Okay, so giving birth, right?

[Content: tmi, medical, childbirth, needles in various forms, hospital, blood]

So the story of The Kid being born, I'm going to start the day before, on May 1.

I had an appointment with the midwife, and omfg was I RIPSHIT. Basically any time any of the super-nice nurses asked "oh how are you doing" all I could do was growl-whine "I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE". Which they took in stride and agreed with me, so that helped. I hurt, I was tired, I felt like crap, I was DONE DONE DONE.

I'd been having contractions off and on for a month by this point. Never mind the fact that, as I mentioned in a previous post, I was at higher risk of delivering early. So at this appointment, they wanted to perform a non-stress test, since I was at 41 weeks and 1 day, also known as "post-dates". Did I have contractions during the NST? OF COURSE NOT. But The Kid looked fine, more or less. There was one small, non-emergency finding that prompted my midwife to schedule an ultrasound for the next day, May 2, but that was it.

I was asked if I wanted a vaginal exam. I seriously thought about it, but declined. I figured if there were any changes from the last one, it would get my hopes up so far and then if nothing happened I'd be in even worse shape mentally, and if there were no changes, it would just feed the brainweasels telling me that I would be pregnant forever.

Seriously. Those brainweasels were all about telling me a, that everything was the WORST, and b, that I would just be pregnant forever, la la la, and that's fine, let's start thinking about what that will look like and what I'll need to change in my life to account for that, doop de do. I would tell The Man that I would be Pregnant Forever, and my voice would be that kind of cheerful rational that you know is actually not at all cheerful or rational, and is in fact a little scary.

But I was going to be Pregnant Forever, so FINE.

The midwife asked me if I wanted to talk about induction. I said to her "well I assume you won't let me go past 42 weeks anyway" at which point she breaks in and says oh no, if everything looks fine, they'll let me go past 42 weeks, at which point I broke in and said "Okay well I do not want to go past 42 weeks". I know that in my birth plan I had said I'd want to go past, but by this point I was so fucking constantly uncomfortable, if not in outright pain from my hips, and so sick of everything, and so upset basically all the time, that it wasn't worth it to me to not be induced.

So we scheduled an induction, for the next Wednesday, at 42 weeks, and I went home.

That night, we go to bed. Now, weeks ago, at the advice of a friend (HI BRIGID), I'd bought a waterproof pad and put it under my side of the bed. There was a plasticky backing to it, so it kind of crinkled and was hot to sleep on, but I hadn't gotten rid of it. Which was good, because about quarter after 1, I turned off the light, rolled over, and oh SHIT that was DEFINITELY my water breaking uh wow yeah that is unmistakeable.

I actually said "OH SHIT" and woke up The Man. Then I was like "SO I'M GOING TO MAKE A PHONE CALL" as he starts getting dressed. Since I was group B strep positive, my water breaking meant WELP HOSPITAL TIME RIGHT NOW. For most people, water breaking is HEY WELCOME TO LABOR PRETTY SOON GO AHEAD AND STAY HOME SLEEP IF YOU CAN. Yeah.

So I call the midwives and am like no really my water broke, I'm sitting in a like foot-wide wet spot on my bed, really, that's what it has to be. I wasn't having contractions at that point, but they were like "yeah, you should come in." So we finish getting dressed, finish packing the auxiliary hospital bag, and make our way down there.

Before we left, I took one last belly picture, and I'm smiling in it for the first time in weeks, because my mind is saying BABY IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OR LESS AWWWWW YEAH.

Here is that picture:

We get to the hospital, and while The Man parks the car, I check in. I'm still not really having contractions. I'd had one or two in the car, but nothing big and nothing regular. I sign another eight million forms and get walked up to the antenatal testing and evaluation unit, so that they can test and evaluate us HAR HAR. Basically they had me get naked, put on a hospital gown, have people stick some pH paper in my vagina to see if it was amniotic fluid I was leaking (OH I TOTALLY WAS), then hook me up to the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor, like they would do during a non-stress test.

I FINALLY HAD SOME CONTRACTIONS WHILE BEING MONITORED it was so fucking affirming. Finally, NO, I WASN'T MAKING THIS UP I KNEW WHAT I WAS FEELING WERE CONTRACTIONS. But it's like three-thirty in the morning so after the heplock was put in my arm (and the nurse who did that did an AMAZING job), so they dim the lights and advise us to get some sleep. We are also told that it's a busy night and all of the labor and delivery rooms are currently full, so who knows if or when we'll get one! It could be interesting!

I'm laying in the bed, and The Man is trying to sleep in the one chair in the room, and not doing well. I'm kind of dozing, but mostly super excited. So I try to read as I'm getting my penicillin. This is maybe four, four-thirty in the morning. And I start having regular contractions. So I start timing them.

They're ten minutes apart.

Then seven minutes apart.

Then five minutes apart.

FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

They're not super-painful, but it's enough that I'm like yup, contraction. So when the nurse comes in she hooks me back up to the monitor, and puts the word out that we'll need a labor and delivery room. The Man and I entertain ourselves by watching the monitor through the contractions. They're getting a bit stronger, enough that I have to take a few deep breaths during them, but not bad. The Man is fascinated by being able to predict exactly when he'll see my facial expression change during a contraction.

The nurse and I naturally chit-chatted and made friends. She asked if I had a birth plan and what it was, and when I told her that I was planning no painkillers, that labor didn't scare me, she told me "oooh I love the tough girls, y'all are my favorite". Pretty much all of the nurses, I made friends with. It was awesome.

Around seven, seven-thirty, a labor and delivery room is free, so our nurse snags that shit for us and we are moved down the hall. I walked under my own power! Good times. The labor and delivery room is much larger, has a more comfortable bed, has more outlets, and its own bathroom with a jacuzzi and a shower, hell yeah. We are advised to sleep while we can, and hey, here's the room service menu maybe order some breakfast they'll bring it to you. So we order some food. We got blueberry pancakes, which were adequate. I didn't eat much, again, excited, and really didn't have much of an appetite.

Also it was apparently an ISSUE that I brought my own thyroid medication and took it myself without a nurse there whoops. Everything I'd read said "take your medications with you to the hospital", and the nurses were like "oh well we'll get you some Synthroid from our pharmacy why use yours". I had to explain that I wasn't ON Synthroid, I was on Tirosint, and I'd prefer to use mine, thanks. They took my box of meds to the pharmacy to get checked in, which took hours, and basically all that happened was it was put in a ziploc bag with a little sticker on it with my name and a barcode, and had a disclaimer form in there that I never signed that said I DO NOT HOLD THE HOSPITAL OR PHARMACY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDICATION etc. and so on.  Yeah, okay. Wev.

So for most of the morning and afternoon, I was in labor. I was also on Twitter, because it was early labor, and yeah, I could tell it was happening, but it wasn't super painful. For a while I was on a birthing ball, I took a hot shower for like forty-five minutes, I walked around. The nurses and midwives encouraged me to eat, so we got some lunch. I had a cheeseburger and fries, which were okay but not the most amazing cheeseburger I've had. But okay. The Man was on the internets on his tablet and trying to sleep in the chair in the room.

Throughout the afternoon, the intensity of the contractions ramped up - as in, they were more painful, and I'd have to stop talking during one, but nothing where I was OMG IN PAIN OMG. I had penicillin every four hours, and that was really the reason I was at the hospital - otherwise I would have gone through all of this at home. The contractions varied some more in their timing - they would be five minutes apart, then ten for a while, then back to seven, but they didn't stop. I also continued leaking fluid, which was OH SO FUN. I basically spent the day wearing just a hospital gown, because fuck underwear when a baby could pop out soon.

I also definitely spent like an hour talking with one of the nurses - who herself had like NINE KIDS - about the state of child mental health services and child protection services in the state.

In the bathroom was a bag with some mesh underwear, and giant-ass pads. There was a package of pads on the shelf in the bathroom - "Curity" was the brand, but it was open and the bag had sagged just enough that it looked like it said "Cunty", which entertained me NO END.

The nurses also had me walking up and down the hall, which I did with The Man. My hips were still in poor shape, so it was slow progress, and the later it got, the more I had to stop walking during contractions, but it was fine.

Towards about four pm, the midwife came in to see me. The nice thing was the midwife on duty all day was one that I REALLY liked - she was the one who gave me the huge hug when I was released from maternal-fetal medicine. So anyway, she comes in to check up on me. And while the fact that I'm still in early labor is not in and of itself a problem, she's concerned because by this point I'd had A LOT of penicillin. Like a lot a lot. And they don't have a time limit on delivery, per se - so nothing like "within 24 hours of your water breaking" - but that's a lot of drugs for me and baby, and maybe we should think about a little pitocin to see if that kicks things in to high gear.

I am okay with this plan because I AM DONE BEING PREGNANT I AM HAVING MY BABY GODDAMN TODAY THAT IS FINAL.

The midwife advised me to eat something, because once the pitocin started, I wouldn't be allowed to eat anything. Also, I'd have to be hooked up to a monitor continuously during the pitocin. Oh and we should do an ultrasound to confirm what position the baby is in.

The Man brought me some toast with peanut butter on it, and I wolfed that down. I also drank some more water. We did an ultrasound and the baby was in the right occiput posterior position - so head down, but the back along my right side, and hir face was facing up, away from my back - "sunny-side up" if you will, and looking right at the ultrasound wand. Which explained a few things, especially how I could feel their hands fluttering right in front and low during the last few months of pregnancy. It also explained why I kept leaning back during contractions.

Once we did the ultrasound, I was hooked back up to the monitors and we started the pitocin. I really didn't have much of it - maybe 1 cc in total. Basically it started and a few minutes later OH SHIT hi welcome to active labor. I had been skeptical about the "oh, you won't be able to mistake active labor" bit that I was told, but NOPE NO MISTAKING THIS. ACTIVE LABOR WAS NOT KIDDING. I was laying in the bed, on my right side - in the hopes that we could help the baby to rotate - and jeezy muffin creezy. I held on tight to the rail of the bed, moaned, wanted to scream but was talked through moaning by the midwife, and yo, it wasn't kidding.

I also puked. A LOT.

Now, I had been nauseated during contractions earlier, and had said a few times "ugh I feel like I'm going to puke." This, after a few contractions, went from "I feel like I'm going to puke" to "DEFINITELY GOING TO PUKE". Some quick thinking from the midwife and The Man ensured I had a container to puke in. The peanut butter toast? Came right back up. And then I puked like three more times. After the second time, I am pretty sure my entire GI tract tried to evacuate via my throat. It was deeply, deeply unpleasant. I fucking hate puking, and I honestly could not help it at all. It was NOPE PUKING NOW.

The midwife was wonderful. She told me "during labor, vomit and blood and nausea are GOOD signs." Which, yes, the were signs labor was progressing, but oh jeebus, fuck vomiting, fuck that shit.

I also started having back labor. Fuck back labor. I labored for a while on my hands and knees, which made keeping the monitor hooked up to me difficult. They kept losing the baby's heartbeat. We decided to take me off the pitocin so that I could be taken off the monitors. They still had to check the baby's heartbeat every fifteen minutes, but I didn't have to be continuously monitored. Active labor definitely continued without the pitocin. The midwife encouraged me to breathe, moan with a low pitch, mouth open - "open mouth open cervix" - and relax between contractions. During the first part of active labor, that was pretty easy to do, especially while I was on my hands and knees.

Later on, that was not so easy. Like I said, I definitely had back labor. Back labor is unsurprising with a posterior-presenting baby. I spent a long time sitting on the toilet, because it had a really high pipe in the back for the flush mechanism, and I could rest my head on it between contractions.

After an hour or two, the midwives wanted me to move, so I was back on the birthing ball, leaning back against The Man. The contractions were way more intense. With back labor, I didn't get a break during contractions at all, so basically I was constantly in pain. The pain definitely got WORSE during a contraction, but it never went away. That made labor a fuckton harder. Additionally, I was getting frustrated because the nurse would talk me through a contraction - saying things like "okay, it's easing, it's going away now". Which wasn't always true. I had a number of contractions that "double-peaked", meaning I'd hit a peak pain in the contraction, and it would fade a little, then hit a second, stronger peak before finally easing. They would also come in waves - three less intense contractions, then three more intense contractions.

The nurses and midwives also wanted me to lean forward with contractions, but that made shit hurt worse - also not unusual with a posterior baby and back labor. So I kept leaning back with contractions.

By this point, I was tired as fuck and crying. All I could say was "make it stop, make it stop". I was pretty out of it with pain. Not going to lie, I had a conversation with the nurse and The Man about how I know I had said I didn't want an epidural but oh my god the pain just didn't stop, it wouldn't stop, make it stop. The nurse put me off and said "well when the midwife comes back we can talk about an epidural." She told me after I gave birth that once I hit that point, she was pretty sure I was at least 8-9 centimeters dilated.

Some time later, the midwife came back in. The earlier midwife had gone off duty, so this was a new one - except that we'd met her when we went in thinking that maybe my water had broken. Her style was not huggy, it was very calm, matter of fact, and firm, which is what I needed at that point. She had me get up on the bed and try laying on my side. And then I had a contraction and OH WELL SHIT WE'RE PUSHING NOW. It was honestly a little frightening. I was pushing and I did not have a choice in the matter, it was happening SO FUCKING THERE. Like I said, I was kind of out of it with pain, so I cried as I explained that I had to push I couldn't help it.  The midwife did the first and only vaginal exam I had and said "you're almost fully dilated, there's just a thin rim and one more good contraction should to it." That got my attention - even the midwife said "oh you just came back to me a little now." And honestly I had, for two reasons. The first was that the end was in sight. The second was that the back pain had gone away finally, indicating The Kid had rotated and was ready to rock and roll.

I pushed for about twenty minutes. Not straight - I was still only having contractions about every four to five minutes, so I got a definite break. During contractions, the nurse and The Man were holding up my legs, as I was laying on my back in the bed. Which we found interesting, because we heard how oh, that's the hardest position, it's better to squat, blah blah blah, and here I was in it anyway. Whatever, it worked and didn't hurt.

And really, pushing hurt way less than active labor. It was intense as fuck - there was definitely one where I screamed like R2D2 - but it hurt less. The midwife did have to keep reminding me don't scream with the effort, push all that down. So instead my face turned MASSIVELY PURPLE - The Man was like "oh shit, is she going to have a freaking aneurism" he told me later. It was a LOT of effort. But in between I put my legs down, and was aware enough that when I felt one coming on, I could be like "pick up my legs please" before I had to really push.

As I was pushing, the midwife first asked if I wanted a mirror. I responded with a flat "NO." A bit later, as The Kid was crowning, she said "give me your hand" and I responded with the same flat "NO." The Man watched the entire process, but I was not interested in watching or feeling with my hand. I WAS PRETTY AWARE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING, I DO HAVE NERVE ENDINGS IN AND AROUND MY VAGINA, THANK YOU. I KNOW WHERE THE KID IS, AND THEY ARE NOT OUT YET.

Like I said, I only pushed for like twenty minutes. At one point the midwife was asking after the OB on call and asking that they be notified to be ready, which I thought meant that I was going to have a c-section. I thought to myself OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO. This perception was bolstered by the fact that as The Kid descended through the birth canal, their heart rate started dropping. So the midwife was pretty clear that The Kid needed to come out REAL QUICK. After another push the midwife said "we need to do an episiotomy, is that okay?" and I was barely done saying "okay" before I felt the snip. And after maybe three more pushes The Kid was out.

After the head popped out the midwife told me to stop for a minute and not push - turns out The Kid had their hands fisted up in front of their mouth, and then the cord wrapped around all of that, so the midwife quickly unlooped the cord, and then then PLOP baby was out. Feeling a baby slither out of my vagina was definitely an interesting feeling I am never going to forget.

They put the baby on my chest, skin-to-skin, where I exhaustedly cooed to hir. Then they took hir away to be weighed, etc. The Man went with. I stayed on the table. For over an hour. Because it turns out the reason the midwife wanted the OB ready to go was because she could tell that oh shit was I going to need some serious stitching up. During the stitching up, I chatted with the OB and midwife. Turns out the midwives there have a 2% episiotomy rate so yeah, I really needed one, and even with that, I had a 3rd degree tear and a fair amount of interior and lateral tearing as well. Like I said, it was over an hour to stitch me up. I also found out that I lost almost as much blood as I would have had I had a c-section FUN TIMES.

After I was stitched up, The Man brought The Kid over to me so that I could try breastfeeding. All of the sites and shit are like OH MAKE SURE THE BABY LATCHES ON IN THE FIRST HOUR AFTER BIRTH, yeah, well, that wasn't an option, but it didn't seem to matter, because The Kid latched on like a fucking PRO and nursed contentedly.

After that and some additional clean-up, and after a bassinet was found - they were running a little short on those - we finally got moved to the post-partum room. The hospital was so busy that weekend that we were in an overflow room on a different floor, in one of the pediatric units. But, the room had a cot for The Man, and there was still snacks down the hall. My overnight nurse for my entire stay was Pam, and lo, she was AWESOME. We really bonded. She was tickled when I informed her that by bringing me food, she was now my FAVORITEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, for lo, I was SO FUCKING HUNGRY. I devoured some Cheerios, some peanut butter toast, a fuckton of water, graham crackers, some other shit. Basically whatever was available for free in the kitchen down the hall (one of the selling points to this hospital was that the labor and delivery unit had kitchens available for patient use, including free food like cereal, milk, tea, coffee, juice, ginger ale, popsicles, bread, bagels, butter, peanut butter... that sort of thing). FOOD WAS DELICIOUS.

Also the midwife came and checked up on me. Turns out after you give birth, they are really keen on you peeing as soon as possible. But everything is all swollen and numb in that area, so it can be difficult. I got to pee in front of my nurse and midwife. Turns out the trick is to sit on the toilet and blow in to a straw in a cup of water. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, but it totally works. Pam them showed me the joys of ice packs and witch hazel and lidocaine delivered to one's bits via mesh undies. Bulky, messy, and yet OH MY FUCKING GOD FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

And then I slept. By the time The Velociraptor was born, I had been up for about 36 hours and The Man for over 40. He made up the cot in the room and had passed the fuck out about five minutes after we got the room. Once I had eaten and peed and gotten a dose of ibuprofen and The Kid was asleep, I did the same thing. Mmm. Sleep.

And that's basically it. Even during labor, I never was like I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. It was hard. It was painful... and yeah I want more kids. Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my care providers and hospital (I do NOT love the bills, but wev). They were awesome and I will definitely be returning if possible for the next one.

SHIT HAPPENING TO MY NO-LONGER-PREGNANT ASS

[Content: tmi, medical]

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I HAVE A BABY AND ZIE'S ALREADY A MONTH OLD AND WHAT THE FUUUUCCKKKKK

How has this month this month and a half and almost two months gone by so quickly? I am pretty sure I gave birth like, last weekend y'all, and somehow I have this gorgeous baby who quickly outgrew their newborn-sized clothes and who smiles and coos and giggles and grunts and farts and is just SO FREAKING ADORABLE ALL THE TIME and who smells so good and eats so well and is growing SO FAST.

Mostly this past month my time has been taken up sleeping, nursing The Kid (aka The Velociraptor), and for the first two weeks, mostly sitting on the couch exhausted, but for the last few weeks, doing laundry, reading books, doing the dishes, making bottles, folding clothes, cooking dinner, shit like that. Also feeding myself and peeing. So much peeing.

I've also been working on completely re-learning how to walk, for like the eight thousandth time in my life. My hips were SO loose and out of alignment by the time I gave birth. It was really bad. Giving birth actually pretty much immediately relieved the constant pain I was in - funny how not having OVER EIGHT POUNDS OF BABY sitting RIGHT ON A LOOSE FLOPPY JOINT eases that. But I'd gotten in to a lot of habits to compensate for that joint, which, now that it's not as floppy, it doesn't have all that extra pressure on it, and my actual hip joints are easing back in, are causing me pain. So I'm having to constantly remind myself that I need to stand up straight, and don't need to waddle any more, and can effectively use my abdominal muscles to stabilize my spine again, etc. and so on. It's a work in progress.

But, it is in progress. I don't parcel out my activity in terms of how many times I can do the stairs in a day anymore. I mean, I am doing so much laundry - since we're using cloth diapers at home - but going up and down the stairs three or four times a day is okay. I went out last weekend and ran errands and went to like five stores and I WAS OKAY. I've been cooking dinner nearly every night after the first two weeks - OMFG HAVE I MENTIONED I LIKE FOOD AGAIN. FOOD IS AMAZING. I WANT TO EAT IT. ALSO COOK IT. I HAD PORK CHOPS AND TORTILLA SOUP AND ALL SORTS OF THE THINGS MY PREGNANT ASS COULDN'T EAT AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

Also I can wear high heels again, which is fantastic. Flats don't make my back and feet hurt as much as they did pre-pregnancy, but they are definitely back to being way less comfortable. My feet have not changed size either, which is helpful.

I don't feel like my body has changed shape or size much either. Oh, let's be real, I have a whole bunch of brand new, angry purple stretch marks all over my belly. But... I'm back in my old clothes. Not that I ever wore "maternity" clothes anyway, or bought any bigger clothes for myself. But I'm back in the jeans and shirts that were a bit too small. My belly is still soft and floppy and jiggly, but it was BEFORE I got pregnant. My boobs are still definitely bigger, especially since I am breastfeeding at least most of the time, and I don't have a single bra that fits properly, but since most of my days I'm just at home with The Kid, fuck it, I just don't wear a bra.

The one thing that may have changed would be my bits, and honestly, it's not like I looked at them, uh, at all before I got pregnant, and I haven't looked at them since I gave birth. I do know that there were A LOT of stitches put in there, and there's a couple that seem to have not quite healed. But everything seems like it's more or less okay and where it belongs? I don't know. I get them checked out IN FULL in about a week, and The Man is definitely keeping count of how many days are left until I get cleared by my midwife. (I was informed by my mother that my father ALSO kept close track of how many days were left until OMG SEXYTIMES, which on the one hand, omg, not thinking about my parents having sex, and on the other, is hilarious).

I'm also in so much better health mentally. The last month of pregnancy was really fucking tough on me, and in ways that I'm still figuring out and didn't realize at the time. I am aware that I was cranky, angry, rude, had no patience, and was unpleasant to be around, and I'm sorry. I really am much better now though. Amazing what not being in pain does for one's mental health - which I also realize I don't need to explain to many people who read this blog or follow me on the twitter-machine. Yeah, I get tired, and for the first two weeks especially, I was a, weepy as hell, and b, super-frustrated that I couldn't be up and doing everything I wanted to yet.

The weepiness was hormonal - I would see my parents holding The Kid and be all like "That's my MOM" or "that's my DAD! HOLDING MY BABY!" and be so overwhelmed with joy and happiness and sadness that oh my god, they won't always be around and the baby is growing SO QUICKLY and a whole host of other emotions that they were too much to contain and they all leaked down my face. Or I'd be reading a book and something bad would happen to a baby or child and be all like "THAT IS SO TERRIBLE OH MY GOD I HOPE THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO MY CHILD I AM SO SAD", etc. and so on. It's eased up, a lot. I'm still feeling more of those kinds of emotions than I was, but they're not leaking down my face anymore, which, I am grateful for.

The frustration was definitely OKAY I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRAP ANYMORE I WANT TO DO LAUNDRY AND SHIT and it was really hard for me to have my mom doing it all for those first two weeks. Both my folks were over here pretty much every day the first week after The Kid was born, and my mom stayed with us another week. So she cooked, and did laundry, and spring cleaned the house, and I am immensely grateful for it... and struggled a lot with guilt and frustration around it. It was hard for me to realize that yeah, if I had REALLY needed to do all of those things that early on, I could have... but the first week especially, I really wasn't capable of it, and it was better for me to rest and build up strength, and it was PERFECTLY FINE for someone to help me and do them for me for a while.

And it really helped. Yeah, I was tired after she left... but I'd had two solid weeks where I could really rest and heal, and I think it made a huge difference.

So now my days are getting up with The Velociraptor, feeding The Velociraptor (always feeding... this child, y'all, swear to Maude zie has a hollow leg because I don't know where four hours of nursing and 20 oz. of formula goes SERIOUSLY), changing diapers, washing diapers, figuring out what to eat for dinner, thinking about leaving the house, sometimes ACTUALLY LEAVING THE HOUSE... and yeah, I'm pretty happy. Tired by late at night, but happy.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 40

[Contents: medical, tmi, weight, mention of previous miscarriage]

WHY AM I STILL PREGNANT

Okay before I go any further, let me make a few things clear: one, I am so not looking for advice, so please miss me with that. Two, I really, really do not want anyone saying to me "oh but first babies are almost always late", "most pregnancies go past their due date", "only x% of babies arrive on their due date", or any variation thereof.

Partly because I know all of the statistics already, thanks, and partly because THIS WAS IN NO WAY WHAT I WAS LED TO BELIEVE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

"Oh well ha ha no one can predi-" SHUT. THE. ENTIRE. FUCK. UP.

If you've been reading for a while, you know that I have (had? maybe at this point "had" is more appropriate) a number of risk factors for pre-term birth, including thyroid disease, a history of spontaneous miscarriage, vaginal bleeding during pregnancy, a short cervix (including having an emergency cerclage put in), low pregnancy weight gain, and anti-thyroid antibodies. Basically, every single care provider I have seen at this point is extremely shocked that I made it to 38 weeks, NEVER EVEN MIND THAT I AM PAST 40 WEEKS NOW.

For anyone who would like to spout some "oh but your dates are probably off tee hee" shit, no, they're not. I know the exact date I fucking ovulated, which was confirmed by a very early ultrasound, so fuck off. While I do think that the method most often used to date a pregnancy, Naegele's Rule, does play a role in the fact that more pregnancies go past 40 weeks than not, that was not the method used to date my pregnancy.

Even more fun: for pregnant folks with ultrasound-indicated cerclages (LIKE MINE), on average they deliver about 2 weeks after cerclage removal. (This is a PDF of one of the studies looking at this sort of thing. I have not been able to find a non-PDF source yet, but if I do, I'll add it.) So mean delivery time is just under 14 days after cerclage removal, plus or minus 10 days. Tomorrow will be that "plus 10 days" point for me. I had my cerclage out over three weeks ago.

There is still no sign that I will be delivering this kid any time soon. Oh sure, I've been having contractions off and on since two days after the cerclage removal. Bloody show? Check; that was three weeks ago too. On multiple occasions, I have had contractions 10 minutes apart for an hour, even 5 minutes apart for an hour. I've had contractions that have made me stop what I was doing, or made me lean against the wall, take deep breaths, actually say "fuck, ow". Before anyone tries to lecture me "Oh well Braxton-Hicks can be painful", if they were Braxton-Hicks, I'd kind of expect them to stop when I laid down and drank a couple glasses of water, which is NOT WHAT HAPPENS, so you can also shut the entire fuck up. I was 2 cm dilated THREE POINT FIVE WEEKS AGO, and 50% effaced. The Kid was at -2 engagement (translation: head dropped in to my pelvis, but not quite all the way.) As of Wednesday, THAT HAS NOT CHANGED.

Sunday, we thought maybe something was happening. From Sunday in to Monday, I had contractions about half an hour apart for OVER 24 HOURS. Monday afternoon, they stopped for a bit, then came back 10 minutes apart. We thought for sure that would be it, especially since we live in Boston, Monday was the Boston Marathon, and getting anywhere on Marathon Monday is THE biggest pain in the ass. Then the contractions stopped.

Tuesday I didn't have much, except that all of a sudden, huh, wow, some sort of watery vaginal discharge where there wasn't before! Could this be amniotic fluid? MAYBE. So I watch and wait and yeah, five hours later, still slowly leaking a bit, so I call my doctor's office. I wouldn't have cared, except that I am Group B Strep positive, which, long story short, means if my water breaks, I need to proceed directly to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Regardless of when my water breaks - which, it's more likely to break in active labor than beforehand, but wev - I need to receive antibiotics every four hours during active labor, and ideally I'd have at least 2 doses before The Kid arrives.) So I call. And I'm like, I'm not sure, but it's enough of a change and I know that if it is amniotic fluid, we need to take steps, and the OB on call agreed, so about 11:45 Tuesday night we headed to the hospital.

No, I did not post anything on Twitter about it, no we did not call our parents, because fuck if I'm getting everyone excited for something just as likely to be a false alarm.

Which it was.

We get to the hospital, they hook me up to the monitors, The Kid kicks the monitors, they test to see if it's amniotic fluid, it's not, thankfully neither the nurse nor the midwife gave me much of that condescending "oh it's your first pregnancy you clearly don't know what's going on" shit or else someone would have died, we got sent home.

Yesterday, I'm in the shower, and holy shit, here I am leaning against the wall because OW. Every seven minutes, OW. I start thinking about calling The Man and saying hey, maybe you should think about leaving work. I ponder this for about ten minutes, during which point the contractions stop. I get up, walk around, fold some laundry, eat some beans and rice, hahahahah NOPE we're done for the day.

I consider shanking some motherfuckers. Which, honestly, my interests right now are first and foremost, HAVING A DAMN KID ALREADY JEEBUS, sleeping, eating (mostly beans and rice, because oh my fucking god beans and rice is so delicious), and SHANKING MOTHERFUCKERS.

Meanwhile my pelvis is still a floppy, relaxin-fucked mess, I have weird stretch marks all over my belly, my belly dropped OH RIGHT LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO ALREADY, I have not been able to find new bras (which I made the mistake of tweeting about... I'm totally shocked the random person on Twitter who insisted no no, they totally make stretchy multiple-cup sized bras in your size hasn't gotten back to me yet... BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES THOSE IN MY SIZE IT'S LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING), thank fuck I still have pants and shirts that fit, I'm getting sick of packing my meds and glasses and chargers and shit every time I leave the house, and if one more person asks me "still pregnant?" or any variation thereof, I will be announcing The Kid's arrival AT LEAST A MONTH AFTERWARDS YOU CAN ALL JUST GO SCREW.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 37

[Contents: medical, definitely TMI]

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you follow me on the Twittermachine, you probably know why I'm yelling, but I'm going to back this up and start at the beginning.

So 37 weeks is one of the weeks that was definitely highly marked on my calendar, because at 37 weeks, the cerclage comes out. So leading up to Wednesday, I definitely had, some nerves and trepidation.

We also had our last childbirth class this past Sunday, which went well. In the car on the way over I remember thinking "hm, my back hurts, but this is not my usual 'whoops fucked up my lower back again' back hurt, this is different, let's file this shit away". Which is what I did.

The last childbirth class main event is the hospital tour, which was great, except for the part with all of the walking and standing around. I mean, I get why we were standing around - there's no way to predict which rooms are open for viewing, what's going on, etc., so for each part of the ward (ante-natal monitoring, labor and delivery, post-partum), our instructor had to leave us in the hallway and go talk to the floor nurses to see what was up and where we could go. It's just that walking is tough on my third-trimester hips, and standing ain't much better. Plus there were, you know, like 20 of us crammed in to one room at a time, and that got HOT, which made me and a few of the other pregnant folks almost pass out. So that was not fun.

Good things are one, we like the hospital, it seems nice, two, I got to ask the nurses about hospital gowns and those mesh panties like every pregnancy-related blog in the history of ever talks about and whether they had them in my size. Which, they were very nice about being asked. They did try to reassure me about the knickers "oh they're stretchy" but when I explained that yes I knew that, and had had a cerclage at <well-known area hospital> in December and they still did not fit me, they were like "Oh, no problem, then, we can order them, and if we don't have them on the floor when you're here, we can have another floor send some down, no big deal." So that was reassuring.

Then we get to Wednesday, when I am 37 weeks exactly and I have the appointment to take the cerclage out. I'll probably do an entry about that process in detail, but suffice it to say that while it was unpleasant, I didn't find it particularly painful (there are some horror stories you can find on the internet about it, which OBVIOUSLY I read). After it was out they threw me on the monitor for a while to see how The Kid was doing and if I was having any contractions from having my cervix highly messed with. Apparently right after the thing came out I was about 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which sounds impressive until you realize that there are pregnant folks who walk around in that state for LITERALLY WEEKS before delivering. Kid was fine, and I wasn't having any contractions to speak of, so I got sent home.

Thursday I'm spotting some - expected after cerclage removale - and having some irregular contractions, but nothing big. Mostly all day I was antsy and cranky, and none of my usual tricks to alleviate those states worked. Usually cranky is "need more foods", and I kept eating foods, but was still cranky. Antsy usually is nesting, so I went and did some more baby laundry and put away baby clothes and it DIDN'T HELP either, so I was antsy and cranky.

Then we get to Friday. Thursday night I was dreaming about being in labor, and woke up a couple of times with contractions, but nothing regular and nothing serious enough I couldn't just roll over and go back to sleep. Friday morning, I get up, pee, and oh, wow, yeah that is definitely a pretty decent sized chunk of gelatinous crap streaked with blood. Bloody show, real thing in the world folks. (Yes, you can google pictures of it if you want to.) And then some bright red spotting, which was unusual and a little like, uh, whoa. So I call the midwives and tell them what's happening - bloody show, bright red spotting, irregular contractions the past few days, cranky, antsy, etc. - and they're like "well you aren't in active labor yet, but given your history you'll probably go sooner rather than later." Okay, cool, at least I have nothing to worry about.

Then I call my mom, because my instincts are telling me "nope, stay home", and I have an appointment later that day (not doctor/midwife). And I tell her what's happening and y'all, my mom is so unbelievably excited and it's like LOOK CALM DOWN MOM. She remains convinced I will go in to active labor today, ps. We'll see about that. But she concurs staying home is probably a better idea, so I stay home.

And then I get an hour of contractions about oh, twelve minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.

Then another hour, about ten minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.

And again.

Then an hour later I have contractions five minutes apart, for an hour. And I was pretty sure yes, these are contractions, because I'd catch myself taking deep breaths, or rolling my hips, and be like oh, well. And note the time and about how long it lasted, and what it felt like.

They all feel a little different. Sometimes it's like someone is squeezing my abdomen in from both sides. Sometimes they're like period cramps, really low down, right above my pubic bone. Sometimes I could feel my uterus tighten up from top to bottom. Sometimes my back would hurt and it would wrap around to the front. Sometimes it was a low, tight pulling. Which, the internet tells me are all accurate descriptions of contractions.  HELPFUL.

WOULD BE MORE HELPFUL IF THEY WOULDN'T STOP.

I literally had contractions, regular contractions, five minutes apart, lasting a minute each, for an hour, AND THEN THEY STOPPED.

STOPPED.

MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR.

After that, I had some more contractions, including some more about 7 minutes apart for half an hour. Then I called my mother to whine, because this is some bullshit, and she laughs and says that all of her pregnancies ended like that, and what happened with her is that after a day and a half of this bullshit, since she was already past 41 weeks, she was told to come in, and with her first two, they artificially broke her water, and with her third, they gave her pitocin, but good news was nothing was ever horrifically painful and once active labor DID get going, it was quick - maybe a few hours.

*sigh*

This matches my research - there's a term for this start-stop business, it's "prodromal labor". There's a bunch of theories about why some people get it and some don't; the predominant theory is that it's helping position the fetus in the best position for the birth canal. Problem is, no one can say how long it will last. Some people report they had it for a day, some report literally three weeks.

Y'all if this last three weeks... look I can't even.

There's also no telling when it will flip over to active labor. There are some exercises and positions recommended to help if it's a positioning problem, so yeah I'm trying those, but there's no guarantee it'll flip the switch, so to speak. And again, once the switch is flipped, active labor tends to be short.

And I still just want to stay home and snuggly and not leave. Like, the nesting feeling is GONE. I'm still cranky, but nope, staying home, need to stay home, wrap me in some blankets and rub my back and feed me popsicles.

I can't tell if my instinct saying "yeah, baby SOON" is actual instinct or just a strong desire for this BULLSHIT MAKE UP YOUR MIND SHIT to end soon.  Sigh.

So that's where we're at. Today I have had some irregular contractions and some brief periods of more regular shit. I'm trying to ignore it as best I can. My water hasn't broken, and nothing has been horribly painful (although knowing what I know about my pain tolerance, and the fact that yeah I've lived through six months at a time of excruciating sciatica, so I dismiss the "oh you will know because it's so painful" descriptions mostly), but I am having prodromal labor and lost the mucus plug, and have continued spotting, which implies that my cervix is probably still effacing and dilating.

So... we wait. Could be tonight! Could be three weeks from now! There's no way to know! GREAT.

SO EVERYONE JUST SLOW YOUR ROLL, OKAY? LOOKING AT YOU, MOM.

Shit Happening to My Pregnant Ass: Week 36

[Contents: TMI, medical]

JEEZY MUFFIN CREEZY I AM THIRTY-MOTHERFUCKING-SIX WEEKS PREGNANT WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.

I looked at The Man yesterday and said "You know, there is a small but non-zero chance that we will have a baby in a week."

This is because next Wednesday, at 37 weeks, the cerclage gets taken out. And once that's out... I could immediately start dilating and we could proceed directly to the hospital. Or I could just chill out for three or more weeks and deliver after my due date. There's no real way to know for sure.

But... a small, yet non-zero chance that this time next week I will have a baby.

SO THAT'S A FUN REALIZATION.

This week I stopped the progesterone supplements I was on, so that also makes it a small but non-zero chance I will have a baby soon.

So, things I am anxious about still include things like OH SHIT I HAVE TO WASH BABY CLOTHES AFTER THE SHOWER THIS WEEKEND and BUT WHAT WILL THE BABY WEAR HOME (which, I talked to my mother about today, and she found it hilarious - which I do too - and she also said "yeah I took one outfit to the hospital and set aside a couple things at home so that if I had to send your father to get something, it was clear what to grab."), and now OH SHIT I WILL HAVE A BABY MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE DRASTICALLY AND VERY SOON.

Still highly sanguine about the entire PROCESS of birthing a baby, and the whole "taking care of a baby" thing. But the "wait a minute they're going to let US? BE PARENTS. WHAAAAAAT." has kicked in.

Meanwhile speaking of The Kid, had one of my NOW WEEKLY appointments with the midwives. Still measuring ahead in terms of fundal height, surprising NOBODY. Heartbeat sounded good too. All indications are the The Kid is doing well.

Honestly, I'm doing pretty well too. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy. I mean, I get tired - I'm tired today - but it's after I do stuff, and then I sleep and I feel better and have energy again. My mood seems to be pretty stable, and my hips and pelvis still hurt, but not as bad. And I tend to have more energy per day than I have through most of the pregnancy. So I'm not complaining; it's coming in handy in terms of nesting and shit, but yeah. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy.

I am however looking forward to hopefully not having weird-ass food aversions soon, and hopefully being able to wear all of my usual, heeled shoes again soon. PLEASE PLEASE.

This is getting really old

[Contents: food, food aversions, vomit]

So this is what is getting really old, and had me nearly crying at the dinner table tonight THANKS HORMONES:

Food aversions.

Yeah, they're a common pregnancy side effect, and most sources will tell you oh, they go away after the first trimester. This is not true for everyone, and it is not true for me.

Here is a list of foods I normally eat, and usually like anywhere from quite fine to PLEASE PUT THIS IN MY FACE, that I have not been able to stand during pregnancy:

• Cooked pork. I don't eat bacon, ham, or any of their exotic cousins anyway, because those nauseate the hell out of me, even to smell them. Eating them has lead to vomiting. But other pork products, such as ribs or pork chops or even pork roast, I am usually fine with. No. Not during pregnancy. None of those are okay. Sausage, however, in pretty much any form, remains fine.
• Chili. I make really good beef chili. Even thinking about it right now makes me a little queasy. The day I cooked it for The Man, that was a bad, bad day, because it takes hourrrsssss to cook.
• Tortilla Soup. Tortilla soup is one of my favorite soups. It's spicy and salty and you put cheese in it and it's amazing. NOPE. Made it a month ago and could not even bring myself to take a bite.
• Taco Casserole. Also one of my favorites, it's a pretty easy dinner to throw together and we can usually kill an entire batch of it in two days. Oh god, I need to end this list soon, thinking about all of this shit is not doing me any favors. Anyway, this is also spices + tomatoes + meat.
• Barbequed... anything. I had some barbecued ribs at Christmas (why yes, one of the traditional Christmas meats in our family is ribs), and normally I love them, and they were okay... but not the best and I had to not eat a lot. And barbequed, say, chicken right now? NOPE.

Now see, I would think there's a theme of sorts here - spicy tomato-and-meat-based dishes, but NOPE. Because here are things that have been fucking delicious:

• Curry. IN ANY FORM. Lamb curry, chicken makhani, dal, lamb bhuna, PLEASE GIVE ME ALL OF THE CURRIES. All of my favorite curries are heavily tomato-based, and I tend to like at least a "medium" level of spiciness. Fucking delicious, and if I had more garlic naan, I'd warm up some of the chicken makhani I made Friday and eat it right now.
• Tacos. REGULAR TACOS ARE JUST FINE. They are delicious in fact! I have made them a bazillion times because they consistently sound good! Granted, there's no tomatoes in them, but it's clearly not just taco spices that are my problem.
• Fajitas. PLEASE PUT MORE FAJITAS IN MY FACE THEY'RE DELICIOUS. These also involve chili powder and many of the same spices that are in my chili, so I don't know what the deal is.
• Beans and rice. The black beans from my favorite local Tex-Mex restaurant? INVOLVE PORK STOCK. The rice? has all sorts of veg matter in there, including I think tomatoes. Could eat these every motherfucking day.
• Pasta bake. Oh my maude, give me some like, baked ziti with a good tomato sauce and some Italian sausage mixed in and cheese melted on top. Have made this eight thousand times too because it tastes good.
• Chicken parm subs. Clearly my problem is not meat + tomato sauce.
• Roast chicken. We had to punt a week ago Sunday on dinner, because we ordered chicken parm sandwiches and the site had fucked up and the place where we get them was closed, so The Man ducked in to the Whole Foods across the street and got one of their roasted chickens and some mashed potatoes. Oh my fucking god, so good. When I roast a chicken at home, I do not bother doing it any other way than with two lemons [warning: diet talk at that link, but the recipe is 100% worth your time if you do meat].
• Buffalo wings. I had some two weeks ago after baby-havin' class and it was the best party in my mouth that week.
• Fried chicken. yesssssss
• Potatoes. Preferably fried or mashed. All the potatoes. Allll of them.

Then we get to tonight.

I had some potatoes on hand, so last night I took out a chicken breast and threw it in some lemon garlic marinade. Tonight's dinner was said chicken breast, roasted, mashed potatoes, and some corn. Now, I chose this marinade because the other ones I have on hand are more barbeque-flavored in profile and since they're not Open Pit-flavored, they're suspect. But I like the garlic-lemon-herb whatever the fuck this is! So I picked it!

Chicken smells just fine as it's cooking. I get everything to the table, including mashed potatoes with a truly ridiculous amount of butter in them, cut a piece of chicken, take a bite... and nope. Nope! And I'm like, really? Because I know I need the protein, and I know I like chicken, and this should be fine, so I take another bite and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Can someone please explain to me in what motherfucking goddamn way that this all makes sense. BECAUSE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THERE IS NO LINKING FACTOR IN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN AS TO WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS BAD RIGHT NOW. NONE.

THIS IS BULLSHIT AND I AM SICK OF IT AND IT HAD BETTER GO AWAY AFTER I HAVE THIS KID.

And that is why hormones were leaking down my face at the dinner table tonight.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 35

[contents: medical, TMI, menstruation, fat hate]

Lately I have found great enjoyment from putting my hands on my belly, looking at The Man, and intoning "SOON" as creepily as possible.

Because SOON.

Nesting has returned in full force. Last Friday I was all kinds of anxious and cranky, and I decided to wash a load of baby clothes, and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE. I haven't folded them yet - that is kind of waiting for me to make the drawer organizers for the dresser - but they're CLEAN.

I also started packing my hospital bag, which also made me feel better about my life. And started packing the diaper bag with things to bring to the hospital for The Kid. Thoughts I have had include "oh, hey, this neato microfiber car seat cover, that's a good thing to stick in the bag", and "oh hey, all of these new gigantic cloth pads you just bought, those should go in your hospital bag", and "OMG YOU NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BUY SPECIAL HOSPITAL UNDERWEAR". That last one I talked myself out of.

Okay yeah, theoretically the hospital provides underwear for you for postpartum. I have read so many blogs extolling the virtues of the "mesh granny panties" from the hospital. Yeah, so, I had some right after my surgery in December, and, no. No, the standard size is not sized for fat folk like me. So while maybe the hospital I'll be delivering at has bigger ones (and I plan on asking during the hospital tour), I'm assuming hahahaha nope they won't and bringing some of my own underwear with me. All of the blogs assure me this is a TERRIBLE idea, because there will be BLOOD and LEAKING and BODILY FLUIDS all over, but uh, you know, mesh panties that don't fit me aren't going to stop it either, so maybe let's wear knickers that actually fit and use pads that are actually comfortable and fit instead of the giant monstrosities that are hospital pads (seriously. They're like a giant pillow in your crotch, except made of scratchy paper and somehow STILL not in the right place, even though they are LITERALLY AS LONG AS MY FOREARM). You know.

So I've put in some cheapie knit underwear I have but never wear, and some underwear I bought on sale at Christmas but managed to get the wrong size and then I exchanged them but managed to get the wrong cut but you know if they get ruined I won't cry, and we're going to go from there.

I've also got a pair of slippers I picked up for a mere $7 post-Christmas, since the hospital is VERY ADAMANT that I be wearing socks and/or slippers at all times "for safety and hygiene purposes". And a giant fuzzy blue robe that I got for like $20, so that when my in-laws inevitably visit us all in the hospital I can look something approaching put together. And since they weren't super expensive, if all the blogs are right and everything is going to be leaked on and ruined, it's not the end of my world.

I'm also trying not to obsess over the "coming home" outfit for The Kid. I have no idea how big they will be, and no idea if I should just bring something easy like one of those snap-up footie pajama outfits, or something more elaborate, and if I do bring something omg WHAT SIZE, and should I bring a couple sizes, and what if I'm WRONG and oh my GODS. And logically I know that it doesn't have to be the MOST PRECIOUS OUTFIT IN THE WORLD (we can save that for pictures for the baby announcements), it just has to be cute, and I can put like two different sizes in there and if, for some reason, neither of them works, OUR HOUSE IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY I CAN SEND THE MAN HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.

BUT WHAT SHOULD I PICK AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

The Man and I have also been attending baby-havin' classes. The hospital calls the course "Prepared Childbirth", but whatever, baby-havin' classes. Thankfully these are better than the infant care class we took a few weeks ago that was omfg awful (and yes, I did just mail a letter to the department enumerating the many problems with that shit... and hinting that I'd like my goddamn $55 back THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Our instructor is a little spacey sometimes, and mispronounces "centimeters", but generally pretty good. (Her pronunciation is like a mash-up of "sonogram" and "centimeters", so it sounds like "sonometers", which... yeah I don't know.) I do find it difficult sometimes to not pipe up when she's answering a question with what I've found out in the research, but mostly I bite my tongue. I don't want to be that asshole, you know?  BUT I KNOW THINGS OKAY YES I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS OKAY LOOK SERIOUSLY NO THAT CONDITION IS NOT LINKED TO THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY.

Ahem.

It is kind of nice to be around other pregnant people and talk about that shit though. And there's someone in class due on the exact same day as me, so that's fun. There's also one other kind-of fat pregnant person in the class - although I have no idea how they'd describe themselves - which is pretty awesome too. They were also the one to speak up last week when everyone was describing unmedicated vaginal birth as "natural" and call out how bullshit and stigmatizing that was, so HI FRIEND LET'S BE FRIENDS.

Shit I am Not Worried About includes labor and delivery, and how to take care of The Kid afterwards. Which damn BLANKET to bring to the hospital? MOMENTOUS ANXIETY. Labor? Wev. Delivery? Meh. Basic baby care? Yeah it's cool. Even knowing that I might have a 10-pound baby? Yeah it's fine, I know people who've birthed big babies vaginally and unmedicated, I am not concerned. This is... not the common attitude in our baby-havin' class.

Meanwhile my MIL is holding a baby shower for us in like a week and a half and she's REALLY EXCITED OKAY. She also asked "OH SO SHOULD WE HAVE YOUR MOM AND DAD SKYPE IN" and I made an executive decision NO on that one. I get that she's trying to be nice and make this wonderful, since this will be the only in-person baby shower I'm having. And that really is lovely of her. But um, it's going to be the only in-person shower because HI I HATE BABY SHOWERS, AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANY BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FOR ME. I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE CONSENTED TO THIS ONE IF I DIDN'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU WERE SUPER-SAD THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRIDAL SHOWER. I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE SOME INTERESTING EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS, THANKS. Also having my folks dialed in is not going to make anything better or less awkward for me. So like I said, executive decision, NOPE.

I am not looking forward to the baby shower.

Physically, turns out that I was right about how tired I was a week ago - that was probably my thyroid deciding to be an asshole for a week. THANKS AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. My hips are also doing marginally better this week, although it is still the world's biggest production to move around in bed. I also added a waterproof, absorbs-up-to-five-cups-of-fluid pad to my side of the bed under the sheets. Just in case. Except that it totally has a plastic back, so that shit does not breathe, and it moves around with and under the sheets, which is also less fun. So when I wake up, inevitably in four hours or less, my hip and leg I'm laying on are not only sore, but slightly sticky from laying on something with a plastic back. So far, I am convinced this is a better plan than my water breaking in bed and ruining our memory foam topper and mattress. We'll see how long that lasts.

My belly is still getting bigger. OMG SO MUCH BELLY. My bellybutton has not popped, as I was told that NO REALLY EVERYONE'S DOES, but it has gotten... flatter. Like, it's normally pretty deep, and in kind of a crease in my belly, and as that crease has flattened out so has my belly button. It's weird and feels weird when I touch it.

The Kid also seems to be doing fine. There are few kicks, and more... burbling. Like, there's movement, and my belly moves, and ugh super weird, but it's... not as violent. JUST EXTREMELY CREEPY. Like as I was typing this paragraph I looked down and was watching The Kid move my belly. SO WEIRD. SO. INCREDIBLY. WEIRD. Also there is still a foot wedged up under my ribs and OW.

Today's midwife appointment also went well, I gained 2 more pounds so I am a whopping FOUR POUNDS over my starting weight now YEAHHHHHH. I am happier about this than any of my care providers. So if that's going to be the case, I might find a new practice for next time. But no swelling, blood pressure looks great, blah blah blah oh shit you mean the fat lady is still having a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy at this point THE HELL YOU SAY.

No but seriously BELLY EVERWHERE.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 33

[Contents: medical, TMI, weight discussion, fat hate]

Wait, 33? Is it really 33 weeks?

This whole time I have had no trouble knowing exactly how many weeks and days along I am, and now I'm just like SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT RARRR LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

But I can tell you that in just under three weeks, I get to stop the progesterone. I picked up my last refill of that the other day. And in just under four weeks I get the cerclage taken out. At my OB appointment this week I definitely had my doctor WAY UP IN MY BITS THANK YOU to check on cervical position and cerclage status. Apparently everything feels good and we should have no trouble just taking the cerclage out in the office at 37 weeks.

After that comes out, who knows what'll happen. When she put it in, my MFM specialist warned me that some people get it taken out and basically proceed directly to hospital for baby-birthin' time without passing go, some people go home and don't start labor until like 41 weeks. Like many things with pregnancy, IT IS A MYSTERY.

I'm getting kind of ready to be done though.

I mean, I don't want the kid showing up until April. PLEASE, DARK LORD, NO. But while I certainly chose to get pregnant, and I do not in any way regret this choice, fucking a this shit is getting old. I'm kind of over the tireds. I'm kind of over the painful hips. I'm kind of over the nausea OH YES IT'S BACK, I'm way over nothing in the way of food or drink sounding or tasting particularly good, I'm so far fucking over the hormonal bullshit, I'm getting over the times that The Kid makes me even MORE nauseated as they burble around in there, I cannot wait to be able to stop taking the prenatal vitamins that make me gag more often than not STILL, I'm JUST ABOUT DONE.

Conveniently, I am just about done, but, you know.

 Also about halfway through writing this I had to stop and eat dinner, and it dawned on me "HEY MAYBE THIS IS YOUR THYROID" and it actually probably is. While unrelenting tired, appetite problems, and mood swings are all pregnancy symptoms and are the short summary of this past week, cold spots on my thighs and ass are not - those are definitely my thyroid. So is the brain fog. YAY AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE yes I have emailed my doctor and I have lab orders to check shit already.

Meanwhile, I have gained weight (although now that I know my thyroid swung a bit I wonder how much is that HA HA GOOD TIMES) and am FINALLY above my starting weight. Barely. If I am doing the math right, I did gain more than the "recommended" pound per week, and I'm sure if my blood pressure weren't fucking terrific my doctors would be freaking out, but that shit is the lowest it's been at any point during this pregnancy for the past two weeks. Instead I got "oh your weight looks okay" - not "we're happy with your weight" any more, I NOTE.

Plus I have literally no swelling. Seriously, none. I'm trying really hard to not get a bad case of the smugs about it. At my appointment this week my OB complimented me "Oh how smart you got a pretty chain to put [your wedding ring] on", because the necklace I was wearing has a pretty silver circular pendant with a small diamond in it. So I held up my left hand with my wedding ring on it and waggled it and said "Oh no, I'm still wearing it". She was surprised. The damn thing is LOOSE on me. Like it spins gleefully around my finger all damn day when I wear it. Trying and mostly failing to not have the smugs.

Also at my appointment this week, I brought up "hey by the way I have thyroid disease and while I do plan on trying to breastfeed, there's not a lot of good information out there about it, do y'all have anything?" and apparently they have a lactation consultant on staff who may have some stuff. So my OB is giving her a heads up so she can do some additional research and I have an appointment with her later this month.

I'm sure my insurance will try to charge me a co-pay for that visit, even though according to the ACA they're not allowed to any more. They definitely charged me a co-pay for when I got tested for a UTI, so I get to fight with them about that. My insurance company also does not have my plan's summary of benefits and coverage available on their subscriber portal - those are required to be available to me by law. They also charged me a whole fuckton of money for my cerclage, for each of the ultrasounds I got, keep trying to charge me co-pays for pre-natal visits... basically, they are terrible and I am super-sick of having to fight them on everything. I can't even get an answer from them about whether I'm supposed to "pre-certify" for my hospital baby delivery, which I need to know for the hospital paperwork that I really need to send in ASAP. So that's fun.

In more annoying shit The Man and I started taking childbirth classes this week, starting with "Infant Care". If you look at the outline on the website, this class is supposed to be 2.5 hours all about "oh shit now I have the kid home WHAT DO I DO". So covering feeding, bathing, clothes, car seats, sleeping, etc. and so on. I know this shit, because I've literally been through it with a sister who is nearly 13 years younger than me, with all of the babies I've cared for over the years, etc. and so on, so I was like wev about it. But The Man has literally zero childcare experience, so we thought it would be a good idea to learn some of this from a neutral, non-hormonal third party.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH which, that was a good plan, if that were what the class had actually been. I ranted about this on Twitter for a while on Sunday, but basically, our instructor was terrible and kept talking about shit the nurses do in the hospital, there was less than half an hour of hands-on practice (which only covered bathing and changing a diaper), she covered approximately none of the stuff in the packets we were given (which was all of the stuff we were led to believe the class would be about), talked way too fast, went fifteen minutes over, did not give us evaluations to fill out, and the class was in a room that you HAD TO USE STAIRS TO GET IN TO. So I'm writing a very long letter to the department overseeing this about all of THAT. It was a waste of our $55 and a waste of our Sunday afternoon.

This Sunday starts our actual "SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY" classes, that cover birthing techniques, the hospital tour, all that happy crap. Hopefully it's significantly better.

Finally, do y'all even see my belly? I mean holy shit. Also it is definitely starting to move lower. And while it's not clear in the picture, my waist has been getting... flatter. Like, I used to have a really deep crease right through my belly button dividing my belly, and that's flattening out. Also The Kid has pretty consistently been head-down these past few weeks. I have a foot wedged up under my rib cage on my right side. SO PLEASANT, THANK YOU CHILD.

HELP MY HIPS ARE KILLING ME

[Content: TMI, medical]

So lately it seems like every other pregnant person I talk to here on these internets is having the same problem I am - namely, pelvic girdle pain, or symphysis pubis dysfunction. Their hips ache, they are having trouble walking, pain radiates down their thighs, their pubic joint aches (mine actually cracks), etc. and so on. That link above has some more detailed examples of symptoms.

Basically, it blows, and it can significantly reduce your mobility and quality of life. OH FRIENDS, DO I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

So I know I've talked about mine before, and some of what I do for it, but it's in a few different blog posts and I wanted to have just one that had everything in it. It's easier to find, and it's easier than sending eleventeen tweets to anyone on Twitter who asks about it, you know? Plus I can go in to more detail. Blog posts are also a lot less ephemeral than Twitter.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. All I can share is things I personally do for this condition and that I find helpful, which I have found through years of doing physical therapy and experimentation. I cannot guarantee you will find them helpful. If any of these things causes bad things, such as an increase in your pain, contractions of any sort, or injury, please, please don't do them. Please listen to your body.

Things I find helpful

1. Lay on your side with a pillow between your legs. Because I have a history of lower back problems, this is something I've been doing for years anyway. I have a specific pillow that is my leg pillow for when I sleep. However, I find as my pregnancy progresses, that pillow is a little too thin to do much good when my pelvis is really bad. I like using it when I'm actually sleeping, because it's a standard sized pillow and fits between my legs from hips to ankles, but it's not sufficient to really start relieving any pain I'm having.
   
   So my advice is this: lay on your side, knees slightly bent, keeping your hips as straight and aligned as possible. And experiment with pillows. Don't be afraid to put a fat, firm pillow between your legs. My personal favorite right now is the Snoogle Mini, and that sucker is firm and like eight inches thick. Experiment with placement, as well. I find that the Snoogle helps most when it's between my thighs and pretty close to my pelvis (bonus: I can put the rest of it under my belly and boobs which feels nice). When I get it in the right place, I can feel my lower back, pelvis, and hip joints slowly stretch out and work themselves back more or less in to place. It's sometimes disconcerting and almost achy, but not painful. If it's painful, stop. I usually lay with the Snoogle for about an hour total before I go to sleep, half an hour on each side, then when I'm ready to go to sleep I switch to my usual leg pillow. Do what works for you.


2.  Leg rocks. So if you're like me, rolling over in bed can easily turn in to a five minute ordeal. Often I have a few minutes where I just have to stop, breathe, and lay on my back before I can continue to my other side. I know they say OMG DON'T LAY ON YOUR BACK DURING PREGNANCY, but for most people, for a few minutes, it's fine (after all, you probably do it at EVERY OB OR MIDWIFE APPOINTMENT). When you're in this position, you can do what my last physical therapist called "rocking the baby", which now that I'm pregnant is entirely too relevant to my life.
   
   Here's how you do it. While laying on your back, bend your knees, keeping your legs together. Gently rock just your legs from side to side. Imagine that there is a baby balanced on your knees, and you are rocking it to sleep. Don't rock your legs faster or farther than you would if there were a baby up there. It's important to keep your spine flat on your bed - don't let your hips lift up as your move your legs. What this does is gently rotates your hip joints which can alleviate pain and help work them back in to place. This can also be helpful if you have sciatica - try doing it before you get out of bed in the morning for a few minutes, or any time the sciatica flares up.
   
   
3.  Pelvic tilts. Now we start getting in to the nitty-gritty. One of the most helpful things you can do to help stabilize your pelvis is to strengthen your abdominal muscles (belly!), your glutes (YOUR ASS), and your PC muscles (the ones Kegels are targeted at). These muscles are what surround your pelvis and lower back, and you can use them to not only stabilize these areas, but to some extent, correct and compensate for loose joints and ligaments (aka WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU NOW YAY THANKS PREGNANCY).
   
   Here is an excellent primer on how to do these, both while laying on your back, or while standing against a wall. Personally, I prefer the standing version right now, although last time I was in PT for my back, I did the laying version, and I can attest that both work. This gives a gentle stretch to your lower back, as well as works on strengthening your abdominal muscles. The trick to these, which is not in the tutorial, is that you want to tighten your abdominals (and to some extent, your PC muscles and glutes) to gently press your lower spine either in to the bed or the wall. You don't need a very large movement - the tutorial has a gif that illustrates just how little you need to move.
   
   Right now, I do five of these per day, and I hold each for five seconds. Again, not a medical professional, but that is a decent starting point to try. When I was doing this for my back in PT, I worked up to two to three sets of ten per day, holding each for at least ten seconds. Please, please, listen to your body and don't rush them. It honestly does not take much, I have found, to provide relief.
   
   
4. Kegels. I know they tell those of us with vaginas to do these anyway, but here's why: as I outlined above, the PC muscles that you exercise with these help support your pelvis and lower back. These muscles can be used to compensate for the bullshit your pelvis is pulling.
   
   Here is a good tutorial on how to do these, including how to identify which muscles you actually want. What I would add is what my last PT told me. You can do two variations on these - and basically do them whenever you think of them. Variation one is "quick" Kegels: contract the muscles, hold for one second, release for one second, and repeat, ten to twenty times in a row. Variation two is closer to what's in the tutorial: contract, hold for ten seconds, release. Repeat in sets of ten to twenty.


5. Lateral pelvic shift correction. Because of my existing back problems, the non-technical term for this is that I tend to stand and sit crooked. If you look at my spine, often it seems to be running on a diagonal. My right hip tends to jut out past my right shoulder, which brings my left hip more under my neck than my left shoulder. This also leads to further lower back and pelvic pain and instability. To check to see if the same thing is happening to you, stand up and look in a mirror. Are your hips both directly below their matching shoulders? If so, then you don't have this. If one hip looks higher than the other (you can check by putting a hand on each hip bone), then maybe you do (this is often the most noticeable symptom for me - my right hip looks about three inches higher than the left when it's bad - and it can be pretty bad right now). A physical therapist can also diagnose this (which is how I know I have it).
   
   This YouTube video describes how to do these. For those that can't do the video, what you are doing is using the wall as a straight surface to align your spine and hips. Since it's my right hip that juts out, I place my left side against the wall - if your left hip jutted out, you would place your right side against the wall. Bend your elbow on the wall side, keeping it tucked in close to your body. Place your wall shoulder and elbow against the wall. Your outside leg should be straight but leaning, about a foot or two away from the wall. Your inside leg moves to be next to your outside leg. Gently use your abdominal, PC, and glute muscles to shift your inside hip so that it is pressed against the wall, in line with your shoulder. Go SLOWLY. You can also place a hand on your outside hip to help press. Once your inside hip is aligned, hold for 2-5 seconds using your abs, glutes, and PC muscles, then take your inside leg, step against the wall, and stand up straight. Currently, I do a set of five of these per day, holding each for five seconds.
   


6.  Posture. So in the last few items, I've been talking about the three major muscle groups that stabilize your hips and lower spine - your abdominal muscles, your glutes (aka the muscles in your ass), and your PC muscles (the ones you do Kegels with). But you don't just use them during the PT exercises I've outlined above. You use them when you're sitting, standing or walking as well.
   
   What you want to do is tighten each of these muscle groups in order to help maintain good posture - upright back, not crooked, not slumping or slouching, hips aligned, keep your legs close together, etc. You don't need to tighten them MUCH - I found that my pain increased if I tightened too much. And you will have to experiment to see how much each group has to be kept tight. If you're not used to doing it, you might not be able to do it all the time, and that's fine. But keep practicing. It gets easier with the exercises and with practice. If you can keep your posture as good as possible while sitting, standing, and walking, it really does help relieve the pain. Also, I understand that if your pelvis is really bad, you might not be able to stand up straight at first - I usually can't right when I get out of bed. Do the best you can, and improve when possible.
   
   
7. Keep moving. Yeah, I know, probably the last thing you want to do when it fucking hurts to move. But, if you stay in one position too long, that gives your joints a chance to lock up in that position, making any changes that much more painful. So if you've been laying for a while, sit up for a bit. If you've been sitting for a while, get up and walk around for a few minutes. If you've been standing for a while, gently sway back and forth (just like if you were trying to soothe a baby) or for you ballroom dancers out there, practice what your instructor calls "Cuban motion" (video), that you use in rhythm/Latin dances. Don't lock your knees. If you have a bad back, they say switch positions every fifteen minutes, and that's a great ideal. Me, I'm fucking tired, so often it's like every hour I change. But change positions.
   
   I find right now with walking, especially if I'm up and walking after laying down, the first step is the most painful. My joints are locked, my muscles are complaining, it's awful. The next half dozen aren't so grand either. But after that, I start to feel my joints shifting back in to place and my stride becomes much easier and less painful. Give your body the chance to do that - and again, remember your posture. Fix it when you can.
   
   
8. Stop fucking moving. Yeah I know I just told you to move. But you're only going to have so much moving in a day. Your body currently has limits on what it can do, which, especially if you've never really had limits like this before, can be difficult and intensely frustrating (but let's not kid ourselves: I've had limits on body movement for years and I still get intensely pissed about it. Your feels, whatever they are, are okay). Please trust that when I tell you that respecting those limits is a way better idea than fighting them, because I have learned the hard way, many, many times. To give you an idea, right now, one of my limits is with stairs. If we count going either up or down a flight of stairs (so 10-15 steps, yeah?) as one trip, I get four trips per day. That's it. If I go beyond that, I pay, oh my sweet dark lord, do I pay, often the same evening.
   
   There's also only so much walking, standing, and sitting I can do in a day. So, if I know like today, I have an OB appointment (requires 2 stair trips to get out of my house, requires getting in and out of the car, requires sitting in the car, sitting in the waiting room, sitting in the exam room, requires some walking), then I know that I probably won't be able to stand long enough to make dinner that night, so I either throw something in the slow cooker or plan on delivery or plan on an easy dinner that The Man is capable of cooking on his own.
   
   If you can, build in days where you don't have to do anything. I realize this is easier for me because I do not work full-time and therefore do not have to leave the house every day. But, if you have three, four, five days in a row where you have to be up and get shit done, try to give yourself at least one day where you DON'T. Sleep late, take a super long warm shower, don't do any damn laundry, nothing. Again, I know it's not always practical, but try to give yourself as much of a break as possible. And please feel zero shame about asking your partner, spouse, best friend, neighbor, old enough kids, whoever, to help get shit done. You have limits. It blows. But you have them. Even if you can go, say, do a load of dishes, then lay down or sit with your feet up for fifteen minutes after (and drink a glass of water) before you have to do the next thing, it helps. I now have a chair in my apartment's kitchen for exactly this purpose.
   
   
9. Heat, cold, pressure. I am a huge fan of hot showers, and just letting the hot water beat on my lower back to start the day. It loosens shit up (I know, I know) and eases some of the achiness that can set in overnight.
   
   I am also a huge fan of icing the joints that have just gotten a huge workout after I'm done. Sometimes, a cold pack on your hip joint or pubic joint or lower back can work wonders to soothe it after you've asked a lot of it. Some people prefer either heat or cold - whichever works for you and provides the most relief.
   
   Finally, a little massage helps too. I really like to have The Man provide some pretty strong pressure to either side of my spine, just above my pelvis, at the end of the night when I'm laying in bed. You might like to have your hips rubbed. Whatever - try it out. If a spot is achy and sore, try a little massage. It doesn't have to be fancy.
   

These are what I am doing on a regular basis. Again, I can get significant relief, if not to pain-free, doing this. This is not everything that can be done. For example, here is a PDF (I know - but search for "pelvic stabilization exercises") with some additional exercises. I personally have done the "Clam" exercises, as well as the "Double Leg Bridge" exercises with my lower back, and they're awesome. Sitting on an exercise ball can also be helpful. While sitting on it, you can also gently shift your hips from side to side. You can also sit up straight on it and gently, gently twist your upper body from side to side, while keeping your hips and legs still.

Also, if you are in a lot of pain and can access and afford it, a good physical therapist can provide so much help. They can provide additional exercises, make sure you're doing them correctly, and help figure out exactly what's wrong to fix it. I absolutely credit the PTs I have worked with in the past with the fact that I largely live my life pain-free, even with the severe disk herniations I have lived through.

If any of these aren't clear, please let me know and I'm happy to provide more details. And again, not a medical professional, listen to your body, etc. All I can tell you is things I personally do that help. And sympathize with your pain, because OH MY GOD DID I MENTION THAT I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 31

[Contents: TMI, pain]

Short version: hormones are seriously kicking my assssssssssssssss.

I've been upset by some stuff happening in my personal life the past week, and while it's all stuff that would upset or piss me off even if I weren't pregnant, because I am seven million goddamn months pregnant, all of the upset is accompanied by SO. MUCH. CRYING.

I'm not usually one to cry much, and I also really hate crying, so I try to avoid it. SO MUCH CRYING this past week, y'all. SO MUCH. OH MY FUCKING GOD CAN IT STOP NOW.

Crying so much also makes me even more tired than I am otherwise, yaaaaay!

The other hormone that's kicking my ass is motherfucking relaxin, STILL. My poor hips, y'all. My poor goddamn hips. I know I posted a few weeks ago that doing some PT exercises really helped and could get me pain-free. They still really help, but I haven't been pain-free lately. This may also have to do with the fact that I think "why yes, let's make like six stops after my pre-natal appointment sounds like a great plan" and then proceed to do it, but I blame the hormones. Fucking hormones. I semi-woke The Man up this week once as I was getting out of bed because my pubic symphysis cracked so fucking loudly. It's super freaky when it does that, but it feels SO good. And it really lessened the pain I was in.

The other thing that helps is laying with mah Snoogle Mini that my BFF gave me, because she is an amazing person. I lay on my side, then part of it goes between my thighs, the rest gets tucked under my belly and boobs, and it's awesome. I don't sleep with it all night, because it eventually bothers me to not have a pillow between my legs for the entire length of my legs, but when I'm just laying in bed reading or whatever I use it and it's great. It's thicker than my usual between-the-legs pillow and something about the thickness, the firmness, or the position shifts my hips around in a different way that helps ease them back in to a less painful position. RECOMMENDED. Also I'm 6' tall and definitely a fat lady, so do not let your height or weight worry you with this sucker.

I'm also at the stage where I waddle when I walk, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Sometimes if my hips are really wonky it's more of a lurch. I AM THE EPITOME OF GRACE AND DIGNITY, FOLKS.  Rolling over in bed is a five-minute production that makes me grateful I have a 100% metal bed frame that is solid enough I can grab my headboard and use it for leverage.

Speaking of bed, I spend a lot of time there! It's soft and comfy! Sadly I don't sleep more than 2-4 hours at a stretch anymore! I finally find a comfortable position and fall asleep. 2-4 hours later, I am woken up by one or more of the following:

• My fucking hip hurts. (I am an obligate side sleeper, so I am always laying on one hip or the other.)
• I have to goddamn pee, AGAIN.
• FUCKING HELL SHIT DAMN I NEED FOOD.

Sometimes, after taking care of whatever's bothering me, I can fall back asleep easily. Sometimes I'm up for 1-3 additional hours! Because! It's a joy! So while I am getting 8-10 hours of sleep per day, it's broken sleep. Greaaaaat.

I also just have a very limited amount of things I can do in a day, still. Like, I can usually manage doing a full up/down cycle on the stairs in my house a maximum of twice per day. There's fifteen steps to get from the front door to my house, and fifteen steps to get from the floor with my bedroom to the attic, where my sewing room and the laundry are. Oh and to leave the house there's another five stairs. If I am doing a lot of walking or standing (or sometimes even sitting), stairs are right out. And if I do too much of anything in a day, I can be totally wiped out and in extra pain for a day or three afterwards. STILL. AGAIN. GODS.

So I'm having to get even more strategic about what I do in a day and really planning that shit out - like today, I needed to be upstairs sewing, as I have a commission due the end of the month and someone staying with me next week. So in order to both be able to work AND have dinner, I had to plan something to throw in the crock pot. And plan on getting nothing else done besides the sewing and the dinner making, except maaaaybe being able to throw in a load of laundry while I'm upstairs already. It's a delicate balance between getting things done (which improves my mental health) and not moving too much (which keeps my physical health better), but not avoiding movement TOO much, because too little movement adds to the pain too. I frequently fuck it up. It's never ending fucking fun.

Also in really TMI land, so for most pregnant folks, at some point their boobs start, uh, leaking some proto-breast milk. That is week 30 for me apparently, because in the morning I have juuuuust a little bit of crusty nonsense on my nipples. GRACE, DIGNITY, ETC.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 30

[Contents: medical, weight discussion/fat bias, TMI]

Uhhhhh y'all I am so not ready to have a baby.

I mean, with any luck, it's going to be a solid 10 weeks before I do but uhhhh that's like two and a half months? Aaaaand that is not much time.

Also oh my fucking gods I am so fucking tired. SO FUCKING TIRED. I'm at the point where I am waking up every 2-4 hours at night, either because I have to pee, my hip hurts, or both. So while I am sleeping, it's broken sleep. Which I mean hey, good practice for when The Kid arrives but OH MY GOD JUST LET ME SLEEP FOR REAL.

Then some days I feel really pretty good, and energetic and shit! And I want to do all the things! And I have to keep reminding myself NO, DO NOT DO ALL THE THINGS, THAT ONLY LEADS TO SORROW AND PAIN, STOP. So I'm not getting things done as quickly as I'd like, and my hormones are like YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR HOUSE CLEAN AND EVERYTHING READY IN TIME YOU ARE DOOOOOMED and the rest of my brain is like, uh, the house is pretty clean, yo, like, you're fine. Baby clothes are small that's only going to be like one load of laundry, chill. DOOOOOOOMED.

Not doomed. I mean, hey, I cleaned up my half of the bedroom the other night and it took like an hour, because I kept sitting back down and taking breaks. So now the bassinet can get set up in a couple weeks. And after my prenatal appointment today, I was all adulty and shit and ran errands, including buying a giant thing of motherfuckin' Mod Podge, so all those shoeboxes I'm no longer using can get some of my cute fabric from my giant honking fabric stash applied and BE TRANSFORMED in to drawer organizers mwahahahahah. And I also bought some cute baby clothes because LOOK THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE AND THEY WERE ADORABLE AND SUPER CHEAP AND OMG. One of them might turn out to be the "YAY HERE IS YOUR FIRST REAL CLOTHES" outfit for leaving the hospital. We'll see.

The prenatal appointment went really well. The midwives are sooooo happy with my weight... which, I lost another pound, so uh hey! Great. I'm not trying, I wish I weren't losing weight, and I know full well that if I were gaining the pound a week that all of the pregnancy books and shit say that I should be at this point, they'd probably be counseling me ohhhh, be careful you don't gain too much. Especially since my uterus is still measuring a little over a week ahead of typical for this point. But I also know from previous ultrasounds that The Kid is likely going to be taaallllll. You know, that and plus genetics and shit. So whatever. Kid is still extremely active, we have reached the "alien chestburster" phase, heartbeat was right where it should be still and everything is fine. So I'm not worried, but again, I know, I KNOW, that if I were gaining like many people do, they'd be on me about my weight.  Bleah.

My hips are definitely complaining after all of the in and out of the car and walking around I did today. So definitely doing PT exercises tonight. And tomorrow Fuckwinter is supposed to be back in force, so my plan is to sleep as much as I can, go upstairs and do some sewing, come down to eat and pee, then go back upstairs. I'm making a dress for a friend of mine that needs to be done by the end of the month. I also maaaaay have bought some fabric to make a baby quilt or something along those lines MAYBE. (Okay definitely... hey I had a coupon.)

I'm still not getting a ton of Braxton-Hicks; it's still only after I have WAY overdone shit, or if I get pretty dehydrated. But oh my fuck god, I have to drink all the water. ALL THE WATER. GIVE IT TO ME. NO, MORE. YES. WATER. Ugh. Some days, or if I move the wrong way, I also get ligament or muscle pain. I figure that's what it is because while it is sharply painful, it's super-localized, transient, and goes away if I stop doing whatever move started it. I've also occasionally bent down to get something and I swear to Maude SORRY KID FOR CATCHING ONE OF YOUR LIMBS IN THE FOLD. It's freaky-feeling.

Things I was told would happen in the third trimester were "right so food aversions and nausea, welcome those back" and YUP. I've been having raspberry frosted Pop Tarts for breakfast with a glass of milk for like a WEEK. Yesterday, I made them, and took a few bites, and was pretty sure I was totally going to puke. GREAT. THANKS BODY. Pork still doesn't sound great, and neither does cooked broccoli (but only COOKED broccoli; raw sounds fine). Guacamole and queso are the best things in the world and if you disagree we will fight.

I was also told OH HA HA YEAH YOUR ANKLES AND FINGERS WILL SWELL and nope. My rings are still super loose, and even after a long day like today my ankles aren't swelling.  I'm not complaining; sudden or extreme swelling can be a sign of pre-eclampsia, and you do NOT want to fuck around with that shit. But it's perpetually interesting to me to compare what I'm told should happen and when, with what IS happening and when.

I also got all the paperwork for the hospital - shit like consent forms, registration forms, the form for the birth certificate, the form for the birth plan, all that. Oh my maude, that shit is a shitshow. Why is is so difficult for institutions to make functional, easy-to-use-and-understand forms? WHYYY. So I definitely made a pain in the ass of myself at my appointment today with "so by the way this is a hot mess and here's why, also your instruction sheet is no better thanks" hahah WELP. I am definitely that patient. But seriously... if you're going to say that I can refuse to, say, allow you to use any tissue or body parts of mine you remove during birth for research purposes, it behooves you to give me a space to clearly mark whether I consent or not. Like, come the fuck on.

But basically at this point it's EAT ENOUGH FOODS, DAMMIT and DRINK ALL THE WATER and TAKE IT EASY OH MY GOD YOUR HIPS CANNOT HANDLE SHIT... and trying to go full-term. WOOOOOOOOO.