Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 35

[contents: medical, TMI, menstruation, fat hate]

Lately I have found great enjoyment from putting my hands on my belly, looking at The Man, and intoning "SOON" as creepily as possible.

Because SOON.

Nesting has returned in full force. Last Friday I was all kinds of anxious and cranky, and I decided to wash a load of baby clothes, and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE. I haven't folded them yet - that is kind of waiting for me to make the drawer organizers for the dresser - but they're CLEAN.

I also started packing my hospital bag, which also made me feel better about my life. And started packing the diaper bag with things to bring to the hospital for The Kid. Thoughts I have had include "oh, hey, this neato microfiber car seat cover, that's a good thing to stick in the bag", and "oh hey, all of these new gigantic cloth pads you just bought, those should go in your hospital bag", and "OMG YOU NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BUY SPECIAL HOSPITAL UNDERWEAR". That last one I talked myself out of.

Okay yeah, theoretically the hospital provides underwear for you for postpartum. I have read so many blogs extolling the virtues of the "mesh granny panties" from the hospital. Yeah, so, I had some right after my surgery in December, and, no. No, the standard size is not sized for fat folk like me. So while maybe the hospital I'll be delivering at has bigger ones (and I plan on asking during the hospital tour), I'm assuming hahahaha nope they won't and bringing some of my own underwear with me. All of the blogs assure me this is a TERRIBLE idea, because there will be BLOOD and LEAKING and BODILY FLUIDS all over, but uh, you know, mesh panties that don't fit me aren't going to stop it either, so maybe let's wear knickers that actually fit and use pads that are actually comfortable and fit instead of the giant monstrosities that are hospital pads (seriously. They're like a giant pillow in your crotch, except made of scratchy paper and somehow STILL not in the right place, even though they are LITERALLY AS LONG AS MY FOREARM). You know.

So I've put in some cheapie knit underwear I have but never wear, and some underwear I bought on sale at Christmas but managed to get the wrong size and then I exchanged them but managed to get the wrong cut but you know if they get ruined I won't cry, and we're going to go from there.

I've also got a pair of slippers I picked up for a mere $7 post-Christmas, since the hospital is VERY ADAMANT that I be wearing socks and/or slippers at all times "for safety and hygiene purposes". And a giant fuzzy blue robe that I got for like $20, so that when my in-laws inevitably visit us all in the hospital I can look something approaching put together. And since they weren't super expensive, if all the blogs are right and everything is going to be leaked on and ruined, it's not the end of my world.

I'm also trying not to obsess over the "coming home" outfit for The Kid. I have no idea how big they will be, and no idea if I should just bring something easy like one of those snap-up footie pajama outfits, or something more elaborate, and if I do bring something omg WHAT SIZE, and should I bring a couple sizes, and what if I'm WRONG and oh my GODS. And logically I know that it doesn't have to be the MOST PRECIOUS OUTFIT IN THE WORLD (we can save that for pictures for the baby announcements), it just has to be cute, and I can put like two different sizes in there and if, for some reason, neither of them works, OUR HOUSE IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY I CAN SEND THE MAN HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.

BUT WHAT SHOULD I PICK AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

The Man and I have also been attending baby-havin' classes. The hospital calls the course "Prepared Childbirth", but whatever, baby-havin' classes. Thankfully these are better than the infant care class we took a few weeks ago that was omfg awful (and yes, I did just mail a letter to the department enumerating the many problems with that shit... and hinting that I'd like my goddamn $55 back THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Our instructor is a little spacey sometimes, and mispronounces "centimeters", but generally pretty good. (Her pronunciation is like a mash-up of "sonogram" and "centimeters", so it sounds like "sonometers", which... yeah I don't know.) I do find it difficult sometimes to not pipe up when she's answering a question with what I've found out in the research, but mostly I bite my tongue. I don't want to be that asshole, you know?  BUT I KNOW THINGS OKAY YES I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS OKAY LOOK SERIOUSLY NO THAT CONDITION IS NOT LINKED TO THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY.

Ahem.

It is kind of nice to be around other pregnant people and talk about that shit though. And there's someone in class due on the exact same day as me, so that's fun. There's also one other kind-of fat pregnant person in the class - although I have no idea how they'd describe themselves - which is pretty awesome too. They were also the one to speak up last week when everyone was describing unmedicated vaginal birth as "natural" and call out how bullshit and stigmatizing that was, so HI FRIEND LET'S BE FRIENDS.

Shit I am Not Worried About includes labor and delivery, and how to take care of The Kid afterwards. Which damn BLANKET to bring to the hospital? MOMENTOUS ANXIETY. Labor? Wev. Delivery? Meh. Basic baby care? Yeah it's cool. Even knowing that I might have a 10-pound baby? Yeah it's fine, I know people who've birthed big babies vaginally and unmedicated, I am not concerned. This is... not the common attitude in our baby-havin' class.

Meanwhile my MIL is holding a baby shower for us in like a week and a half and she's REALLY EXCITED OKAY. She also asked "OH SO SHOULD WE HAVE YOUR MOM AND DAD SKYPE IN" and I made an executive decision NO on that one. I get that she's trying to be nice and make this wonderful, since this will be the only in-person baby shower I'm having. And that really is lovely of her. But um, it's going to be the only in-person shower because HI I HATE BABY SHOWERS, AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANY BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FOR ME. I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE CONSENTED TO THIS ONE IF I DIDN'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU WERE SUPER-SAD THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRIDAL SHOWER. I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE SOME INTERESTING EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS, THANKS. Also having my folks dialed in is not going to make anything better or less awkward for me. So like I said, executive decision, NOPE.

I am not looking forward to the baby shower.

Physically, turns out that I was right about how tired I was a week ago - that was probably my thyroid deciding to be an asshole for a week. THANKS AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. My hips are also doing marginally better this week, although it is still the world's biggest production to move around in bed. I also added a waterproof, absorbs-up-to-five-cups-of-fluid pad to my side of the bed under the sheets. Just in case. Except that it totally has a plastic back, so that shit does not breathe, and it moves around with and under the sheets, which is also less fun. So when I wake up, inevitably in four hours or less, my hip and leg I'm laying on are not only sore, but slightly sticky from laying on something with a plastic back. So far, I am convinced this is a better plan than my water breaking in bed and ruining our memory foam topper and mattress. We'll see how long that lasts.

My belly is still getting bigger. OMG SO MUCH BELLY. My bellybutton has not popped, as I was told that NO REALLY EVERYONE'S DOES, but it has gotten... flatter. Like, it's normally pretty deep, and in kind of a crease in my belly, and as that crease has flattened out so has my belly button. It's weird and feels weird when I touch it.

The Kid also seems to be doing fine. There are few kicks, and more... burbling. Like, there's movement, and my belly moves, and ugh super weird, but it's... not as violent. JUST EXTREMELY CREEPY. Like as I was typing this paragraph I looked down and was watching The Kid move my belly. SO WEIRD. SO. INCREDIBLY. WEIRD. Also there is still a foot wedged up under my ribs and OW.

Today's midwife appointment also went well, I gained 2 more pounds so I am a whopping FOUR POUNDS over my starting weight now YEAHHHHHH. I am happier about this than any of my care providers. So if that's going to be the case, I might find a new practice for next time. But no swelling, blood pressure looks great, blah blah blah oh shit you mean the fat lady is still having a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy at this point THE HELL YOU SAY.

No but seriously BELLY EVERWHERE.

REAL THINGS IN THE WORLD

[Contents: unsafe baby products, including those that have caused infant deaths]

So because I'm having a baby at some point WITHIN LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF JESUS FUCK, I have spent a lot of time doing things like browsing Pinterest in the "kids" category and entering baby- and kid-related giveaways. There's a lot of neato shit out there!

This post is not about the really neato, clever shit, some of which has made it on to my own baby registry.

This post is about the WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ARE YOU SERIOUS shit, the shit you look at and go "right so science, have you met it?" or "I would have to pay how much more for the word "baby" in the product name?" That shit. I'm not even going to get in to the THOUSAND DOLLAR STROLLERS out there, or even the $450 stroller my downstairs neighbors have parked in the vestibule, because really, why would I ever want or need to keep my stroller down there too, I mean, it's not like I live on the second floor or anything and wouldn't want to haul shit up and down the stairs if I didn't have to, ps the vestibule IS NOT PART OF YOUR APARTMENT, NEIGHBORS.

Ahem.

1. The $30 crib sheet. Thirty blessed US dollars EACH for one of these 100% cotton crib sheets. The sheet does not change itself, it does not repel poop, pee, or spit-up, it's not even organic cotton (those cost EVEN MORE). It's just a 100% cotton sheet from what I am led to believe is White People's favorite new baby brand, Aden + Anais (do not even get me started on their "muslin swaddle blankets" that are actually cotton gauze, or basically anything they make, because it is all a giant motherfucking rip-off. Because White People). Look. I don't have a problem with 100% cotton sheets - the ones I'm making for The Kid are 100% cotton - but THIRTY. DOLLARS. THIRTY. THIRTY DOLLARS. I COULD BUY THE FANCIEST COTTON YARDAGE I COULD FIND AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. I COULD GET CUSTOM COTTON YARDAGE FROM SPOONFLOWER TO MAKE MY OWN SHEETS AND IT WOULD BE LESS THAN THAT. HOLY SHIT.


2. The $80 blender with a damn smiley face on it. Oh my gods, if I see "OMG YOU HAVE TO GET A BABY BULLET" in one more article, I am going to screeeeeeaaaammmmm. Has anyone been able to explain to me what exactly the Baby Bullet does that my regular blender doesn't? No. Has anyone been able to explain to me why I can't just get a set of silicone ice cube trays to freeze baby food instead of using the special trays the Baby Bullet comes with? No. BUT IT'S FOR BABIES seems to be the thing about this. That and the smiley face. THE CREEPY SMILEY FACE.


3. The $25 or more teething solution. That link is just one of the many places that will gladly take VERY MANY OF YOUR DOLLARS to give you "genuine Baltic amber" teething necklaces for your baby. It's apparently VITALLY IMPORTANT that it be "Baltic amber", because if it were I dunno, "Nigerian Amber" it wouldn't work? Supposedly there's compounds in the amber that soothe inflamed gums and *handwaving* and *sparkles* and OMG NO MORE TEETHING PAIN. This is one of those "right, so science?" products. Also can we talk about how these are a giant choking and strangulation hazard? No? Okay, cool.


4. The $109 "radiation-shielding" blanket. Okay, there's a $69 version too. And t-shirts. And $59 belly bands. All to shield your PRECIOUS PRECIOUS UTERUS AND ITS CARGO from "ambient radiation". Like from your wireless phone or laptop. It has SILVER IN IT YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY IT WORKS. AND OBVIOUSLY RADIATION IS A PROBLEM BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY BABIES BEING BORN WITH RADIATION POISONING FROM CELL PHONES wait no there aren't. I talked about this on Twitter, but I am tempted to write the company to straight troll them and ask "But what if I'm, say, at the cafe, and have my blanket with me, but the seat back is open and someone BEHIND me has a cell phone or laptop? WHAT ABOUT THE RADIATION THAT CAN ENTER THROUGH MY BACK?" SHHHH SCIENCE HAS NO PLACE HERE.


5. The $200 wireless video baby monitor FOR YOUR CAR. You can't text and drive, you can't even talk on your phone and drive in some places, but a creepy-ass camera and video monitor you put on your windshield? I'M SURE THERE WILL BE NO PROBLEMS WITH DISTRACTION THERE. Am I the only person in the world who a, realizes that it's okay if the baby cries for five minutes until you b, pull the fuck over? And that if you don't put extraneous crap in the car seat with them, they won't get in to any crap?


6. The $395 all-natural TEXTURED CRIB MATTRESS. All-natural, "non-toxic" etc. and so on crib mattresses are getting wildly popular anyway, but this just takes it to the next level. What. Is. The. Point. Of. The. Pebbles. WHAT IS THE POINT. WHAT IS THE POINT. DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ANSWER THAT IS BASED IN ACTUAL SCIENCE AND/OR FACTS PLEASE.


7. The $349 crib canopy. Look can we just have a talk about how shit hanging up above the baby's crib is a giant fucking hazard? Like, you're an adult, you want a giant ass canopy hanging above your bed, FINE. Even for a child. You know, a child that can MOVE ON THEIR OWN and can FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF A SACK. Things that INFANTS CANNOT DO. You're not even supposed to put blankets or bumpers in the crib with the baby, so why would you hang a giant, heavy swath of fabric above the crib that is just WAITING to fall IN to the crib? And I have some epic side-eye for all your Pinterest folks dreaming about CHANDELIERS or GIANT FRAMED ARTWORK or HEAVY WOODEN SHELVES hanging above your baby's crib, too.


8. The $182 baby towel set. I find "baby" towels kind of a rip-off anyway, because while yes, I do enjoy super-soft towels and assume that my child will too, uh, a standard bath towel is more than big enough to wrap the baby in after a bath, so why exactly wouldn't I just get some on sale with a coupon somewhere? These towels take that to the next level. OH BUT THEY ARE CUTE COLORS AND HAVE THE ALPHABET ON THEM look my child does not need reminding of the alphabet at every moment of every day. They're going to learn it at some point, even if it's NOT on their GODDAMN TOWELS.


9. The $70 baby bean bag napper. Actually, any sort of "baby napper" or "lounger". Because one, why? What does this do that the crib, bassinet, bouncer, swing, or car seat does not do when it comes to naps? Is it really easier to put your baby to sleep in this, that HAS to be on the floor for safety, than it is to put them in the crib? Can we also talk about how the bean bag is a giant suffocation hazard? Can we also talk about how the super-popular "Nap Nanny" that I keep seeing pinned on Pinterest has been completely recalled and it's illegal to sell or even bring them in to the US because babies DIED in them?


10.  The $40 or more perfume for your baby. That link goes to an article rounding up the top ten, TEN, fragrances meant to be used on babies and children in 2010. MORE HAVE COME OUT SINCE THEN. Why. Why does my baby need motherfucking PERFUME. WHY.

Please feel free to share additional wtfery and horror in comments.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 33

[Contents: medical, TMI, weight discussion, fat hate]

Wait, 33? Is it really 33 weeks?

This whole time I have had no trouble knowing exactly how many weeks and days along I am, and now I'm just like SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT RARRR LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

But I can tell you that in just under three weeks, I get to stop the progesterone. I picked up my last refill of that the other day. And in just under four weeks I get the cerclage taken out. At my OB appointment this week I definitely had my doctor WAY UP IN MY BITS THANK YOU to check on cervical position and cerclage status. Apparently everything feels good and we should have no trouble just taking the cerclage out in the office at 37 weeks.

After that comes out, who knows what'll happen. When she put it in, my MFM specialist warned me that some people get it taken out and basically proceed directly to hospital for baby-birthin' time without passing go, some people go home and don't start labor until like 41 weeks. Like many things with pregnancy, IT IS A MYSTERY.

I'm getting kind of ready to be done though.

I mean, I don't want the kid showing up until April. PLEASE, DARK LORD, NO. But while I certainly chose to get pregnant, and I do not in any way regret this choice, fucking a this shit is getting old. I'm kind of over the tireds. I'm kind of over the painful hips. I'm kind of over the nausea OH YES IT'S BACK, I'm way over nothing in the way of food or drink sounding or tasting particularly good, I'm so far fucking over the hormonal bullshit, I'm getting over the times that The Kid makes me even MORE nauseated as they burble around in there, I cannot wait to be able to stop taking the prenatal vitamins that make me gag more often than not STILL, I'm JUST ABOUT DONE.

Conveniently, I am just about done, but, you know.

 Also about halfway through writing this I had to stop and eat dinner, and it dawned on me "HEY MAYBE THIS IS YOUR THYROID" and it actually probably is. While unrelenting tired, appetite problems, and mood swings are all pregnancy symptoms and are the short summary of this past week, cold spots on my thighs and ass are not - those are definitely my thyroid. So is the brain fog. YAY AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE yes I have emailed my doctor and I have lab orders to check shit already.

Meanwhile, I have gained weight (although now that I know my thyroid swung a bit I wonder how much is that HA HA GOOD TIMES) and am FINALLY above my starting weight. Barely. If I am doing the math right, I did gain more than the "recommended" pound per week, and I'm sure if my blood pressure weren't fucking terrific my doctors would be freaking out, but that shit is the lowest it's been at any point during this pregnancy for the past two weeks. Instead I got "oh your weight looks okay" - not "we're happy with your weight" any more, I NOTE.

Plus I have literally no swelling. Seriously, none. I'm trying really hard to not get a bad case of the smugs about it. At my appointment this week my OB complimented me "Oh how smart you got a pretty chain to put [your wedding ring] on", because the necklace I was wearing has a pretty silver circular pendant with a small diamond in it. So I held up my left hand with my wedding ring on it and waggled it and said "Oh no, I'm still wearing it". She was surprised. The damn thing is LOOSE on me. Like it spins gleefully around my finger all damn day when I wear it. Trying and mostly failing to not have the smugs.

Also at my appointment this week, I brought up "hey by the way I have thyroid disease and while I do plan on trying to breastfeed, there's not a lot of good information out there about it, do y'all have anything?" and apparently they have a lactation consultant on staff who may have some stuff. So my OB is giving her a heads up so she can do some additional research and I have an appointment with her later this month.

I'm sure my insurance will try to charge me a co-pay for that visit, even though according to the ACA they're not allowed to any more. They definitely charged me a co-pay for when I got tested for a UTI, so I get to fight with them about that. My insurance company also does not have my plan's summary of benefits and coverage available on their subscriber portal - those are required to be available to me by law. They also charged me a whole fuckton of money for my cerclage, for each of the ultrasounds I got, keep trying to charge me co-pays for pre-natal visits... basically, they are terrible and I am super-sick of having to fight them on everything. I can't even get an answer from them about whether I'm supposed to "pre-certify" for my hospital baby delivery, which I need to know for the hospital paperwork that I really need to send in ASAP. So that's fun.

In more annoying shit The Man and I started taking childbirth classes this week, starting with "Infant Care". If you look at the outline on the website, this class is supposed to be 2.5 hours all about "oh shit now I have the kid home WHAT DO I DO". So covering feeding, bathing, clothes, car seats, sleeping, etc. and so on. I know this shit, because I've literally been through it with a sister who is nearly 13 years younger than me, with all of the babies I've cared for over the years, etc. and so on, so I was like wev about it. But The Man has literally zero childcare experience, so we thought it would be a good idea to learn some of this from a neutral, non-hormonal third party.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH which, that was a good plan, if that were what the class had actually been. I ranted about this on Twitter for a while on Sunday, but basically, our instructor was terrible and kept talking about shit the nurses do in the hospital, there was less than half an hour of hands-on practice (which only covered bathing and changing a diaper), she covered approximately none of the stuff in the packets we were given (which was all of the stuff we were led to believe the class would be about), talked way too fast, went fifteen minutes over, did not give us evaluations to fill out, and the class was in a room that you HAD TO USE STAIRS TO GET IN TO. So I'm writing a very long letter to the department overseeing this about all of THAT. It was a waste of our $55 and a waste of our Sunday afternoon.

This Sunday starts our actual "SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY" classes, that cover birthing techniques, the hospital tour, all that happy crap. Hopefully it's significantly better.

Finally, do y'all even see my belly? I mean holy shit. Also it is definitely starting to move lower. And while it's not clear in the picture, my waist has been getting... flatter. Like, I used to have a really deep crease right through my belly button dividing my belly, and that's flattening out. Also The Kid has pretty consistently been head-down these past few weeks. I have a foot wedged up under my rib cage on my right side. SO PLEASANT, THANK YOU CHILD.

HELP MY HIPS ARE KILLING ME

[Content: TMI, medical]

So lately it seems like every other pregnant person I talk to here on these internets is having the same problem I am - namely, pelvic girdle pain, or symphysis pubis dysfunction. Their hips ache, they are having trouble walking, pain radiates down their thighs, their pubic joint aches (mine actually cracks), etc. and so on. That link above has some more detailed examples of symptoms.

Basically, it blows, and it can significantly reduce your mobility and quality of life. OH FRIENDS, DO I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

So I know I've talked about mine before, and some of what I do for it, but it's in a few different blog posts and I wanted to have just one that had everything in it. It's easier to find, and it's easier than sending eleventeen tweets to anyone on Twitter who asks about it, you know? Plus I can go in to more detail. Blog posts are also a lot less ephemeral than Twitter.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. All I can share is things I personally do for this condition and that I find helpful, which I have found through years of doing physical therapy and experimentation. I cannot guarantee you will find them helpful. If any of these things causes bad things, such as an increase in your pain, contractions of any sort, or injury, please, please don't do them. Please listen to your body.

Things I find helpful

1. Lay on your side with a pillow between your legs. Because I have a history of lower back problems, this is something I've been doing for years anyway. I have a specific pillow that is my leg pillow for when I sleep. However, I find as my pregnancy progresses, that pillow is a little too thin to do much good when my pelvis is really bad. I like using it when I'm actually sleeping, because it's a standard sized pillow and fits between my legs from hips to ankles, but it's not sufficient to really start relieving any pain I'm having.
   
   So my advice is this: lay on your side, knees slightly bent, keeping your hips as straight and aligned as possible. And experiment with pillows. Don't be afraid to put a fat, firm pillow between your legs. My personal favorite right now is the Snoogle Mini, and that sucker is firm and like eight inches thick. Experiment with placement, as well. I find that the Snoogle helps most when it's between my thighs and pretty close to my pelvis (bonus: I can put the rest of it under my belly and boobs which feels nice). When I get it in the right place, I can feel my lower back, pelvis, and hip joints slowly stretch out and work themselves back more or less in to place. It's sometimes disconcerting and almost achy, but not painful. If it's painful, stop. I usually lay with the Snoogle for about an hour total before I go to sleep, half an hour on each side, then when I'm ready to go to sleep I switch to my usual leg pillow. Do what works for you.


2.  Leg rocks. So if you're like me, rolling over in bed can easily turn in to a five minute ordeal. Often I have a few minutes where I just have to stop, breathe, and lay on my back before I can continue to my other side. I know they say OMG DON'T LAY ON YOUR BACK DURING PREGNANCY, but for most people, for a few minutes, it's fine (after all, you probably do it at EVERY OB OR MIDWIFE APPOINTMENT). When you're in this position, you can do what my last physical therapist called "rocking the baby", which now that I'm pregnant is entirely too relevant to my life.
   
   Here's how you do it. While laying on your back, bend your knees, keeping your legs together. Gently rock just your legs from side to side. Imagine that there is a baby balanced on your knees, and you are rocking it to sleep. Don't rock your legs faster or farther than you would if there were a baby up there. It's important to keep your spine flat on your bed - don't let your hips lift up as your move your legs. What this does is gently rotates your hip joints which can alleviate pain and help work them back in to place. This can also be helpful if you have sciatica - try doing it before you get out of bed in the morning for a few minutes, or any time the sciatica flares up.
   
   
3.  Pelvic tilts. Now we start getting in to the nitty-gritty. One of the most helpful things you can do to help stabilize your pelvis is to strengthen your abdominal muscles (belly!), your glutes (YOUR ASS), and your PC muscles (the ones Kegels are targeted at). These muscles are what surround your pelvis and lower back, and you can use them to not only stabilize these areas, but to some extent, correct and compensate for loose joints and ligaments (aka WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU NOW YAY THANKS PREGNANCY).
   
   Here is an excellent primer on how to do these, both while laying on your back, or while standing against a wall. Personally, I prefer the standing version right now, although last time I was in PT for my back, I did the laying version, and I can attest that both work. This gives a gentle stretch to your lower back, as well as works on strengthening your abdominal muscles. The trick to these, which is not in the tutorial, is that you want to tighten your abdominals (and to some extent, your PC muscles and glutes) to gently press your lower spine either in to the bed or the wall. You don't need a very large movement - the tutorial has a gif that illustrates just how little you need to move.
   
   Right now, I do five of these per day, and I hold each for five seconds. Again, not a medical professional, but that is a decent starting point to try. When I was doing this for my back in PT, I worked up to two to three sets of ten per day, holding each for at least ten seconds. Please, please, listen to your body and don't rush them. It honestly does not take much, I have found, to provide relief.
   
   
4. Kegels. I know they tell those of us with vaginas to do these anyway, but here's why: as I outlined above, the PC muscles that you exercise with these help support your pelvis and lower back. These muscles can be used to compensate for the bullshit your pelvis is pulling.
   
   Here is a good tutorial on how to do these, including how to identify which muscles you actually want. What I would add is what my last PT told me. You can do two variations on these - and basically do them whenever you think of them. Variation one is "quick" Kegels: contract the muscles, hold for one second, release for one second, and repeat, ten to twenty times in a row. Variation two is closer to what's in the tutorial: contract, hold for ten seconds, release. Repeat in sets of ten to twenty.


5. Lateral pelvic shift correction. Because of my existing back problems, the non-technical term for this is that I tend to stand and sit crooked. If you look at my spine, often it seems to be running on a diagonal. My right hip tends to jut out past my right shoulder, which brings my left hip more under my neck than my left shoulder. This also leads to further lower back and pelvic pain and instability. To check to see if the same thing is happening to you, stand up and look in a mirror. Are your hips both directly below their matching shoulders? If so, then you don't have this. If one hip looks higher than the other (you can check by putting a hand on each hip bone), then maybe you do (this is often the most noticeable symptom for me - my right hip looks about three inches higher than the left when it's bad - and it can be pretty bad right now). A physical therapist can also diagnose this (which is how I know I have it).
   
   This YouTube video describes how to do these. For those that can't do the video, what you are doing is using the wall as a straight surface to align your spine and hips. Since it's my right hip that juts out, I place my left side against the wall - if your left hip jutted out, you would place your right side against the wall. Bend your elbow on the wall side, keeping it tucked in close to your body. Place your wall shoulder and elbow against the wall. Your outside leg should be straight but leaning, about a foot or two away from the wall. Your inside leg moves to be next to your outside leg. Gently use your abdominal, PC, and glute muscles to shift your inside hip so that it is pressed against the wall, in line with your shoulder. Go SLOWLY. You can also place a hand on your outside hip to help press. Once your inside hip is aligned, hold for 2-5 seconds using your abs, glutes, and PC muscles, then take your inside leg, step against the wall, and stand up straight. Currently, I do a set of five of these per day, holding each for five seconds.
   


6.  Posture. So in the last few items, I've been talking about the three major muscle groups that stabilize your hips and lower spine - your abdominal muscles, your glutes (aka the muscles in your ass), and your PC muscles (the ones you do Kegels with). But you don't just use them during the PT exercises I've outlined above. You use them when you're sitting, standing or walking as well.
   
   What you want to do is tighten each of these muscle groups in order to help maintain good posture - upright back, not crooked, not slumping or slouching, hips aligned, keep your legs close together, etc. You don't need to tighten them MUCH - I found that my pain increased if I tightened too much. And you will have to experiment to see how much each group has to be kept tight. If you're not used to doing it, you might not be able to do it all the time, and that's fine. But keep practicing. It gets easier with the exercises and with practice. If you can keep your posture as good as possible while sitting, standing, and walking, it really does help relieve the pain. Also, I understand that if your pelvis is really bad, you might not be able to stand up straight at first - I usually can't right when I get out of bed. Do the best you can, and improve when possible.
   
   
7. Keep moving. Yeah, I know, probably the last thing you want to do when it fucking hurts to move. But, if you stay in one position too long, that gives your joints a chance to lock up in that position, making any changes that much more painful. So if you've been laying for a while, sit up for a bit. If you've been sitting for a while, get up and walk around for a few minutes. If you've been standing for a while, gently sway back and forth (just like if you were trying to soothe a baby) or for you ballroom dancers out there, practice what your instructor calls "Cuban motion" (video), that you use in rhythm/Latin dances. Don't lock your knees. If you have a bad back, they say switch positions every fifteen minutes, and that's a great ideal. Me, I'm fucking tired, so often it's like every hour I change. But change positions.
   
   I find right now with walking, especially if I'm up and walking after laying down, the first step is the most painful. My joints are locked, my muscles are complaining, it's awful. The next half dozen aren't so grand either. But after that, I start to feel my joints shifting back in to place and my stride becomes much easier and less painful. Give your body the chance to do that - and again, remember your posture. Fix it when you can.
   
   
8. Stop fucking moving. Yeah I know I just told you to move. But you're only going to have so much moving in a day. Your body currently has limits on what it can do, which, especially if you've never really had limits like this before, can be difficult and intensely frustrating (but let's not kid ourselves: I've had limits on body movement for years and I still get intensely pissed about it. Your feels, whatever they are, are okay). Please trust that when I tell you that respecting those limits is a way better idea than fighting them, because I have learned the hard way, many, many times. To give you an idea, right now, one of my limits is with stairs. If we count going either up or down a flight of stairs (so 10-15 steps, yeah?) as one trip, I get four trips per day. That's it. If I go beyond that, I pay, oh my sweet dark lord, do I pay, often the same evening.
   
   There's also only so much walking, standing, and sitting I can do in a day. So, if I know like today, I have an OB appointment (requires 2 stair trips to get out of my house, requires getting in and out of the car, requires sitting in the car, sitting in the waiting room, sitting in the exam room, requires some walking), then I know that I probably won't be able to stand long enough to make dinner that night, so I either throw something in the slow cooker or plan on delivery or plan on an easy dinner that The Man is capable of cooking on his own.
   
   If you can, build in days where you don't have to do anything. I realize this is easier for me because I do not work full-time and therefore do not have to leave the house every day. But, if you have three, four, five days in a row where you have to be up and get shit done, try to give yourself at least one day where you DON'T. Sleep late, take a super long warm shower, don't do any damn laundry, nothing. Again, I know it's not always practical, but try to give yourself as much of a break as possible. And please feel zero shame about asking your partner, spouse, best friend, neighbor, old enough kids, whoever, to help get shit done. You have limits. It blows. But you have them. Even if you can go, say, do a load of dishes, then lay down or sit with your feet up for fifteen minutes after (and drink a glass of water) before you have to do the next thing, it helps. I now have a chair in my apartment's kitchen for exactly this purpose.
   
   
9. Heat, cold, pressure. I am a huge fan of hot showers, and just letting the hot water beat on my lower back to start the day. It loosens shit up (I know, I know) and eases some of the achiness that can set in overnight.
   
   I am also a huge fan of icing the joints that have just gotten a huge workout after I'm done. Sometimes, a cold pack on your hip joint or pubic joint or lower back can work wonders to soothe it after you've asked a lot of it. Some people prefer either heat or cold - whichever works for you and provides the most relief.
   
   Finally, a little massage helps too. I really like to have The Man provide some pretty strong pressure to either side of my spine, just above my pelvis, at the end of the night when I'm laying in bed. You might like to have your hips rubbed. Whatever - try it out. If a spot is achy and sore, try a little massage. It doesn't have to be fancy.
   

These are what I am doing on a regular basis. Again, I can get significant relief, if not to pain-free, doing this. This is not everything that can be done. For example, here is a PDF (I know - but search for "pelvic stabilization exercises") with some additional exercises. I personally have done the "Clam" exercises, as well as the "Double Leg Bridge" exercises with my lower back, and they're awesome. Sitting on an exercise ball can also be helpful. While sitting on it, you can also gently shift your hips from side to side. You can also sit up straight on it and gently, gently twist your upper body from side to side, while keeping your hips and legs still.

Also, if you are in a lot of pain and can access and afford it, a good physical therapist can provide so much help. They can provide additional exercises, make sure you're doing them correctly, and help figure out exactly what's wrong to fix it. I absolutely credit the PTs I have worked with in the past with the fact that I largely live my life pain-free, even with the severe disk herniations I have lived through.

If any of these aren't clear, please let me know and I'm happy to provide more details. And again, not a medical professional, listen to your body, etc. All I can tell you is things I personally do that help. And sympathize with your pain, because OH MY GOD DID I MENTION THAT I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

I Will Formula Feed Out Of Spite, I Swear To Maude

[Contents: parent-shaming, gender essentialism]

So here is what is setting me off:



I saw a few people tweeting about this; I first saw it from @DrJaneChi. The image is of a brochure holder in a doctor's office. The headline is "Save a Life. Donate Milk...". The brochure has what appears to be a white premature baby on the cover, with the same "Save a Life, Donate Milk..." text. The text on the brochure holder is as follows; emphasis original:

"Make a difference in the life of a child by becoming a milk donor.

Babies in hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Units depend on this life saving nourishment to thrive when their own mother's milk is not available.

To learn about our non-profit organization or how to donate, visit: MilkBankColorado.org"

Then there's the logo for the milk bank and some pretty colored banding at the bottom.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear before we go on: I do not have a problem with breast milk banks or donation in and of themselves.

What I have a problem with here is the strong implication that breast milk and ONLY breast milk is what infants in the NICU can be fed, and ONLY breast milk can make sure that they don't die. Which is not only factually incorrect, but incredibly shaming and stigmatizing to people who choose formula, for whatever reason they choose it.

That is incredibly harmful.

It is incredibly harmful because there are a number of people who cannot breastfeed, and what you've just told them is that if, gods forbid, their kid winds up in the NICU, ONLY breast milk will allow them to survive and thrive, so they better hope and pray someone donates, because it's their only hope.

It is incredibly harmful because it's yet more parent-shaming heaped on women, almost exclusively women, about how their choices are actively harming their baby, when those choices are doing nothing of the sort. It's the same "YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER FOR NOT BREASTFEEDING" shit that is all over the fuck place. It's using the specter of dead babies to guilt trip people in to breastfeeding.

It's incredibly harmful because it implies that people who are breastfeeding but do not make enough breast milk to donate for whatever reason are less good people than those that DO donate, because only those that donate can save NICU baby lives.

It's incredibly harmful because as I have written about before, not every pregnant person is a woman, not every pregnant person is or becomes a mother or even wants to be.

It is incredibly harmful because it is just. plain. wrong.

And for those who are like WELL IT SAYS NOTHING OF THE SORT, well, no, sit down. Because the exact message I got out of this was "only breast milk will save NICU babies" and "ps breast is best you're bad if you don't do it and ps MAKE MORE SO YOU CAN DONATE AND BE AN EVEN BETTER PERSON." And it's not like I had to sit and think and read between the lines. I'm not sitting here looking for shit to get mad about, which is another popular accusation. The message is pretty damn clear.

This is the sort of shit I'm talking about when I say I am planning to breastfeed in spite of pro-breastfeeding rhetoric, not because of it. I mean, I'll admit, spite is a powerful motivator in my life, and I also plan on enjoying the spitefulness of breastfeeding in public and making all the assholes who are against it squirm. But the more pro-breastfeeding stuff I read, the less I want to breastfeed. And if there's more of this stuff, I swear to Maude, I will formula feed just to spite the people who think like this. (If you think I won't, you obviously have never met me.)

Formula does not kill babies, not even NICU babies. And if you can't make an argument for breastfeeding without either implying or directly stating that, your argument is shit. If you can't even make a pitch for breastmilk donation without relying on the specter of dead babies, your argument is really shit, and you should be ashamed of yourself for the harm you are perpetuating. Because make no mistake, you ARE causing harm. So long as their child is receiving sufficient, safe food, no parent should ever be shamed for how they choose to feed their child. EVER.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 31

[Contents: TMI, pain]

Short version: hormones are seriously kicking my assssssssssssssss.

I've been upset by some stuff happening in my personal life the past week, and while it's all stuff that would upset or piss me off even if I weren't pregnant, because I am seven million goddamn months pregnant, all of the upset is accompanied by SO. MUCH. CRYING.

I'm not usually one to cry much, and I also really hate crying, so I try to avoid it. SO MUCH CRYING this past week, y'all. SO MUCH. OH MY FUCKING GOD CAN IT STOP NOW.

Crying so much also makes me even more tired than I am otherwise, yaaaaay!

The other hormone that's kicking my ass is motherfucking relaxin, STILL. My poor hips, y'all. My poor goddamn hips. I know I posted a few weeks ago that doing some PT exercises really helped and could get me pain-free. They still really help, but I haven't been pain-free lately. This may also have to do with the fact that I think "why yes, let's make like six stops after my pre-natal appointment sounds like a great plan" and then proceed to do it, but I blame the hormones. Fucking hormones. I semi-woke The Man up this week once as I was getting out of bed because my pubic symphysis cracked so fucking loudly. It's super freaky when it does that, but it feels SO good. And it really lessened the pain I was in.

The other thing that helps is laying with mah Snoogle Mini that my BFF gave me, because she is an amazing person. I lay on my side, then part of it goes between my thighs, the rest gets tucked under my belly and boobs, and it's awesome. I don't sleep with it all night, because it eventually bothers me to not have a pillow between my legs for the entire length of my legs, but when I'm just laying in bed reading or whatever I use it and it's great. It's thicker than my usual between-the-legs pillow and something about the thickness, the firmness, or the position shifts my hips around in a different way that helps ease them back in to a less painful position. RECOMMENDED. Also I'm 6' tall and definitely a fat lady, so do not let your height or weight worry you with this sucker.

I'm also at the stage where I waddle when I walk, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Sometimes if my hips are really wonky it's more of a lurch. I AM THE EPITOME OF GRACE AND DIGNITY, FOLKS.  Rolling over in bed is a five-minute production that makes me grateful I have a 100% metal bed frame that is solid enough I can grab my headboard and use it for leverage.

Speaking of bed, I spend a lot of time there! It's soft and comfy! Sadly I don't sleep more than 2-4 hours at a stretch anymore! I finally find a comfortable position and fall asleep. 2-4 hours later, I am woken up by one or more of the following:

• My fucking hip hurts. (I am an obligate side sleeper, so I am always laying on one hip or the other.)
• I have to goddamn pee, AGAIN.
• FUCKING HELL SHIT DAMN I NEED FOOD.

Sometimes, after taking care of whatever's bothering me, I can fall back asleep easily. Sometimes I'm up for 1-3 additional hours! Because! It's a joy! So while I am getting 8-10 hours of sleep per day, it's broken sleep. Greaaaaat.

I also just have a very limited amount of things I can do in a day, still. Like, I can usually manage doing a full up/down cycle on the stairs in my house a maximum of twice per day. There's fifteen steps to get from the front door to my house, and fifteen steps to get from the floor with my bedroom to the attic, where my sewing room and the laundry are. Oh and to leave the house there's another five stairs. If I am doing a lot of walking or standing (or sometimes even sitting), stairs are right out. And if I do too much of anything in a day, I can be totally wiped out and in extra pain for a day or three afterwards. STILL. AGAIN. GODS.

So I'm having to get even more strategic about what I do in a day and really planning that shit out - like today, I needed to be upstairs sewing, as I have a commission due the end of the month and someone staying with me next week. So in order to both be able to work AND have dinner, I had to plan something to throw in the crock pot. And plan on getting nothing else done besides the sewing and the dinner making, except maaaaybe being able to throw in a load of laundry while I'm upstairs already. It's a delicate balance between getting things done (which improves my mental health) and not moving too much (which keeps my physical health better), but not avoiding movement TOO much, because too little movement adds to the pain too. I frequently fuck it up. It's never ending fucking fun.

Also in really TMI land, so for most pregnant folks, at some point their boobs start, uh, leaking some proto-breast milk. That is week 30 for me apparently, because in the morning I have juuuuust a little bit of crusty nonsense on my nipples. GRACE, DIGNITY, ETC.

Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 30

[Contents: medical, weight discussion/fat bias, TMI]

Uhhhhh y'all I am so not ready to have a baby.

I mean, with any luck, it's going to be a solid 10 weeks before I do but uhhhh that's like two and a half months? Aaaaand that is not much time.

Also oh my fucking gods I am so fucking tired. SO FUCKING TIRED. I'm at the point where I am waking up every 2-4 hours at night, either because I have to pee, my hip hurts, or both. So while I am sleeping, it's broken sleep. Which I mean hey, good practice for when The Kid arrives but OH MY GOD JUST LET ME SLEEP FOR REAL.

Then some days I feel really pretty good, and energetic and shit! And I want to do all the things! And I have to keep reminding myself NO, DO NOT DO ALL THE THINGS, THAT ONLY LEADS TO SORROW AND PAIN, STOP. So I'm not getting things done as quickly as I'd like, and my hormones are like YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR HOUSE CLEAN AND EVERYTHING READY IN TIME YOU ARE DOOOOOMED and the rest of my brain is like, uh, the house is pretty clean, yo, like, you're fine. Baby clothes are small that's only going to be like one load of laundry, chill. DOOOOOOOMED.

Not doomed. I mean, hey, I cleaned up my half of the bedroom the other night and it took like an hour, because I kept sitting back down and taking breaks. So now the bassinet can get set up in a couple weeks. And after my prenatal appointment today, I was all adulty and shit and ran errands, including buying a giant thing of motherfuckin' Mod Podge, so all those shoeboxes I'm no longer using can get some of my cute fabric from my giant honking fabric stash applied and BE TRANSFORMED in to drawer organizers mwahahahahah. And I also bought some cute baby clothes because LOOK THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE AND THEY WERE ADORABLE AND SUPER CHEAP AND OMG. One of them might turn out to be the "YAY HERE IS YOUR FIRST REAL CLOTHES" outfit for leaving the hospital. We'll see.

The prenatal appointment went really well. The midwives are sooooo happy with my weight... which, I lost another pound, so uh hey! Great. I'm not trying, I wish I weren't losing weight, and I know full well that if I were gaining the pound a week that all of the pregnancy books and shit say that I should be at this point, they'd probably be counseling me ohhhh, be careful you don't gain too much. Especially since my uterus is still measuring a little over a week ahead of typical for this point. But I also know from previous ultrasounds that The Kid is likely going to be taaallllll. You know, that and plus genetics and shit. So whatever. Kid is still extremely active, we have reached the "alien chestburster" phase, heartbeat was right where it should be still and everything is fine. So I'm not worried, but again, I know, I KNOW, that if I were gaining like many people do, they'd be on me about my weight.  Bleah.

My hips are definitely complaining after all of the in and out of the car and walking around I did today. So definitely doing PT exercises tonight. And tomorrow Fuckwinter is supposed to be back in force, so my plan is to sleep as much as I can, go upstairs and do some sewing, come down to eat and pee, then go back upstairs. I'm making a dress for a friend of mine that needs to be done by the end of the month. I also maaaaay have bought some fabric to make a baby quilt or something along those lines MAYBE. (Okay definitely... hey I had a coupon.)

I'm still not getting a ton of Braxton-Hicks; it's still only after I have WAY overdone shit, or if I get pretty dehydrated. But oh my fuck god, I have to drink all the water. ALL THE WATER. GIVE IT TO ME. NO, MORE. YES. WATER. Ugh. Some days, or if I move the wrong way, I also get ligament or muscle pain. I figure that's what it is because while it is sharply painful, it's super-localized, transient, and goes away if I stop doing whatever move started it. I've also occasionally bent down to get something and I swear to Maude SORRY KID FOR CATCHING ONE OF YOUR LIMBS IN THE FOLD. It's freaky-feeling.

Things I was told would happen in the third trimester were "right so food aversions and nausea, welcome those back" and YUP. I've been having raspberry frosted Pop Tarts for breakfast with a glass of milk for like a WEEK. Yesterday, I made them, and took a few bites, and was pretty sure I was totally going to puke. GREAT. THANKS BODY. Pork still doesn't sound great, and neither does cooked broccoli (but only COOKED broccoli; raw sounds fine). Guacamole and queso are the best things in the world and if you disagree we will fight.

I was also told OH HA HA YEAH YOUR ANKLES AND FINGERS WILL SWELL and nope. My rings are still super loose, and even after a long day like today my ankles aren't swelling.  I'm not complaining; sudden or extreme swelling can be a sign of pre-eclampsia, and you do NOT want to fuck around with that shit. But it's perpetually interesting to me to compare what I'm told should happen and when, with what IS happening and when.

I also got all the paperwork for the hospital - shit like consent forms, registration forms, the form for the birth certificate, the form for the birth plan, all that. Oh my maude, that shit is a shitshow. Why is is so difficult for institutions to make functional, easy-to-use-and-understand forms? WHYYY. So I definitely made a pain in the ass of myself at my appointment today with "so by the way this is a hot mess and here's why, also your instruction sheet is no better thanks" hahah WELP. I am definitely that patient. But seriously... if you're going to say that I can refuse to, say, allow you to use any tissue or body parts of mine you remove during birth for research purposes, it behooves you to give me a space to clearly mark whether I consent or not. Like, come the fuck on.

But basically at this point it's EAT ENOUGH FOODS, DAMMIT and DRINK ALL THE WATER and TAKE IT EASY OH MY GOD YOUR HIPS CANNOT HANDLE SHIT... and trying to go full-term. WOOOOOOOOO.