[Contents: medical, tmi, needles, pain]
OH BUT DO YOU HAVE A BIRTH PLAN
yes i have a birth plan okay
Birth plans come off to me as this odd mix of super-trendy "empowering" crap, and a good exercise for thinking through and stating your care preferences. My care provider's office and hospital use them, and have a form (although it's a terrible form and I hate it... which has been such a theme for every piece of paperwork I've gotten from them), which I have duly filled out and have in my purse so that it is handy for when I go to the hospital and am actually in labor.
The thing about birth plans is, you can state your preferences all you fucking want, and then they are going to run smack in to what ACTUALLY happens while you're giving birth, which may not even remotely resemble what you were hoping for, and in fact has decent odds of giving you a situation you did not even consider.
When I filled mine out... mmm, probably about six to eight weeks ago, one of the things on there was "if baby and I are fine, I want to let the pregnancy go to 42 weeks before being induced", which, now that I'm past 40 weeks and kind of thought it would never be relevant, I am a little boggling at my dipshit self. It's not that I disagree with it - I tend to be of the "don't fucking intervene unnecessarily" camp, just that wow, this is not a thing I was told I even had to worry about.
Probably the biggest thing on my birth plan that People Have Opinions About is about pain management. Yes, People Have Opinions about lots of stuff during pregnancy, birth, and child rearing (and boy, do they loooooove to share them unsolicited, holy shit), but oh my fucking god, do People Have Opinions about epidurals.
There is the camp that believes epidurals are the universe's gift to pregnant-person kind, and who remembers or will gladly tell you about what a fight it was to get any sort of pain relief offered regularly to people in labor. And, there is a point - there was a lot of rank misogyny and sexism to overcome on the part of getting a population mostly of women effective, safe pain relief during something that a great number of people think SHOULD goddamn hurt.
Then there's the camp that promotes "natural" birth, and "natural" pain relief methods, who write things like "90% of US babies are born with drugs in their system" completely uncritically (I saw this on an article on Pinterest, and I should have repinned it, because JESUS GOD), who will tell you all about how "your body knows what it is doing" and "it's empowering" and etc. and so on. Which, I'm not knocking (much) of that either (I'm definitely knocking the bullshit OMG DRUGS shit), because yeah I do think birth is something that generally, yeah, bodies are at least kind of made to do that shit.
What I do hate is the implicit or explicit "virtue" that gets ascribed to having a "natural" birth, like you're somehow a better person if you don't use painkillers. That is some shaming bullshit, and it needs to stop.
Personally, I don't want an epidural. Not because I think I'll be a better person, not because I think I'll be more empowered or whatever, but because I have had needles in my spine and I don't really fucking like them, so if I can opt out, I will.
Seriously.
I am fully aware of how effective drugs are, especially when injected in to or near your spine - I had a spinal with my cerclage in December, and prior to that, I've had cortisone injections in my spine because of my disc problems. Shit works! I will be the FIRST to tell you. I really just fucking hate needles in my fucking spine.
That, and honestly, I'm not really concerned about pain levels during labor.
This has been kind of a struggle during any sort of care I get, because my personal pain scale is not the same as everyone else's. Okay, let's be real - no one has EXACTLY the same pain scale as anyone else. But mine is... particularly skewed, it seems. I come to this conclusion after years of dealing with pain and describing it, and having many if not most people be like "and that's only a WHAT for you?"
Like with the cerclage removal. If you read stories about it, most people are like "yeah that was super fucking painful I wish I could have had drugs". Mine went on for over half an hour, it was complicated, we're lucky it could be done in the doctor's office, and I described it afterwards as "unpleasant". Like, if we use that ubiquitous 1-10 pain scale with the stupid faces on it, the removal hit maybe a 1 for me. In other words, I noticed it, but it didn't get anything out of me besides a brief wince. When I told this to the nurse, her jaw dropped.
Likewise, I have a history of herniated disks in my lower back. This can cause excruciating pain, including sciatica, muscle pain, and joint pain. A symphony of pain, if you will. The first time it happened to me, basically all I could do was lie on the floor, crying and occasionally screaming, praying for death. I fucked up my disks again the last semester of graduate school. I couldn't sit or stand up straight, I was in pain for a good six months. It sucked and I hated it, and I still went to class and wrote papers and did dishes and basically was extremely angry but got on with my life. It's exhausting, but I had trouble getting a diagnosis and referral for physical therapy this last round, because the doctor I saw didn't believe I was in that much pain or in that bad of shape, because I walked in to their office under my own power and was able to calmly hold a fucking conversation.
So labor pain? Doesn't fucking scare me. I have lived through way fucking worse, that has lasted way fucking longer.
This is also why all of the advice in childbirth classes for how to tell you're in labor, like "oh, yes, it'll be really painful, you won't mistake it", I am somewhat skeptical about. I've already had a few contractions that sure, have made me go "fuck, ow".... and I've talked to my mother, who seems to have a similar pain scale to mine, and from her experience, active labor and pushing and all that isn't much worse. Like, it's painful, and it sucks... but it's not OMFG THE WORST PAIN EVER GOING TO DIE. Also, it only lasts a few hours, which, in comparison to literally months, hahahah yeah fuck it that ain't shit.
I am not opposed to painkillers, and (at least partly to reassure The Man, who does not like seeing me in pain) I am open to having a dose of some IV narcotics if things get horrible. And obviously if I wind up with a c-section, yes please, anesthesia all the fucking way. But... yeah, nope, no epidural please, and thanks.
Other than that, my birth plan is basically summed up as "OMFG LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE". Don't give me eight thousand vaginal exams, don't touch me unless I ask you to, don't do shit to me without my express consent and without explaining it, don't induce me, don't let students peer up my vag, let me move around during labor, don't force me to lay on my back, leave me alone. I will let you know if I need anything, I promise, I've gotten REAL good at communicating my needs.
Do I know how things are going to go? No. Sure, I can make some guesses, but they really are guesses, even if they are based on my mom's experiences. She and I are a lot alike - including down to hey, prodromal labor, FUN TIMES - but that's no guarantee either. So we'll see what happens. That shit may all very well get thrown out the fucking window (except the no needles in my fucking spine part, seriously, I hate needles in my spine), but so long as The Kid and I come out the other side okay, sounds good.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 40
[Contents: medical, tmi, weight, mention of previous miscarriage]
WHY AM I STILL PREGNANT
Okay before I go any further, let me make a few things clear: one, I am so not looking for advice, so please miss me with that. Two, I really, really do not want anyone saying to me "oh but first babies are almost always late", "most pregnancies go past their due date", "only x% of babies arrive on their due date", or any variation thereof.
Partly because I know all of the statistics already, thanks, and partly because THIS WAS IN NO WAY WHAT I WAS LED TO BELIEVE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
"Oh well ha ha no one can predi-" SHUT. THE. ENTIRE. FUCK. UP.
If you've been reading for a while, you know that I have (had? maybe at this point "had" is more appropriate) a number of risk factors for pre-term birth, including thyroid disease, a history of spontaneous miscarriage, vaginal bleeding during pregnancy, a short cervix (including having an emergency cerclage put in), low pregnancy weight gain, and anti-thyroid antibodies. Basically, every single care provider I have seen at this point is extremely shocked that I made it to 38 weeks, NEVER EVEN MIND THAT I AM PAST 40 WEEKS NOW.
For anyone who would like to spout some "oh but your dates are probably off tee hee" shit, no, they're not. I know the exact date I fucking ovulated, which was confirmed by a very early ultrasound, so fuck off. While I do think that the method most often used to date a pregnancy, Naegele's Rule, does play a role in the fact that more pregnancies go past 40 weeks than not, that was not the method used to date my pregnancy.
Even more fun: for pregnant folks with ultrasound-indicated cerclages (LIKE MINE), on average they deliver about 2 weeks after cerclage removal. (This is a PDF of one of the studies looking at this sort of thing. I have not been able to find a non-PDF source yet, but if I do, I'll add it.) So mean delivery time is just under 14 days after cerclage removal, plus or minus 10 days. Tomorrow will be that "plus 10 days" point for me. I had my cerclage out over three weeks ago.
There is still no sign that I will be delivering this kid any time soon. Oh sure, I've been having contractions off and on since two days after the cerclage removal. Bloody show? Check; that was three weeks ago too. On multiple occasions, I have had contractions 10 minutes apart for an hour, even 5 minutes apart for an hour. I've had contractions that have made me stop what I was doing, or made me lean against the wall, take deep breaths, actually say "fuck, ow". Before anyone tries to lecture me "Oh well Braxton-Hicks can be painful", if they were Braxton-Hicks, I'd kind of expect them to stop when I laid down and drank a couple glasses of water, which is NOT WHAT HAPPENS, so you can also shut the entire fuck up. I was 2 cm dilated THREE POINT FIVE WEEKS AGO, and 50% effaced. The Kid was at -2 engagement (translation: head dropped in to my pelvis, but not quite all the way.) As of Wednesday, THAT HAS NOT CHANGED.
Sunday, we thought maybe something was happening. From Sunday in to Monday, I had contractions about half an hour apart for OVER 24 HOURS. Monday afternoon, they stopped for a bit, then came back 10 minutes apart. We thought for sure that would be it, especially since we live in Boston, Monday was the Boston Marathon, and getting anywhere on Marathon Monday is THE biggest pain in the ass. Then the contractions stopped.
Tuesday I didn't have much, except that all of a sudden, huh, wow, some sort of watery vaginal discharge where there wasn't before! Could this be amniotic fluid? MAYBE. So I watch and wait and yeah, five hours later, still slowly leaking a bit, so I call my doctor's office. I wouldn't have cared, except that I am Group B Strep positive, which, long story short, means if my water breaks, I need to proceed directly to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Regardless of when my water breaks - which, it's more likely to break in active labor than beforehand, but wev - I need to receive antibiotics every four hours during active labor, and ideally I'd have at least 2 doses before The Kid arrives.) So I call. And I'm like, I'm not sure, but it's enough of a change and I know that if it is amniotic fluid, we need to take steps, and the OB on call agreed, so about 11:45 Tuesday night we headed to the hospital.
No, I did not post anything on Twitter about it, no we did not call our parents, because fuck if I'm getting everyone excited for something just as likely to be a false alarm.
Which it was.
We get to the hospital, they hook me up to the monitors, The Kid kicks the monitors, they test to see if it's amniotic fluid, it's not, thankfully neither the nurse nor the midwife gave me much of that condescending "oh it's your first pregnancy you clearly don't know what's going on" shit or else someone would have died, we got sent home.
Yesterday, I'm in the shower, and holy shit, here I am leaning against the wall because OW. Every seven minutes, OW. I start thinking about calling The Man and saying hey, maybe you should think about leaving work. I ponder this for about ten minutes, during which point the contractions stop. I get up, walk around, fold some laundry, eat some beans and rice, hahahahah NOPE we're done for the day.
I consider shanking some motherfuckers. Which, honestly, my interests right now are first and foremost, HAVING A DAMN KID ALREADY JEEBUS, sleeping, eating (mostly beans and rice, because oh my fucking god beans and rice is so delicious), and SHANKING MOTHERFUCKERS.
Meanwhile my pelvis is still a floppy, relaxin-fucked mess, I have weird stretch marks all over my belly, my belly dropped OH RIGHT LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO ALREADY, I have not been able to find new bras (which I made the mistake of tweeting about... I'm totally shocked the random person on Twitter who insisted no no, they totally make stretchy multiple-cup sized bras in your size hasn't gotten back to me yet... BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES THOSE IN MY SIZE IT'S LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING), thank fuck I still have pants and shirts that fit, I'm getting sick of packing my meds and glasses and chargers and shit every time I leave the house, and if one more person asks me "still pregnant?" or any variation thereof, I will be announcing The Kid's arrival AT LEAST A MONTH AFTERWARDS YOU CAN ALL JUST GO SCREW.
WHY AM I STILL PREGNANT
Okay before I go any further, let me make a few things clear: one, I am so not looking for advice, so please miss me with that. Two, I really, really do not want anyone saying to me "oh but first babies are almost always late", "most pregnancies go past their due date", "only x% of babies arrive on their due date", or any variation thereof.
Partly because I know all of the statistics already, thanks, and partly because THIS WAS IN NO WAY WHAT I WAS LED TO BELIEVE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
"Oh well ha ha no one can predi-" SHUT. THE. ENTIRE. FUCK. UP.
If you've been reading for a while, you know that I have (had? maybe at this point "had" is more appropriate) a number of risk factors for pre-term birth, including thyroid disease, a history of spontaneous miscarriage, vaginal bleeding during pregnancy, a short cervix (including having an emergency cerclage put in), low pregnancy weight gain, and anti-thyroid antibodies. Basically, every single care provider I have seen at this point is extremely shocked that I made it to 38 weeks, NEVER EVEN MIND THAT I AM PAST 40 WEEKS NOW.
For anyone who would like to spout some "oh but your dates are probably off tee hee" shit, no, they're not. I know the exact date I fucking ovulated, which was confirmed by a very early ultrasound, so fuck off. While I do think that the method most often used to date a pregnancy, Naegele's Rule, does play a role in the fact that more pregnancies go past 40 weeks than not, that was not the method used to date my pregnancy.
Even more fun: for pregnant folks with ultrasound-indicated cerclages (LIKE MINE), on average they deliver about 2 weeks after cerclage removal. (This is a PDF of one of the studies looking at this sort of thing. I have not been able to find a non-PDF source yet, but if I do, I'll add it.) So mean delivery time is just under 14 days after cerclage removal, plus or minus 10 days. Tomorrow will be that "plus 10 days" point for me. I had my cerclage out over three weeks ago.
There is still no sign that I will be delivering this kid any time soon. Oh sure, I've been having contractions off and on since two days after the cerclage removal. Bloody show? Check; that was three weeks ago too. On multiple occasions, I have had contractions 10 minutes apart for an hour, even 5 minutes apart for an hour. I've had contractions that have made me stop what I was doing, or made me lean against the wall, take deep breaths, actually say "fuck, ow". Before anyone tries to lecture me "Oh well Braxton-Hicks can be painful", if they were Braxton-Hicks, I'd kind of expect them to stop when I laid down and drank a couple glasses of water, which is NOT WHAT HAPPENS, so you can also shut the entire fuck up. I was 2 cm dilated THREE POINT FIVE WEEKS AGO, and 50% effaced. The Kid was at -2 engagement (translation: head dropped in to my pelvis, but not quite all the way.) As of Wednesday, THAT HAS NOT CHANGED.
Sunday, we thought maybe something was happening. From Sunday in to Monday, I had contractions about half an hour apart for OVER 24 HOURS. Monday afternoon, they stopped for a bit, then came back 10 minutes apart. We thought for sure that would be it, especially since we live in Boston, Monday was the Boston Marathon, and getting anywhere on Marathon Monday is THE biggest pain in the ass. Then the contractions stopped.
Tuesday I didn't have much, except that all of a sudden, huh, wow, some sort of watery vaginal discharge where there wasn't before! Could this be amniotic fluid? MAYBE. So I watch and wait and yeah, five hours later, still slowly leaking a bit, so I call my doctor's office. I wouldn't have cared, except that I am Group B Strep positive, which, long story short, means if my water breaks, I need to proceed directly to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Regardless of when my water breaks - which, it's more likely to break in active labor than beforehand, but wev - I need to receive antibiotics every four hours during active labor, and ideally I'd have at least 2 doses before The Kid arrives.) So I call. And I'm like, I'm not sure, but it's enough of a change and I know that if it is amniotic fluid, we need to take steps, and the OB on call agreed, so about 11:45 Tuesday night we headed to the hospital.
No, I did not post anything on Twitter about it, no we did not call our parents, because fuck if I'm getting everyone excited for something just as likely to be a false alarm.
Which it was.
We get to the hospital, they hook me up to the monitors, The Kid kicks the monitors, they test to see if it's amniotic fluid, it's not, thankfully neither the nurse nor the midwife gave me much of that condescending "oh it's your first pregnancy you clearly don't know what's going on" shit or else someone would have died, we got sent home.
Yesterday, I'm in the shower, and holy shit, here I am leaning against the wall because OW. Every seven minutes, OW. I start thinking about calling The Man and saying hey, maybe you should think about leaving work. I ponder this for about ten minutes, during which point the contractions stop. I get up, walk around, fold some laundry, eat some beans and rice, hahahahah NOPE we're done for the day.
I consider shanking some motherfuckers. Which, honestly, my interests right now are first and foremost, HAVING A DAMN KID ALREADY JEEBUS, sleeping, eating (mostly beans and rice, because oh my fucking god beans and rice is so delicious), and SHANKING MOTHERFUCKERS.
Meanwhile my pelvis is still a floppy, relaxin-fucked mess, I have weird stretch marks all over my belly, my belly dropped OH RIGHT LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO ALREADY, I have not been able to find new bras (which I made the mistake of tweeting about... I'm totally shocked the random person on Twitter who insisted no no, they totally make stretchy multiple-cup sized bras in your size hasn't gotten back to me yet... BECAUSE NO ONE MAKES THOSE IN MY SIZE IT'S LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING), thank fuck I still have pants and shirts that fit, I'm getting sick of packing my meds and glasses and chargers and shit every time I leave the house, and if one more person asks me "still pregnant?" or any variation thereof, I will be announcing The Kid's arrival AT LEAST A MONTH AFTERWARDS YOU CAN ALL JUST GO SCREW.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 37
[Contents: medical, definitely TMI]
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you follow me on the Twittermachine, you probably know why I'm yelling, but I'm going to back this up and start at the beginning.
So 37 weeks is one of the weeks that was definitely highly marked on my calendar, because at 37 weeks, the cerclage comes out. So leading up to Wednesday, I definitely had, some nerves and trepidation.
We also had our last childbirth class this past Sunday, which went well. In the car on the way over I remember thinking "hm, my back hurts, but this is not my usual 'whoops fucked up my lower back again' back hurt, this is different, let's file this shit away". Which is what I did.
The last childbirth class main event is the hospital tour, which was great, except for the part with all of the walking and standing around. I mean, I get why we were standing around - there's no way to predict which rooms are open for viewing, what's going on, etc., so for each part of the ward (ante-natal monitoring, labor and delivery, post-partum), our instructor had to leave us in the hallway and go talk to the floor nurses to see what was up and where we could go. It's just that walking is tough on my third-trimester hips, and standing ain't much better. Plus there were, you know, like 20 of us crammed in to one room at a time, and that got HOT, which made me and a few of the other pregnant folks almost pass out. So that was not fun.
Good things are one, we like the hospital, it seems nice, two, I got to ask the nurses about hospital gowns and those mesh panties like every pregnancy-related blog in the history of ever talks about and whether they had them in my size. Which, they were very nice about being asked. They did try to reassure me about the knickers "oh they're stretchy" but when I explained that yes I knew that, and had had a cerclage at <well-known area hospital> in December and they still did not fit me, they were like "Oh, no problem, then, we can order them, and if we don't have them on the floor when you're here, we can have another floor send some down, no big deal." So that was reassuring.
Then we get to Wednesday, when I am 37 weeks exactly and I have the appointment to take the cerclage out. I'll probably do an entry about that process in detail, but suffice it to say that while it was unpleasant, I didn't find it particularly painful (there are some horror stories you can find on the internet about it, which OBVIOUSLY I read). After it was out they threw me on the monitor for a while to see how The Kid was doing and if I was having any contractions from having my cervix highly messed with. Apparently right after the thing came out I was about 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which sounds impressive until you realize that there are pregnant folks who walk around in that state for LITERALLY WEEKS before delivering. Kid was fine, and I wasn't having any contractions to speak of, so I got sent home.
Thursday I'm spotting some - expected after cerclage removale - and having some irregular contractions, but nothing big. Mostly all day I was antsy and cranky, and none of my usual tricks to alleviate those states worked. Usually cranky is "need more foods", and I kept eating foods, but was still cranky. Antsy usually is nesting, so I went and did some more baby laundry and put away baby clothes and it DIDN'T HELP either, so I was antsy and cranky.
Then we get to Friday. Thursday night I was dreaming about being in labor, and woke up a couple of times with contractions, but nothing regular and nothing serious enough I couldn't just roll over and go back to sleep. Friday morning, I get up, pee, and oh, wow, yeah that is definitely a pretty decent sized chunk of gelatinous crap streaked with blood. Bloody show, real thing in the world folks. (Yes, you can google pictures of it if you want to.) And then some bright red spotting, which was unusual and a little like, uh, whoa. So I call the midwives and tell them what's happening - bloody show, bright red spotting, irregular contractions the past few days, cranky, antsy, etc. - and they're like "well you aren't in active labor yet, but given your history you'll probably go sooner rather than later." Okay, cool, at least I have nothing to worry about.
Then I call my mom, because my instincts are telling me "nope, stay home", and I have an appointment later that day (not doctor/midwife). And I tell her what's happening and y'all, my mom is so unbelievably excited and it's like LOOK CALM DOWN MOM. She remains convinced I will go in to active labor today, ps. We'll see about that. But she concurs staying home is probably a better idea, so I stay home.
And then I get an hour of contractions about oh, twelve minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.
Then another hour, about ten minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.
And again.
Then an hour later I have contractions five minutes apart, for an hour. And I was pretty sure yes, these are contractions, because I'd catch myself taking deep breaths, or rolling my hips, and be like oh, well. And note the time and about how long it lasted, and what it felt like.
They all feel a little different. Sometimes it's like someone is squeezing my abdomen in from both sides. Sometimes they're like period cramps, really low down, right above my pubic bone. Sometimes I could feel my uterus tighten up from top to bottom. Sometimes my back would hurt and it would wrap around to the front. Sometimes it was a low, tight pulling. Which, the internet tells me are all accurate descriptions of contractions. HELPFUL.
WOULD BE MORE HELPFUL IF THEY WOULDN'T STOP.
I literally had contractions, regular contractions, five minutes apart, lasting a minute each, for an hour, AND THEN THEY STOPPED.
STOPPED.
MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR.
After that, I had some more contractions, including some more about 7 minutes apart for half an hour. Then I called my mother to whine, because this is some bullshit, and she laughs and says that all of her pregnancies ended like that, and what happened with her is that after a day and a half of this bullshit, since she was already past 41 weeks, she was told to come in, and with her first two, they artificially broke her water, and with her third, they gave her pitocin, but good news was nothing was ever horrifically painful and once active labor DID get going, it was quick - maybe a few hours.
*sigh*
This matches my research - there's a term for this start-stop business, it's "prodromal labor". There's a bunch of theories about why some people get it and some don't; the predominant theory is that it's helping position the fetus in the best position for the birth canal. Problem is, no one can say how long it will last. Some people report they had it for a day, some report literally three weeks.
Y'all if this last three weeks... look I can't even.
There's also no telling when it will flip over to active labor. There are some exercises and positions recommended to help if it's a positioning problem, so yeah I'm trying those, but there's no guarantee it'll flip the switch, so to speak. And again, once the switch is flipped, active labor tends to be short.
And I still just want to stay home and snuggly and not leave. Like, the nesting feeling is GONE. I'm still cranky, but nope, staying home, need to stay home, wrap me in some blankets and rub my back and feed me popsicles.
I can't tell if my instinct saying "yeah, baby SOON" is actual instinct or just a strong desire for this BULLSHIT MAKE UP YOUR MIND SHIT to end soon. Sigh.
So that's where we're at. Today I have had some irregular contractions and some brief periods of more regular shit. I'm trying to ignore it as best I can. My water hasn't broken, and nothing has been horribly painful (although knowing what I know about my pain tolerance, and the fact that yeah I've lived through six months at a time of excruciating sciatica, so I dismiss the "oh you will know because it's so painful" descriptions mostly), but I am having prodromal labor and lost the mucus plug, and have continued spotting, which implies that my cervix is probably still effacing and dilating.
So... we wait. Could be tonight! Could be three weeks from now! There's no way to know! GREAT.
SO EVERYONE JUST SLOW YOUR ROLL, OKAY? LOOKING AT YOU, MOM.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you follow me on the Twittermachine, you probably know why I'm yelling, but I'm going to back this up and start at the beginning.
So 37 weeks is one of the weeks that was definitely highly marked on my calendar, because at 37 weeks, the cerclage comes out. So leading up to Wednesday, I definitely had, some nerves and trepidation.
We also had our last childbirth class this past Sunday, which went well. In the car on the way over I remember thinking "hm, my back hurts, but this is not my usual 'whoops fucked up my lower back again' back hurt, this is different, let's file this shit away". Which is what I did.
The last childbirth class main event is the hospital tour, which was great, except for the part with all of the walking and standing around. I mean, I get why we were standing around - there's no way to predict which rooms are open for viewing, what's going on, etc., so for each part of the ward (ante-natal monitoring, labor and delivery, post-partum), our instructor had to leave us in the hallway and go talk to the floor nurses to see what was up and where we could go. It's just that walking is tough on my third-trimester hips, and standing ain't much better. Plus there were, you know, like 20 of us crammed in to one room at a time, and that got HOT, which made me and a few of the other pregnant folks almost pass out. So that was not fun.
Good things are one, we like the hospital, it seems nice, two, I got to ask the nurses about hospital gowns and those mesh panties like every pregnancy-related blog in the history of ever talks about and whether they had them in my size. Which, they were very nice about being asked. They did try to reassure me about the knickers "oh they're stretchy" but when I explained that yes I knew that, and had had a cerclage at <well-known area hospital> in December and they still did not fit me, they were like "Oh, no problem, then, we can order them, and if we don't have them on the floor when you're here, we can have another floor send some down, no big deal." So that was reassuring.
Then we get to Wednesday, when I am 37 weeks exactly and I have the appointment to take the cerclage out. I'll probably do an entry about that process in detail, but suffice it to say that while it was unpleasant, I didn't find it particularly painful (there are some horror stories you can find on the internet about it, which OBVIOUSLY I read). After it was out they threw me on the monitor for a while to see how The Kid was doing and if I was having any contractions from having my cervix highly messed with. Apparently right after the thing came out I was about 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which sounds impressive until you realize that there are pregnant folks who walk around in that state for LITERALLY WEEKS before delivering. Kid was fine, and I wasn't having any contractions to speak of, so I got sent home.
Thursday I'm spotting some - expected after cerclage removale - and having some irregular contractions, but nothing big. Mostly all day I was antsy and cranky, and none of my usual tricks to alleviate those states worked. Usually cranky is "need more foods", and I kept eating foods, but was still cranky. Antsy usually is nesting, so I went and did some more baby laundry and put away baby clothes and it DIDN'T HELP either, so I was antsy and cranky.
Then we get to Friday. Thursday night I was dreaming about being in labor, and woke up a couple of times with contractions, but nothing regular and nothing serious enough I couldn't just roll over and go back to sleep. Friday morning, I get up, pee, and oh, wow, yeah that is definitely a pretty decent sized chunk of gelatinous crap streaked with blood. Bloody show, real thing in the world folks. (Yes, you can google pictures of it if you want to.) And then some bright red spotting, which was unusual and a little like, uh, whoa. So I call the midwives and tell them what's happening - bloody show, bright red spotting, irregular contractions the past few days, cranky, antsy, etc. - and they're like "well you aren't in active labor yet, but given your history you'll probably go sooner rather than later." Okay, cool, at least I have nothing to worry about.
Then I call my mom, because my instincts are telling me "nope, stay home", and I have an appointment later that day (not doctor/midwife). And I tell her what's happening and y'all, my mom is so unbelievably excited and it's like LOOK CALM DOWN MOM. She remains convinced I will go in to active labor today, ps. We'll see about that. But she concurs staying home is probably a better idea, so I stay home.
And then I get an hour of contractions about oh, twelve minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.
Then another hour, about ten minutes apart. Then they stop for half an hour.
And again.
Then an hour later I have contractions five minutes apart, for an hour. And I was pretty sure yes, these are contractions, because I'd catch myself taking deep breaths, or rolling my hips, and be like oh, well. And note the time and about how long it lasted, and what it felt like.
They all feel a little different. Sometimes it's like someone is squeezing my abdomen in from both sides. Sometimes they're like period cramps, really low down, right above my pubic bone. Sometimes I could feel my uterus tighten up from top to bottom. Sometimes my back would hurt and it would wrap around to the front. Sometimes it was a low, tight pulling. Which, the internet tells me are all accurate descriptions of contractions. HELPFUL.
WOULD BE MORE HELPFUL IF THEY WOULDN'T STOP.
I literally had contractions, regular contractions, five minutes apart, lasting a minute each, for an hour, AND THEN THEY STOPPED.
STOPPED.
MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR.
After that, I had some more contractions, including some more about 7 minutes apart for half an hour. Then I called my mother to whine, because this is some bullshit, and she laughs and says that all of her pregnancies ended like that, and what happened with her is that after a day and a half of this bullshit, since she was already past 41 weeks, she was told to come in, and with her first two, they artificially broke her water, and with her third, they gave her pitocin, but good news was nothing was ever horrifically painful and once active labor DID get going, it was quick - maybe a few hours.
*sigh*
This matches my research - there's a term for this start-stop business, it's "prodromal labor". There's a bunch of theories about why some people get it and some don't; the predominant theory is that it's helping position the fetus in the best position for the birth canal. Problem is, no one can say how long it will last. Some people report they had it for a day, some report literally three weeks.
Y'all if this last three weeks... look I can't even.
There's also no telling when it will flip over to active labor. There are some exercises and positions recommended to help if it's a positioning problem, so yeah I'm trying those, but there's no guarantee it'll flip the switch, so to speak. And again, once the switch is flipped, active labor tends to be short.
And I still just want to stay home and snuggly and not leave. Like, the nesting feeling is GONE. I'm still cranky, but nope, staying home, need to stay home, wrap me in some blankets and rub my back and feed me popsicles.
I can't tell if my instinct saying "yeah, baby SOON" is actual instinct or just a strong desire for this BULLSHIT MAKE UP YOUR MIND SHIT to end soon. Sigh.
So that's where we're at. Today I have had some irregular contractions and some brief periods of more regular shit. I'm trying to ignore it as best I can. My water hasn't broken, and nothing has been horribly painful (although knowing what I know about my pain tolerance, and the fact that yeah I've lived through six months at a time of excruciating sciatica, so I dismiss the "oh you will know because it's so painful" descriptions mostly), but I am having prodromal labor and lost the mucus plug, and have continued spotting, which implies that my cervix is probably still effacing and dilating.
So... we wait. Could be tonight! Could be three weeks from now! There's no way to know! GREAT.
SO EVERYONE JUST SLOW YOUR ROLL, OKAY? LOOKING AT YOU, MOM.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Shit Happening to My Pregnant Ass: Week 36
[Contents: TMI, medical]
JEEZY MUFFIN CREEZY I AM THIRTY-MOTHERFUCKING-SIX WEEKS PREGNANT WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.
I looked at The Man yesterday and said "You know, there is a small but non-zero chance that we will have a baby in a week."
This is because next Wednesday, at 37 weeks, the cerclage gets taken out. And once that's out... I could immediately start dilating and we could proceed directly to the hospital. Or I could just chill out for three or more weeks and deliver after my due date. There's no real way to know for sure.
But... a small, yet non-zero chance that this time next week I will have a baby.
SO THAT'S A FUN REALIZATION.
This week I stopped the progesterone supplements I was on, so that also makes it a small but non-zero chance I will have a baby soon.
So, things I am anxious about still include things like OH SHIT I HAVE TO WASH BABY CLOTHES AFTER THE SHOWER THIS WEEKEND and BUT WHAT WILL THE BABY WEAR HOME (which, I talked to my mother about today, and she found it hilarious - which I do too - and she also said "yeah I took one outfit to the hospital and set aside a couple things at home so that if I had to send your father to get something, it was clear what to grab."), and now OH SHIT I WILL HAVE A BABY MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE DRASTICALLY AND VERY SOON.
Still highly sanguine about the entire PROCESS of birthing a baby, and the whole "taking care of a baby" thing. But the "wait a minute they're going to let US? BE PARENTS. WHAAAAAAT." has kicked in.
Meanwhile speaking of The Kid, had one of my NOW WEEKLY appointments with the midwives. Still measuring ahead in terms of fundal height, surprising NOBODY. Heartbeat sounded good too. All indications are the The Kid is doing well.
Honestly, I'm doing pretty well too. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy. I mean, I get tired - I'm tired today - but it's after I do stuff, and then I sleep and I feel better and have energy again. My mood seems to be pretty stable, and my hips and pelvis still hurt, but not as bad. And I tend to have more energy per day than I have through most of the pregnancy. So I'm not complaining; it's coming in handy in terms of nesting and shit, but yeah. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy.
I am however looking forward to hopefully not having weird-ass food aversions soon, and hopefully being able to wear all of my usual, heeled shoes again soon. PLEASE PLEASE.
JEEZY MUFFIN CREEZY I AM THIRTY-MOTHERFUCKING-SIX WEEKS PREGNANT WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.
I looked at The Man yesterday and said "You know, there is a small but non-zero chance that we will have a baby in a week."
This is because next Wednesday, at 37 weeks, the cerclage gets taken out. And once that's out... I could immediately start dilating and we could proceed directly to the hospital. Or I could just chill out for three or more weeks and deliver after my due date. There's no real way to know for sure.
But... a small, yet non-zero chance that this time next week I will have a baby.
SO THAT'S A FUN REALIZATION.
This week I stopped the progesterone supplements I was on, so that also makes it a small but non-zero chance I will have a baby soon.
So, things I am anxious about still include things like OH SHIT I HAVE TO WASH BABY CLOTHES AFTER THE SHOWER THIS WEEKEND and BUT WHAT WILL THE BABY WEAR HOME (which, I talked to my mother about today, and she found it hilarious - which I do too - and she also said "yeah I took one outfit to the hospital and set aside a couple things at home so that if I had to send your father to get something, it was clear what to grab."), and now OH SHIT I WILL HAVE A BABY MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE DRASTICALLY AND VERY SOON.
Still highly sanguine about the entire PROCESS of birthing a baby, and the whole "taking care of a baby" thing. But the "wait a minute they're going to let US? BE PARENTS. WHAAAAAAT." has kicked in.
Meanwhile speaking of The Kid, had one of my NOW WEEKLY appointments with the midwives. Still measuring ahead in terms of fundal height, surprising NOBODY. Heartbeat sounded good too. All indications are the The Kid is doing well.
Honestly, I'm doing pretty well too. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy. I mean, I get tired - I'm tired today - but it's after I do stuff, and then I sleep and I feel better and have energy again. My mood seems to be pretty stable, and my hips and pelvis still hurt, but not as bad. And I tend to have more energy per day than I have through most of the pregnancy. So I'm not complaining; it's coming in handy in terms of nesting and shit, but yeah. This is probably the best I have felt during this pregnancy.
I am however looking forward to hopefully not having weird-ass food aversions soon, and hopefully being able to wear all of my usual, heeled shoes again soon. PLEASE PLEASE.
Monday, March 24, 2014
This is getting really old
[Contents: food, food aversions, vomit]
So this is what is getting really old, and had me nearly crying at the dinner table tonight THANKS HORMONES:
Food aversions.
Yeah, they're a common pregnancy side effect, and most sources will tell you oh, they go away after the first trimester. This is not true for everyone, and it is not true for me.
Here is a list of foods I normally eat, and usually like anywhere from quite fine to PLEASE PUT THIS IN MY FACE, that I have not been able to stand during pregnancy:
I had some potatoes on hand, so last night I took out a chicken breast and threw it in some lemon garlic marinade. Tonight's dinner was said chicken breast, roasted, mashed potatoes, and some corn. Now, I chose this marinade because the other ones I have on hand are more barbeque-flavored in profile and since they're not Open Pit-flavored, they're suspect. But I like the garlic-lemon-herb whatever the fuck this is! So I picked it!
Chicken smells just fine as it's cooking. I get everything to the table, including mashed potatoes with a truly ridiculous amount of butter in them, cut a piece of chicken, take a bite... and nope. Nope! And I'm like, really? Because I know I need the protein, and I know I like chicken, and this should be fine, so I take another bite and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Can someone please explain to me in what motherfucking goddamn way that this all makes sense. BECAUSE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THERE IS NO LINKING FACTOR IN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN AS TO WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS BAD RIGHT NOW. NONE.
THIS IS BULLSHIT AND I AM SICK OF IT AND IT HAD BETTER GO AWAY AFTER I HAVE THIS KID.
And that is why hormones were leaking down my face at the dinner table tonight.
So this is what is getting really old, and had me nearly crying at the dinner table tonight THANKS HORMONES:
Food aversions.
Yeah, they're a common pregnancy side effect, and most sources will tell you oh, they go away after the first trimester. This is not true for everyone, and it is not true for me.
Here is a list of foods I normally eat, and usually like anywhere from quite fine to PLEASE PUT THIS IN MY FACE, that I have not been able to stand during pregnancy:
- Cooked pork. I don't eat bacon, ham, or any of their exotic cousins anyway, because those nauseate the hell out of me, even to smell them. Eating them has lead to vomiting. But other pork products, such as ribs or pork chops or even pork roast, I am usually fine with. No. Not during pregnancy. None of those are okay. Sausage, however, in pretty much any form, remains fine.
- Chili. I make really good beef chili. Even thinking about it right now makes me a little queasy. The day I cooked it for The Man, that was a bad, bad day, because it takes hourrrsssss to cook.
- Tortilla Soup. Tortilla soup is one of my favorite soups. It's spicy and salty and you put cheese in it and it's amazing. NOPE. Made it a month ago and could not even bring myself to take a bite.
- Taco Casserole. Also one of my favorites, it's a pretty easy dinner to throw together and we can usually kill an entire batch of it in two days. Oh god, I need to end this list soon, thinking about all of this shit is not doing me any favors. Anyway, this is also spices + tomatoes + meat.
- Barbequed... anything. I had some barbecued ribs at Christmas (why yes, one of the traditional Christmas meats in our family is ribs), and normally I love them, and they were okay... but not the best and I had to not eat a lot. And barbequed, say, chicken right now? NOPE.
- Curry. IN ANY FORM. Lamb curry, chicken makhani, dal, lamb bhuna, PLEASE GIVE ME ALL OF THE CURRIES. All of my favorite curries are heavily tomato-based, and I tend to like at least a "medium" level of spiciness. Fucking delicious, and if I had more garlic naan, I'd warm up some of the chicken makhani I made Friday and eat it right now.
- Tacos. REGULAR TACOS ARE JUST FINE. They are delicious in fact! I have made them a bazillion times because they consistently sound good! Granted, there's no tomatoes in them, but it's clearly not just taco spices that are my problem.
- Fajitas. PLEASE PUT MORE FAJITAS IN MY FACE THEY'RE DELICIOUS. These also involve chili powder and many of the same spices that are in my chili, so I don't know what the deal is.
- Beans and rice. The black beans from my favorite local Tex-Mex restaurant? INVOLVE PORK STOCK. The rice? has all sorts of veg matter in there, including I think tomatoes. Could eat these every motherfucking day.
- Pasta bake. Oh my maude, give me some like, baked ziti with a good tomato sauce and some Italian sausage mixed in and cheese melted on top. Have made this eight thousand times too because it tastes good.
- Chicken parm subs. Clearly my problem is not meat + tomato sauce.
- Roast chicken. We had to punt a week ago Sunday on dinner, because we ordered chicken parm sandwiches and the site had fucked up and the place where we get them was closed, so The Man ducked in to the Whole Foods across the street and got one of their roasted chickens and some mashed potatoes. Oh my fucking god, so good. When I roast a chicken at home, I do not bother doing it any other way than with two lemons [warning: diet talk at that link, but the recipe is 100% worth your time if you do meat].
- Buffalo wings. I had some two weeks ago after baby-havin' class and it was the best party in my mouth that week.
- Fried chicken. yesssssss
- Potatoes. Preferably fried or mashed. All the potatoes. Allll of them.
I had some potatoes on hand, so last night I took out a chicken breast and threw it in some lemon garlic marinade. Tonight's dinner was said chicken breast, roasted, mashed potatoes, and some corn. Now, I chose this marinade because the other ones I have on hand are more barbeque-flavored in profile and since they're not Open Pit-flavored, they're suspect. But I like the garlic-lemon-herb whatever the fuck this is! So I picked it!
Chicken smells just fine as it's cooking. I get everything to the table, including mashed potatoes with a truly ridiculous amount of butter in them, cut a piece of chicken, take a bite... and nope. Nope! And I'm like, really? Because I know I need the protein, and I know I like chicken, and this should be fine, so I take another bite and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Can someone please explain to me in what motherfucking goddamn way that this all makes sense. BECAUSE THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THERE IS NO LINKING FACTOR IN ANYTHING I HAVE SEEN AS TO WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS BAD RIGHT NOW. NONE.
THIS IS BULLSHIT AND I AM SICK OF IT AND IT HAD BETTER GO AWAY AFTER I HAVE THIS KID.
And that is why hormones were leaking down my face at the dinner table tonight.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Breastfeeding, Continued
So Wednesday after my midwife appointment I had an appointment with one of the lactation consultants on staff at the office. My OB recommended it because last time I saw her, I mentioned some of the issues I brought up in my last breastfeeding post, namely, HI I HAVE THYROID PROBLEMS.
I actually really liked the LC, who is apparently also a nurse, etc. and so on.
Things we agreed on:
We also talked about the potential supplementation options, including supplements for me, and supplementing with formula. Basically, she agrees that the odds of my being able to exclusively breast-feed are low. I can likely do some breastfeeding, but we won't know how much or for how long until we try.
She just seemed very down to earth and pragmatic, which I appreciated. Yes, she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she actually acknowledged and validated my concerns, WHICH IS HUGE AND DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH IN THE BREASTFEEDING SPHERE. She also acknowledged that sometimes the struggle to breastfeed just is not worth it, which is also huge. So much pro-breastfeeding rhetoric really just does not acknowledge that there are costs to the person breastfeeding, and sometimes it is not worth it. (Just wait until I write up a post about this pin I saw, "101 reasons to breastfeed"... oh my holy fucking dark lord.)
So basically, yes, I was right, I am likely to have supply problems, there are potentially some things we can do about them, but, as she said, we go in to it knowing in advance what the potential problems will be and work with them as they come up. And whatever winds up happening, winds up happening, and if I switch to part or even all formula, hey, so long as the baby is getting enough food, we're all good.
THANK FUCK.
I actually really liked the LC, who is apparently also a nurse, etc. and so on.
Things we agreed on:
- Baby getting fed is the absolute most important thing. No, seriously, that is it. Cut line.
- Because of my thyroid issues, I am way more likely to have supply issues.
We also talked about the potential supplementation options, including supplements for me, and supplementing with formula. Basically, she agrees that the odds of my being able to exclusively breast-feed are low. I can likely do some breastfeeding, but we won't know how much or for how long until we try.
She just seemed very down to earth and pragmatic, which I appreciated. Yes, she's definitely pro-breastfeeding, but she actually acknowledged and validated my concerns, WHICH IS HUGE AND DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH IN THE BREASTFEEDING SPHERE. She also acknowledged that sometimes the struggle to breastfeed just is not worth it, which is also huge. So much pro-breastfeeding rhetoric really just does not acknowledge that there are costs to the person breastfeeding, and sometimes it is not worth it. (Just wait until I write up a post about this pin I saw, "101 reasons to breastfeed"... oh my holy fucking dark lord.)
So basically, yes, I was right, I am likely to have supply problems, there are potentially some things we can do about them, but, as she said, we go in to it knowing in advance what the potential problems will be and work with them as they come up. And whatever winds up happening, winds up happening, and if I switch to part or even all formula, hey, so long as the baby is getting enough food, we're all good.
THANK FUCK.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Shit Happening To My Pregnant Ass: Week 35
[contents: medical, TMI, menstruation, fat hate]
Lately I have found great enjoyment from putting my hands on my belly, looking at The Man, and intoning "SOON" as creepily as possible.
Because SOON.
Nesting has returned in full force. Last Friday I was all kinds of anxious and cranky, and I decided to wash a load of baby clothes, and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE. I haven't folded them yet - that is kind of waiting for me to make the drawer organizers for the dresser - but they're CLEAN.
I also started packing my hospital bag, which also made me feel better about my life. And started packing the diaper bag with things to bring to the hospital for The Kid. Thoughts I have had include "oh, hey, this neato microfiber car seat cover, that's a good thing to stick in the bag", and "oh hey, all of these new gigantic cloth pads you just bought, those should go in your hospital bag", and "OMG YOU NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BUY SPECIAL HOSPITAL UNDERWEAR". That last one I talked myself out of.
Okay yeah, theoretically the hospital provides underwear for you for postpartum. I have read so many blogs extolling the virtues of the "mesh granny panties" from the hospital. Yeah, so, I had some right after my surgery in December, and, no. No, the standard size is not sized for fat folk like me. So while maybe the hospital I'll be delivering at has bigger ones (and I plan on asking during the hospital tour), I'm assuming hahahaha nope they won't and bringing some of my own underwear with me. All of the blogs assure me this is a TERRIBLE idea, because there will be BLOOD and LEAKING and BODILY FLUIDS all over, but uh, you know, mesh panties that don't fit me aren't going to stop it either, so maybe let's wear knickers that actually fit and use pads that are actually comfortable and fit instead of the giant monstrosities that are hospital pads (seriously. They're like a giant pillow in your crotch, except made of scratchy paper and somehow STILL not in the right place, even though they are LITERALLY AS LONG AS MY FOREARM). You know.
So I've put in some cheapie knit underwear I have but never wear, and some underwear I bought on sale at Christmas but managed to get the wrong size and then I exchanged them but managed to get the wrong cut but you know if they get ruined I won't cry, and we're going to go from there.
I've also got a pair of slippers I picked up for a mere $7 post-Christmas, since the hospital is VERY ADAMANT that I be wearing socks and/or slippers at all times "for safety and hygiene purposes". And a giant fuzzy blue robe that I got for like $20, so that when my in-laws inevitably visit us all in the hospital I can look something approaching put together. And since they weren't super expensive, if all the blogs are right and everything is going to be leaked on and ruined, it's not the end of my world.
I'm also trying not to obsess over the "coming home" outfit for The Kid. I have no idea how big they will be, and no idea if I should just bring something easy like one of those snap-up footie pajama outfits, or something more elaborate, and if I do bring something omg WHAT SIZE, and should I bring a couple sizes, and what if I'm WRONG and oh my GODS. And logically I know that it doesn't have to be the MOST PRECIOUS OUTFIT IN THE WORLD (we can save that for pictures for the baby announcements), it just has to be cute, and I can put like two different sizes in there and if, for some reason, neither of them works, OUR HOUSE IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY I CAN SEND THE MAN HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.
BUT WHAT SHOULD I PICK AAAAAAHHHHHHH.
The Man and I have also been attending baby-havin' classes. The hospital calls the course "Prepared Childbirth", but whatever, baby-havin' classes. Thankfully these are better than the infant care class we took a few weeks ago that was omfg awful (and yes, I did just mail a letter to the department enumerating the many problems with that shit... and hinting that I'd like my goddamn $55 back THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Our instructor is a little spacey sometimes, and mispronounces "centimeters", but generally pretty good. (Her pronunciation is like a mash-up of "sonogram" and "centimeters", so it sounds like "sonometers", which... yeah I don't know.) I do find it difficult sometimes to not pipe up when she's answering a question with what I've found out in the research, but mostly I bite my tongue. I don't want to be that asshole, you know? BUT I KNOW THINGS OKAY YES I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS OKAY LOOK SERIOUSLY NO THAT CONDITION IS NOT LINKED TO THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY.
Ahem.
It is kind of nice to be around other pregnant people and talk about that shit though. And there's someone in class due on the exact same day as me, so that's fun. There's also one other kind-of fat pregnant person in the class - although I have no idea how they'd describe themselves - which is pretty awesome too. They were also the one to speak up last week when everyone was describing unmedicated vaginal birth as "natural" and call out how bullshit and stigmatizing that was, so HI FRIEND LET'S BE FRIENDS.
Shit I am Not Worried About includes labor and delivery, and how to take care of The Kid afterwards. Which damn BLANKET to bring to the hospital? MOMENTOUS ANXIETY. Labor? Wev. Delivery? Meh. Basic baby care? Yeah it's cool. Even knowing that I might have a 10-pound baby? Yeah it's fine, I know people who've birthed big babies vaginally and unmedicated, I am not concerned. This is... not the common attitude in our baby-havin' class.
Meanwhile my MIL is holding a baby shower for us in like a week and a half and she's REALLY EXCITED OKAY. She also asked "OH SO SHOULD WE HAVE YOUR MOM AND DAD SKYPE IN" and I made an executive decision NO on that one. I get that she's trying to be nice and make this wonderful, since this will be the only in-person baby shower I'm having. And that really is lovely of her. But um, it's going to be the only in-person shower because HI I HATE BABY SHOWERS, AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANY BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FOR ME. I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE CONSENTED TO THIS ONE IF I DIDN'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU WERE SUPER-SAD THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRIDAL SHOWER. I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE SOME INTERESTING EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS, THANKS. Also having my folks dialed in is not going to make anything better or less awkward for me. So like I said, executive decision, NOPE.
I am not looking forward to the baby shower.
Physically, turns out that I was right about how tired I was a week ago - that was probably my thyroid deciding to be an asshole for a week. THANKS AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. My hips are also doing marginally better this week, although it is still the world's biggest production to move around in bed. I also added a waterproof, absorbs-up-to-five-cups-of-fluid pad to my side of the bed under the sheets. Just in case. Except that it totally has a plastic back, so that shit does not breathe, and it moves around with and under the sheets, which is also less fun. So when I wake up, inevitably in four hours or less, my hip and leg I'm laying on are not only sore, but slightly sticky from laying on something with a plastic back. So far, I am convinced this is a better plan than my water breaking in bed and ruining our memory foam topper and mattress. We'll see how long that lasts.
My belly is still getting bigger. OMG SO MUCH BELLY. My bellybutton has not popped, as I was told that NO REALLY EVERYONE'S DOES, but it has gotten... flatter. Like, it's normally pretty deep, and in kind of a crease in my belly, and as that crease has flattened out so has my belly button. It's weird and feels weird when I touch it.
The Kid also seems to be doing fine. There are few kicks, and more... burbling. Like, there's movement, and my belly moves, and ugh super weird, but it's... not as violent. JUST EXTREMELY CREEPY. Like as I was typing this paragraph I looked down and was watching The Kid move my belly. SO WEIRD. SO. INCREDIBLY. WEIRD. Also there is still a foot wedged up under my ribs and OW.
Today's midwife appointment also went well, I gained 2 more pounds so I am a whopping FOUR POUNDS over my starting weight now YEAHHHHHH. I am happier about this than any of my care providers. So if that's going to be the case, I might find a new practice for next time. But no swelling, blood pressure looks great, blah blah blah oh shit you mean the fat lady is still having a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy at this point THE HELL YOU SAY.
No but seriously BELLY EVERWHERE.
Lately I have found great enjoyment from putting my hands on my belly, looking at The Man, and intoning "SOON" as creepily as possible.
Because SOON.
Nesting has returned in full force. Last Friday I was all kinds of anxious and cranky, and I decided to wash a load of baby clothes, and it made me feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE. I haven't folded them yet - that is kind of waiting for me to make the drawer organizers for the dresser - but they're CLEAN.
I also started packing my hospital bag, which also made me feel better about my life. And started packing the diaper bag with things to bring to the hospital for The Kid. Thoughts I have had include "oh, hey, this neato microfiber car seat cover, that's a good thing to stick in the bag", and "oh hey, all of these new gigantic cloth pads you just bought, those should go in your hospital bag", and "OMG YOU NEED TO REPLACE ALL OF YOUR UNDERWEAR AND BUY SPECIAL HOSPITAL UNDERWEAR". That last one I talked myself out of.
Okay yeah, theoretically the hospital provides underwear for you for postpartum. I have read so many blogs extolling the virtues of the "mesh granny panties" from the hospital. Yeah, so, I had some right after my surgery in December, and, no. No, the standard size is not sized for fat folk like me. So while maybe the hospital I'll be delivering at has bigger ones (and I plan on asking during the hospital tour), I'm assuming hahahaha nope they won't and bringing some of my own underwear with me. All of the blogs assure me this is a TERRIBLE idea, because there will be BLOOD and LEAKING and BODILY FLUIDS all over, but uh, you know, mesh panties that don't fit me aren't going to stop it either, so maybe let's wear knickers that actually fit and use pads that are actually comfortable and fit instead of the giant monstrosities that are hospital pads (seriously. They're like a giant pillow in your crotch, except made of scratchy paper and somehow STILL not in the right place, even though they are LITERALLY AS LONG AS MY FOREARM). You know.
So I've put in some cheapie knit underwear I have but never wear, and some underwear I bought on sale at Christmas but managed to get the wrong size and then I exchanged them but managed to get the wrong cut but you know if they get ruined I won't cry, and we're going to go from there.
I've also got a pair of slippers I picked up for a mere $7 post-Christmas, since the hospital is VERY ADAMANT that I be wearing socks and/or slippers at all times "for safety and hygiene purposes". And a giant fuzzy blue robe that I got for like $20, so that when my in-laws inevitably visit us all in the hospital I can look something approaching put together. And since they weren't super expensive, if all the blogs are right and everything is going to be leaked on and ruined, it's not the end of my world.
I'm also trying not to obsess over the "coming home" outfit for The Kid. I have no idea how big they will be, and no idea if I should just bring something easy like one of those snap-up footie pajama outfits, or something more elaborate, and if I do bring something omg WHAT SIZE, and should I bring a couple sizes, and what if I'm WRONG and oh my GODS. And logically I know that it doesn't have to be the MOST PRECIOUS OUTFIT IN THE WORLD (we can save that for pictures for the baby announcements), it just has to be cute, and I can put like two different sizes in there and if, for some reason, neither of them works, OUR HOUSE IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY I CAN SEND THE MAN HOME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.
BUT WHAT SHOULD I PICK AAAAAAHHHHHHH.
The Man and I have also been attending baby-havin' classes. The hospital calls the course "Prepared Childbirth", but whatever, baby-havin' classes. Thankfully these are better than the infant care class we took a few weeks ago that was omfg awful (and yes, I did just mail a letter to the department enumerating the many problems with that shit... and hinting that I'd like my goddamn $55 back THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Our instructor is a little spacey sometimes, and mispronounces "centimeters", but generally pretty good. (Her pronunciation is like a mash-up of "sonogram" and "centimeters", so it sounds like "sonometers", which... yeah I don't know.) I do find it difficult sometimes to not pipe up when she's answering a question with what I've found out in the research, but mostly I bite my tongue. I don't want to be that asshole, you know? BUT I KNOW THINGS OKAY YES I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS OKAY LOOK SERIOUSLY NO THAT CONDITION IS NOT LINKED TO THE WEIGHT OF THE BABY.
Ahem.
It is kind of nice to be around other pregnant people and talk about that shit though. And there's someone in class due on the exact same day as me, so that's fun. There's also one other kind-of fat pregnant person in the class - although I have no idea how they'd describe themselves - which is pretty awesome too. They were also the one to speak up last week when everyone was describing unmedicated vaginal birth as "natural" and call out how bullshit and stigmatizing that was, so HI FRIEND LET'S BE FRIENDS.
Shit I am Not Worried About includes labor and delivery, and how to take care of The Kid afterwards. Which damn BLANKET to bring to the hospital? MOMENTOUS ANXIETY. Labor? Wev. Delivery? Meh. Basic baby care? Yeah it's cool. Even knowing that I might have a 10-pound baby? Yeah it's fine, I know people who've birthed big babies vaginally and unmedicated, I am not concerned. This is... not the common attitude in our baby-havin' class.
Meanwhile my MIL is holding a baby shower for us in like a week and a half and she's REALLY EXCITED OKAY. She also asked "OH SO SHOULD WE HAVE YOUR MOM AND DAD SKYPE IN" and I made an executive decision NO on that one. I get that she's trying to be nice and make this wonderful, since this will be the only in-person baby shower I'm having. And that really is lovely of her. But um, it's going to be the only in-person shower because HI I HATE BABY SHOWERS, AND NO I DO NOT LIKE THEM ANY BETTER WHEN THEY'RE FOR ME. I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE CONSENTED TO THIS ONE IF I DIDN'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU WERE SUPER-SAD THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRIDAL SHOWER. I AM AWARE THAT I HAVE SOME INTERESTING EMOTIONAL HANG-UPS, THANKS. Also having my folks dialed in is not going to make anything better or less awkward for me. So like I said, executive decision, NOPE.
I am not looking forward to the baby shower.
Physically, turns out that I was right about how tired I was a week ago - that was probably my thyroid deciding to be an asshole for a week. THANKS AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE. My hips are also doing marginally better this week, although it is still the world's biggest production to move around in bed. I also added a waterproof, absorbs-up-to-five-cups-of-fluid pad to my side of the bed under the sheets. Just in case. Except that it totally has a plastic back, so that shit does not breathe, and it moves around with and under the sheets, which is also less fun. So when I wake up, inevitably in four hours or less, my hip and leg I'm laying on are not only sore, but slightly sticky from laying on something with a plastic back. So far, I am convinced this is a better plan than my water breaking in bed and ruining our memory foam topper and mattress. We'll see how long that lasts.
My belly is still getting bigger. OMG SO MUCH BELLY. My bellybutton has not popped, as I was told that NO REALLY EVERYONE'S DOES, but it has gotten... flatter. Like, it's normally pretty deep, and in kind of a crease in my belly, and as that crease has flattened out so has my belly button. It's weird and feels weird when I touch it.
The Kid also seems to be doing fine. There are few kicks, and more... burbling. Like, there's movement, and my belly moves, and ugh super weird, but it's... not as violent. JUST EXTREMELY CREEPY. Like as I was typing this paragraph I looked down and was watching The Kid move my belly. SO WEIRD. SO. INCREDIBLY. WEIRD. Also there is still a foot wedged up under my ribs and OW.
Today's midwife appointment also went well, I gained 2 more pounds so I am a whopping FOUR POUNDS over my starting weight now YEAHHHHHH. I am happier about this than any of my care providers. So if that's going to be the case, I might find a new practice for next time. But no swelling, blood pressure looks great, blah blah blah oh shit you mean the fat lady is still having a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy at this point THE HELL YOU SAY.
No but seriously BELLY EVERWHERE.
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