Ten Things I Hate About Being A Parent

[Contents: parent-shaming]

I was talking on the Twitter-machine a few weeks ago with some friends about Wide World of Mommy Blogs, and the pressure there is to ONLY share the GOOD parts of parenting, and how you love EVERY MINUTE and are SO FULFILLED and blah blah blah. Look, I love being a parent to The Kid, and I adore The Kid, but parenting is filled with bullshit. So to counteract the firehouse of BUT DON'T YOU LOVE BEING A PARENT (especially MOM) shit we all get exposed to, and to give a giant FUCK YOU to that entire portion of the world, here are ten things I fucking hate about being a parent. Please feel free to share some more in the comments; this is a shame-free zone.

1. I have to get up early every damn morning, except some Sunday mornings, when The Man gets up early. And even then, I wake up the second The Kid does.
2. Thanks to constant societal pressure to be the BEST MOM and what my baby SHOULD BE DOING, if I can't get hir to nap, it's really easy to feel like a complete failure. I'm not, because I know that I cannot force my child to sleep, but it's still reallllly easy to feel like it. Conversely, if I do get The Kid asleep easily and on time, I feel like a fucking MOM NINJA. Neither is true.
3. Somewhere, someone is completely judging me and saying I'm doing shit wrong. It's one thing if you're abusing your kid, or doing something demonstrably dangerous. But I'm not, and people still think I'm doing shit wrong.
4. I hate the smell of spit-up. Especially when it's all over me. I hate spit-up all over me.
5. Doing anything, including peeing, takes planning.
6. Pretty sure I've seriously and permanently fucked up my right wrist, somewhere in the nursing/holding iPod/fastening diapers blur.
7. My social schedule is the most ridiculous it has ever, EVER been. I love my family and friends, but just the idea that I could have some social event going on every single day of the week, for the foreseeable future, is a kind of hell for me.
8. Sometimes I would just like to be in a room with NO OTHER PEOPLE, THANK YOU.
9. It's really hard to make sure I eat something.
10. Each and every day, I am on duty, 24 hours. Yes, The Kid is only awake for like 12 of them, but 3 am crying? WELP I'm up. Yes, The Man helps, yes, I do get out of the house, etc. and so on, but when the shit really hits the fan? I am the caregiver of last resort. I don't get breaks so much.

DO NOT LET ME READ SLEEP SITES

[Contents: mommy/parent-shaming]

SERIOUSLY.

So the other day I tweeted this:

Note to self: no seriously you are banned from reading any baby sleep sites or books. BANNED. #zomgbaby
— Wench (@kingdomofwench) July 17, 2014

[Text: Note to self: no seriously you are banned from reading any baby sleep sites or books. BANNED. #zomgbaby]

BECAUSE I NEED TO NOT READ THEM ANY MORE. ALL THEY LEAD TO IS TEARS AND FRUSTRATION.

We got here because I am a reader. And a researcher. I cannot even tell you how many hours I spent reading baby books and websites while pregnant, and that hasn't really stopped now that The Velociraptor has made an appearance (and been around for TWO AND A HALF MONTHS WHAT). So I was reading baby sleep sites!

And they pretty much all say things like DON'T DO THIS YOU WILL RUIN YOUR CHILD FOREVERRRRRRR (not always in those exact words, but it surprises me how close many of them are) and YOUR BABY SHOULD BE DOING THIS and HERE ARE THE WORST MISTAKES YOU CAN MAKE.

Oh my fucking god! So stressful!

Also, none of them agree with each other. They do not even agree on the basics of how many hours per day babies should sleep at various ages, much less on how many naps babies should take, the best way to get babies to nap, etc. and so on.

But I kept reading them, because y'all, The Kid's naps are a MESS.

Here's the thing. I am not complaining. I'm frustrated, but I'm not complaining, because The Velociraptor has slept through the night since they were about two weeks old. And not that crappy "oh five hours is TOTALLY sleeping through the night" that sleep sites and books try to sell you. Nah dude. At least seven hours. Right now, we're averaging nine hours straight a night.

But daytime sleep, since about a month ago, has been a mess. Developmentally, this makes a lot of sense, because right about that time zie discovered that they could talk to us! And hit things! And move their legs! And there was a baby in the mirror! And they could grab things! And they could maybe roll over! So there were ALL SORTS OF SUPER NEAT THINGS TO SEE AND DO AND TRY at once so FUCK SLEEPING AMIRITE CHECK THIS OUUUUUTTTTTT

So then we'd get to the point where The Kid would be up for five hours at a time (note: ALL sites agree that is WAY too long awake for a baby The Kid's age), and then suddenly crash and be screaming. And then only sleep 26 minutes (I am not kidding, you can set a fucking watch by this child). And wake up cranky, RINSE AND REPEAT.

But even in the midst of that, The Kid would sleep through the night. GETTING them to sleep was a challenge, but once they were out, they were out.

So I would read sites about how to get your baby to nap regularly and not be up for five hours. And then when things wouldn't work and we'd have one of Those Days again I would be in TEARS because WHAT AM I DOING WRONG WHYYYYYYYY and feel horrible about nursing The Kid to sleep or sometimes just giving up when they were tired and not going to sleep and just letting them quietly play in their crib and did I mention TEARS.

This is no good.

Because here's the thing. I even asked The Kid's pediatrician about it. She said "Do the best you can. It's great zie's sleeping through the night, and I often find that great night sleepers are crappy day sleepers and vice versa. It'll probably settle down after three months, so in the mean time, do what you can."

And that's just it. The Kid sleeps through the night. They are ahead of the curve developmentally. Even when super fucking tired, they are not super fussy and impossible to calm down. Does it suck when they are up three, four, five hours and I'm like GO TO SLEEP JUST GO TO SLEEP? YES. YES IT DOES. Because it feels like I am beating my head against a brick wall and I can't stop. But, zie does eventually go to sleep (and increasingly, they seem to want LESS intervention to go to sleep). And while most people would tell you that the unpredictability of the nap schedule right now means going out is hellacious, honestly, it isn't for us. We took a road trip to Chicago last week, then road-tripped to Michigan from Chicago, and zie did AMAZINGLY FINE. So it's not like this is keeping me tied home or anything.

But oh, the SHOULD and MUST and BLAH BLAH BLAH of sites. Oh my gods.

I have decided that pretty universally, people are just making most of that shit up (not the part about babies needing a lot of sleep; that is pretty easy to tell just by observation. The rest of it, though, is highly suspect). So FUCK THEM. They don't know MY kid. (They really don't; none of them I've found even remotely address a 2-month-old who sleeps through the night but is a terrible napper; at this age they're all like HERE IS HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT... thanks player, lucked out on that one already). The Man and I know our kid. And so some days we have horrible no good nap days, and some are rock star days, and in the meantime, we make sure zie is clean and fed and we try to get them to sleep as regularly as possible.

AND THAT IS OKAY. 

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 40

[Contents: medical, tmi, weight, mention of previous miscarriage]

WHY AM I STILL PREGNANT

Okay before I go any further, let me make a few things clear: one, I am so not looking for advice, so please miss me with that. Two, I really, really do not want anyone saying to me "oh but first babies are almost always late", "most pregnancies go past their due date", "only x% of babies arrive on their due date", or any variation thereof.

Partly because I know all of the statistics already, thanks, and partly because THIS WAS IN NO WAY WHAT I WAS LED TO BELIEVE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

"Oh well ha ha no one can predi-" SHUT. THE. ENTIRE. FUCK. UP.

If you've been reading for a while, you know that I have (had? maybe at this point "had" is more appropriate) a number of risk factors for pre-term birth, including thyroid disease, a history of spontaneous miscarriage, vaginal bleeding during pregnancy, a short cervix (including having an emergency cerclage put in), low pregnancy weight gain, and anti-thyroid antibodies. Basically, every single care provider I have seen at this point is extremely shocked that I made it to 38 weeks, NEVER EVEN MIND THAT I AM PAST 40 WEEKS NOW.

For anyone who would like to spout some "oh but your dates are probably off tee hee" shit, no, they're not. I know the exact date I fucking ovulated, which was confirmed by a very early ultrasound, so fuck off. While I do think that the method most often used to date a pregnancy, Naegele's Rule, does play a role in the fact that more pregnancies go past 40 weeks than not, that was not the method used to date my pregnancy.

Even more fun: for pregnant folks with ultrasound-indicated cerclages (LIKE MINE), on average they deliver about 2 weeks after cerclage removal. (This is a PDF of one of the studies looking at this sort of thing. I have not been able to find a non-PDF source yet, but if I do, I'll add it.) So mean delivery time is just under 14 days after cerclage removal, plus or minus 10 days. Tomorrow will be that "plus 10 days" point for me. I had my cerclage out over three weeks ago.

There is still no sign that I will be delivering this kid any time soon. Oh sure, I've been having contractions off and on since two days after the cerclage removal. Bloody show? Check; that was three weeks ago too. On multiple occasions, I have had contractions 10 minutes apart for an hour, even 5 minutes apart for an hour. I've had contractions that have made me stop what I was doing, or made me lean against the wall, take deep breaths, actually say "fuck, ow". Before anyone tries to lecture me "Oh well Braxton-Hicks can be painful", if they were Braxton-Hicks, I'd kind of expect them to stop when I laid down and drank a couple glasses of water, which is NOT WHAT HAPPENS, so you can also shut the entire fuck up. I was 2 cm dilated THREE POINT FIVE WEEKS AGO, and 50% effaced. The Kid was at -2 engagement (translation: head dropped in to my pelvis, but not quite all the way.) As of Wednesday, THAT HAS NOT CHANGED.

Sunday, we thought maybe something was happening. From Sunday in to Monday, I had contractions about half an hour apart for OVER 24 HOURS. Monday afternoon, they stopped for a bit, then came back 10 minutes apart. We thought for sure that would be it, especially since we live in Boston, Monday was the Boston Marathon, and getting anywhere on Marathon Monday is THE biggest pain in the ass. Then the contractions stopped.

Tuesday I didn't have much, except that all of a sudden, huh, wow, some sort of watery vaginal discharge where there wasn't before! Could this be amniotic fluid? MAYBE. So I watch and wait and yeah, five hours later, still slowly leaking a bit, so I call my doctor's office. I wouldn't have cared, except that I am Group B Strep positive, which, long story short, means if my water breaks, I need to proceed directly to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Regardless of when my water breaks - which, it's more likely to break in active labor than beforehand, but wev - I need to receive antibiotics every four hours during active labor, and ideally I'd have at least 2 doses before The Kid arrives.) So I call. And I'm like, I'm not sure, but it's enough of a change and I know that if it is amniotic fluid, we need to take steps, and the OB on call agreed, so about 11:45 Tuesday night we headed to the hospital.

No, I did not post anything on Twitter about it, no we did not call our parents, because fuck if I'm getting everyone excited for something just as likely to be a false alarm.

Which it was.

We get to the hospital, they hook me up to the monitors, The Kid kicks the monitors, they test to see if it's amniotic fluid, it's not, thankfully neither the nurse nor the midwife gave me much of that condescending "oh it's your first pregnancy you clearly don't know what's going on" shit or else someone would have died, we got sent home.

Yesterday, I'm in the shower, and holy shit, here I am leaning against the wall because OW. Every seven minutes, OW. I start thinking about calling The Man and saying hey, maybe you should think about leaving work. I ponder this for about ten minutes, during which point the contractions stop. I get up, walk around, fold some laundry, eat some beans and rice, hahahahah NOPE we're done for the day.

I consider shanking some motherfuckers. Which, honestly, my interests right now are first and foremost, HAVING A DAMN KID ALREADY JEEBUS, sleeping, eating (mostly beans and rice, because oh my fucking god beans and rice is so delicious), and SHANKING MOTHERFUCKERS.

Meanwhile my pelvis is still a floppy, relaxin-fucked mess, I have weird stretch marks all over my belly, my belly dropped OH RIGHT LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO ALREADY, I have not been able to find new bras (which I made the mistake of tweeting about... I'm totally shocked the random person on Twitter who insisted no no, they totally make stretchy multiple-cup sized bras in your size hasn't gotten back to me yet... BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES THOSE IN MY SIZE IT'S LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING), thank fuck I still have pants and shirts that fit, I'm getting sick of packing my meds and glasses and chargers and shit every time I leave the house, and if one more person asks me "still pregnant?" or any variation thereof, I will be announcing The Kid's arrival AT LEAST A MONTH AFTERWARDS YOU CAN ALL JUST GO SCREW.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 37

[Contents: medical, definitely TMI]

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you follow me on the Twittermachine, you probably know why I'm yelling, but I'm going to back this up and start at the beginning.

So 37 weeks is one of the weeks that was definitely highly marked on my calendar, because at 37 weeks, the cerclage comes out. So leading up to Wednesday, I definitely had, some nerves and trepidation.

We also had our last childbirth class this past Sunday, which went well. In the car on the way over I remember thinking "hm, my back hurts, but this is not my usual 'whoops fucked up my lower back again' back hurt, this is different, let's file this shit away". Which is what I did.

The last childbirth class main event is the hospital tour, which was great, except for the part with all of the walking and standing around. I mean, I get why we were standing around - there's no way to predict which rooms are open for viewing, what's going on, etc., so for each part of the ward (ante-natal monitoring, labor and delivery, post-partum), our instructor had to leave us in the hallway and go talk to the floor nurses to see what was up and where we could go. It's just that walking is tough on my third-trimester hips, and standing ain't much better. Plus there were, you know, like 20 of us crammed in to one room at a time, and that got HOT, which made me and a few of the other pregnant folks almost pass out. So that was not fun.

Good things are one, we like the hospital, it seems nice, two, I got to ask the nurses about hospital gowns and those mesh panties like every pregnancy-related blog in the history of ever talks about and whether they had them in my size. Which, they were very nice about being asked. They did try to reassure me about the knickers "oh they're stretchy" but when I explained that yes I knew that, and had had a cerclage at <well-known area hospital> in December and they still did not fit me, they were like "Oh, no problem, then, we can order them, and if we don't have them on the floor when you're here, we can have another floor send some down, no big deal." So that was reassuring.

Then we get to Wednesday, when I am 37 weeks exactly and I have the appointment to take the cerclage out. I'll probably do an entry about that process in detail, but suffice it to say that while it was unpleasant, I didn't find it particularly painful (there are some horror stories you can find on the internet about it, which OBVIOUSLY I read). After it was out they threw me on the monitor for a while to see how The Kid was doing and if I was having any contractions from having my cervix highly messed with. Apparently right after the thing came out I was about 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which sounds impressive until you realize that there are pregnant folks who walk around in that state for LITERALLY WEEKS before delivering. Kid was fine, and I wasn't having any contractions to speak of, so I got sent home.

Thursday I'm spotting some - expected after cerclage removale - and having some irregular contractions, but nothing big. Mostly all day I was antsy and cranky, and none of my usual tricks to alleviate those states worked. Usually cranky is "need more foods", and I kept eating foods, but was still cranky. Antsy usually is nesting, so I went and did some more baby laundry and put away baby clothes and it DIDN'T HELP either, so I was antsy and cranky.

Then we get to Friday. Thursday night I was dreaming about being in labor, and woke up a couple of times with contractions, but nothing regular and nothing serious enough I couldn't just roll over and go back to sleep. Friday morning, I get up, pee, and oh, wow, yeah that is definitely a pretty decent sized chunk of gelatinous crap streaked with blood. Bloody show, real thing in the world folks. (Yes, you can google pictures of it if you want to.) And then some bright red spotting, which was unusual and a little like, uh, whoa. So I call the midwives and tell them what's happening - bloody show, bright red spotting, irregular contractions the past few days, cranky, antsy, etc. - and they're like "well you aren't in active labor yet, but given your history you'll probably go sooner rather than later." Okay, cool, at least I have nothing to worry about.

Then I call my mom, because my instincts are telling me "nope, stay home", and I have an appointment later that day (not doctor/midwife). And I tell her what's happening and y'all, my mom is so unbelievably excited and it's like LOOK CALM DOWN MOM. She remains convinced I will go in to active labor today, ps. We'll see about that. But she concurs staying home is probably a better idea, so I stay home.

And then I get an hour of contractions about oh, twelve minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.

Then another hour, about ten minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.

And again.

Then an hour later I have contractions five minutes apart, for an hour. And I was pretty sure yes, these are contractions, because I'd catch myself taking deep breaths, or rolling my hips, and be like oh, well. And note the time and about how long it lasted, and what it felt like.

They all feel a little different. Sometimes it's like someone is squeezing my abdomen in from both sides. Sometimes they're like period cramps, really low down, right above my pubic bone. Sometimes I could feel my uterus tighten up from top to bottom. Sometimes my back would hurt and it would wrap around to the front. Sometimes it was a low, tight pulling. Which, the internet tells me are all accurate descriptions of contractions.  HELPFUL.

WOULD BE MORE HELPFUL IF THEY WOULDN'T STOP.

I literally had contractions, regular contractions, five minutes apart, lasting a minute each, for an hour, AND THEN THEY STOPPED.

STOPPED.

MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR.

After that, I had some more contractions, including some more about 7 minutes apart for half an hour. Then I called my mother to whine, because this is some bullshit, and she laughs and says that all of her pregnancies ended like that, and what happened with her is that after a day and a half of this bullshit, since she was already past 41 weeks, she was told to come in, and with her first two, they artificially broke her water, and with her third, they gave her pitocin, but good news was nothing was ever horrifically painful and once active labor DID get going, it was quick - maybe a few hours.

*sigh*

This matches my research - there's a term for this start-stop business, it's "prodromal labor". There's a bunch of theories about why some people get it and some don't; the predominant theory is that it's helping position the fetus in the best position for the birth canal. Problem is, no one can say how long it will last. Some people report they had it for a day, some report literally three weeks.

Y'all if this last three weeks... look I can't even.

There's also no telling when it will flip over to active labor. There are some exercises and positions recommended to help if it's a positioning problem, so yeah I'm trying those, but there's no guarantee it'll flip the switch, so to speak. And again, once the switch is flipped, active labor tends to be short.

And I still just want to stay home and snuggly and not leave. Like, the nesting feeling is GONE. I'm still cranky, but nope, staying home, need to stay home, wrap me in some blankets and rub my back and feed me popsicles.

I can't tell if my instinct saying "yeah, baby SOON" is actual instinct or just a strong desire for this BULLSHIT MAKE UP YOUR MIND SHIT to end soon.  Sigh.

So that's where we're at. Today I have had some irregular contractions and some brief periods of more regular shit. I'm trying to ignore it as best I can. My water hasn't broken, and nothing has been horribly painful (although knowing what I know about my pain tolerance, and the fact that yeah I've lived through six months at a time of excruciating sciatica, so I dismiss the "oh you will know because it's so painful" descriptions mostly), but I am having prodromal labor and lost the mucus plug, and have continued spotting, which implies that my cervix is probably still effacing and dilating.

So... we wait. Could be tonight! Could be three weeks from now! There's no way to know! GREAT.

SO EVERYONE JUST SLOW YOUR ROLL, OKAY? LOOKING AT YOU, MOM.

This is getting really old

[Contents: food, food aversions, vomit]

So this is what is getting really old, and had me nearly crying at the dinner table tonight THANKS HORMONES:

Food aversions.

Yeah, they're a common pregnancy side effect, and most sources will tell you oh, they go away after the first trimester. This is not true for everyone, and it is not true for me.

Here is a list of foods I normally eat, and usually like anywhere from quite fine to PLEASE PUT THIS IN MY FACE, that I have not been able to stand during pregnancy:

• Cooked pork. I don't eat bacon, ham, or any of their exotic cousins anyway, because those nauseate the hell out of me, even to smell them. Eating them has lead to vomiting. But other pork products, such as ribs or pork chops or even pork roast, I am usually fine with. No. Not during pregnancy. None of those are okay. Sausage, however, in pretty much any form, remains fine.
• Chili. I make really good beef chili. Even thinking about it right now makes me a little queasy. The day I cooked it for The Man, that was a bad, bad day, because it takes hourrrsssss to cook.
• Tortilla Soup. Tortilla soup is one of my favorite soups. It's spicy and salty and you put cheese in it and it's amazing. NOPE. Made it a month ago and could not even bring myself to take a bite.
• Taco Casserole. Also one of my favorites, it's a pretty easy dinner to throw together and we can usually kill an entire batch of it in two days. Oh god, I need to end this list soon, thinking about all of this shit is not doing me any favors. Anyway, this is also spices + tomatoes + meat.
• Barbequed... anything. I had some barbecued ribs at Christmas (why yes, one of the traditional Christmas meats in our family is ribs), and normally I love them, and they were okay... but not the best and I had to not eat a lot. And barbequed, say, chicken right now? NOPE.

Now see, I would think there's a theme of sorts here - spicy tomato-and-meat-based dishes, but NOPE. Because here are things that have been fucking delicious:

• Curry. IN ANY FORM. Lamb curry, chicken makhani, dal, lamb bhuna, PLEASE GIVE ME ALL OF THE CURRIES. All of my favorite curries are heavily tomato-based, and I tend to like at least a "medium" level of spiciness. Fucking delicious, and if I had more garlic naan, I'd warm up some of the chicken makhani I made Friday and eat it right now.
• Tacos. REGULAR TACOS ARE JUST FINE. They are delicious in fact! I have made them a bazillion times because they consistently sound good! Granted, there's no tomatoes in them, but it's clearly not just taco spices that are my problem.
• Fajitas. PLEASE PUT MORE FAJITAS IN MY FACE THEY'RE DELICIOUS. These also involve chili powder and many of the same spices that are in my chili, so I don't know what the deal is.
• Beans and rice. The black beans from my favorite local Tex-Mex restaurant? INVOLVE PORK STOCK. The rice? has all sorts of veg matter in there, including I think tomatoes. Could eat these every motherfucking day.
• Pasta bake. Oh my maude, give me some like, baked ziti with a good tomato sauce and some Italian sausage mixed in and cheese melted on top. Have made this eight thousand times too because it tastes good.
• Chicken parm subs. Clearly my problem is not meat + tomato sauce.
• Roast chicken. We had to punt a week ago Sunday on dinner, because we ordered chicken parm sandwiches and the site had fucked up and the place where we get them was closed, so The Man ducked in to the Whole Foods across the street and got one of their roasted chickens and some mashed potatoes. Oh my fucking god, so good. When I roast a chicken at home, I do not bother doing it any other way than with two lemons [warning: diet talk at that link, but the recipe is 100% worth your time if you do meat].
• Buffalo wings. I had some two weeks ago after baby-havin' class and it was the best party in my mouth that week.
• Fried chicken. yesssssss
• Potatoes. Preferably fried or mashed. All the potatoes. Allll of them.

Then we get to tonight.

I had some potatoes on hand, so last night I took out a chicken breast and threw it in some lemon garlic marinade. Tonight's dinner was said chicken breast, roasted, mashed potatoes, and some corn. Now, I chose this marinade because the other ones I have on hand are more barbeque-flavored in profile and since they're not Open Pit-flavored, they're suspect. But I like the garlic-lemon-herb whatever the fuck this is! So I picked it!

Chicken smells just fine as it's cooking. I get everything to the table, including mashed potatoes with a truly ridiculous amount of butter in them, cut a piece of chicken, take a bite... and nope. Nope! And I'm like, really? Because I know I need the protein, and I know I like chicken, and this should be fine, so I take another bite and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Can someone please explain to me in what motherfucking goddamn way that this all makes sense. BECAUSE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THERE IS NO LINKING FACTOR IN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN AS TO WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS BAD RIGHT NOW. NONE.

THIS IS BULLSHIT AND I AM SICK OF IT AND IT HAD BETTER GO AWAY AFTER I HAVE THIS KID.

And that is why hormones were leaking down my face at the dinner table tonight.

Breastfeeding, Continued

So Wednesday after my midwife appointment I had an appointment with one of the lactation consultants on staff at the office. My OB recommended it because last time I saw her, I mentioned some of the issues I brought up in my last breastfeeding post, namely, HI I HAVE THYROID PROBLEMS.

I actually really liked the LC, who is apparently also a nurse, etc. and so on. 

Things we agreed on:

1. Baby getting fed is the absolute most important thing. No, seriously, that is it. Cut line.
2. Because of my thyroid issues, I am way more likely to have supply issues.

She also had some recommendations, including making sure to try and put The Kid to breast as soon and as often as possible, to try to stimulate as much supply as possible. And to keep an eye on my thyroid, because any fluctuation in that is going to affect supply - which, I kind of figured, and we'll be keeping a close watch on it anyway. Also she recommended a hospital-grade pump, which if my insurance doesn't cover that like they're supposed to I will BURN THEIR SHIT DOWN.

We also talked about the potential supplementation options, including supplements for me, and supplementing with formula. Basically, she agrees that the odds of my being able to exclusively breast-feed are low. I can likely do some breastfeeding, but we won't know how much or for how long until we try.

She just seemed very down to earth and pragmatic, which I appreciated. Yes, she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she actually acknowledged and validated my concerns, WHICH IS HUGE AND DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH IN THE BREASTFEEDING SPHERE. She also acknowledged that sometimes the struggle to breastfeed just is not worth it, which is also huge. So much pro-breastfeeding rhetoric really just does not acknowledge that there are costs to the person breastfeeding, and sometimes it is not worth it. (Just wait until I write up a post about this pin I saw, "101 reasons to breastfeed"... oh my holy fucking dark lord.)

So basically, yes, I was right, I am likely to have supply problems, there are potentially some things we can do about them, but, as she said, we go in to it knowing in advance what the potential problems will be and work with them as they come up. And whatever winds up happening, winds up  happening, and if I switch to part or even all formula, hey, so long as the baby is getting enough food, we're all good.

THANK FUCK.

REAL THINGS IN THE WORLD

[Contents: unsafe baby products, including those that have caused infant deaths]

So because I'm having a baby at some point WITHIN LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF JESUS FUCK, I have spent a lot of time doing things like browsing Pinterest in the "kids" category and entering baby- and kid-related giveaways. There's a lot of neato shit out there!

This post is not about the really neato, clever shit, some of which has made it on to my own baby registry.

This post is about the WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ARE YOU SERIOUS shit, the shit you look at and go "right so science, have you met it?" or "I would have to pay how much more for the word "baby" in the product name?" That shit. I'm not even going to get in to the THOUSAND DOLLAR STROLLERS out there, or even the $450 stroller my downstairs neighbors have parked in the vestibule, because really, why would I ever want or need to keep my stroller down there too, I mean, it's not like I live on the second floor or anything and wouldn't want to haul shit up and down the stairs if I didn't have to, ps the vestibule IS NOT PART OF YOUR APARTMENT, NEIGHBORS.

Ahem.

1. The $30 crib sheet. Thirty blessed US dollars EACH for one of these 100% cotton crib sheets. The sheet does not change itself, it does not repel poop, pee, or spit-up, it's not even organic cotton (those cost EVEN MORE). It's just a 100% cotton sheet from what I am led to believe is White People's favorite new baby brand, Aden + Anais (do not even get me started on their "muslin swaddle blankets" that are actually cotton gauze, or basically anything they make, because it is all a giant motherfucking rip-off. Because White People). Look. I don't have a problem with 100% cotton sheets - the ones I'm making for The Kid are 100% cotton - but THIRTY. DOLLARS. THIRTY. THIRTY DOLLARS. I COULD BUY THE FANCIEST COTTON YARDAGE I COULD FIND AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. I COULD GET CUSTOM COTTON YARDAGE FROM SPOONFLOWER TO MAKE MY OWN SHEETS AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. HOLY SHIT.


2. The $80 blender with a damn smiley face on it. Oh my gods, if I see "OMG YOU HAVE TO GET A BABY BULLET" in one more article, I am going to screeeeeeaaaammmmm. Has anyone been able to explain to me what exactly the Baby Bullet does that my regular blender doesn't? No. Has anyone been able to explain to me why I can't just get a set of silicone ice cube trays to freeze baby food instead of using the special trays the Baby Bullet comes with? No. BUT IT'S FOR BABIES seems to be the thing about this. That and the smiley face. THE CREEPY SMILEY FACE.


3. The $25 or more teething solution. That link is just one of the many places that will gladly take VERY MANY OF YOUR DOLLARS to give you "genuine Baltic amber" teething necklaces for your baby. It's apparently VITALLY IMPORTANT that it be "Baltic amber", because if it were I dunno, "Nigerian Amber" it wouldn't work? Supposedly there's compounds in the amber that soothe inflamed gums and *handwaving* and *sparkles* and OMG NO MORE TEETHING PAIN. This is one of those "right, so science?" products. Also can we talk about how these are a giant choking and strangulation hazard? No? Okay, cool.


4. The $109 "radiation-shielding" blanket. Okay, there's a $69 version too. And t-shirts. And $59 belly bands. All to shield your PRECIOUS PRECIOUS UTERUS AND ITS CARGO from "ambient radiation". Like from your wireless phone or laptop. It has SILVER IN IT YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY IT WORKS. AND OBVIOUSLY RADIATION IS A PROBLEM BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY BABIES BEING BORN WITH RADIATION POISONING FROM CELL PHONES wait no there aren't. I talked about this on Twitter, but I am tempted to write the company to straight troll them and ask "But what if I'm, say, at the cafe, and have my blanket with me, but the seat back is open and someone BEHIND me has a cell phone or laptop? WHAT ABOUT THE RADIATION THAT CAN ENTER THROUGH MY BACK?" SHHHH SCIENCE HAS NO PLACE HERE.


5. The $200 wireless video baby monitor FOR YOUR CAR. You can't text and drive, you can't even talk on your phone and drive in some places, but a creepy-ass camera and video monitor you put on your windshield? I'M SURE THERE WILL BE NO PROBLEMS WITH DISTRACTION THERE. Am I the only person in the world who a, realizes that it's okay if the baby cries for five minutes until you b, pull the fuck over? And that if you don't put extraneous crap in the car seat with them, they won't get in to any crap?


6. The $395 all-natural TEXTURED CRIB MATTRESS. All-natural, "non-toxic" etc. and so on crib mattresses are getting wildly popular anyway, but this just takes it to the next level. What. Is. The. Point. Of. The. Pebbles. WHAT IS THE POINT. WHAT IS THE POINT. DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ANSWER THAT IS BASED IN ACTUAL SCIENCE AND/OR FACTS PLEASE.


7. The $349 crib canopy. Look can we just have a talk about how shit hanging up above the baby's crib is a giant fucking hazard? Like, you're an adult, you want a giant ass canopy hanging above your bed, FINE. Even for a child. You know, a child that can MOVE ON THEIR OWN and can FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF A SACK. Things that INFANTS CANNOT DO. You're not even supposed to put blankets or bumpers in the crib with the baby, so why would you hang a giant, heavy swath of fabric above the crib that is just WAITING to fall IN to the crib? And I have some epic side-eye for all your Pinterest folks dreaming about CHANDELIERS or GIANT FRAMED ARTWORK or HEAVY WOODEN SHELVES hanging above your baby's crib, too.


8. The $182 baby towel set. I find "baby" towels kind of a rip-off anyway, because while yes, I do enjoy super-soft towels and assume that my child will too, uh, a standard bath towel is more than big enough to wrap the baby in after a bath, so why exactly wouldn't I just get some on sale with a coupon somewhere? These towels take that to the next level. OH BUT THEY ARE CUTE COLORS AND HAVE THE ALPHABET ON THEM look my child does not need reminding of the alphabet at every moment of every day. They're going to learn it at some point, even if it's NOT on their GODDAMN TOWELS.


9. The $70 baby bean bag napper. Actually, any sort of "baby napper" or "lounger". Because one, why? What does this do that the crib, bassinet, bouncer, swing, or car seat does not do when it comes to naps? Is it really easier to put your baby to sleep in this, that HAS to be on the floor for safety, than it is to put them in the crib? Can we also talk about how the bean bag is a giant suffocation hazard? Can we also talk about how the super-popular "Nap Nanny" that I keep seeing pinned on Pinterest has been completely recalled and it's illegal to sell or even bring them in to the US because babies DIED in them?


10.  The $40 or more perfume for your baby. That link goes to an article rounding up the top ten, TEN, fragrances meant to be used on babies and children in 2010. MORE HAVE COME OUT SINCE THEN. Why. Why does my baby need motherfucking PERFUME. WHY.

Please feel free to share additional wtfery and horror in comments.