation consultant is, after all, a recent invention - but it's not like breastfeeding was something my family has done recently either, you know? My mom is definitely pro whatever my plans are, but she doesn't have practical experience with them. Even most of the people I know who are pro-breastfeeding, give breastfeeding advice, etc. are not fat folk.
So yeah I'm planning on breastfeeding, and if you want to be all like "WELL YOU ARE GETTING DISCOURAGED BEFORE YOU START YOU ARE BAD", go fuck yourself. I'm also signing up for formula coupons just in case. And preparing for the onslaught of BREAST IS BEST and OH BUT YOU SHOULDN'T SUPPLEMENT and all of the other bullshit, including, I'm sure, guilt from some folks if I switch to formula. Fuck it. Kid's getting fed no matter what. But shit, can we drop most of how we talk about breastfeeding and how we "encourage" people to do it? Because it's really not encouraging at all.
That was one of the questions I got asked yesterday in my prenatal appointment with the midwife.
She's not new to the practice, but I hadn't seen her before, and we actually had a good discussion on the framing of that question. She talked about how she had used to say "So are you planning on breastfeeding?" and after some feedback and looking in to things, realized that could be incredibly stigmatizing towards people who could not or chose not to breastfeed. So, good for her. Especially since so much of the pro-breastfeeding rhetoric that's out there is stigmatizing, shaming, and guilt-tripping bullshit.
I tweeted about this the other day, but I ran across an article entitled "Is breastfeeding the key to mother-baby bonding?" And the answer is NOPE NEXT QUESTION, again, as I tweeted. But if that article is intended to get more people to breastfeed their babies, that's not going to do it. Because what that title is really saying is "fyi, if you don't breastfeed your baby, you're a BAD MOM and you WON'T BOND with your kid." Which is false false falsity false... but when you hear that message often enough, it starts sinking in.
I also mentioned, both to the midwife and to Twitter, that I planned on breastfeeding, in spite of a lot of the pro-breastfeeding stuff that was out there. And that's really the case for me. Honestly, The Man being pro-breastfeeding did way more to convince me to try it than anything I've ever read or heard on the subject. I was formula-fed, as were my siblings, and really, I don't have a problem with formula feeding. (I have problems with formula manufacturers, but not formula in and of itself.)
The thing of it is, I don't know that breastfeeding is going to work, for a couple of reasons.
One, supposedly breastfeeding requires you to consume an extra 500 calories a day, above and beyond what you ate during pregnancy. Okay, I haven't read any good studies on it, but on its face, that passes the sniff test, if you will. It makes sense that you're going to need some extra fuel in order to produce food for an entire other being. You're also supposed to drink plenty of water - again, makes sense. But here's my problem: I apparently can't eat enough to even gain weight during pregnancy. I lost three pounds this past month, as I transitioned in to my third trimester, where "typical" weight gain is a pound a week. Instead I lost almost a pound a week. Let's not even get in to my fucked up issues with food from my past - I really have been pretty damn good about fooding myself on the regular once I got over the constant fucking nausea. But even with that, it seems I cannot eat enough.
I also know that I don't often drink enough water. When I get really dehydrated, I start getting Braxton-Hicks contractions. That's considered typical (although apparently I started getting those much earlier than most people, WHOOPS sorry care providers; I've always been precocious), but jeezy muffin creezy I'm supposed to drink EVEN MORE WATER? Oh fuck.
I just don't know that I'll be able to keep up with eating and drinking enough to actually do this.
Secondly, that's all complicated by the fact that I am hypothyroid, and most likely have Hashimoto's disease. I haven't been officially diagnosed with Hashi's... but I meet every criteria, including the presence of TPO antibodies above and beyond what's considered "normal" in a woman my age. It's also the most common cause of hypothyroidism, so HAHA WELP. There isn't a ton of research in to hypothyroidism of any stripe and breastfeeding, but what's out there suggests that breastfeeding is more difficult with hypothyroidism. The TPO antibodies, so far as we know, are not secreted in breastmilk (which is good), but people with hypothyroidism are more likely to have significant supply issues.
Plus, we just started regulating my thyroid, and fixing all of the problems that come along with a borked thyroid (which, in case you forgot, include severe iron deficiency, severe vitamin D deficiency, a totally wack metabolism, B12 deficiency, and more) less than a year ago. I'm quite honestly a bit shocked a, that I even got pregnant, and b, that I've been able to stay pregnant while some of this shit is still regulating. (And yes, it still is - I can tell from symptoms, but even without that, it was probably fucked for twenty years. It ain't gonna fix itself in nine months.) Even by the time The Kid is born, it will STILL be less than a year that I'll have been in treatment. And while my iron and D counts are still slowly creeping up, they have slowed down their upward movement in pregnancy. In other words, things are improving, but not as quickly, because pregnancy is an additional stress and draw on those resources.
This is why when I got an email from yesterday's midwife about "oh yeah, your blood work was normal, your iron looks good for this point in pregnancy", I laughed. Lady, my hematocrit and hemoglobin slid down again and are both below normal, and my MCV is still below normal. I'm still fighting for iron and having trouble hanging on to it. "I recommend you continue taking your current vitamins and supplements" also made me laugh. THERE WAS NO CHANCE I WAS STOPPING ANY TIME SOON, THANKS. Especially since that's all being managed by my pcp - who is tracking my ferritin, that is, stored iron, not just the circulating iron. It's the ferritin that was dangerously low and that we're working on bringing up. As of December, it was at 51. After supplementing since July. It should be around 80. Yeah. Got a ways to go on that one.
Which also raises the question, how nutritious is any breastmilk I manage to make going to be? And, if it's like pregnancy, wherein the fetus and placenta basically override my needs for nutrients and steal shit like calcium right out of my damn TEETH if they need it... what cost will I have to pay? How healthy is that going to be for me?
Plus, people with Hashi's are more likely to have significant thyroid problems in the post-partum period. In other words, it's very likely that shit's going to get wild with my thyroid. So with that, on top of "hey things aren't actually totally regulated yet WHEE", and then trying to breastfeed? Oh yeah shit could get real interesting, real quick.
Finally... if you look at the pictures in all of the breastfeeding literature? Fat people don't breastfeed. People with very large breasts like mine don't breastfeed. People like me don't use breastfeeding aids like Boppy or My Brest Friend (NOT KIDDING, THAT'S THE NAME) pillows, because they aren't big enough. If I want to use a pillow to help support The Kid, I either have to make one, or make due with other pillows, because there just aren't purpose-made pillows manufactured to fit someone like me. There aren't a lot of options for nursing bras even in my current size, much less if my breasts get even bigger (which they probably will), or clothing made to make nursing easier. All of those nursing covers? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH nope too small.
I have no idea if any of the lactation consultants will even know how to work with someone shaped like me. You would think they would... and yet doctors and other care providers often don't, so I don't assume they will. Which could mean that for the most part, I'm going to be on my own, without a lot of professional support. Which is also not a guaranteed recipe for disaster - the lactation consultant is, after all, a recent invention - but it's not like breastfeeding was something my family has done recently either, you know? My mom is definitely pro whatever my plans are, but she doesn't have practical experience with them. Even most of the people I know who are pro-breastfeeding, give breastfeeding advice, etc. are not fat folk.
So yeah I'm planning on breastfeeding, and if you want to be all like "WELL YOU ARE GETTING DISCOURAGED BEFORE YOU START YOU ARE BAD", go fuck yourself. I'm also signing up for formula coupons just in case. And preparing for the onslaught of BREAST IS BEST and OH BUT YOU SHOULDN'T SUPPLEMENT and all of the other bullshit, including, I'm sure, guilt from some folks if I switch to formula. Fuck it. Kid's getting fed no matter what. But shit, can we drop most of how we talk about breastfeeding and how we "encourage" people to do it? Because it's really not encouraging at all.
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