I Will Formula Feed Out Of Spite, I Swear To Maude

[Contents: parent-shaming, gender essentialism]

So here is what is setting me off:



I saw a few people tweeting about this; I first saw it from @DrJaneChi. The image is of a brochure holder in a doctor's office. The headline is "Save a Life. Donate Milk...". The brochure has what appears to be a white premature baby on the cover, with the same "Save a Life, Donate Milk..." text. The text on the brochure holder is as follows; emphasis original:

"Make a difference in the life of a child by becoming a milk donor.

Babies in hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Units depend on this life saving nourishment to thrive when their own mother's milk is not available.

To learn about our non-profit organization or how to donate, visit: MilkBankColorado.org"

Then there's the logo for the milk bank and some pretty colored banding at the bottom.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear before we go on: I do not have a problem with breast milk banks or donation in and of themselves.

What I have a problem with here is the strong implication that breast milk and ONLY breast milk is what infants in the NICU can be fed, and ONLY breast milk can make sure that they don't die. Which is not only factually incorrect, but incredibly shaming and stigmatizing to people who choose formula, for whatever reason they choose it.

That is incredibly harmful.

It is incredibly harmful because there are a number of people who cannot breastfeed, and what you've just told them is that if, gods forbid, their kid winds up in the NICU, ONLY breast milk will allow them to survive and thrive, so they better hope and pray someone donates, because it's their only hope.

It is incredibly harmful because it's yet more parent-shaming heaped on women, almost exclusively women, about how their choices are actively harming their baby, when those choices are doing nothing of the sort. It's the same "YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER FOR NOT BREASTFEEDING" shit that is all over the fuck place. It's using the specter of dead babies to guilt trip people in to breastfeeding.

It's incredibly harmful because it implies that people who are breastfeeding but do not make enough breast milk to donate for whatever reason are less good people than those that DO donate, because only those that donate can save NICU baby lives.

It's incredibly harmful because as I have written about before, not every pregnant person is a woman, not every pregnant person is or becomes a mother or even wants to be.

It is incredibly harmful because it is just. plain. wrong.

And for those who are like WELL IT SAYS NOTHING OF THE SORT, well, no, sit down. Because the exact message I got out of this was "only breast milk will save NICU babies" and "ps breast is best you're bad if you don't do it and ps MAKE MORE SO YOU CAN DONATE AND BE AN EVEN BETTER PERSON." And it's not like I had to sit and think and read between the lines. I'm not sitting here looking for shit to get mad about, which is another popular accusation. The message is pretty damn clear.

This is the sort of shit I'm talking about when I say I am planning to breastfeed in spite of pro-breastfeeding rhetoric, not because of it. I mean, I'll admit, spite is a powerful motivator in my life, and I also plan on enjoying the spitefulness of breastfeeding in public and making all the assholes who are against it squirm. But the more pro-breastfeeding stuff I read, the less I want to breastfeed. And if there's more of this stuff, I swear to Maude, I will formula feed just to spite the people who think like this. (If you think I won't, you obviously have never met me.)

Formula does not kill babies, not even NICU babies. And if you can't make an argument for breastfeeding without either implying or directly stating that, your argument is shit. If you can't even make a pitch for breastmilk donation without relying on the specter of dead babies, your argument is really shit, and you should be ashamed of yourself for the harm you are perpetuating. Because make no mistake, you ARE causing harm. So long as their child is receiving sufficient, safe food, no parent should ever be shamed for how they choose to feed their child. EVER.

Pregnancy (And After) Clothes: The PJ and PJ-ISH Edition

[Contents: gender essentialism, fat hate]

 

Yeah, I know everyone calls it "maternity clothing", but see here for why I won't.

First things first. You may not need a whole lot of special clothing for pregnancy and afterwards. And if you do need pregnancy clothing, everyone needs it at different times. I know folks who had to buy pregnancy jeans by week 8. I know folks who bought none. I personally needed to wear my looser jeans or unbutton mine starting around week 17. Everyone is different, and whatever you need or don't need, that is a-ok and you are fine.

That being said, if you DO need some... oh gods.

Shopping for pregnancy clothing while plus-sized is like shopping for everyday plus-sized, with the added bonus of being tired and hormonal and having even FEWER and EVEN MORE EXPENSIVE options. YAAAAAY WHO WOULDN'T LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.

Second things: there are some helpful posts about pregnancy clothes for bigger people.  Here are some that I've found (and a lot of the good stuff is in comments - I've scanned through all of these and while I wouldn't call them "safe spaces", they are well-moderated and don't have bullshit in them that I saw.)

•  In Search of Plus-Sized Maternity Clothes over at the Advice Smackdown. (Contents: fat hate, mental health, gender essentialism)
• Plus-Sized Maternity Resources FAQ, over at Plus-Sized-Pregnancy.org. This was last updated in 2006, so while some of the shops might not be around, there are also some excellent tips here. Written by a plus-sized person. (Contents: gender essentialism)
• How to Find Plus-Sized Maternity Wear, at babycenter.com. Written by a plus-sized person, has tips and links to shops. Updated in 2012. (Contents: gender essentialism)

ANYWAY. I discovered earlier this month that WHOOPS, NOPE, can't wear most of my not-pregnant jeans anymore. Even if they're unbuttoned, unzipped, and held up by a Bella Band. They are just too tight and uncomfortable, and the part under the zipper cuts in to the bottom of my belly and is NO GOOD.

So I've been wearing a lot of yoga pants when I don't need to leave the house.

I've also hit the point where I'm like OH SHIT I NEED LIKE STUFF TO WEAR IN THE HOSPITAL AND I'LL NEED PAJAMAS I CAN NURSE IN AND OH SHIT.

In the hopes that it's helpful for other folks who may be going through similar, I am going to share some of the things I've bought, as well as some other sources I've found. I usually wear a 2X right now, but I'm going to include sources for things that go bigger. This post will focus just on PJs, yoga pants, and hospital gowns. I'm planning on doing a few more, including OH SHIT I NEED BRAS.

I'm also going to share a couple of ways I try to make buying clothes less expensive. Because clothes are fucking expensive. Clothes for us fat folk are usually even more expensive, and often have to be ordered special. Which is bullshit.

I never buy anything online without first checking RetailMeNot, a site that compiles coupon codes and specials for pretty much any online store. Second, I try to shop through Ebates (note: that is a referral link, so if you sign up through it, I get a bonus). If you start shopping through Ebates and buy something online, you get a percentage of your purchase in cash back. It is legit, I have done it. Finally, for sites where I know I buy regularly, I find it's worth signing up for their emails, even if I just have them go to an email account I don't check often. Because then I can check it when I need something, see who has the sales, and often get additional discount codes.

Also? PLEASE DO SHARE things you've bought, stores you like, discounts, etc. in comments.

OKAY ON TO VARIOUS TYPES OF CLOTHINGS

Yoga Pants

This is a bit broader of a category, really. I refer to pj pants, yoga pants, etc. as "softpants", for, well, you know, they're SOFT.

Over 2013 Midwestern Holiday, I bought myself two pairs of these: Gloria Vanderbilt Sport "INES" Relaxed Fit Pants. OMG SO COMFORTABLE. Right now I'm wearing about a 22-24 in pants - as in, I have some pants in those sizes I can actually button up comfortably. A 2X in these fits magnificently. And, they're stretchy enough that even as I gain more weight, they should still fit. They're also a nice length - I'm 6' tall and they're not looking ridiculous on me. Carson's, the store I linked to, also tends to have a good selection of plus sizes (at the very least, up to a 3X), and always, ALWAYS has coupons, both online and in-store (Carson's, as well as it's same-store-different-name sisters Boston Store and Bergner's, are in Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana - around there.) I find their plus-size tends to be cut more for "pear" or "hourglass" shapes, but not exclusively.

I've also gotten some excellent PJ pants/yoga pants at, yeah. Lane Bryant. I honestly haven't bought anything from them in a few years though, because they seem to be in one of their downswings again. You know, where the quality noticeably declines again and prices go up and everything is just UGH. BUT you may have some luck there.

Nightgowns

I'm not a big pajama set fan, mostly because they are usually button-down tops and I have a legit, should-come-with-a-warning Rack of Doom, so they don't work very well. But, I'm planning on breastfeeding, so I need to wear something at night where I can just whip out a boob.

I bought two nightgowns similar to this at Kohl's. They've got a long enough line of buttons down the front that I can, in fact, get a boob out. They're also cut very generously, I found - again, a 2X worked for me and was plenty loose. They're also not too heavyweight of a knit. Kohl's also regularly carries up to a 3X, and ALWAYS has coupons, online and in store. They also have locations nationwide. I find Kohl's plus-size tends to be cut more for "apple" shapes - pretty much all of it.

There are some additional candidates on One Stop Plus. OSP is online-only, but carries up to a size 44W, and also ALWAYS has coupons. I checked on some of their nightgowns - everything I looked at went up to at least a 5X, if not a 6X.

Then there are specialty "nursing gowns" and such. Here are some I've found. I haven't personally tried any of these - have you?

• Aimee Nursing Gowns. They look? Super nice. They also? Are not cheap. And finally? Only go up to about an 18-20/XXL.
• Birth And Baby Nursing Gowns and Pajamas. Some styles go up to a 3X. They also ship globally. Also carries nursing bras, other pregnancy clothes, and breastfeeding supplies.
• Mother's Boutique. Some styles up to 3X. Ships worldwide. Also carries other nursing clothes, pregnancy clothes. etc.
• Just Plus Fashion Outlet. Nursing gowns and PJs up to a 5X. Also carries plus-sized clothes and pregnancy clothes, also up to a 5X. Free US shipping; also ships internationally. 

Hospital Gowns

I basically hate hospital gowns, because most places I've been in that use them don't have them big enough for me. (In fact, the hospital my old doctor was at was one of these places.... yet another reason I'm glad I'm with new practices). One of the things I plan on asking about on the hospital tour I'll be getting in March is about the size of gowns they regularly have, and if "big enough for me" isn't on the list, seeing what I can do to make sure some get ordered. Which, it's shitty that that's something I have to think about doing, because really, they should have stuff in stock for everyone. Fat people need hospital care too.

You can, however, bring your own. This has pluses and minuses - plus, you know that shit fits you. It also has a color and pattern you like, because let's be real, hospital gowns are not known for being super fuck cute. Minus, you have to wash that yourself. And every single thing I've read about the post-partum hospital stay either implies or straight up says NO SERIOUSLY, BODILY FLUIDS WILL GET ON EVERYTHING YOU OWN. So they might not be useable afterwards. However, it's an option.

Here are some places I have found that sell plus-size or custom hospital gowns. I can't vouch for any of them, because I haven't ordered personally.

• Gorgeous Hospital Gowns. Based in Australia, ships worldwide. They list four sizes, up to about an 18-20, but also say they "haven't found anyone too large yet", so ymmv.
• AmpleStuff Hospital Gowns. Goes up to a 10X. Also has specialty gowns, such as those with pockets for telemetry equipment. Owner is a member of ASDAH (Association for Size Diversity and Health). Ships worldwide. Carries a lot of other products.
• Personal Touch Health Care Apparel. Goes up to a 10X. Definitely calls them "oversized" and "bariatric" gowns, so be warned. Ships to US, Canada, maybe the UK.

If you're crafty, you can make your own. Here is a pattern I've found. I recommend 100% cotton - it's easier to wash, and will probably be the most comfortable. You can also get it super-cheaply. Fabric.com often has 100% cotton prints on clearance for as low as $2-3/yd.

Again, did you find a good source of pregnancy clothes for us fat folk? PLEASE DO SHARE.

STOP CALLING ME "MOM"

[Contents: gender essentialism, mentions of forced birth and miscarriage]

So I'm 18 weeks pregnant today.

A big part of my learning style is reading. I will devour any book, manual, essay, what-have-you on a subject that interests me. (Makes watching Jeopardy! with me either fun or super fucking annoying.) So because I find pregnancy interesting, and while I have been pregnant before, have never gotten this far before, I have been reading oh-so-many pregnancy books, websites, etc.

They are so. fucking. gender. essentialist.

They are all like "THE EXPECTANT MOTHER" or "HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON THIS WEEK, MOM" and "MOTHERHOOD" this and "MAMA" that and HOLY SHIT STOP CALLING ME MOM.

First and foremost, "Mother", "Mom", "Mama", "Motherhood", etc. are highly gendered terms. WOMEN are "moms". MEN are "dads". So every time you use one of these (or any related) terms to refer to a pregnant person, you're assuming that person is a woman.

You can't assume that.

There's a reason that unless I'm quoting, I refer to pregnant PEOPLE. That's because the ability to get and stay pregnant is not actually dependent on gender. People of all genders can get pregnant, provided they have a uterus. Used to be you needed ovaries too, but with the state of technology today, you don't even need those. You need a uterus capable of sustaining a pregnancy.  That's it. Doesn't matter what your gender is.

Secondly, while I myself am cis, and call myself "the pregnant lady" on the regular, YOU'RE NOT MY KID, STOP CALLING ME MOM. "Mom" is not and never will be my ACTUAL NAME. Perfect strangers calling me by something that's not my name? I find that profoundly disrespectful. I wouldn't stand for it even from members of my family. Ask me how "being a mom" is going? Sure. "How's it going, Mom?" Fuck you. That's not my name.

Furthermore, it's so reductionist to just refer to pregnant people as "mom" or any of those variants. Even once I have The Kid, and start filling that "parent" role, even if I go by "Mom" to The Kid, that will be but one part of my life and identity. Yes, it's going to be hugely important to me, and almost certainly take up a lot of my time and energy. But I'll also still be Wench, I'll also be my mom's daughter (and have relationships with the rest of my family, etc. and so on), I'll also still be married to The Man, I'll still be a knitter and a sewer and all of the other things I am. Continually referring to me and all the pregnant people reading this stuff as "Mom" just reduces us to that one thing.

Thirdly, the assumption of automatic "motherhood" upon getting pregnant and giving birth is troublesome. Not just because of the gendered nature of the term, although that's a big part of it. But not everyone who gives birth becomes - or wants to become - a "mother". That might be because they're not retaining custody of the person they birth, because they don't identify as a mother, don't want the kid and were forced to give birth... I mean the potential reasons are endless.

It also totally ignores other ways to become a "mom", like adoption. Or, for example, all of the folks in my life that (with their permission), I also refer to as "Mom", in addition to my mother. It's such a narrow definition of what "motherhood" (and by extension, parenting) is. When parenting is so much bigger than that.

I don't have a problem with however folks want to identify. Like I said, I'll likely go by "Mom" to The Kid. (Note: TO THE KID, NOT TO ANYONE ELSE, GOOD LORD.) You're "Mama"? "Hey Lady"? "[first name]"? "Parent?" "Dad?" Whatever? Awesome. But when everything is written with the assumption that "Mom" and variants is how every pregnant person identifies, that's hugely problematic. It erases everyone who doesn't, and doesn't even give a hint to folks that there are other possibilities. It's one-dimensional and reductionist. I don't give a shit about your excuse that "well ALMOST ALL pregnant people are women", I don't give a shit about "WELL WE JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR", you can do better. Stop shoving me in to a box and a narrowly defined and prescribed role.