Okay, so giving birth, right?

[Content: tmi, medical, childbirth, needles in various forms, hospital, blood]

So the story of The Kid being born, I'm going to start the day before, on May 1.

I had an appointment with the midwife, and omfg was I RIPSHIT. Basically any time any of the super-nice nurses asked "oh how are you doing" all I could do was growl-whine "I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE". Which they took in stride and agreed with me, so that helped. I hurt, I was tired, I felt like crap, I was DONE DONE DONE.

I'd been having contractions off and on for a month by this point. Never mind the fact that, as I mentioned in a previous post, I was at higher risk of delivering early. So at this appointment, they wanted to perform a non-stress test, since I was at 41 weeks and 1 day, also known as "post-dates". Did I have contractions during the NST? OF COURSE NOT. But The Kid looked fine, more or less. There was one small, non-emergency finding that prompted my midwife to schedule an ultrasound for the next day, May 2, but that was it.

I was asked if I wanted a vaginal exam. I seriously thought about it, but declined. I figured if there were any changes from the last one, it would get my hopes up so far and then if nothing happened I'd be in even worse shape mentally, and if there were no changes, it would just feed the brainweasels telling me that I would be pregnant forever.

Seriously. Those brainweasels were all about telling me a, that everything was the WORST, and b, that I would just be pregnant forever, la la la, and that's fine, let's start thinking about what that will look like and what I'll need to change in my life to account for that, doop de do. I would tell The Man that I would be Pregnant Forever, and my voice would be that kind of cheerful rational that you know is actually not at all cheerful or rational, and is in fact a little scary.

But I was going to be Pregnant Forever, so FINE.

The midwife asked me if I wanted to talk about induction. I said to her "well I assume you won't let me go past 42 weeks anyway" at which point she breaks in and says oh no, if everything looks fine, they'll let me go past 42 weeks, at which point I broke in and said "Okay well I do not want to go past 42 weeks". I know that in my birth plan I had said I'd want to go past, but by this point I was so fucking constantly uncomfortable, if not in outright pain from my hips, and so sick of everything, and so upset basically all the time, that it wasn't worth it to me to not be induced.

So we scheduled an induction, for the next Wednesday, at 42 weeks, and I went home.

That night, we go to bed. Now, weeks ago, at the advice of a friend (HI BRIGID), I'd bought a waterproof pad and put it under my side of the bed. There was a plasticky backing to it, so it kind of crinkled and was hot to sleep on, but I hadn't gotten rid of it. Which was good, because about quarter after 1, I turned off the light, rolled over, and oh SHIT that was DEFINITELY my water breaking uh wow yeah that is unmistakeable.

I actually said "OH SHIT" and woke up The Man. Then I was like "SO I'M GOING TO MAKE A PHONE CALL" as he starts getting dressed. Since I was group B strep positive, my water breaking meant WELP HOSPITAL TIME RIGHT NOW. For most people, water breaking is HEY WELCOME TO LABOR PRETTY SOON GO AHEAD AND STAY HOME SLEEP IF YOU CAN. Yeah.

So I call the midwives and am like no really my water broke, I'm sitting in a like foot-wide wet spot on my bed, really, that's what it has to be. I wasn't having contractions at that point, but they were like "yeah, you should come in." So we finish getting dressed, finish packing the auxiliary hospital bag, and make our way down there.

Before we left, I took one last belly picture, and I'm smiling in it for the first time in weeks, because my mind is saying BABY IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OR LESS AWWWWW YEAH.

Here is that picture:

We get to the hospital, and while The Man parks the car, I check in. I'm still not really having contractions. I'd had one or two in the car, but nothing big and nothing regular. I sign another eight million forms and get walked up to the antenatal testing and evaluation unit, so that they can test and evaluate us HAR HAR. Basically they had me get naked, put on a hospital gown, have people stick some pH paper in my vagina to see if it was amniotic fluid I was leaking (OH I TOTALLY WAS), then hook me up to the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor, like they would do during a non-stress test.

I FINALLY HAD SOME CONTRACTIONS WHILE BEING MONITORED it was so fucking affirming. Finally, NO, I WASN'T MAKING THIS UP I KNEW WHAT I WAS FEELING WERE CONTRACTIONS. But it's like three-thirty in the morning so after the heplock was put in my arm (and the nurse who did that did an AMAZING job), so they dim the lights and advise us to get some sleep. We are also told that it's a busy night and all of the labor and delivery rooms are currently full, so who knows if or when we'll get one! It could be interesting!

I'm laying in the bed, and The Man is trying to sleep in the one chair in the room, and not doing well. I'm kind of dozing, but mostly super excited. So I try to read as I'm getting my penicillin. This is maybe four, four-thirty in the morning. And I start having regular contractions. So I start timing them.

They're ten minutes apart.

Then seven minutes apart.

Then five minutes apart.

FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

They're not super-painful, but it's enough that I'm like yup, contraction. So when the nurse comes in she hooks me back up to the monitor, and puts the word out that we'll need a labor and delivery room. The Man and I entertain ourselves by watching the monitor through the contractions. They're getting a bit stronger, enough that I have to take a few deep breaths during them, but not bad. The Man is fascinated by being able to predict exactly when he'll see my facial expression change during a contraction.

The nurse and I naturally chit-chatted and made friends. She asked if I had a birth plan and what it was, and when I told her that I was planning no painkillers, that labor didn't scare me, she told me "oooh I love the tough girls, y'all are my favorite". Pretty much all of the nurses, I made friends with. It was awesome.

Around seven, seven-thirty, a labor and delivery room is free, so our nurse snags that shit for us and we are moved down the hall. I walked under my own power! Good times. The labor and delivery room is much larger, has a more comfortable bed, has more outlets, and its own bathroom with a jacuzzi and a shower, hell yeah. We are advised to sleep while we can, and hey, here's the room service menu maybe order some breakfast they'll bring it to you. So we order some food. We got blueberry pancakes, which were adequate. I didn't eat much, again, excited, and really didn't have much of an appetite.

Also it was apparently an ISSUE that I brought my own thyroid medication and took it myself without a nurse there whoops. Everything I'd read said "take your medications with you to the hospital", and the nurses were like "oh well we'll get you some Synthroid from our pharmacy why use yours". I had to explain that I wasn't ON Synthroid, I was on Tirosint, and I'd prefer to use mine, thanks. They took my box of meds to the pharmacy to get checked in, which took hours, and basically all that happened was it was put in a ziploc bag with a little sticker on it with my name and a barcode, and had a disclaimer form in there that I never signed that said I DO NOT HOLD THE HOSPITAL OR PHARMACY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDICATION etc. and so on.  Yeah, okay. Wev.

So for most of the morning and afternoon, I was in labor. I was also on Twitter, because it was early labor, and yeah, I could tell it was happening, but it wasn't super painful. For a while I was on a birthing ball, I took a hot shower for like forty-five minutes, I walked around. The nurses and midwives encouraged me to eat, so we got some lunch. I had a cheeseburger and fries, which were okay but not the most amazing cheeseburger I've had. But okay. The Man was on the internets on his tablet and trying to sleep in the chair in the room.

Throughout the afternoon, the intensity of the contractions ramped up - as in, they were more painful, and I'd have to stop talking during one, but nothing where I was OMG IN PAIN OMG. I had penicillin every four hours, and that was really the reason I was at the hospital - otherwise I would have gone through all of this at home. The contractions varied some more in their timing - they would be five minutes apart, then ten for a while, then back to seven, but they didn't stop. I also continued leaking fluid, which was OH SO FUN. I basically spent the day wearing just a hospital gown, because fuck underwear when a baby could pop out soon.

I also definitely spent like an hour talking with one of the nurses - who herself had like NINE KIDS - about the state of child mental health services and child protection services in the state.

In the bathroom was a bag with some mesh underwear, and giant-ass pads. There was a package of pads on the shelf in the bathroom - "Curity" was the brand, but it was open and the bag had sagged just enough that it looked like it said "Cunty", which entertained me NO END.

The nurses also had me walking up and down the hall, which I did with The Man. My hips were still in poor shape, so it was slow progress, and the later it got, the more I had to stop walking during contractions, but it was fine.

Towards about four pm, the midwife came in to see me. The nice thing was the midwife on duty all day was one that I REALLY liked - she was the one who gave me the huge hug when I was released from maternal-fetal medicine. So anyway, she comes in to check up on me. And while the fact that I'm still in early labor is not in and of itself a problem, she's concerned because by this point I'd had A LOT of penicillin. Like a lot a lot. And they don't have a time limit on delivery, per se - so nothing like "within 24 hours of your water breaking" - but that's a lot of drugs for me and baby, and maybe we should think about a little pitocin to see if that kicks things in to high gear.

I am okay with this plan because I AM DONE BEING PREGNANT I AM HAVING MY BABY GODDAMN TODAY THAT IS FINAL.

The midwife advised me to eat something, because once the pitocin started, I wouldn't be allowed to eat anything. Also, I'd have to be hooked up to a monitor continuously during the pitocin. Oh and we should do an ultrasound to confirm what position the baby is in.

The Man brought me some toast with peanut butter on it, and I wolfed that down. I also drank some more water. We did an ultrasound and the baby was in the right occiput posterior position - so head down, but the back along my right side, and hir face was facing up, away from my back - "sunny-side up" if you will, and looking right at the ultrasound wand. Which explained a few things, especially how I could feel their hands fluttering right in front and low during the last few months of pregnancy. It also explained why I kept leaning back during contractions.

Once we did the ultrasound, I was hooked back up to the monitors and we started the pitocin. I really didn't have much of it - maybe 1 cc in total. Basically it started and a few minutes later OH SHIT hi welcome to active labor. I had been skeptical about the "oh, you won't be able to mistake active labor" bit that I was told, but NOPE NO MISTAKING THIS. ACTIVE LABOR WAS NOT KIDDING. I was laying in the bed, on my right side - in the hopes that we could help the baby to rotate - and jeezy muffin creezy. I held on tight to the rail of the bed, moaned, wanted to scream but was talked through moaning by the midwife, and yo, it wasn't kidding.

I also puked. A LOT.

Now, I had been nauseated during contractions earlier, and had said a few times "ugh I feel like I'm going to puke." This, after a few contractions, went from "I feel like I'm going to puke" to "DEFINITELY GOING TO PUKE". Some quick thinking from the midwife and The Man ensured I had a container to puke in. The peanut butter toast? Came right back up. And then I puked like three more times. After the second time, I am pretty sure my entire GI tract tried to evacuate via my throat. It was deeply, deeply unpleasant. I fucking hate puking, and I honestly could not help it at all. It was NOPE PUKING NOW.

The midwife was wonderful. She told me "during labor, vomit and blood and nausea are GOOD signs." Which, yes, the were signs labor was progressing, but oh jeebus, fuck vomiting, fuck that shit.

I also started having back labor. Fuck back labor. I labored for a while on my hands and knees, which made keeping the monitor hooked up to me difficult. They kept losing the baby's heartbeat. We decided to take me off the pitocin so that I could be taken off the monitors. They still had to check the baby's heartbeat every fifteen minutes, but I didn't have to be continuously monitored. Active labor definitely continued without the pitocin. The midwife encouraged me to breathe, moan with a low pitch, mouth open - "open mouth open cervix" - and relax between contractions. During the first part of active labor, that was pretty easy to do, especially while I was on my hands and knees.

Later on, that was not so easy. Like I said, I definitely had back labor. Back labor is unsurprising with a posterior-presenting baby. I spent a long time sitting on the toilet, because it had a really high pipe in the back for the flush mechanism, and I could rest my head on it between contractions.

After an hour or two, the midwives wanted me to move, so I was back on the birthing ball, leaning back against The Man. The contractions were way more intense. With back labor, I didn't get a break during contractions at all, so basically I was constantly in pain. The pain definitely got WORSE during a contraction, but it never went away. That made labor a fuckton harder. Additionally, I was getting frustrated because the nurse would talk me through a contraction - saying things like "okay, it's easing, it's going away now". Which wasn't always true. I had a number of contractions that "double-peaked", meaning I'd hit a peak pain in the contraction, and it would fade a little, then hit a second, stronger peak before finally easing. They would also come in waves - three less intense contractions, then three more intense contractions.

The nurses and midwives also wanted me to lean forward with contractions, but that made shit hurt worse - also not unusual with a posterior baby and back labor. So I kept leaning back with contractions.

By this point, I was tired as fuck and crying. All I could say was "make it stop, make it stop". I was pretty out of it with pain. Not going to lie, I had a conversation with the nurse and The Man about how I know I had said I didn't want an epidural but oh my god the pain just didn't stop, it wouldn't stop, make it stop. The nurse put me off and said "well when the midwife comes back we can talk about an epidural." She told me after I gave birth that once I hit that point, she was pretty sure I was at least 8-9 centimeters dilated.

Some time later, the midwife came back in. The earlier midwife had gone off duty, so this was a new one - except that we'd met her when we went in thinking that maybe my water had broken. Her style was not huggy, it was very calm, matter of fact, and firm, which is what I needed at that point. She had me get up on the bed and try laying on my side. And then I had a contraction and OH WELL SHIT WE'RE PUSHING NOW. It was honestly a little frightening. I was pushing and I did not have a choice in the matter, it was happening SO FUCKING THERE. Like I said, I was kind of out of it with pain, so I cried as I explained that I had to push I couldn't help it.  The midwife did the first and only vaginal exam I had and said "you're almost fully dilated, there's just a thin rim and one more good contraction should to it." That got my attention - even the midwife said "oh you just came back to me a little now." And honestly I had, for two reasons. The first was that the end was in sight. The second was that the back pain had gone away finally, indicating The Kid had rotated and was ready to rock and roll.

I pushed for about twenty minutes. Not straight - I was still only having contractions about every four to five minutes, so I got a definite break. During contractions, the nurse and The Man were holding up my legs, as I was laying on my back in the bed. Which we found interesting, because we heard how oh, that's the hardest position, it's better to squat, blah blah blah, and here I was in it anyway. Whatever, it worked and didn't hurt.

And really, pushing hurt way less than active labor. It was intense as fuck - there was definitely one where I screamed like R2D2 - but it hurt less. The midwife did have to keep reminding me don't scream with the effort, push all that down. So instead my face turned MASSIVELY PURPLE - The Man was like "oh shit, is she going to have a freaking aneurism" he told me later. It was a LOT of effort. But in between I put my legs down, and was aware enough that when I felt one coming on, I could be like "pick up my legs please" before I had to really push.

As I was pushing, the midwife first asked if I wanted a mirror. I responded with a flat "NO." A bit later, as The Kid was crowning, she said "give me your hand" and I responded with the same flat "NO." The Man watched the entire process, but I was not interested in watching or feeling with my hand. I WAS PRETTY AWARE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING, I DO HAVE NERVE ENDINGS IN AND AROUND MY VAGINA, THANK YOU. I KNOW WHERE THE KID IS, AND THEY ARE NOT OUT YET.

Like I said, I only pushed for like twenty minutes. At one point the midwife was asking after the OB on call and asking that they be notified to be ready, which I thought meant that I was going to have a c-section. I thought to myself OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO. This perception was bolstered by the fact that as The Kid descended through the birth canal, their heart rate started dropping. So the midwife was pretty clear that The Kid needed to come out REAL QUICK. After another push the midwife said "we need to do an episiotomy, is that okay?" and I was barely done saying "okay" before I felt the snip. And after maybe three more pushes The Kid was out.

After the head popped out the midwife told me to stop for a minute and not push - turns out The Kid had their hands fisted up in front of their mouth, and then the cord wrapped around all of that, so the midwife quickly unlooped the cord, and then then PLOP baby was out. Feeling a baby slither out of my vagina was definitely an interesting feeling I am never going to forget.

They put the baby on my chest, skin-to-skin, where I exhaustedly cooed to hir. Then they took hir away to be weighed, etc. The Man went with. I stayed on the table. For over an hour. Because it turns out the reason the midwife wanted the OB ready to go was because she could tell that oh shit was I going to need some serious stitching up. During the stitching up, I chatted with the OB and midwife. Turns out the midwives there have a 2% episiotomy rate so yeah, I really needed one, and even with that, I had a 3rd degree tear and a fair amount of interior and lateral tearing as well. Like I said, it was over an hour to stitch me up. I also found out that I lost almost as much blood as I would have had I had a c-section FUN TIMES.

After I was stitched up, The Man brought The Kid over to me so that I could try breastfeeding. All of the sites and shit are like OH MAKE SURE THE BABY LATCHES ON IN THE FIRST HOUR AFTER BIRTH, yeah, well, that wasn't an option, but it didn't seem to matter, because The Kid latched on like a fucking PRO and nursed contentedly.

After that and some additional clean-up, and after a bassinet was found - they were running a little short on those - we finally got moved to the post-partum room. The hospital was so busy that weekend that we were in an overflow room on a different floor, in one of the pediatric units. But, the room had a cot for The Man, and there was still snacks down the hall. My overnight nurse for my entire stay was Pam, and lo, she was AWESOME. We really bonded. She was tickled when I informed her that by bringing me food, she was now my FAVORITEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, for lo, I was SO FUCKING HUNGRY. I devoured some Cheerios, some peanut butter toast, a fuckton of water, graham crackers, some other shit. Basically whatever was available for free in the kitchen down the hall (one of the selling points to this hospital was that the labor and delivery unit had kitchens available for patient use, including free food like cereal, milk, tea, coffee, juice, ginger ale, popsicles, bread, bagels, butter, peanut butter... that sort of thing). FOOD WAS DELICIOUS.

Also the midwife came and checked up on me. Turns out after you give birth, they are really keen on you peeing as soon as possible. But everything is all swollen and numb in that area, so it can be difficult. I got to pee in front of my nurse and midwife. Turns out the trick is to sit on the toilet and blow in to a straw in a cup of water. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, but it totally works. Pam them showed me the joys of ice packs and witch hazel and lidocaine delivered to one's bits via mesh undies. Bulky, messy, and yet OH MY FUCKING GOD FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

And then I slept. By the time The Velociraptor was born, I had been up for about 36 hours and The Man for over 40. He made up the cot in the room and had passed the fuck out about five minutes after we got the room. Once I had eaten and peed and gotten a dose of ibuprofen and The Kid was asleep, I did the same thing. Mmm. Sleep.

And that's basically it. Even during labor, I never was like I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. It was hard. It was painful... and yeah I want more kids. Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my care providers and hospital (I do NOT love the bills, but wev). They were awesome and I will definitely be returning if possible for the next one.

Birth Plans

[Contents: medical, tmi, needles, pain]

OH BUT DO YOU HAVE A BIRTH PLAN

yes i have a birth plan okay

Birth plans come off to me as this odd mix of super-trendy "empowering" crap, and a good exercise for thinking through and stating your care preferences. My care provider's office and hospital use them, and have a form (although it's a terrible form and I hate it... which has been such a theme for every piece of paperwork I've gotten from them), which I have duly filled out and have in my purse so that it is handy for when I go to the hospital and am actually in labor.

The thing about birth plans is, you can state your preferences all you fucking want, and then they are going to run smack in to what ACTUALLY happens while you're giving birth, which may not even remotely resemble what you were hoping for, and in fact has decent odds of giving you a situation you did not even consider.

When I filled mine out... mmm, probably about six to eight weeks ago, one of the things on there was "if baby and I are fine, I want to let the pregnancy go to 42 weeks before being induced", which, now that I'm past 40 weeks and kind of thought it would never be relevant, I am a little boggling at my dipshit self. It's not that I disagree with it - I tend to be of the "don't fucking intervene unnecessarily" camp, just that wow, this is not a thing I was told I even had to worry about.

Probably the biggest thing on my birth plan that People Have Opinions About is about pain management. Yes, People Have Opinions about lots of stuff during pregnancy, birth, and child rearing (and boy, do they loooooove to share them unsolicited, holy shit), but oh my fucking god, do People Have Opinions about epidurals.

There is the camp that believes epidurals are the universe's gift to pregnant-person kind, and who remembers or will gladly tell you about what a fight it was to get any sort of pain relief offered regularly to people in labor. And, there is a point - there was a lot of rank misogyny and sexism to overcome on the part of getting a population mostly of women effective, safe pain relief during something that a great number of people think SHOULD goddamn hurt.

Then there's the camp that promotes "natural" birth, and "natural" pain relief methods, who write things like "90% of US babies are born with drugs in their system" completely uncritically (I saw this on an article on Pinterest, and I should have repinned it, because JESUS GOD), who will tell you all about how "your body knows what it is doing" and "it's empowering" and etc. and so on. Which, I'm not knocking (much) of that either (I'm definitely knocking the bullshit OMG DRUGS shit), because yeah I do think birth is something that generally, yeah, bodies are at least kind of made to do that shit.

What I do hate is the implicit or explicit "virtue" that gets ascribed to having a "natural" birth, like you're somehow a better person if you don't use painkillers. That is some shaming bullshit, and it needs to stop.

Personally, I don't want an epidural. Not because I think I'll be a better person, not because I think I'll be more empowered or whatever, but because I have had needles in my spine and I don't really fucking like them, so if I can opt out, I will.

Seriously.

I am fully aware of how effective drugs are, especially when injected in to or near your spine - I had a spinal with my cerclage in December, and prior to that, I've had cortisone injections in my spine because of my disc problems. Shit works! I will be the FIRST to tell you. I really just fucking hate needles in my fucking spine.

That, and honestly, I'm not really concerned about pain levels during labor.

This has been kind of a struggle during any sort of care I get, because my personal pain scale is not the same as everyone else's. Okay, let's be real - no one has EXACTLY the same pain scale as anyone else. But mine is... particularly skewed, it seems. I come to this conclusion after years of dealing with pain and describing it, and having many if not most people be like "and that's only a WHAT for you?"

Like with the cerclage removal. If you read stories about it, most people are like "yeah that was super fucking painful I wish I could have had drugs". Mine went on for over half an hour, it was complicated, we're lucky it could be done in the doctor's office, and I described it afterwards as "unpleasant". Like, if we use that ubiquitous 1-10 pain scale with the stupid faces on it, the removal hit maybe a 1 for me. In other words, I noticed it, but it didn't get anything out of me besides a brief wince. When I told this to the nurse, her jaw dropped.

Likewise, I have a history of herniated disks in my lower back. This can cause excruciating pain, including sciatica, muscle pain, and joint pain. A symphony of pain, if you will. The first time it happened to me, basically all I could do was lie on the floor, crying and occasionally screaming, praying for death. I fucked up my disks again the last semester of graduate school. I couldn't sit or stand up straight, I was in pain for a good six months. It sucked and I hated it, and I still went to class and wrote papers and did dishes and basically was extremely angry but got on with my life. It's exhausting, but I had trouble getting a diagnosis and referral for physical therapy this last round, because the doctor I saw didn't believe I was in that much pain or in that bad of shape, because I walked in to their office under my own power and was able to calmly hold a fucking conversation.

So labor pain? Doesn't fucking scare me. I have lived through way fucking worse, that has lasted way fucking longer.

This is also why all of the advice in childbirth classes for how to tell you're in labor, like "oh, yes, it'll be really painful, you won't mistake it", I am somewhat skeptical about. I've already had a few contractions that sure, have made me go "fuck, ow".... and I've talked to my mother, who seems to have a similar pain scale to mine, and from her experience, active labor and pushing and all that isn't much worse. Like, it's painful, and it sucks... but it's not OMFG THE WORST PAIN EVER GOING TO DIE. Also, it only lasts a few hours, which, in comparison to literally months, hahahah yeah fuck it that ain't shit.

I am not opposed to painkillers, and (at least partly to reassure The Man, who does not like seeing me in pain) I am open to having a dose of some IV narcotics if things get horrible. And obviously if I wind up with a c-section, yes please, anesthesia all the fucking way. But... yeah, nope, no epidural please, and thanks.

Other than that, my birth plan is basically summed up as "OMFG LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE". Don't give me eight thousand vaginal exams, don't touch me unless I ask you to, don't do shit to me without my express consent and without explaining it, don't induce me, don't let students peer up my vag, let me move around during labor, don't force me to lay on my back, leave me alone. I will let you know if I need anything, I promise, I've gotten REAL good at communicating my needs.

Do I know how things are going to go? No. Sure, I can make some guesses, but they really are guesses, even if they are based on my mom's experiences. She and I are a lot alike - including down to hey, prodromal labor, FUN TIMES - but that's no guarantee either. So we'll see what happens. That shit may all very well get thrown out the fucking window (except the no needles in my fucking spine part, seriously, I hate needles in my spine), but so long as The Kid and I come out the other side okay, sounds good.

HELP MY HIPS ARE KILLING ME

[Content: TMI, medical]

So lately it seems like every other pregnant person I talk to here on these internets is having the same problem I am - namely, pelvic girdle pain, or symphysis pubis dysfunction. Their hips ache, they are having trouble walking, pain radiates down their thighs, their pubic joint aches (mine actually cracks), etc. and so on. That link above has some more detailed examples of symptoms.

Basically, it blows, and it can significantly reduce your mobility and quality of life. OH FRIENDS, DO I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

So I know I've talked about mine before, and some of what I do for it, but it's in a few different blog posts and I wanted to have just one that had everything in it. It's easier to find, and it's easier than sending eleventeen tweets to anyone on Twitter who asks about it, you know? Plus I can go in to more detail. Blog posts are also a lot less ephemeral than Twitter.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. All I can share is things I personally do for this condition and that I find helpful, which I have found through years of doing physical therapy and experimentation. I cannot guarantee you will find them helpful. If any of these things causes bad things, such as an increase in your pain, contractions of any sort, or injury, please, please don't do them. Please listen to your body.

Things I find helpful

1. Lay on your side with a pillow between your legs. Because I have a history of lower back problems, this is something I've been doing for years anyway. I have a specific pillow that is my leg pillow for when I sleep. However, I find as my pregnancy progresses, that pillow is a little too thin to do much good when my pelvis is really bad. I like using it when I'm actually sleeping, because it's a standard sized pillow and fits between my legs from hips to ankles, but it's not sufficient to really start relieving any pain I'm having.
   
   So my advice is this: lay on your side, knees slightly bent, keeping your hips as straight and aligned as possible. And experiment with pillows. Don't be afraid to put a fat, firm pillow between your legs. My personal favorite right now is the Snoogle Mini, and that sucker is firm and like eight inches thick. Experiment with placement, as well. I find that the Snoogle helps most when it's between my thighs and pretty close to my pelvis (bonus: I can put the rest of it under my belly and boobs which feels nice). When I get it in the right place, I can feel my lower back, pelvis, and hip joints slowly stretch out and work themselves back more or less in to place. It's sometimes disconcerting and almost achy, but not painful. If it's painful, stop. I usually lay with the Snoogle for about an hour total before I go to sleep, half an hour on each side, then when I'm ready to go to sleep I switch to my usual leg pillow. Do what works for you.


2.  Leg rocks. So if you're like me, rolling over in bed can easily turn in to a five minute ordeal. Often I have a few minutes where I just have to stop, breathe, and lay on my back before I can continue to my other side. I know they say OMG DON'T LAY ON YOUR BACK DURING PREGNANCY, but for most people, for a few minutes, it's fine (after all, you probably do it at EVERY OB OR MIDWIFE APPOINTMENT). When you're in this position, you can do what my last physical therapist called "rocking the baby", which now that I'm pregnant is entirely too relevant to my life.
   
   Here's how you do it. While laying on your back, bend your knees, keeping your legs together. Gently rock just your legs from side to side. Imagine that there is a baby balanced on your knees, and you are rocking it to sleep. Don't rock your legs faster or farther than you would if there were a baby up there. It's important to keep your spine flat on your bed - don't let your hips lift up as your move your legs. What this does is gently rotates your hip joints which can alleviate pain and help work them back in to place. This can also be helpful if you have sciatica - try doing it before you get out of bed in the morning for a few minutes, or any time the sciatica flares up.
   
   
3.  Pelvic tilts. Now we start getting in to the nitty-gritty. One of the most helpful things you can do to help stabilize your pelvis is to strengthen your abdominal muscles (belly!), your glutes (YOUR ASS), and your PC muscles (the ones Kegels are targeted at). These muscles are what surround your pelvis and lower back, and you can use them to not only stabilize these areas, but to some extent, correct and compensate for loose joints and ligaments (aka WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU NOW YAY THANKS PREGNANCY).
   
   Here is an excellent primer on how to do these, both while laying on your back, or while standing against a wall. Personally, I prefer the standing version right now, although last time I was in PT for my back, I did the laying version, and I can attest that both work. This gives a gentle stretch to your lower back, as well as works on strengthening your abdominal muscles. The trick to these, which is not in the tutorial, is that you want to tighten your abdominals (and to some extent, your PC muscles and glutes) to gently press your lower spine either in to the bed or the wall. You don't need a very large movement - the tutorial has a gif that illustrates just how little you need to move.
   
   Right now, I do five of these per day, and I hold each for five seconds. Again, not a medical professional, but that is a decent starting point to try. When I was doing this for my back in PT, I worked up to two to three sets of ten per day, holding each for at least ten seconds. Please, please, listen to your body and don't rush them. It honestly does not take much, I have found, to provide relief.
   
   
4. Kegels. I know they tell those of us with vaginas to do these anyway, but here's why: as I outlined above, the PC muscles that you exercise with these help support your pelvis and lower back. These muscles can be used to compensate for the bullshit your pelvis is pulling.
   
   Here is a good tutorial on how to do these, including how to identify which muscles you actually want. What I would add is what my last PT told me. You can do two variations on these - and basically do them whenever you think of them. Variation one is "quick" Kegels: contract the muscles, hold for one second, release for one second, and repeat, ten to twenty times in a row. Variation two is closer to what's in the tutorial: contract, hold for ten seconds, release. Repeat in sets of ten to twenty.


5. Lateral pelvic shift correction. Because of my existing back problems, the non-technical term for this is that I tend to stand and sit crooked. If you look at my spine, often it seems to be running on a diagonal. My right hip tends to jut out past my right shoulder, which brings my left hip more under my neck than my left shoulder. This also leads to further lower back and pelvic pain and instability. To check to see if the same thing is happening to you, stand up and look in a mirror. Are your hips both directly below their matching shoulders? If so, then you don't have this. If one hip looks higher than the other (you can check by putting a hand on each hip bone), then maybe you do (this is often the most noticeable symptom for me - my right hip looks about three inches higher than the left when it's bad - and it can be pretty bad right now). A physical therapist can also diagnose this (which is how I know I have it).
   
   This YouTube video describes how to do these. For those that can't do the video, what you are doing is using the wall as a straight surface to align your spine and hips. Since it's my right hip that juts out, I place my left side against the wall - if your left hip jutted out, you would place your right side against the wall. Bend your elbow on the wall side, keeping it tucked in close to your body. Place your wall shoulder and elbow against the wall. Your outside leg should be straight but leaning, about a foot or two away from the wall. Your inside leg moves to be next to your outside leg. Gently use your abdominal, PC, and glute muscles to shift your inside hip so that it is pressed against the wall, in line with your shoulder. Go SLOWLY. You can also place a hand on your outside hip to help press. Once your inside hip is aligned, hold for 2-5 seconds using your abs, glutes, and PC muscles, then take your inside leg, step against the wall, and stand up straight. Currently, I do a set of five of these per day, holding each for five seconds.
   


6.  Posture. So in the last few items, I've been talking about the three major muscle groups that stabilize your hips and lower spine - your abdominal muscles, your glutes (aka the muscles in your ass), and your PC muscles (the ones you do Kegels with). But you don't just use them during the PT exercises I've outlined above. You use them when you're sitting, standing or walking as well.
   
   What you want to do is tighten each of these muscle groups in order to help maintain good posture - upright back, not crooked, not slumping or slouching, hips aligned, keep your legs close together, etc. You don't need to tighten them MUCH - I found that my pain increased if I tightened too much. And you will have to experiment to see how much each group has to be kept tight. If you're not used to doing it, you might not be able to do it all the time, and that's fine. But keep practicing. It gets easier with the exercises and with practice. If you can keep your posture as good as possible while sitting, standing, and walking, it really does help relieve the pain. Also, I understand that if your pelvis is really bad, you might not be able to stand up straight at first - I usually can't right when I get out of bed. Do the best you can, and improve when possible.
   
   
7. Keep moving. Yeah, I know, probably the last thing you want to do when it fucking hurts to move. But, if you stay in one position too long, that gives your joints a chance to lock up in that position, making any changes that much more painful. So if you've been laying for a while, sit up for a bit. If you've been sitting for a while, get up and walk around for a few minutes. If you've been standing for a while, gently sway back and forth (just like if you were trying to soothe a baby) or for you ballroom dancers out there, practice what your instructor calls "Cuban motion" (video), that you use in rhythm/Latin dances. Don't lock your knees. If you have a bad back, they say switch positions every fifteen minutes, and that's a great ideal. Me, I'm fucking tired, so often it's like every hour I change. But change positions.
   
   I find right now with walking, especially if I'm up and walking after laying down, the first step is the most painful. My joints are locked, my muscles are complaining, it's awful. The next half dozen aren't so grand either. But after that, I start to feel my joints shifting back in to place and my stride becomes much easier and less painful. Give your body the chance to do that - and again, remember your posture. Fix it when you can.
   
   
8. Stop fucking moving. Yeah I know I just told you to move. But you're only going to have so much moving in a day. Your body currently has limits on what it can do, which, especially if you've never really had limits like this before, can be difficult and intensely frustrating (but let's not kid ourselves: I've had limits on body movement for years and I still get intensely pissed about it. Your feels, whatever they are, are okay). Please trust that when I tell you that respecting those limits is a way better idea than fighting them, because I have learned the hard way, many, many times. To give you an idea, right now, one of my limits is with stairs. If we count going either up or down a flight of stairs (so 10-15 steps, yeah?) as one trip, I get four trips per day. That's it. If I go beyond that, I pay, oh my sweet dark lord, do I pay, often the same evening.
   
   There's also only so much walking, standing, and sitting I can do in a day. So, if I know like today, I have an OB appointment (requires 2 stair trips to get out of my house, requires getting in and out of the car, requires sitting in the car, sitting in the waiting room, sitting in the exam room, requires some walking), then I know that I probably won't be able to stand long enough to make dinner that night, so I either throw something in the slow cooker or plan on delivery or plan on an easy dinner that The Man is capable of cooking on his own.
   
   If you can, build in days where you don't have to do anything. I realize this is easier for me because I do not work full-time and therefore do not have to leave the house every day. But, if you have three, four, five days in a row where you have to be up and get shit done, try to give yourself at least one day where you DON'T. Sleep late, take a super long warm shower, don't do any damn laundry, nothing. Again, I know it's not always practical, but try to give yourself as much of a break as possible. And please feel zero shame about asking your partner, spouse, best friend, neighbor, old enough kids, whoever, to help get shit done. You have limits. It blows. But you have them. Even if you can go, say, do a load of dishes, then lay down or sit with your feet up for fifteen minutes after (and drink a glass of water) before you have to do the next thing, it helps. I now have a chair in my apartment's kitchen for exactly this purpose.
   
   
9. Heat, cold, pressure. I am a huge fan of hot showers, and just letting the hot water beat on my lower back to start the day. It loosens shit up (I know, I know) and eases some of the achiness that can set in overnight.
   
   I am also a huge fan of icing the joints that have just gotten a huge workout after I'm done. Sometimes, a cold pack on your hip joint or pubic joint or lower back can work wonders to soothe it after you've asked a lot of it. Some people prefer either heat or cold - whichever works for you and provides the most relief.
   
   Finally, a little massage helps too. I really like to have The Man provide some pretty strong pressure to either side of my spine, just above my pelvis, at the end of the night when I'm laying in bed. You might like to have your hips rubbed. Whatever - try it out. If a spot is achy and sore, try a little massage. It doesn't have to be fancy.
   

These are what I am doing on a regular basis. Again, I can get significant relief, if not to pain-free, doing this. This is not everything that can be done. For example, here is a PDF (I know - but search for "pelvic stabilization exercises") with some additional exercises. I personally have done the "Clam" exercises, as well as the "Double Leg Bridge" exercises with my lower back, and they're awesome. Sitting on an exercise ball can also be helpful. While sitting on it, you can also gently shift your hips from side to side. You can also sit up straight on it and gently, gently twist your upper body from side to side, while keeping your hips and legs still.

Also, if you are in a lot of pain and can access and afford it, a good physical therapist can provide so much help. They can provide additional exercises, make sure you're doing them correctly, and help figure out exactly what's wrong to fix it. I absolutely credit the PTs I have worked with in the past with the fact that I largely live my life pain-free, even with the severe disk herniations I have lived through.

If any of these aren't clear, please let me know and I'm happy to provide more details. And again, not a medical professional, listen to your body, etc. All I can tell you is things I personally do that help. And sympathize with your pain, because OH MY GOD DID I MENTION THAT I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 31

[Contents: TMI, pain]

Short version: hormones are seriously kicking my assssssssssssssss.

I've been upset by some stuff happening in my personal life the past week, and while it's all stuff that would upset or piss me off even if I weren't pregnant, because I am seven million goddamn months pregnant, all of the upset is accompanied by SO. MUCH. CRYING.

I'm not usually one to cry much, and I also really hate crying, so I try to avoid it. SO MUCH CRYING this past week, y'all. SO MUCH. OH MY FUCKING GOD CAN IT STOP NOW.

Crying so much also makes me even more tired than I am otherwise, yaaaaay!

The other hormone that's kicking my ass is motherfucking relaxin, STILL. My poor hips, y'all. My poor goddamn hips. I know I posted a few weeks ago that doing some PT exercises really helped and could get me pain-free. They still really help, but I haven't been pain-free lately. This may also have to do with the fact that I think "why yes, let's make like six stops after my pre-natal appointment sounds like a great plan" and then proceed to do it, but I blame the hormones. Fucking hormones. I semi-woke The Man up this week once as I was getting out of bed because my pubic symphysis cracked so fucking loudly. It's super freaky when it does that, but it feels SO good. And it really lessened the pain I was in.

The other thing that helps is laying with mah Snoogle Mini that my BFF gave me, because she is an amazing person. I lay on my side, then part of it goes between my thighs, the rest gets tucked under my belly and boobs, and it's awesome. I don't sleep with it all night, because it eventually bothers me to not have a pillow between my legs for the entire length of my legs, but when I'm just laying in bed reading or whatever I use it and it's great. It's thicker than my usual between-the-legs pillow and something about the thickness, the firmness, or the position shifts my hips around in a different way that helps ease them back in to a less painful position. RECOMMENDED. Also I'm 6' tall and definitely a fat lady, so do not let your height or weight worry you with this sucker.

I'm also at the stage where I waddle when I walk, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Sometimes if my hips are really wonky it's more of a lurch. I AM THE EPITOME OF GRACE AND DIGNITY, FOLKS.  Rolling over in bed is a five-minute production that makes me grateful I have a 100% metal bed frame that is solid enough I can grab my headboard and use it for leverage.

Speaking of bed, I spend a lot of time there! It's soft and comfy! Sadly I don't sleep more than 2-4 hours at a stretch anymore! I finally find a comfortable position and fall asleep. 2-4 hours later, I am woken up by one or more of the following:

• My fucking hip hurts. (I am an obligate side sleeper, so I am always laying on one hip or the other.)
• I have to goddamn pee, AGAIN.
• FUCKING HELL SHIT DAMN I NEED FOOD.

Sometimes, after taking care of whatever's bothering me, I can fall back asleep easily. Sometimes I'm up for 1-3 additional hours! Because! It's a joy! So while I am getting 8-10 hours of sleep per day, it's broken sleep. Greaaaaat.

I also just have a very limited amount of things I can do in a day, still. Like, I can usually manage doing a full up/down cycle on the stairs in my house a maximum of twice per day. There's fifteen steps to get from the front door to my house, and fifteen steps to get from the floor with my bedroom to the attic, where my sewing room and the laundry are. Oh and to leave the house there's another five stairs. If I am doing a lot of walking or standing (or sometimes even sitting), stairs are right out. And if I do too much of anything in a day, I can be totally wiped out and in extra pain for a day or three afterwards. STILL. AGAIN. GODS.

So I'm having to get even more strategic about what I do in a day and really planning that shit out - like today, I needed to be upstairs sewing, as I have a commission due the end of the month and someone staying with me next week. So in order to both be able to work AND have dinner, I had to plan something to throw in the crock pot. And plan on getting nothing else done besides the sewing and the dinner making, except maaaaybe being able to throw in a load of laundry while I'm upstairs already. It's a delicate balance between getting things done (which improves my mental health) and not moving too much (which keeps my physical health better), but not avoiding movement TOO much, because too little movement adds to the pain too. I frequently fuck it up. It's never ending fucking fun.

Also in really TMI land, so for most pregnant folks, at some point their boobs start, uh, leaking some proto-breast milk. That is week 30 for me apparently, because in the morning I have juuuuust a little bit of crusty nonsense on my nipples. GRACE, DIGNITY, ETC.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass This Week: Week 27

[Contents: medical, mention of pregnancy loss]

AHHHHHHH THIRD TRIMESTER HOLY SHIT

HOLY SHIT

I spent a lot of this pregnancy not really expecting to get here, you know? Through the first trimester, I was on edge the ENTIRE TIME, because I was spotting pretty consistently, and because I had an early miscarriage in 2012. Then I got through twelve weeks and heard the heartbeat on the Doppler the first time, and it was AMAZING. I could not believe how tight I was wound. I mean, I knew I'd been wound seriously fucking tight, but all of a sudden I was so much more sanguine.

Then we found out my cervix was short and I was at higher risk of delivering early. Which didn't stress me as much as the first trimester, but still stressed me. Most days I could be pretty okay... some days, definitely not. Some days I was convinced I would lose the baby, and lose it before 24 weeks, and oh god, it was going to be terrible.

And then I didn't.

And now it's the third trimester.

And now even if I do deliver early - which I'm not even considered to be at high risk of anymore - every single day, the probable outcomes for The Kid look better and better. And I'm not having contractions, I have no signs of pre-term labor.. everything looks like yup, we're going full-term right now. Kid's growth is on track (and as of last update, hir legs were actually measuring ahead... SHOCK TIME, as both The Man and I are six feet tall), I'm feeling pretty good... wow.

So naturally I have to work not to obsess over kick counts.

My OB doesn't even want me doing them until week 28, and that's the typical recommendation. And there's not a ton of good evidence that they even prevent bad outcomes. And yet!

The Kid is generally pretty active. Generally within an hour after my eating something, there's a flurry of activity. Then late at night when I'm laying in bed. Usually right after I get up in the morning and pee (the first of like EIGHT THOUSAND TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM PER DAY GODS). It's pretty predictable. Some days, though, they're quieter. The day after, they're somewhat more active, and I get all sorts of fun round ligament pain, so my theory is GROWTH SPURT. Then after that we're back to HI WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE KICKED LIKE ALL DAY I HOPE SO BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE DOING.

Today is one of those days.

And even on the less active days, without fail, WITHOUT FAIL, I get to the point where I start worrying "oh shit, I haven't felt The Kid for a while", I get kicked. Unmistakably. Which is nice and reassuring and makes me laugh, because of course. So really, all signs are that The Kid is perfectly fine. And rolling over and changing positions and Kid how did you kick my hip what are you even DOING in there.

I've also managed to significantly improve the problems with my pelvis. I wrote a while ago that it was already spreading, and I came back from 2013 Midwestern Holiday and was in pretty solid, lurching pain for two weeks from PGP, which probably at this point at this point could be called symphisis pubic dysfunction, seeing as how that particular joint has cracked multiple times. Convenient part though is that a lot of the exercises recommended for that are the exercises recommended for my back. So I've been doing some pelvic tilts, pelvic side shifts to straighten out my spine (because I've noticed that's crooked again), some gentle leg lifts and rocks, things like that. And holy shit, have I mentioned I'm a huge believer in PT? Because now I'm not in pain anymore.

I still have to be careful - I can tell if I go up and down my stairs too many times in a day, for example, and I've more or less given up on doing a full grocery shop, because it's just too much. So I got groceries delivered last week. I can still stop and pick up a few things if we need them though, and that helps. But oh man, now it doesn't hurt to get out of bed any more. And my sciatica was flaring a bit, and that's eased too.

Fucking physical therapy, yo. Fucking MIRACULOUS.

I've also realized that oh shit, I need to eat like ALL THE TIME, and probably if I'm feeling just kind of bleah, it's because I need food. I can also tell if I skip my prenatal vitamins for a day, even if I replace them with a regular multivitamin. I don't know what's in them that makes the difference, but if I don't take them, I get way more emotional, and way more in the mood to just curl up in bed and never, ever leave. I had a day last week, after I'd skipped the vitamins for two days, where basically I was just a complete hormonal, weepy mess. And this weekend after skipping them for one day, I could feel myself going back there. So NO SKIPPING FOR ME too bad they still taste terrible.

OH MY FUCK GOD I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY SOME TIME IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS HOLY FUCKBALL SHIT

Things Happening to My Pregnant Ass This Week

[Contents: TMI, medical, eating, mention of weight loss]

While I will be doing much ranting and swearing on this blog, I also just want to talk about what being pregnant is LIKE for me. Some of the things I find most helpful are just people's descriptions of what they are going through with pregnancy. As much as I have and I'm sure will rant about "anecdata", I love hearing people's stories. And in so many cases, it's those stories that make me realize that "I'm not alone." So I want to both document my experiences, and give that to other folks.

Especially since so, so many of these stories are written by not-fat folks. Which doesn't mean they're less valid, just that I already know that their experience is different than mine. And yeah, I'm fat, which doesn't mean every fat person who goes through pregnancy will have the same experience as me, but shit let's get some variety in this piece.

SO. Things this week.

One of the neatest things for me is just feeling where my uterus is. I've been able to find it since, mmmm, around week 13 or so. I used to have to lay on my back to find it. My lower abdomen is normally squishy. I have a floppy layer of fat there, that jiggles and wiggles and yes, squishes pretty easily. I was poking around one night (no lie, because I'd read in one of those pregnancy calendars that The Kid by this point could react to stimuli like pokes, and I wanted to piss them off :D) and was like heeyyyy, that's not squishy. I palpated all around - at this point I had to press pretty hard, but I could feel the firm, rounded edges and was like HEY THAT'S PRETTY NEAT. Then I grabbed The Man's hand so he could feel.

I check on it every so often, especially since I get so many reminders in pregnancy calendars that are like "Oh the top of your uterus is 3" below your belly button!" and so far it's been right on target. This Monday though, was the first time I felt it NOT laying down on my back. I was in the shower, soaping up and all of a sudden it was like WHOA. There it is. Starting right at the bottom of my belly button and spreading out to the sides. It's part of why I mentioned in Monday that it sure seems like the uterus is pushing the fat out of its way, because I could NOT feel this earlier. And I can't feel it while sitting down yet (at least not from the outside), it's really easy to feel while I'm standing up.

The Man also said to me this week, literally, "You kind of look... wider." I laughed and laughed and laughed. It was fricken' adorable.

I'm not a small person, okay? For various reasons, I wound up losing a lot of weight the first three and half months of pregnancy. The most visible way most folks would notice is that my face got really thin - I had slight hollows in my checks, and my bone structure really stood out. My face looked way longer than wide. I noticed my face had filled out and gotten rounder a couple of weeks ago, but I hadn't really noticed anything else. The Man was talking more about my hips and thighs and stuff. Given that his powers of observation when it comes to me are acute as hell, I completely believe him.

The "spread", as it were, also explains why standing up hurts. I'm about 99% sure it's pelvic girdle pain, even without talking to my OB or midwives. It's not in a spot I usually get pain, and it's definitely a perfect fit for the descriptions. It was worst a week ago Monday, after I got groceries, and I'm pretty sure it was exacerbated significantly by the shoes I was wearing. They were a low heel, which is most comfortable for me right now, but they have wood heels and about no padding. So my hips and knees and feet took the shocks of walking. But the clearest way I can describe it was that for a day or two afterwards, my hips felt like they were in the wrong place, and the pain from it, I felt in what sometimes is called the "pelvic saddle", and radiating down my thighs. I also had trouble standing up straight.

It's better this week, although it still aches when I first stand up. It's worse first thing in the morning, after everything has relaxed more. And usually walking for a few steps helps get things back in to place. I also find that a technique I was advised to use for my back helps a lot. My PT told me that your glutes, PC muscles, and abs all do the bulk of the work in stabilizing your spine and pelvis. So I make sure to have all of those tightened a bit when walking - which also improves my posture - and that seems to help a lot. If you read the Wikipedia article on PGP, it mentions that in some cases, yes, the muscles can compensate in whole or in part for pelvic instability, and that's what I'm doing. But shit, it works. The other thing that's helped is better shoes. I bought ones that have low heels, and have way more cushioning and softer soles, so they absorb more shocks. I know those things aren't options for everyone, but I wanted to put them out there in case they're options for others.

Finally, I think I need a timer. It needs to go off about every one to two hours, half an hour before the hunger gets critical and I lose my ability to coherently, calmly think about what I should eat. I am so hungry, y'all. And hungry really, really regularly. Problem is, I can't eat much. Sunday night I made fried chicken, which is one of my most favorite things in the world (it's also one of my sister's, and it was for her birthday). I've also craved chicken and potatoes pretty hard throughout this entire pregnancy. I ate like six bites of chicken, and a dozen fries, and was FULL. It was such bullshit; I was so upset. Then I was hungry an hour later, to my frustration. The hunger is definitely fiercest and most frequent in the afternoon and evening, but yeah, seriously, I need to shove food in my face about every hour to two hours. And I can't eat that much. UGH.

Pregnancy as a cause of disability

[Contents: ableism, gender essentialism, medical]

So I have a lot of thoughts related to the #solidarityisfortheablebodied tag that I've been watching (and participating in) on the Twittermachine, especially in relation to pregnancy. This will probably turn in to a whole series of posts, but to start with, I wanted to record some of the tweets and talk a bit about how pregnancy can cause disability.

(Just as an FYI, #solidarityisfortheablebodied was started by Neal Carter to talk about ableism. It was inspired by #solidarityisforwhitewomen, which was started by Mikki Kendall to talk about racism in social justice movements, especially feminism. I really recommend checking them both out.)

So while participating in the tag, K Boyd, Cabell Gathman, and I were talking a bit about the intersection of pregnancy, ableism, and disability. Here are some of the highlights:

#solidarityisfortheablebodied when pregnancy cn only be "inconvenient," never disabling. Pregnant ppl even ashamed to name it to themselves.
— Cabell Gathman (@cabell) November 16, 2013

"@cabell: #solidarityisfortheablebodied when pregnancy cn only be "inconvenient" never disabling. Pregnant ppl even ashamed to name it to themselves."

@kingdomofwench and just btw, I do become physically disabled when pregnant. :/
— K Boyd (@MendyLady) November 16, 2013

"@MendyLady: @kingdomofwench and just btw, I do become physically disabled when pregnant. :/"

MT @MendyLady: @me Many people do not, and so it's awful that society assumes they do. But then for those of us who do, it's ...
— Wench (@kingdomofwench) November 16, 2013

"@kingdomofwench: MT @MendyLady @me Many people do not, and so it's awful that society assumes they do. But then for those of us who do, it's..."

@kingdomofwench miserable to get our condition taken seriously. #solidarityisfortheablebodied
— K Boyd (@MendyLady) November 16, 2013

"@MendyLady: miserable to get our condition taken seriously. #solidarityisfortheablebodied"

One of the things that continues to strike me about pregnancy is this overwhelming assumption of it and framing of the experience that it is the best, most fulfilling thing that a woman [sic] can ever do. That you will feel SO WONDERFUL in your second trimester, even if you felt horrid in your first trimester! It's fine! It's all great! (Don't believe me? Start looking at pretty much any pregnancy book or website out there.) And while the sites and books will talk about "round ligament pain", and "sore feet", and "mood swings", and while they'll often go in to detail about all of the things that can go wrong with the pregnancy, like placental abruption, they don't generally talk about how pregnancy can really be disabling.

The exception to that seems to be pelvic girdle pain, which is mentioned specifically both as "common" and "potentially debilitating". The Wikipedia article is way better (even if it does assume that all pregnant people are women). It's more detailed as to symptoms, potential effects, and way more thorough in terms of what treatment is available. "What To Expect" - which, I seem to recall hearing that this was so detailed it was too detailed about pregnancy and that's why no one liked it - has scant information, and scant options. And beyond that first mention of "debilitating", doesn't really go in to much else.

But PGP is far, FAR from the only change in pregnancy that can disable someone. Some of the easier ones to figure on are things like the loosening and spreading of your joints causing foot pain, or the lower back pain that can also be very common in pregnancy. Even in those cases though, the response often is "well get new shoes", "it's not that bad", "if you exercise more it will feel better". And yeah, foot pain and joint pain doesn't sound so bad. Until you have it, like I do, and when I went grocery shopping last Monday I could barely make it out of the store, hunched over the cart, unable to carry my groceries in, and having to slowly, painfully lurch my way up the stairs to my apartment, and immediately lay down. If you'd like to inform me that that's not disability, that that kind of pain isn't disabling, you can fuck right off. CAN'T. GET. MY. OWN. GROCERIES.

Then there's the nausea and vomiting, and the extreme nausea and vomiting known as hyperemesis gravidarum. HG can get people hospitalized. They literally cannot keep anything down, and are so dehydrated they usually wind up getting IV fluids and nutrients. It's incredibly dangerous both for the pregnant person and the embryo/fetus they're carrying. And even milder forms of "morning sickness" can be disabling. It's hard to function if you can't eat, if common smells make you ill, if you just feel like shit all the damn time with no relief.

Pregnancy doesn't just affect you physically though. There are so many mental and emotional changes that happen. Those often get dismissed as "hormones". And while hormones may be the cause, they're not always. Even if the cause is hormones, that doesn't make the effects any less real. Plus, any sort of mental health issue is incredibly stigmatized, and especially in women, tends to get pooh-poohed. "You're just lazy", "oh take a deep breath", "it's all in your head". Well that's fine and dandy (asshole), but when you're so ill you can't get out of the house, can't get out of bed? When you're afraid to move because WHAT IF IT HURTS THE BABY, and a part of you knows that's not really rational and it's the disease talking, but you still can't move? All the deep-breathing in the world ain't gonna fix that, and to suggest that it's such an easy fix, and that it's not disabling, is incredibly shitty.

And like was quoted above, lots of people do NOT experience debilitating, disabling side effects during pregnancy (and the ones I mentioned above are an extremely abbreviated list, mostly drawn from my own experience). That is genuinely awesome for them. My problem is when that becomes the only acceptable narrative for pregnancy, as it often seems to be. Again, the narrative we're presented about pregnancy so often is along the lines of "it's the most fulfilling, wonderful thing you can do!" and that completely erases people for whom it is emphatically not (such as myself!). It's one thing if you want to say "I found pregnancy amazingly fulfilling" or "I felt wonderful during my pregnancy", but to describe pregnancy in general as those things is bullshit. The kindest thing I can say about being pregnant is that it's incredibly uncomfortable and undignified, and part of the reason I use that phrasing is because if I tell it how it really is, I have gotten people jumping down my throat about how WELL JUST DO THIS and YOU'RE TERRIBLE and OH IT'S NOT THAT BAD etc. and so on. Many people are sympathetic - but that's also a function of the fact that I largely surround myself with people who aren't shitheads.

Which brings me to another point: I've gotten to the point, even this "early" in my pregnancy, a few times where I have significant trouble standing upright or walking. And even I hesitate to call that "disabled". I can't get groceries on my own, I have to plan dinners so that if I cook something that involves more than five minutes of effort one day, the next day I have to have something that only requires five minutes of effort, I'm back to doing PT exercises for my fucked up back and hips, I hate hate HATE that I have to pee all the time because goddammit I just got comfortable and standing up is going to hurt, and I dread the possibility of The Kid laying on my spine as they get bigger and aggravating my degenerated disks. And this is all shit that started after I got pregnant.

There's incredible stigma against disability, being disabled, and identifying as disabled here in the US. Being a pregnant person on top of that? There should be a really elegant math metaphor here, but I'll settle for "it way more than doubles the bullshit and stigma".